Your Mom Didn't Need to Know What/Who You Were Doing

Comments

1

'Mom, it's none of your business.'
'Mom, I'm an adult.'
'Mom, I'm not talking about this anymore with you.'
'Mom, if you weren't prepared to treat me like an adult, you shouldn't have offered/allowed me to move in. Do I need to move out?'

2

"She was upset, and SCARED for me, immediately calling my partner "flaky" and assuming that there was emotional cheating on our parts while he was still married, (there wasn't). She wanted to know why I wasn't dating "like a normal person." . . . I know I can't change her opinion or her feelings on the matter, but I just don't want her to BE SCARED FOR ME . . . ." (emphasis added)

What exactly is the mom scared of?
The lw (her daughter) already knows the guy, so he's not some ax-wielding stranger.
Is the mom scared that her daughter will be hurt when this ends? Well, guess what? Officially dating someone doesn't protect you from getting hurt. Maybe the lw will be the one to end things, and won't get hurt; even if the dude ends things, that doesn't mean the lw will necessarily be hurt.

What other things could the mom fear?

3

@2, I'm in total agreement with your confusion. I have teenage grandchildren, and there are things I'm scared of for them and for their parents, but nothing that an FWB relationship would /increase/ the risks of. Ax wielding person that you know? Officially dating doesn't prevent that - in point of fact, manipulative, controlling and abusive people are more likely to /insist/ on an official relationship because it gives them more leverage or outright power in the situation. ¯(ツ)

4

Homelady gotta get her own place if she doesn't want mom up in her business. Adulting 101

5

Give mom a bit of a break. She may be new to the concept of FWB and may need some time to wrap her head around it. Yes, HOME is an adult and has the right to blah blah blah. But moms are gonna worry and she likely has a whole lifetime of internalized messages about casual sex that make her fearful for her daughter's wellbeing.

I'd be gentle. You only told her last weekend so this is still kinda new. She wants to see that you're ok, on track with your career, not pining, not being used etc. So show her that you are. And if she gets up in your business, empathize with her concern, reassure her that you're happy and taking good care of yourself and being sensible while having fun.

If, on the other hand, she'd being moralistic busybody, then you can take a harder line. You know her best. But I'd try to assume that her worry is coming from a place of love first and address it accordingly.

6

Need to know basis, HOME, need to know basis. “I’m hanging out with a friend tonight” is plenty truthful and is plenty of information.

Sometimes I’ll be on a cruise or vacation or whatever with my parents and siblings, and will end up having a fling. I tell the fam that I met some people and we went to a party. They don’t need to know that I and my fling partner (flartner?) were the only two people at the party.

7

@6: Ok but "flartner" is hilarious and should be the official term moving forward.

8

@2 Maybe she's afraid her daughter will get a reputation of being a slut (I don't agree with calling any woman a slut, which should go without saying, but some people are still like that) or that she's a cheater. That's really all I can come up with as a possible explanation.

9

@6 I'm now adding "flartner" to my vocabulary.

10

Dan's wrong here.

I blame it on his parents and his upbringing.

You should be open and honest with the important people in your life like your parents. Sometimes you can't because they can't cope, but THEY get to decide that, not you. And sometimes they don't cherish you enough to be worth talking to them. But you still should try, because that's what family means, you worry about each other.

And mom is just worried, bought into myths and irrational beliefs. The thing to do is try to correct her misunderstandings, if she refuses to accept that you keep trying until you get through to her or you don't love her anymore.

11

You and your mom are in that weird transition phase where you are both getting used to the fact that you’re not a little girl any more. It takes a while for parents to let go (we never let go completely...you’ll always be her little girl) it’s a process. Be patient and show her that you appreciate her concern but you aren’t being reckless, and are living your life by a reasonable set of rules even if they are different from hers.

12

@11: Insightful and compassionate, Donny. Nice.

13

Some of us would have hoped, while others of us would expect, that HOME's mom would have had a better reaction to receiving a bit information about HOME's sex life, but HOME simply had no reason to tell her mom that there is a person in her life to whom she goes for sex. HOME's mom should never go around looking for evidence of her adult daughter's sex life, and should turn a blind eye to anything she does see, like an opened box of condoms, but HOME needs to maintain reasonable boundaries around her personal life, including most information about her sex life. At this point, I would tell HOME to drop the subject of her FWB, and not engage her mom in conversations about sex. When she goes out for sex in the future, she is simply "spending time with friends."

