Comments

1

" I recommend this guy take some extra time to remember that sex is a team sport, and to check in to make sure she is getting what she needs"

Oh how conditioned we are. The LW in that case was complaining that his wife was shutting him out during sex.

2

"That letter goes on for another ten thousand words."
I hope this is hyperbole, though I'm fearing not...

"..and there's some debate as to whether she was thanking me for damaging her life or thanking me for changing her life."
Ha! Well she did thank you for it, so whatever floats her boat!

3

Either way Dan, changed or damaged.. this woman was grateful to you. Damaged her old ways and liberated her.

4

You’ve sure damaged some of my old ways, Dan. Yikes. What an eye opener it’s been finding you.
Bless me Father for I have sinned. It’s been fifty years since my last confession...

5

Yes; while I love a drink, marijuana is nothing like alcohol. Alcohol might lower inhibitions, but it doesn't intensify sensations. In fact, alcohol kind of dulls things, to make me want to protest less, to go with the flow more. But cannabis is totally different. It doesn't act to disinhibit me, but it is a true aphrodisiac. It makes me MORE conscious, not less. Just like the lw, it has a mental, as well as a physical effect on me. It makes me horny; makes me think about sex, not in an abstract way, but in a way that is arousing; sharpens all the sensations; makes me focus only on the sex and shuts everything else out; makes it much, much easier to come; and makes the orgasms much more intense. It's a wonder drug. It's a sex drug. I sometimes suspect that this is one of the reasons that it is illegal--we're such an anti-sex culture.

I always smoke right before having sex or even masturbating, if I can arrange it.
Perhaps the lw whose friends don't have the aphrodisiac effect are using indica, which makes me so relaxed I'm likely to fall asleep, rather than a sativa-heavy blend or hybrid.

6

Dan Savage takes the bus!?

Sporty @1, no, the man was complaining that the wife's physical need to close her eyes during sex was "shutting him out." TMI, but even when I masturbate my eyes just shut. I could no more keep them open and come than not make any noise and come. So yes, he WAS "complaining that she was shutting him out," but he was off base because she wasn't.

Add me to the marijuana-as-aphrodisiac brigade, whether partnered or not. I really need to try some CBD oil, because it would be nice to get some of the positive effects of cannabis (enhanced physicality, help with insomnia) without the forgetfulness...
NoCute @5, good call as to why marijuana is illegal. It helps women be more sexual and we can't have that!

7

The note either says changed or dianged, I am going with changed :)

9

I don't know if I'm doing something wrong but marijuana either way overstimulates my brain or does nothing at all. I've never experienced being slightly stoned and I don't like moving between extremes. I haven't found any sex enhancing marijuana but I have found it makes music better.

10

What a nice note, Dan! No one passes me notes on public transportation.

11

The person who wrote, "Hilary [sic] Clinton is a thief (a proven fact and my personal opinion) and a dishonest individual" can go FUCK themselves.

It's not a "proven fact" and your personal opinion is irrelevant and just as full of shit as the rest of your screed.

Here's the biggest evidence that Hillary Clinton isn't a thief and didn't commit any of the crimes that she's been accused of: the Republican Party has been trying to neutralize her and discredit her for 27 years now, and haven't been able to find a shred of anything to charge her with. You think Newt Gingrich, Pedophile Hastert, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Darryl Issa, Trey Goudy, et al wouldn't have demanded a prosecution if they found actual evidence of crimes? Even Goudy, after the 8th Benghazi/email investigation, quietly conceded that there was no evidence of any criminal wrongdoing.

LW bought into a quarter century of unsubstantiated lies. They're desperately trying to pretend they weren't conned and not a horrible person -- really, the only two justifications for voting for Trump and not Clinton. They can fucking fuck themselves with a rusty chainsaw.

