" You're just another young person out there doing what lots of other young people (and many old people) are out there doing: trying to find a sexually compatible partner for the long haul." - Dan, if only you gave ten percent as much good faith to guys with similar issues. You routinely treat men's issues with not-totally-compatible partners is that they're being patently unreasonable and they need to do more listening to their partner, especially if their not-satisfying-right-now partner was as obviously depressed as this LW's boyfriend.

meh...
maybe we have reached the point where all the interesting questions have been asked and answered?

Tops?

LW is definitely a bottom.

I figure he has another partner in his own city and is blowing smoke up her ass out of cowardice.

@1: Sportlandia, what exactly is it that you want? You want Dan to rip into a letter writer who is already wringing her hands about the fact that the kind of sex she requires has dried up now that she and her boyfriend love each other? Why? Because equality? Because misandry? Because women get away with stuff all the damn day long and men get called onto the carpet for no reason whatsoever?

Seriously, what is your goal and more importantly, what do you think that Dan, as an advice columnist, should do when someone asks him for advice?
Sometimes Dan is kinder to some letter writers than he is to others. Sometimes those letter writers are women, but they're just as likely to be men. Sometimes he might take the letter's tone into account. Tone: it's that quality that makes us sympathetic to some letter writers and not as much to others. This letter writer comes across as sympathetic, and her boyfriend comes across as more obtuse and crippled by depression than inherently assholic.

I can't see what Dan is doing in his response to her that should make you get your panties into such a twist. He tells her to be more direct. He tells her to make it clear that she needs the kind of sex they used to have or she will cheat or walk. He suggests that perhaps they aren't the perfect match for each other. I guess it would make you happier if he called her a stupid bitch as he was doing it.

You are apparently getting laid on occasion, so you're not an incel, but fuck, man, do you hate women. I can understand why any self-respecting woman would steer clear of you once she gets a whiff of the misogyny.

@6 As plainly stated in my post, the issue isn't Dan's advice to women, it's Dan's advice to men, as contrasted by this post. If you've read my past posts, you'll see that I agree with the speak up/be more direct strategy. This advice is fine. I'm annoyed because when men write in, Dan replies as if having desires that aren't shared by your partner are an ethical/moral failing. We've had a number of "we don't have sex like we used to earlier in the relationship" goals, and the pattern is clear: When a woman writes in, Dan advises strategies and techniques to help her achieve her goal, framing her interests as the "Cost of doing business". When a man writes in, Dan questions the honesty of the fantasies and goals and implies the only reason he wants these things in the first place are because he's selfish and not giving enough emotional time to his partner. I dunno, I might have a need to write in to Dan one day with an issue I don't know how to solve. I'd hope the reply is "you don't have an issue, you're a subpar man for thinking you have an issue". If you want to wonder why men keep their emotions bottled up and have poor communication skills - you two can look in the mirror.

Sportlandia, I don't understand why every single time I open the comments you are there complaining about how unfair life is for men? And/or complaining that someone was being too nice to a woman? Is this all you care about? This letter has nothing to do with gender. It could be two gay men, two lesbian woman, or a submissive man and a dominant woman and nothing would be different.

I think the LW should be direct with her partner but she should also make some suggestions. If he's gained wait or the health issues are affecting his ability to maintain an erection then she should suggest some alternatives: Blindfold her so she can't see his body, remind him that she's not looking for PIV but some kink, etc.

@sportlandia: I tend to agree with your posts about agency but I don't know if I'm sharing your opinion about this one. The LW that comes to mind is the LW whose husband wanted her to fuck other men and she wasn't really into it. I can't remember how you replied to that one, but I think if that LW was a woman or man (i.e., dude writing who wanted his wife to fuck other men and she wasn't down) then Dan would be consistent. He asked. Wife said no. Guy is being an asshole. There are limits to GGG. Also, it seems that a lot of the people who reply here when dudes write, Dan says to cheat, and the people here get up in arms. In those instances Dan is offering the same kind of advise he is offering here: try to talk it out and then if talking doesn't lead to touching and touching doesn't lead to sex then there's no relationship left. (Figured Jenny Lewis has a new record out so why not re-write the lyrics.)