14

Oh mother, do what I did and read SL. Then all the variations that one’s adult children may get up to will become clear. Just tell your kids not to get pregnant or get others pregnant.
LW, your mother is overstepping her brief. Remind her, as my close to twenty two yr old son does, that you are an adult and you won’t be telling her all about your life.

15

Is she really scared for you LW, or making moral judgements about your life?
My son is in the reverse situation. He’s broken up sexually with his gf, because she is having issues re her orientation, yet they still hang out and sleep over at each other’s. He didn’t tell me of the change himself, I found out via my neighbour, because my son told her son and he told her, and it happened a month ago.
Me getting all worried he might be in pain etc has only gotten me the response,
‘ that’s why I didn’t tell you.’

16

Perhaps the LW’s Mother was thrown by the reference to her daughter’s ‘partner’, which does imply a level of seriousness and commitment which is immediately undercut by the ‘Friends With Benefits’ label. No wonder the poor woman is confused. She probably thinks her daughter has serious feelings for a man who is just stringing her along. I’m not too keen on this whole ‘FWB’ thing either - i’d bet a majority of these arrangements are more benefit than friendship, anyway. Honestly, is it any wonder bi folk get the short end of the stick if they can’t even use queer language properly? Really, a lot of needless angst could have been avoided if you’d simply said you were going out for some trade.

17

Damn, I wish I could have another pass at that comment (memo to self - wait 30 minutes after smoking before commenting on SL). Bi folk remark was merely an observation that the bi letter writer used a serious queer relationship term ‘partner’, and an unserious hetero relationship term ‘FWB’. I don’t think it came out right. My apologies to all the lovely bis reading this, especially those who know not to mix their dialects.

18

Mom is, presumably, less than 70 years old. How does anyone that age not understand the concept of casual sex?
Also, just because this person is living in her parent's home does not mean mom gets to know everything her daughter does. That's just intrusive.

19

Dan, one thing you missed is that she is (probably) staying the night at her FWB's house, which is not a common occurrence with platonic friends. HOME's mom sounds a bit like mine -- I've been in poly relationships for 5 and 7 years, own my home, and sometimes she asks me when I'm going to "settle down." If casual relationships make your mom "scared" that is indeed her problem to deal with, not yours. HOME might try answering her mother's questions with a "do you really want to know?" This FWB is out of the barn; she can at least tell Mom there's nothing to worry about because Mom knows where she'll be. Hope she's financially able to move out soon.

20

Apology accepted on behalf of the bi's, Pan @17. I would note that "partner" is more general in another part of the queer community -- the poly community. "Partner" is a general term that means any of the people one is sleeping with, whether they are a primary or non-primary partner, a FWB, a comet (someone long distance whom you see only very occasionally). No assumption that if HOME is bi she must be poly, but that may be where she picked up the term.

It's also not clear that "I'm heading to my partner's place" was a direct quote from HOME to Mom; she might have used his name, and just called him "my partner" in this letter to Dan. Because if she'd said "I'm heading to my partner's place," it's unlikely "are you dating?" would have been the follow-up question.

I agree that Mom probably just doesn't want HOME to get hurt and still harbors old-fashioned gendered ideas, seeing HOME as being used for sex rather than the two of them mutually using each other for sex. Her fears aren't unfounded; HOME could get hurt. She might try telling Mom that the more serious the relationship, the more hurt she will be if it ends.

21

I'd go a little more easy on the mom than some. The lw said the mom was worried that there had been "emotional cheating on our parts" during the marriage, so her mom just asks her where she's going and not only did she tell her mom it was a FWB situation, but she told her he was divorced a couple months ago. She also either told the mom that they were good friends before the divorce or the mom knew who he was already (since the mom was concerned about some form of infidelity). As has been said many times before, people can cheat in non-monogomous situations, too and the mom may be worried about that. I think this is an unusual amount of information for the lw to share with the mom, but perhaps she shared out of excitement and the mom picked up on that. If this is the daughter's first relationship or if she is inexperienced ("she wanted to know why I wasn't dating 'like a normal person'") the mom may be concerned lw is less experienced and being used or jumping into something she doesn't understand with an older/more experienced man where she's gonna get hurt. Moms naturally worry and someone who would blurt out all this (to a mom who would be this concerned) does seem a bit naive. I know there are a lot of "ifs/maybes" but we don't have any info about lws relationship history. We just know she's been with this guy who divorced a couple months ago, told her mom all about it and will do "anything" to make her mom neutral except dissolve the FWB situation.