12

Different people are affected by drugs differently- it really depends on what your baseline is. My skin, especially my genitals and breast, are already extremely sensitive. Being lightly touched when I'm stoned makes me feel like something is creeping across my skin. And I'm already a pretty hyper aware person just generally- sounds and sensations plus mentally I can really get stuck in my own thoughts. So when I'm stoned, that is all intensified so that I can't relax at all and little things (like the sound of smacking lips or the slimy feel of saliva) are so overpowering when I'm stoned that I just want to push them away. I get lost in my thoughts, can't speak very well. I like marijuana for a good giggle or to chill out in a beautiful place and stare at the stars, but I can't function on it, and it absolutely is not a sex drug for me- it makes me too sensitive for contact and too immersed in my own thoughts to relax. Alcohol on the other hand works for me for all the opposite reasons, dulls my inhibitions, turns down the dial on my thoughts, and the physical desensitivity that you are talking about makes me enjoy light touch more- in short, it helps me relax. BTW for people who have certain mental illnesses, marijuana is not just annoying but actually exacerbating of their conditions.

I know I say this every time it comes up, but it doesn't work for everyone and I really get sick of these proclamations about pot as if there's some definitive experience that we all have and therefore it's perfectly fine and harmless, even helpful, for everyone. It is not. I don't listen to the show, so I don't know what Dan discussed in his interview with the expert, but the letter writer appears to be saying she has the common experience on pot, and NoCute seems to be saying the same. I have no doubt that science shows that it does in fact work like this for the majority of people. But it's not for everyone. It's not for me and it's not for the letter writer's friends either and it seems it's not for Last Comment, etc.

13

If this woman is taking a long time to come, then jazz it up a bit. Buy some whips and sexy lingerie etc.
That a woman or one assumes a man, closes their eyes when they are close to and having an orgasm, how is this an issue. Do these men want eye contact, is that what they want? Then do both. Swap about.
With this sort of ‘Oh it’s such a hard job ‘ no wonder they don’t have fun. What a tiresome man this LW was.

14

Dear President Trump supporter, you are brave, writing in here, and listening to Dan’s podcast as well.
If you think that locking children, babies, away from their mothers, their dads and putting them all in cages is making The US BETTER then you have no heart.

15

Emma @12: As a marijuana aficionado, as a poly person, I agree completely that neither of those things -- that nothing -- is suitable for everybody. The majority of people drink, I don't. I think the reason we pot lovers are so vocal is that our intoxicant of choice has been demonised and banned for so long, we have to sing its praises in order to overcome all that negativity. I am aware that its effects vary and would never recommend it for anyone who experiences paranoia, fatigue, exacerbation of mental health issues (schizophrenia seems to be the one whose sufferers should never smoke weed). Some don't enjoy weed, some don't enjoy vibrators, some don't enjoy spanking. It's all good. It's just nice to have Science vindicate our vice of choice, for a change!

16

@12: EmmaLiz, I apologize if I appeared to be a pot proselytizer. I agree that nothing, including drugs or alcohol, has the same effect on everyone; that what is fun for one person is misery for another; that what is beneficial for one person is neutral for another and detrimental to still another. I don't think anyone should be pressured into using or trying anything they don't want and that they shouldn't be made to feel that there is something wrong with them if they don't like the same things someone else does or if they don't have the same reaction.

I was sort of doing what BianFan was @15, but it's more than the demonization I was trying to combat. People often talk about how alcohol helps sex because it lowers inhibition. And that's true, and I like that about it. But no one ever says why or how weed helps sex, and until I used it (in middle-age), I assumed it acted the same way as alcohol--and it doesn't. So I think it's helpful for those people who may not have tried it, but who have drunk alcohol and not had it produce any aphrodisiac effects beyond the lowering of inhibitions to understand that for those of us for whom it works, THIS is the way in which it works. Does that make sense?