There are two common letters. One is some variation of "I want to try X but my partner doesn't (or I haven't told them yet)". The other is some variation on "The sex was hot at first, but now it's less hot/ less frequent (or gone)".

This letter is a variation on the second, not the first. Since they got together BECAUSE they liked this dirty rough sex, the boyfriend knows its central to her sexuality. And he was totally into it in the past, so it's not a matter of him trying to do something new or trying to get into something that's not really his thing in order to be GGG. This letter refers to kinky sex, but it's basically just asking about how to rekindle something they once had.

As for the question of if she is selfish for prioritizing her sexual satisfaction: they are young and not otherwise committed. If they had shared finances or long term plans together or shared families or children or if they'd made career sacrifices for one another or any other responsibility or change that complicates lives and relationships, then there'd be a case that she's being selfish if she priotizes a certain aspect of her sexuality over the greater relationship, especially if the change is temporary and they could work towards improving it or establishing a new compromised normal.

But none of that is relevant here. This is a case young people who've had a long distance relationship for less than two years. They see each other at least once a month. They have separate lives at the moment. They are also in love. Right now- before they entangle their lives- is EXACTLY the time to consider if they are going to invest more or walk away with good memories. Now is the time to be "selfish".

She could choose to be single again for no reason whatsoever and while it might be hurtful (breakups usually are) I don't see why that would be selfish. That's how dating works.

What would be selfish is if she says she's cool with it, compromises, entangles their lives, then later- after kids or finances or sacrifices, etc- she tries to change everything or sneaks around or leaves, etc.

My advice is to keep it in the communication phase until his illness is done. Just have sweet reassuring vanilla sex until he's over whatever sickness he has (assuming it's temporary- if it's something chronic or long term then you have some more thinking to do and not just about the sex, that could change everything and that's a different question). But meanwhile, talk about it. Maybe he can sort out what it is that makes him want to fuck his love in one way but his FWB in another. Some people have that split in their minds, some people like the impersonal aspects and see it as liberating- the masked man comes to mind from last week- and some people have a madonna/whore complex. If he can honestly see it as a problem for you two and discuss it, then maybe one option is to role play. When it's time to get dirty, you could take on a different persona. Be his whore or his anon hook up sometimes. Be his sweet madonna lover others. It could be a fun thing to explore. Likewise, if he's totally not down, consider how you'd feel about both of you stepping out. He might also miss the dirty sex with people he doesn't love. Maybe it's something you could both get outside the relationship. Though you'll have to see how you feel about the fact that this means you wouldn't get it in your primary relationship. Maybe that's a complication you don't want to take on, and no selfishness there by owning that. A third option is that you go back to being FWB and just have the dirty sex while you date other people. That would probably involve a break where you don't see each other or text for a few months.

And I don't see the parallel between asking someone else to have sex with a third person and asking someone who has a history of enjoying fucking you dirty to do that thing again. These are very different asks. What they do have in common is that if the bf is really and truly not into it anymore, he has every right to have that respected and the LW would be shitty to pressure him into it. But she doesn't just have to stay and sacrifice for him either. It just means they aren't compatible long term.

(Sporty it's becoming an obsession "if the genders were flipped" scenario made up just so you can get mad and feel like a victim- that's the ironic part - but honestly at this point this conversation with you isn't interesting anymore since it's exactly the same every time and usually totally irrelevant to the letter.)

LW- rest assured, “selfish nymphomaniacal bitch” you are not. Your needs/desires need to be addressed just like anyone else’s.
I suspect you will be a hot commodity in some circles, just be aware that some may mask their assholism with dom-related stuff.
That said, I truly admire/envy such sexually sophisticated mid 20’s folks nowadays.