22

Sorry, lw said, "there's a lot" she's willing to do, not "anything". That's a lot less dramatic. I still do think it's naive to think as an adult you can tell your parents 100% of the things you're doing and have them not worry and feel neutral about all of it. You don't even have to lie. As Dan said, "I'm going to a friend's". Girls/women do have overnights. She's 23, so even if mom didn't like underaged drinking, she could say there was drinking and she didn't want to drive (if she was spending the night, and yes, this probably would be a lie). I think that's better than, "going to FWB who is recently divorced".

23

I'd just answer mom honestly. "I'm busy with getting my certifications and I don't have the time or emotional energy for a full-time relationship right now. I know you worry for me, but this sort of relationship is what works for me right now."

24

Whether she should have told her mom is irrelevant. She already told her mom, so advice along the lines of not telling your mom about your sex life, while correct, is singularly unhelpful at this point. Her mom is worried for her safety; they need to have a conversation like adults about why her mom is worried and whether or not these fears are reasonable. Maybe the mom will learn something and their relationship will improve.

25

When I was in my early 20s, I wrote my parents a series of letters in which I mentioned my sex life. I wasn't even living under their roof. I thought I was being chatty as I told them about the classes I was taking, the movies I was seeing, the people I was meeting, etc. They reacted much as HOME's mother did which was to tell me everything I was doing wrong with my life. That is, I was taking the wrong classes, working at the wrong places, and definitely doing sex wrong. To that, I reacted much as HOME is reacting. I thought they were wrong to judge and to interfere with my life.

Years of therapy followed. The first insight the first therapist offered is the one Dan touched on, that my parents worry was about manipulation. They put it in terms of just being worried about me, but that was a trick to get me do what they wanted. (Not that they knew what they wanted.) It was like they put it in terms of my not caring about them and their worry if I continued to have all that casual sex. I didn't love them, and I was killing them. The more I tried to allay their fears with the information that my relationships were safe and loving (and fun), the more they turned up the "look what you're doing to us".

The next insight (after many more years of therapy) is the one no one has mentioned yet. Why did I continue to feed them information? Because I was seeking their approval! I wanted them to see me as an adult. I didn't get it that nothing was going to do that. Like HOME, I thought I was being honest with people I was close to. I thought my friends who clammed shut on any mention of sex with their parents were being deceitful. Now I know they were being shoulder shruggingly discreet.

Note HOME's actual question. She doesn't ask what she can do to make living with her mother while having a sex life easier. That question would be easy to answer: Don't tell her. That's the answer Dan and the commentariat is giving. Her question is: "What do you think I should/could do to best facilitate her coming to neutral terms with this aspect of my life?" HOME's question is about changing her mother's opinion! I rest my case.

26

Oh, and one more thing, HOME. You say you're a terrible liar. Learn how to lie. It's a skill you're going to need in life. Not being good at it is nothing to be proud of. It's like bragging that you're no good at math or that you can't cook. After you learn how to lie, you can discreetly choose not to lie often, and you may brag that you don't lie much, but get good at this important skill even if you don't use it much.

27

I can't believe some of these comments - most seem focussed on bringing poor old mom around to a place where she's delighted by the idea of her daughter having casual sex. I really doubt whether that's going to happen. Look, HOME, your mother is going to worry about you, no matter what; as my own mother told me when I was young, that's her job. Trying to badger her into changing her opinion won't get you anywhere. The two of you don't need to agree on everything and she doesn't need to approve of everything you do. Reassure her that while you value her concern, you are a level-headed adult who can manage her own love life, and leave it at that. No further discussions are needed.

28

Thank you for your graciousness, BiDanFan. I suspect we could spend all day and night trying to reconstruct HOME’s exact conversation with her mother, and while fun, it probably doesn’t help poor HOME mop up the consequences of her oversharing with her mum.

My mum asked about my love life just once after I came out. I told her it mostly consisted of trolling the internet for trade. Once she worked out exactly what that meant, she never asked again. Mind you, she was, um, ‘with the band’ back in the 60s, so she knew a thing or two about recreational sex. Which, in a roundabout way, brings me to an answer to HOME’s actual question - simply use your upcoming summer break to ‘follow a band’ and let your mother know you’re ‘a devoted fan’ and that the guitarist has called you his muse. By the time you get home, your mum will be so relieved, she’ll be happy with a harem of fuckbuddies, so long as everyone has regular access to a shower.

29

Or her muse, as the case may be.