Personally, I generally don't have many inhibitions, sexual or otherwise, that need lowering, and I certainly don't need to lower my inhibitions when I'm with a long-term partner. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy a drink or two . . . or sometimes three with a partner. Alcohol is such a social drug: wine glasses or champagne flutes or cocktail glasses look so pretty and sparkly; ice cubes clinking in a glass is a festive sound; there can be something incredibly romantic about eyes meeting over the rims of wine glasses or drinking a bottle of champagne in celebration; glasses clinking together in a toast is a shared event signaling friendship; trying new cocktails is a fun activity--there are so many different things to taste and so often the taste is yummy; the relaxation and general sociability that flow from a drink are all things I enjoy.

Whereas I tend to find weed consumption a more solitary and much less convivial or pleasant experience. I don't like the smell or taste of smoke; edibles take too long to come on if I want to use them shortly before sex (and they're too difficult for me to control the dose--too many factors. Plus, no matter what, I can always taste the cannabis, and it isn't a flavor I like); vaping is inconsistent. People smoke furtively or pass around pipes or vape pens or joints, all of which is kind of gross to me from a germ perspective or the general ick of a soggy-from-someone-else's-mouth thing. I find bongs or glass pipes so very hippie, and to me, that's not an aesthetic I appreciate!
So the only reason I use weed (or the main reason) is as a sexual enhancement. For me, it's a very specific miracle drug.

17

I’m a big fan of cannabis myself and the effect it has on my sex life has been very positive over the years.
In fact, I remember having a raging erection on the very first time I really got stoned many years ago while in my early 20's.
It enables me to relax, concentrate on the act/s, be creative and maintain stamina. Till this day, in my late 50’s when erectile issues may arise (an accidental oxymoron) I sometimes smoke and then, voila, as I wonder in awe, “Where did it come from?”

I think part of the reason it is still illegal is because it is somewhat repercussions-free as opposed to alcohol when one can suffer hangovers and digestive issues the following day. And while it may create a mental dependency of some sort, your body is not becoming addicted to the substance like many other drugs, legal or otherwise.
Also, despite of what a drunken lawyer played by Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider said it doesn’t necessarily lead you to other drugs.

Having fun and not feeling guilty about it is conservatives’ worst nightmare.

18

Dan--as a woman, I highly recommend a light tampon for cum leaking after a guy nuts in me. No need to unwrap it beforehand or wet it in the mouth (???), but it's been my go-to strategy for some time.

19

@12 - Yes, agreed. I have a friend who has a weird allergy to pot. Even just one or two puffs causes him to hallucinate violently like PCP or a bad acid trip. One time he was in a public place with friends and thought he could just take a puff socially. Police had to restrain him and take him to the hospital. Another friend who stayed with him kept telling the police that it was just marijuana. The police were shocked when toxicology reports showed no other illicit substances.

For me, personally, it makes me throw up. Instantly. About a decade ago I was having trouble with insomnia. Friend gave me pot intended to help me sleep. I would leave the bathroom door open with the toilet seat up, take a few puffs on the back steps off my kitchen (maybe ten feet from the bathroom, quickly throw up, and then go to sleep.

But I do advocate legalizing it, regulating it, taxing it, and expunging the records of anyone convicted solely of marijuana-related crimes.

20

CMD, I’ve been trying to think of some Easter reference.. and all I come up with is the Cross. It’s the time Catholics stop in their tracks and face a truth about courage.

21

To qualify, extreme courage, one hopes we all have some courage. Those like Christ, many thru the centuries, it’s to their courage, Easter is about, to me. Paying homage.

22

Lava- Last night someone told me Easter is a zombie holiday. Since I’m a link in a long chain committed to the big g/led to follow tradition/ritually mutilated while 8 days old I didn’t get it first. Apparently the dead come back, Jerry Garcia and all.

23

Is it possible the masked man used someone else's name and/or e-mail address, and that the Instagram profile doesn't actually belong to him? The other guy never saw his face, right? (Totally possible that I missed something).

24

That could explain why he didn't seem to care that the LW had exposed his anonymity; that's what my mind leapt to anyhow.