Sporty- it’s the same oh so predictable déjà vu time after time. “A young man asking questions in order to be a better man” it is certainly not.

@3 how do you make the font appear upside down?

EL- I wrote my post before I saw yours. Looks like we are somewhat compatible, at least on the sporty side of life.

BTW in my post above, I was assuming the health problem was something like 'oh I'm going to be flabby while I'm on this medicine and can't get much exercise' or 'this illness makes me breakout' or 'this treatment makes my hair fall out' in which case I was advising LW to just wait until he's feeling better again to take the next big step.

But I just re-read and now I'm thinking it's more along the lines of some long term thing that is just aesthetic but he's ashamed of it?? That's different. Maybe it's his sensitivity there that really is at the core of this? Like, 'how could anyone want to be with me I'm so hideous, anyone who wants to fuck me must be shit' - like that's maybe why he enjoys the kink? But now he's fallen in love and knows you love him and so the kink feels different? I dunno maybe overthinking this. But if what was getting him off was the play around thinking that someone who desired him should be degraded or abused, then they fall in love - that would sort of fuck up the kink, right? Like, now this is someone who he loves and she accepts him so defenses down and vulnerabilities real now- it might be harder to play. I say, role play!

I also sense some compatibility with nocute and surfrat.

@EmmaLiz, it's not uncommon for a man to get off on degrading and/or hurting a woman, but then if he falls in love with a woman, wanting to protect her from pain.

Sportlandia, ok. If you’re so sure if this discrepancy, proof may be needed. It’s not so hard to check back and find these letters and show us the facts.
I don’t see you as a woman hater, I see the struggle I believe you put in to be a more rounded human/ man.
We all bottle up our feelings to some degree, nobody wants to hear all of them. How one releases them is the issue, how one decides that yes this feeling is so strong I must share it as it’s telling me something real. Other feelings are not worth giving into.

Didn’t take you long CMD. Meow.

HGG, your boyfriend has not learned how to fully integrate his dominant side into a substantive relationship. Indeed, he may not be entirely comfortable with that side of his sexual identity. So while he was able to slap, degrade, sexually dominate you when there was no romantic aspect to your relationship, he has yet to accept that sexually humiliating (consensually) a woman he loves can be an integral aspect of a loving relationship. That knowledge comes with time, experience, and maturity, which is one reason why many submissive women gravitate to older men.

To get what you need in this relationship, you need to make sure he understands that loving you requires he love you the way you need to be loved, and that requires sexual degradation and intense physical domination during sex, and dirty talk during the periods you are apart. Be clear about: this you are sexually submissive and need to express that side of yourself to be sexually satisfied. Give his some time to come around while directly repeating this message. If he is unable to provide the sex you need, then you should break up. Your kinks are not going to go away, and having met married submissive women in kink clubs driving 200 miles from their hometown to get their needs met in secret, you don’t want that to be you in ten years.

Yes nocute that's what I was saying in my first post, but after re-reading, I wonder if something more is going on regarding his shame around his 'aesthetic' prob. Mainly I'm thinking- the LW, a woman who likes this sort of kink and has had sex with men who like this sort of kink, though it relevant to mention the two issues- his disinterest in it now that he's fallen in love plus his insecurities around the physical manifestation of whatever medical issue he has, so maybe there's something there linking them. Also maybe I'm overthinking it and there's nothing there at all- anyway even if there is, it's not necessarily relevant to how she or he should act since the effect is what it is regardless of the cause.

How is this even a relationship, seeing each other once a month.
The premise is shaky LW, and there’s no way a once a month thing for years would be satisfying. Then he drops out with the sexting and hot sex. Sounds like the good ‘ol Madonna/Whore scenario. Now he loves you he can’t let the slut/ whore/ hot lover survive.
You love this man, and care about his inner troubles. That’s good, and I don’t feel you should stop being a caring friend. You’re not his therapist though, and the lover bit seems to have dropped out from his side.
I’d close it down sexually, stay his friend from afar and keep an eye on him, because he needs to do some work on his attitudes to sex and love. Is he ex or current Catholic by any chance?