30

I lived with my parents well into my 20s. You've got to establish boundaries, carve a little space of privacy for yourself. I took to almost never telling my parents where was going or who I was seeing. It was a battle, but I just calmly said "Out" when they asked where I was going. It drove them crazy, but once at a family reunion I overheard my mother say to an aunt "[she] always says 'out' when I ask her where she is going. I hate it, but I know it's important for her to be independent." Then she saw I was overhearing and said "you weren't meant to hear that" From then on they stopped nagging me, and paradoxically I shared more about my life from then on.

31

Mr Pan - That may be a valuable perspective to try. Rather like the way Marcia Brady passed her driving test by imagining the examiner in underwear, I may try reading at least certain people's posts under the assumption that they posted in a state of altered consciousness. As I've never been high in my life, it would never have occurred to me.

32

@30 I understand your overall point about independence, but I do think it's rude to live with a family member or partner and refuse to tell them where you're going and when you'll be back. It's not an opening for discussion or argument, it's just basic courtesy.

And from a practical standpoint, you don't want them freaking out any time there's a fire/shooting/car accident anywhere in your vicinity simply because they have no idea where you are.

33

I think @25/Fichu has the right take on what is underlying this dynamic, why HOME is framing this problem wrongly, and why the right approach is simply to drop the topic, rather than following @24/NoHighway’s approach that HOME engage with her mom. HOME isn’t going to change her mom’s perspective or allay her concerns or get her approval, she needs to preserve her privacy around her sex life, and move on.

34

Yeah, I see a lot of myself in HOME"s letter. I was going to figure out how to turn my parents into the reasonable sort of parents I needed, and then the friction would stop, and everything was going to be okay. I'd explain why how wrong they were, and they'd see it my way. Ha!

That said, it is polite to tell someone you're living with where you're going and when you intend to be back. Just because parents sometimes use worry as a tool for manipulation doesn't mean that all worry is unwarranted or that all safety precautions are wrong. It's just that HOME likely hasn't been brought up in a way that she finds it easy to tell the good kind of worry from the manipulative sort. With that in mind, saying that you're going over to a friend's is a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

35

For those of us who had barrier breaching parents, this letter has alot of signs of bad behavior from the mother. The L-dub appears to been taught to believe she has no right to privacy. She hasn't learned how to not share. That's very likely to be a product of how she was raised (I'd bet on it). And the mother didn't just express worry. She expressed some hardcore judgement intended to shame and guilt the L-dub into behaving how she wanted. These sorts of scenarios are unlikely to be isolated. Mom is highly probably invasive and controlling to the point of emotional abuse.

Yes, this is just a snapshot, but the whole picture is easy to deduce for those of us who've been there.

36

35-philosophy-- Help me with what L-dub means. When I googled, I found a film festival.

37

@36: Fichu, I believe that philosophy school dropout is graphemically representing the pronunciation of "lw"--letter writer. L--l; Dub=w.

When George W. Bush was elected, I was initially confused by all the articles referring to a mysterious man named, apparently, Dubya. Turned out that was the way of rendering W.

38

@Fichu,
Dub = shortened form of W.

39

@36/@38 yes. It's how I hear 'LW' in my head. So I started typing it that way.

40

@34 I agree with you (and many others). I'm sure some children/parent relationships can include casual conversation about who/why/method you use to get sexual enjoyment but that will be the exception not the rule in America. Honestly if she asks about your love life she is more likely asking "is there anyone serious". LW is in the range of marriage. She doesn't want to know who you are rolling around with for kicks.

As far as fears, 1) loving parents worry a lot, but try to keep it under wraps 2) LW mom is likely 45-60 which means she was a young teen/adult in the hight of the aids epidemic (not to mention rampant Hep-C). I'm just barely old enough to remember the histaria around it's hight. People were dieing in horrific ways, there were no treatments, you could spread the disease to a dozen partners before suffering a painful months long death soon to be followed by your lovers. I'm betting the mom's first and second reunion had a lot of empty seats. Much like modern kids fear with school shooting that terror stays with you for life, often subconscious. 3) as a parent she will worry a whole lot more about her kid than she did about her self (in the case where maybe she did some flings). 4) parents that ask where you are going when you plan to head out want the basic info so they don't spend hours/days panicking about murderers and accidents. "I'm spending some time with a friend for a few days, I'll check in with you by text". One and done and mom's not stuck at home imaging the worst.

41

I would address your mother's concerns.