25

... exposed his identity* oops. (Is there a way to edit comments?)

26

LKD @25: Unlike almost everything else in life, a comment on SLLOTD is a permanent, irreversible commitment.

27

@26 nicely done.

28

“Expose Your Anonymity” should so be a t-shirt.

29

Dan helps people

30

I would have no animus at all against Obama-Trump voters in rural Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin or Ohio. These are older, non-college educated guys, perhaps formerly blue-collar but now often small-business owners and moderately successful--and their wives, to a lesser degree. Some of these people have drifted back to the Democrats anyway, but it's no thanks to the 'outraged', agenda-pushing coastal elites. These swing voters switched to Trump because their lives weren't getting any better--tech billionaires were, sure, and trial and corporate lawyers, and (as they might imagine) any successful, pushy urbanite. But they just want to see their grandkids--not have them move away--and feel their lifelong values aren't held cheap or sneered at from on high by their cultural betters. I'd see the next election as entirely in the balance because Trump will make it mano a mano--a viciously personalised contest about who would be worst (as it was with Hillary). And with the same story-chasing and -touting media that spawned Trump putting wind in the sails of Beto and Mayor Pete, the Democrats are going to have a hard time not putting up someone either flawed (the supposedly safe options like Biden) or insubstantial.

The party's problem is that their activist, woke wing perhaps is genuinely 'shocked, shocked' by everyday sexism or racism; but not enough of their swing voters are. (Some--Trump voters' wives--will peel off because of things like separations at the border). Imv the nominee needs to talk to the voters that matter in terms that are meaningful and non-condescending to these people.

31

EmmaLiz / NoCute: My attitude isn't "everyone should smoke weed!", it's "everyone should accept that it's okay for those of us who like it to smoke weed!"

32

Xiao, how do you use a tampon without unwrapping it first?

Re: pot, I know y'all aren't the sort to be forcing it on anyone and no need to apologize, sometimes the pro-pot stuff can sound like pro-wonder diets or whatever. It's a mostly harmless thing for most people that should never have been illegal (and still is in many places!) or villainized etc. I think the reason it was illegal had more to do with its real rise in popularity during the counterculture stuff which freaked out the police state resulting in all sorts of cracks downs and increases in charges and sentencing and policing etc- it's part of a wider problem. I really don't know if conservative prudishness and guilt has anything to do with it and it's more to do with our wider criminal justice system and police/prison state. But the response to this real and serious persecution (people go to jail over pot even!) is that stoners tend to preemptively and defensively assume that people who don't like pot are judgmental or conservative and therefore over-emphasize its virtues. You'd think it could cure cancer and bring you in union with god based on some people's experiences. Of course as for the latter, how do I know it doesn't? Some people say oysters are an aphrodisiac. When I was a kid in parts of Houston, families just took their kids to the bay and shucked them from the pier and ate them by the bucket and guzzled them with beer- I can think of noting less sexy. I was well into high school before I knew easter had anything to do with Jesus but when I found out I also thought of zombies.

33

In one of my dreams last night I hear on the radio about a far away incident, I think it was Australia but not sure, in which a woman convinced bunch of men to have their penises locked then threw the keys to the ocean.

34

And then zombie Jesus, the fisher of men, walked on the waters of the oceans, proclaiming "I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven".

35

LKD good point and interesting hypothesis. It would have to be a really elaborate plot though- to create a fake email account with a fake name and then a fake Instagram account with pictures of someone else. If you mean he could be using someone else's name (a real person with a real Instagram account) but set up an email account in that person's name, that's a possibility though also elaborate and dangerous. Surely he wouldn't also be using someone else's email account (a roommate perhaps) since he exchanged hook up messages from it. The elaborateness (elaborativity?) of the plot doesn't mean it's not possible- we are talking about a guy who has persisted in wearing a ski mask for months and months and who jumps out of cars and runs away with his pants down if you pull it off of him (which btw was such a shitty thing to do and the LW's explanation here makes it sound even shittier). But yes, he could be a different person than who he says he is. I vaguely remember a rape case a few years back in which someone was having sex (tied up and masked I think) under the impression that it was with someone else than who it really was- ongoing for a long time until she found out and pressed charges if I remember correctly (which I may not). The most likely scenario is that it's just a kink though.