What is the medical/ aesthetic issue? I'm guessing acne.

It’s raining here on Good Friday, must be God weeping.

elmsyrup@22, I was thinking something along the lines of eczema or dermatitis.

Glad I'm not the only one who's bored as hell of Sporty's "women must be punished" / "men get treated so unfaaaaairly" whining. Interestingly, when challenged to provide examples of men being treated unfairly, he can't do it. NoCute, you're right that it's tone rather than gender that determines how sympathetic Dan, or indeed we commenters, are to any given LW. Sure, sometimes he gets it wrong, like when he told the male LW his wife closed her eyes because she was fantasising or found him unattractive. I hope that he learned something from the multiple female responses to those theories. But even in this letter, there was no hint of "you're a subpar man for having an issue"; there was an attempt to explain something he didn't understand, and advice which included saying that if the problems couldn't be fixed, he shouldn't spend the next five decades with her. What more do you want? You're seeing persecution where none exists. With this attitude I'm not sure why you continue reading this column. Your "swap the genders" bullshit is tiresome and off base. Not sure why Lava still sees you as wanting to grow, when I see the complete opposite.

My guess is that the medical/aesthetic problem could be a hernia. Yes, HGG has to use her words. Top from the bottom if she has to. Tell him, "Slap me! Call me a slut!" Perhaps there is something she can wear to signal she's in a kinky mood. Yes, she must be patient; men cannot be expected deliver sex on demand, kinky or vanilla. Patience is getting her nowhere, though, so she must vocalise her needs as well.

Sportlandia @6

When LavaGirl complained that Dan was allowing men to have their desires but not women, she gave a counterexample to the letter to illustrate her point.

Her example showed that her perspective was warped (she framed a woman dictating her boyfriend's masturbatory habits as the woman's own preferences), but the fact that she provided a specific example at least helped clarify her stance.

Can you provide a similar side-by-side so we can see what you mean?

RE: partner's health issue? Psoriasis is a possibility. Or maybe scleroderma? Just guessing.

Just a comment underscoring the need to be explicit about what you want. Too many men and too many women think to themselves that the other person "should know this" or "everyone knows this" or even "I wish they knew this" and don't actually say what they want and don't want, or what they like and don't like. But other humans are really bad at reading your mind. And our guesses are also really bad, more often than not.

So if someone is saying or doing something you don't like, say "Dont say (or do) that, I don't like it".

If someone is saying or doing something you DO like, say "More of that, please, I like it".

And if you want them to do something, say "Please do .... for me".

Be explicit - if you're too shy to say what you want or don't want, take improv classes or get therapy - it's your life, you need to be able to talk about what you do and don't want. Your life depends on it.

nocute @ 16
Yes, that’s certainly right, though I’d like to pull a mild Sportlandia and extend this beyond the M/f relations we’re dealing with in this particular situation.
It is my experience that D/s relationships in general, let alone when degradation is involved, is often challenging to start if there is already an established non-kink friendship. Same for maintaining the kink once friendship “outside the office” is formed, which also seems to be the case here.

I do think sometimes the advice is going to be different depending on gender in some cases. That’s because the world that we live in is gendered, the people that we are responding to usually identify with a particular gender, biology is also a factor, etc. I hate the idea that we are just supposed to behave as if none of this exists - if Dan did that he would give really shitty advice. This is like the whole “I don’t see color” bullshit. If you don’t see color, then you have a stupidly simplistic view of the world. Same with patriarchy. And Sporty- like Hunter if I recall- identifies patriarchy, he just doesn't call it that and persists in pretending that anyone ever claimed that patriarchy didn’t also hurt men or that it doesn’t also include women. And so when some men complain about the ways in which rigid social masculinity hurts men (suppression of emotion, societal nonchalance around male rape), for some reason they direct their anger at feminists for lately having some mainstream success in raising awareness about how patriarchy hurts women.