'Why aren't you dating like a normal person?' Because you are extremely busy getting the qualification that's essential for your future and you don't necessarily have the time or emotional energy (presumably something like this is your answer).

'Will you get hurt?' There is less chance of your getting hurt than if you were dating in an exclusive, heavily romantic way. You and your lover both know the terms of your being together. You have been open and clear about what you want to get out of it.

'Is your partner flaky?' He hasn't flaked on you yet (if so). You get to choose when to see him more than you would in a full-on bf/gf set-up. And if he flakes, isn't it better that you don't deeply care?

'Were you in any way cheating with him before his marriage broke up?' No. You played no role in the end of his marriage.

If your mother has other concerns, address them. She loves you and is concerned for your wellbeing. The short- to medium-term goal for you is the qualification. Help her see that your sex life right now is a good fit with that.

42

I see this as more of a relationship question than prying into LW's sex life. She seems to accept that adults have sex when they are dating, thinks dating is the norm, and asked why LW isn't doing that after she was told about the fwb. Yes, the tone was slightly judgmental but not more than you would expect from someone who doesn't understand. I'm going to play devil's advocate and not attribute manipulation. Mom asked where she was going, LW said something she thought was normal to mom, mom questioned it, and now mom has an answer she doesn't understand so she is concerned. LW might have used the person's name so mom knows which friend she is with in case of emergency. Mom may have deduced the rest, or asked how LW knows (specific friend) and LW casually answered, not thinking it was a big deal. Since the horse is already out of the barn and for the sake of argument I am assuming a positive relationship, I suggest the LW keep being open with her mom. Let her know that of course adults have sex, she is having sex with someone she knows and trusts, neither one of them have time/energy for dating right now, and would mom prefer she fuck random guys she picks up in bars?

43

My post crossed with M? Harriet. They put it more succinctly.

44

@25. Fichu. HOME's mother may worry about her without any desire to control her. Maybe HOME should meet her mother's worries head-on, to begin with, and only start wondering whether she ought to give her mother an account of herself after it's become manifest that her explanations aren't getting her anywhere.

45

@32 Sometimes you have to be rude. Mom has lost the privilege of knowing where LW is going. If that causes her to freak out about every little thing, that's on her to take care of (perhaps with therapy), not LW's problem.

46

Interesting comments. I do see @35 PhiloSchool’s point. It all sounds very intrusive language by the mother, and shows little trust in her daughter’s ability to manage herself. She’s twenty three, one has to let go as a mother.
The worry is real, so a general sketch of ins and outs is reassuring. Then you know they are not home that night etc.
I don’t know Harriet if allaying mother’s concerns is a good idea. It means more intrusion in the LW’s life.
‘You’ve got to trust me mom. Trust that as an intelligent adult woman, I can manage my own life.’

47

@46. Lava. Do we know whether her mother's 'worrying' is a covert, maybe unconscious, means of seeking to control her daughter? There doesn't seem to be the evidence for that yet.

48

Fuck me. Mom is behind the times. All parents are. But why did she feel the need to tell her mom this? I would have said, "I'm getting together with a friend; he's a guy I know and we share a hobby in X. I'll be back whenever." If you share stuff about your sex life with your parents then it's on you when the parents act like idiots. We're not talking about sexual identity here, such as coming out. We're talking about actual sex.

49

Yes surfrat, actual sex. Harriet, the mother’s words show an overinvolvement and negative judgement of her adult daughter’s private intimate sexual life. It’s none of the mother’s business, living in her house or not. The evidence at hand is all we got, and yes, to me the mother is trying to control her daughter.

50

Eh, I don't know. I'm mid-50s and have two daughters, aged 25 and 20. I would say that I'm a very involved, loving mother, and of course I'm concerned about my children's welfare and happiness. But I know they have FWBs and it doesn't make me clutch my pearls; I have FWBs, too.

I'm actually close geographically and emotionally AND socially with my girls. My older daughter lives in town, but no longer with me (younger is in college and lives with me on breaks and over the summer), so most of the time, I'm none the wiser about where they spend their nights. The nature of their relationships that I have even heard about, I leave to them: if they want to share with me, great; if not, I understand. Neither of them has a boyfriend--not someone they would give that sobriquet to--but I know both of them date and have sex. I'm not sure what the difference is between some of their "dates" and FWBs, and furthermore, it's none of my business.