36

@6 Reread that letter. It wasn't just the eyes closed - she was so focused on herself that he felt like a sex toy. And the answer to that is that HE needs to do more to connect with his partner?

38

What in the world are you reading, Sporty? When does he say that? He says he feels like they are in different worlds because her eyes are shut and she's concentrating on rubbing her clit. He also calls this "the work it takes" to get her to orgasm and the whole point of his question is that he thinks the way she orgasms is holding back their sex life.

If she's doing nothing at all EXCEPT masturbating (or being masturbated) and not interested in any other sexual activities, then yes she should meet him halfway and reconnect with him as well. But if this is just something that they do among other things when they have sex- her shutting her eyes and getting direct clit stimulation to her clit in order to orgasm- then he needs to stop being negative about it and recognize that the feeling shut out is on him, yes by connecting with her- her orgasms aren't a problem, telling her that she's orgasming wrong because he feels shut out is not the answer. Reconnecting with her is, as the person suggested- she could explain what she's feeling and thinking, he could see her POV. Loads of women, including myself, wrote in to talk about how shutting eyes actually helps us to focus.

Since we don't know any of the details of their sex life- the LW didn't say- it's hard to tell what's going on. But the interpretation that the LW feels like a sex toy because she's focused on herself appears to be something you just made up right now for no reason than your own projection.

39

EmmaLiz @32: "Beforehand" as in before having sex, as described by Dan's commenter.

Sporty @36: Reread my comments on that letter. It wasn't clear whether Wife was tuning out and focusing for the entirety of PIV, in which case he'd have a valid complaint, or just at the point when she was ready to come, in which case he needed to get over himself. He seemed most perturbed by the fact that she needed her clit stimulated -- by him, in some cases, remember -- and closed her eyes, which is 100% normal. His other complaint, that she wasn't GGG, is separate and valid.

40

Showing your big city edgey self, CMD.
Easter always shook me. This poor guy all he was doing was pointing out how money corrupts the heart, and look what happened to him. Parable to suit all the ages. No to your zombie return, I’ll remain feeling respect for the brave ones.

42

@35: Yeah I was thinking of it as just a fake name on the email address & the Instagram account belonging to someone with the same name. I agree that it's most likely a kink, but it all just sounds so suspicious. And, yeah, the LW is a consent-breaking asshole. No question about that.

43

@38 the problem isn't closed eyes, good grief. It's right here: "she's so fixated on stimulating her clit, it's almost like we are in two different worlds".

But I forgot, only men are responsible for the quality of sex, women are only capable of sticking to their script. Yawn.

44

Sporty @43: So, what do you suggest, that this woman simply forgo her orgasm? Talk about sticking to a script.

45

@44 I suggest that the problem is not that the husband isn't pulling his weight and failing to provide adequate sex, as was suggested in the article: "I recommend this guy take some extra time to remember that sex is a team sport, and to check in to make sure she is getting what she needs". Here we have one partner who is going out of their way to not take extra time for their partner, is not treating sex like a team sport, and does not check in to make sure that their partner is having an enjoyable time - and yet people blame the other partner. Interestingly, the preceding sentence was "his added dissatisfaction that she is totally picking up on, no wonder she has to shut herself out!" - that's arguing both sides of the coin. His wife is completely selfish when it's her time to get off, disappointing her partner - yet somehow the issue is that he's not a good enough lover. You could look down on the Empire State Building standing a top that double-standard.


Please wait...

Comments are closed.

Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.


Add a comment
Preview

By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.