Best I can tell, the earliest argument along these “it’s not fair” lines was way back in the internet early days - when the current endless wars were really starting- and the MRA types loved the talking point that feminists are hypocritical or privileged because they aren’t fighting to include women in the draft. Or they correctly point out that governments use young men as disposable commodities in war. Like- instead of directing their outrage at the requirement that all young men should be available as canon fodder, they get pissed that women aren't likewise fed to the military beast. So they see a larger societal structure that devalues the actual lives of young men by playing up standard masc gender roles (the strong brave sacrificial protector of the homeland or whatever) but instead of focusing their outrage on the legal, material and cultural structures that perpetuate this bullshit, they instead resent women for not also being subjected to it. Paradoxically, they consider themselves victims for being subjected to patriarchy while also internalizing it as necessary or natural, a burden even. If you have the inclination, consider these contradictions and then head back over to last week’s conversation between Sporty and BDF around the gendered responses to rape and you'll see exactly the same thing in full display.



It's not unique to patriarchy- you see the same misplaced resentment with the "all lives matter” folks too- like, they are pointing out the truth that police violence is a wide problem but they are directing their anger - not at the police - but at black people for talking about how it affects them. The MRA stuff is a part of a wider backlash. Nurturing resentment is easier than structural analysis or personal growth.

I’ve been saying this for a couple years- if you have spent any time looking into the manosphere, then you’ll recognize Sporty’s language and arguments. It’s always frustrating to attempt real conversations with fundamentalists because they don't engage in good faith- their entire worldview is arranged in a way to deflect and defend, not to understand.

 We're all stuck in this bullshit in one way or another. I personally don't know how to take being told that there's this huge bias towards women or feminist intolerant control of a worldview at the same time that fundamentalist misogyny is on the rise- violent even- and women's actual legal rights are going rapidly backwards, in the US and elsewhere. I can't think of any legal attacks on men, no misandrists carrying out violent attacks, and even very few actual material consequences from the MeToo accusations even. A few rich people lost their jobs (not their wealth though) and some didn't get the promotions they wanted. I just have trouble seeing where all this feminist bias really is. I mean, let's assume Dan is biased towards women (which I think is ludicrous, his biases have more to do with being open and kinky and wealthy and urban and he seems pretty receptive to feedback) but let's take the accusation at face value and say that feminism has won over the world's sex advice columnists- hooray?

Fundamentalist narratives always do the same thing- they offer you a scapegoat on which you can pile all your grievances and affirm your personal feeling that you would have it all (whatever it is you feel is being denied from you) if not for this scapegoat, etc. It casts you as both hero and victim at the same time and requires no structural analysis and no personal growth. It’s easy to hate.

@27, what are you talking about? If you state my thinking was ‘warped’, please show where. That bloody letter won’t die!
My position re the videos was about holding onto an intimacy that was long gone, using shared videos from that intimacy to jack off in the future, holding onto the visuals of this intimacy. To my view, and obviously not shared by many, he is objectifying her, holding her as she Was.. when she felt intimate with him.
I told the LW she shouldn’t get others to delete anything. She can ask sure, she can leave if the issue is too big. Her motivation was no doubt jealousy, and the question why? Which is a question I would also ask any man I was with who had a similar cache of videos.
A man who keeps women like they are things to hang onto via naked pictures or videos of them self pleasuring, keeping his score no doubt, is not a man I’d want to be with.
Whatever you are talking about @17, either I wrote confusing words, which is not unusual I know, or you’ve completely misread me.
Such a carry on about this. I get you all are from the internet generations, and these pictures and videos are everywhere, being used for whatever.
A relationship is a living thing, between people, now. Constantly slipping back to pics or videos of past loves does all a dis service.
I don’t judge all this need for videos of sex, I do feel it’s changed the sexual fabric of the culture Big time, since my youth.

@32: Cogent analysis, EmmaLiz.

