I have been with my boyfriend for three years come September. This feels massively pathetic writing this, but we were insanely happy for the first six months of that relationship.

We have sort of a complicated beginning, as he pined after me for a long time before I gave him a chance. While I should have taken this in and of itself as a red flag (if I didn't want to be with him for the six months before we started dating, then why did I deem it appropriate to give him a chance?), I'm a weak and naive human being. And he gave me my first-ever orgasm from a man.

Sine then, obviously, things have become much, much more complicated. On paper, he sounds like an amazing individual. He loves to cook, great taste in music, hard worker, good lucking, athletic, blah blah blah. However, the individual I've come to know is nightmarish in a relationship. He is incredibly possessive (tells me any time a man is looking at me), nosy (constantly stealing my phone), aggressive when fighting (makes personal attacks, brings up my family), doesn't let "resolved" fights die (always brings them up) and has called me a "fucking bitch" and "cunt" five times within the past two weeks.

Wait... I don't know why I'm sending this. I just realized that any question that could follow this surveying what to do would be ludicrous. I've made up my mind, thanks for (maybe?) reading.

Never Mind

I always enjoy receiving letters like yours, NM, and they come in fairly regularly. People sit down to write and by the time they're done describing the problem... they've got their answer. Because they already knew it. They just didn't know they knew it until they wrote their way to it.

But I'll just say this...

Looks fade, tits sag, joints give out, music changes, people retire, etc., and eventually all you’re gonna be left with is an old, out-of-shape guy with seriously dated taste in music—along with serious jealousy and control issues—who treats you like shit but, hey, he sure makes a decent marinara. Get out of there now. (And you do know most restaurants deliver these days, right?)

And while it's tempting to look back over a shitty situation and wonder what we must've done to bring whatever that was on ourselves—a shitty relationship situation, in your case—we need to be on our guard against attaching meaning and/or responsibility to random things/choices that may not have had anything to do with, well, anything. Which is a roundabout way of saying I don't think you should blame the decision to date someone you didn't want to crawl on top of immediately. There are lots of people out there in loving, happy, wonderful, and appropriately challenging relationships with individuals they couldn't see themselves dating at first. The issue here wasn't your decision to date someone you weren't desperate to fuck on first sight, NM, but that this particular someone—this guy you made an exception for—turned out to be unworthy of your time, your attention, and any exception you might have made for him.


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