Back when I was 20-21 or so, I was living with my parents, who most decidedly did NOT agree with having FWBs--at least not if one was female. I never discussed my dating/sex/hookup/FWB life-situation with my parents, but I didn't want them to worry about me if I didn't come home, and they, in fact (or at least my mom), just asked me to let them know if I wouldn't be coming home. There were many times I called at 11:00 p.m. to say, "Hey, I'm not coming home tonight; I'll see you tomorrow." We had a real DADT, though none of us had heard the phrase yet.

You know what? It worked: they didn't worry I was dead in the street when they woke at 3:00 and I wasn't home. I didn't give them the details of my sex life. Although they're neither idiots nor delusional, they knew I was having sex with some nameless (to them) guy(s), who were not being identified as my "boyfriend," they hid whatever concerns, fears, or different standards of morality they had.

I'm incredibly grateful to them for so graciously pretending that they were fine with what they had to know I was doing. I know it wasn't the way they conducted themselves as single people and I knew they didn't "approve" of premarital sex, or at least of sex without love. And yet they never lectured me.
I was lucky.

A generation later, I have a similar lived-dynamic with my daughters, but I don't have an issue with the way they are each currently conducting their sex lives. So we continue to progress.
(Or, I'm sure, Commie would say, "regress!")

51

Meanwhile, over at Slate's How To Do It, https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/daughter-sex-life-details-mother-boundaries-advice.html

52

The mother is using shame words, Harriet. Those are words of control.

53

Surfrat @48: "why did she feel the need to tell her mom this?"

I'm going with, 1, because she spends the night there, and 2, because Mom asked her directly whether she and "Jim" are dating. "No, it's just casual" sounds like a reasonable response. We don't have to tell our parents about FWBs when we don't live at home, which is one of many reasons most of us move out. NoCute @50, yes, you were lucky!

55

@52. Lava. It’s wrong if the mother is trying to shame the LW. HOME would be entitled to withdraw all her confidences if that's the case.

/break/
To me, HOME's line will depend on whether her mother is just 'worried about her' or whether she is fundamentally judgmental about casual sex. It may reach a point where HOME has to ask: 'do you trust me to make my own decisions?' or 'are you fundamentally disapproving of casual sex?'

56

@51: That's an excellent reminder that boundaries - clearly and promptly stated - are a kindness that help other people avoid causing unintentional harm and behave in ways that make one happy, which most people want to do (as members of a social species for which concillatory social relationships and cooperation have been advantageous).

57

As for this letter, from what HOME describes, I'm seeing more irrational anxiety than puritanical judgement or intentional manipulation/control on mom's part (noting that unintentional/subconscious controlling behaviors are one way people with anxiety disorders try to cope with that, hoping the control will assuage the anxiety; sadly it doesn't, so such behaviors are entirely maladaptive, as they harm others and provide no palliative effect for the person with the disorder). Depending on whether the degree of anxiety is normal for parents or actualy disordered, HOME may be able to address it with information (which may help assuage normal anxiety), or mom may need therapy/drugs (if it's disordered anxiety)

58

I agree with philosophy school droupout concerning the red flags: the fact that HOME accepts "my house, my rules" without question, as an adult, and regarding things that aren't even happening in the house (which is indeed absurd, as Dan notes), strongly suggests at least excessively authoritarian parenting and perhaps an abusive lack of privacy/boundaries. HOME clearly hasn't learned how to say no, deflect, lie, or otherwise maintain privacy boundaries with mom. That doesn't NECESSARILY mean an abusive home environment - it could be normal parental concern in an accepting household where HOME never felt the NEED to maintain privacy because her parents only ever reacted supportively to knowing the truth, for example. However, the fact that mom ISN'T being supportive here (all the more now that HOME is an adult, and not a teenage adult, but a full adult at the end of or past the point where the rapid growth and pruning process for the perfrontal cortex has finished) suggests that the best-case scenario probably isn't accurate.

59

@10
WTF!
My mom is 91, we have never discussed sexual relationships and we get along great she is quite intuitive. Same goes for all six siblings.
What is going on with all these people that think Moms need to be talked to about everything or all the cuddly baby love between them will be destroyed and they will never talk again or love each other, what a stupid concept.
Get over it. These people sound like the type that uses the term "I'm a grownup" to describe themselves as adults.
I just guess I have a great relationship with my 91 year old mom, she is logically respectful and so am I and the crazy thing is, the world didn't end because we don't discuss sex and relationships. There are far more important ways to bond with a parent without figuratively showing them your dick or vag. Thinking you have to discuss everything is not bonding it is a tug of war over power.

Let it go, stop being BASE!