Perhaps I lie, maybe I do judge the whole outsourcing of intimacy to pics and videos.

Lava, regarding your take on that situation re: the videos of the ex. The girlfriend has every right to be disturbed by it and every right to seek partners who don't have a hundred naked pics of their ex on their phone. I think it's questionable if this means she should ask him to delete them (I don't think it's a good idea to change people) but she did and he complied- so it's always possible he was willing to give them up to stay with her. IMO the problem with your stance was that you and the LW kept repeating that he lied about all this because he missed four videos. There was no evidence that he lied- the boyfriend himself even said it was an oversight. And yet you kept assuming that he was jacking off to all these old videos and creating scenarios in which he is outsourcing his intimacy or returning to old lovers as masturbation fodder, etc. When the most obvious explanation is that the boyfriend did exactly what he said he did- missed a very small number of images as he was going back through the pics to delete them. To me, what seems obvious from this is that the central problem- both for you and that LW- is the fact that this guy ever had that photo collection in the first place, and that's not his fault nor his problem and it's never going to change. The girlfriend seemed disproportionately obsessive about it- snooping back through months later to see if he really did do as he was told and then getting all upset that he missed a few photos and accusing him of lying etc. It's controlling behavior, a big red flag.

She has every right to be with someone who does not keep naked ex collections in the first place- she can feel free to only date men like that, her feelings are valid- but that was not the question.

@33/LavaGirl: Funny that you are still exorcised about the man who kept naked photos of his past lovers, but your comments were wholly silent about the women who kept email from her affair with her married boss for nine years. All the reasons that you provided for why someone is wrong to retain mementos for past sexual relationships apply equally to written words as to images.

It's an obsession because y'all are blind to the wield you're created. I'm a keep it up until you see. If you don't want to read it you don't need to come here and I won't miss you.

No SA, @37; there we disagree. Words are not pictures or videos.
Do you watch porn which is only words on the screen? No you don’t. Do you jack off to words? No you don’t. Either pictures on a screen or in your head.
I see no inconsistency in my responses re the video letter and the old affair with boss letter. Both came from snooping, which I disapprove of.. from there they diverge.
Yes, one keeps momentoes from past loves, if those people were important to you. Naked pictures and videos of self pleasuring are very different to words in emails and letters and pics of someone fully clothed.

Or maybe your drunk ass can go back to the echo chamber that is the incel forums. I don't think many people here are interested in your "Truth".

Another one who only jumps on to abuse people.
EmmaLiz, people change in relationships all the time, influencing each other, not sure why you believe that doesn’t happen.

Ms Warped, interesting choice of words. You’ve been nicely brainwashed. One of your sisters feels her feelings and truth, and you look down your nose at her. You’re the warped one.
Any person is ‘allowed’ to set their limits, and up to others if they wish to pay the price of admission or not. Unwarp yourself.

SA, not fully clothed pictures, that sounds prudish, pictures which remind one of the whole person. Where it’s only their sex which is kept..that is the core of the intimacy.. which is no longer part of this man’s life, the guy in the letter.
I find the commodification of sex, worrisome. It doesn’t gel with how I have conducted my sexual life. Sex and intimacy, however shallow, going together. Perhaps becoming a mother a year after I lost my virginity has a lot to do with my view of sex. To me, sex is serious business. And intimate business. I wouldn’t want naked pictures or privately sent videos of me floating around out there. Luckily I missed that trend.
Just my opinions, not sure why a war has to start about it.

LG @39 "Do you jack off to words? No you don’t."

Ahem. I have jacked off to words.
I also sense an undercurrent of distaste every time you mention "jacking off". What is so bad about jacking off?

Emma @32: Applause again. "I mean, let's assume Dan is biased towards women ... but let's take the accusation at face value and say that feminism has won over the world's sex advice columnists- hooray?" Indeed! What's the saying -- when you are used to privilege, equality feels like oppression. If I am seeing any "bias" against men, it is (some) men being called out for their entitlement which passed unchallenged for generations. "She's not coming the way I want her to come, isn't she obligated to change to please me?" No, no she's not. That's bad advice? Women -- including this guy's exes -- have felt obligated to fake orgasms for the sake of their partners' egos. But apparently, to some, "sorry dude, sex isn't all about you" is unfaaaair.

Lava @35: Ya think? Yes, you have said repeatedly that "it's different" because these are videos. Words get a pass, photos get a pass, but videos? Can't keep those, oh no, they must be deleted and never thought of again. You are totally judging the medium and yes, people can and do jack off to words, to fully clothed photos, to memories in their heads. Videos aren't different, is the point we all keep trying to make. Either he thinks about his ex when masturbating or he doesn't, whether has a video on his phone or not, and to suggest anyone has a right to police what's in their partner's head when they're masturbating is the idea that started a war.

Sporty @38: Again, you've been challenged to provide examples and you can't do it. I rest my case.

@39 @LavaGirl What? Lots of people get off to words.

Mr Landia - In the Rumpole stories, Mr Justice Oliphant often produces acquittals in the cases he tries because he over-eggs the prosecution pudding and sickens the jury. A letter in which there's little to disagree with the particular response may not be the optimal choice.

Mizz Liz - The analysis of the relationship in #10 seems sound.

Ms Cute - Interesting. Is this LW sympathetic? That may depend on whether one has a default position of sympathizing with a LW unless (s)he racks up enough penalty points as the letter progresses.

I could go either way about dinging "the more HE [why can't we italicize?] fell in love" or not. "I've tried to hint about this to him," is a definite ding, which I am tempted to call a decided Engel (after the late Georgia). The older members of the assembled company may recall Georgette's tiny voice, and how naturally sympathetic she was even without it, being paired with the bombastic buffoon Ted. I suspect some people hear an Engel and automatically feel sympathy for anyone with such a small voice; my impulse is to judge whether it's deliberate or not. (This is also so close to reminding me about how Lady Middleton "resigned herself to the idea of it [the visit from the Miss Steeles] with all the philosophy of a well-bred woman, contenting herself with merely giving her husband a gentle reprimand on the subject five or six times every day," but I cannot quite get it to work - ouch!)

I'm not inclined to fault either LW or Mr Savage about the "he doesn't feel sexy at present" passage. It's tempting to ding those members of the commentariat whose response to Mr Horton's lament of a while back that Mrs Horton didn't feel sexy came from a default position that he wasn't doing enough to help her to feel sexy [shades of Mizz Liz Probert's contention that a married woman's having an affair was an act of rebellion against her husband's abuse of his male power, but a married man's having an affair was his own fault], but that's a side issue.

We now come to the classic case of Over-Self-Accusation, which took Mx Wanna in. I usually ding that quite heavily, though here LW makes it interesting by playing Mr Landia's card for him.

Two reasonable questions and two ridiculous ones. How appropriate. Is LW sympathetic? I'd probably disagree with any answer to that question.

Mizz Liz @32 - Thank you for being conversant. Perhaps you have a refutation for an MRA claim that strikes me as slightly off, but I'm not sure where it divides by zero. I keep seeing or hearing the contention that one reason for trying to deny the reality of male victims of various evils or afflictions is that general sympathy for a problem goes down when it is known to affect men as well as women. That seems off, but I'm not sure where.

As for the draft, I could make a case that men's saying the draft should just end has just historically had a negative effect on the whole, the general response being to insult the man making the claim. As for [So they see a larger societal structure that devalues the actual lives of young men by playing up standard masc gender roles], I think they've moved on from that to male disposability - probably too much biodeterminism.

[And so when some men complain about the ways in which rigid social masculinity hurts men (suppression of emotion, societal nonchalance around male rape), for some reason they direct their anger at feminists for lately having some mainstream success in raising awareness about how patriarchy hurts women.] What I'm seeing/hearing now is more along the lines of complaints that women want men either to express emotions the way women do, or express emotions women want men to have. Weirdly, it makes me think of the QAF lesbian relationship trouble early on in the series when Melanie finally goaded Lindsay into pouring out all the resentment she'd been WASPily suppressing, and could only conclude, "Well, I wanted you to talk about it... and you did..."

@32 you're actually fairly correct (although you're a committed feminist and opposite to me on this and many issues, it's obvious that you are humble enough to look past your own nose and see things from more than your own perspective, which is why your posts are routinely lauded). But it's plain @1 - my issue was explicitly and 100% directed at Dan for failing to provide adequate advice to men. Yet the "feminists" in this thread interpreted that an anti woman attack, despite adhering to your advice. So yes, BDF at al - you're rank chauvanists, no different then those who supported slavery, who denied women the right to vote, etc. You are for the status quo except in the ways that benefit you. You're the majority and you use that power to shit talk people like me without any power under the arbitrary brief that all men have more power than all women. How convenient a belief that rationalizes your negative desires. Very novel.

Also, don't ask me to do your homework for you.

No, Sporty. If you're asserting that there are lots of examples of X, you need to show your workings, because you're the only one who sees them. I can assert that there are pink unicorns flying around everywhere but until I provide some evidence, anyone listening is just going to think I'm crazy.

Lava @ 43
“Just my opinions, not sure why a war has to start about it.”
I suspect some of it has to do with your divine knowledge that everything appearing after 1972 has no validity whatsoever since it never worked FOR YOU, the only experience that counts, delivered tirelessly time and again in a decisive know-it-all scolding mother goose mannerism.

Sporty @ 38
״y'all are blind״

You both demonstrate the talent and determination needed to start genitalia wars in empty non-gendered restrooms. Don't let anyone take it away from you.

@LavaGirl: I only jack off to words.

Dear Tech-Savy, At-Risk Youth (or webmaster),
Please allow us the ability to italicize again.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

I Don't Want To Have To Look All Shouty By Using Caps; I Just Want To Emphasize Some Times

Sportlandia, I don't think the people here are blind to men's issues. Gender roles make life worse for both men and women and I think the ways men are harmed by this are a frequent topic of discussion.

"Don't ask me to do your homework for you" is reminiscent of the SJW motto "Google it." If you expect people to see things the way you see them you have to explain your reasoning, nobody is going to be convinced if you just ask us to guess. Of course if you have already decided that we are all too blind to see the truth then there's no reason for you to attempt to justify your point of view since we will never get it anyway.

I’m really tired of having to defend my thoughts/ ideas/ feelings: these are letters responded to. These are not your letters. I was responding to the LW’s situation. Agreeing with her position is not allowed because.... he’s a big boy, he can pack up his videos and leave. They will keep him warm at night.

Sportlandia, every one has their bias; even Daniel.
It’s got to be a tough gig for him, so much emotion gets released from so many groups demanding legitimacy. Lucky he’s a Libran, because he balances things out pretty well.
I’d have been fired the first week.

Speaking of getting off to words, if you go to “tiny nibbles” in the Savage Links, there are quite a few well-written erotic short stories... I haven’t read them all, but loved “Taking Dictation”, “Working Girl” and “MEMORANDUM” in the “For Couples” section. Hilarious!

CMD @50, love it when you let your inner bitchy queen out to play. x
And from now on my every response to Sporty's unsubstantiated rantings is going to be "LOOK! A PINK UNICORN!"

"But if I knew that he sexually wanted a certain thing I would satisfy him without thinking! ", says LW. But that is not true, is it? He wants a romantic relationship entirely without D/s, and she is not willing to satisfy him. I don't blame her for not being able to satisfy him, but get off your GGG horse, LW. You have your own limits and requirements.

BDF @ 57
Apparently I’m a closet switch ;)

Sportlandia - If you had posted your first comment on a thread in which the LW was male, your biases wouldn't be so glaringly obvious.