Me and my husband are both in our mid-20s and in an open marriage, although we haven't really been with anyone else until this recent hookup with a classmate of mine who's also gay, married, and about my age.

We met in college and became friends. Recently, he started flirting with me and suggesting that we should "hang out" together with our husbands. We did, and we all got along pretty well as friends, but as me and my husband are two very awkward introverts, we didn't do anything beyond casual hugs. Also... we weren't very physically attracted to my friend's husband. But we decided to keep it going just for experimenting and hopefully we could work it out. A few days later, all four of us hung out again and they wound up inviting us to their apartment. The four of us made out with each other, sucked each other's dicks, etc. It was awesome... in part. Me, my husband, and my friend got along really well. However, I was crazy anxious throughout the whole night—so much so I couldn't even have an erection—because I'm simply not attracted to my friend's husband. He's very nice but we just didn't connect in bed and I don't find him hot. So half of the time I was worrying that he would feel left out, worrying that he would notice that I wasn't interested in him, and being kinda disgusted for forcing myself to be with this person that I didn't want to be with. All of this would be pretty simple to solve if their agreement wasn't that they can only be with other people together. So I guess that having sex only with my friend isn't an option.

So, couple questions... were we wrong to hook up with them knowing that we might not like being with both of them? Is there a middle ground here where we can still fuck with my friend without, like, touching his husband in that way? Is there even a way of proposing this without being offensive? Or should we just stop seeing them?

Wanted A Threesome, Settled For A Foursome

This is an easy one: If a couple only plays with others together and someone doesn't want to play with both halves of that couple, WATSFAF, then that someone doesn't get to play with that couple. And someone who makes a pass at one half of an only-plays-together couple is being disrespectful of that couple's stated (and presumably shared) boundaries, limits, interests, etc.

In other words, WATSFAF, "having sex only with [your] friend isn't an option." The workaround that seems simple and obvious to you—a threesome that excludes your friend's husband—isn't going to work for this couple... if your friend is an honest guy who wants to honor the commitment he made to his husband. And if he hasn't given you reason to believe he's a dishonest guy and/or that he's willing to sneak around behind his husband's back, WATSFAF, you shouldn't raise the subject of playing with him alone. Even if he has given you reason to believe he's a dishonest guy, you shouldn't ask him to have a forbidden threesome with you and your husband because 1. friends don't tempt friends to do something that might destroy their marriages and 2. you don't want to get mixed up in a lot of drama if/when your friend's husband finds out.

All that said...

You can tell your friend you aren't interested in any future foursomes and you can tell him why: you attracted to his husband. Depending on their relationship/interests/kinks, WATSFAF, there may be a way to include your friend's husband that doesn't require you or your husband to interact with him sexually. Maybe your friend's husband gets off on watching and/or the idea of being "actively excluded" turns him on—that is, maybe receiving a steady stream of dirty pics or videos counts as "playing together" or being tied to a chair in the corner of the room while you three go at it would appeal to him.

But don't make those suggestions yourself, WATSFAF—again, just tell your friend you don't want to play again and tell him why. If his husband likes to watch (in the room, or as his phone blows up) or his husband gets off on the though of being cucked—if there's a workable workaround that works for all—your friend will bring it up.

P.S. You weren't wrong to hook up with your friend and his husband. Sometimes a person we're not initially attracted to blows us away with their personality or their dirty talk or their crazy cocksucking skills. That happens—it didn't happen this time, obviously, but it's a thing that happens.

P.P.S. Just because you don't want to fuck around with these guys again doesn't mean you have to stop seeing them. Just revert to being FWoBs ("friends without benefits").

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYBODY: Please read Dahlia Lithwick's new piece in Slate about what Alabama and Republican forced-birth extremists in other red states are trying to do...

One could feel sorry for Chief Justice John Roberts. He is, after all, caught in an unsightly squeeze play between anti-abortion zealots in Alabama, and slightly less wild-eyed anti-abortion zealots in Georgia, Ohio, Tennessee, and Indiana (the court seems unable to make a decision on whether to grant the Indiana petition it has been sitting on for months now). There’s finally a five-justice majority within striking distance of a decadeslong dream to overturn Roe v. Wade, and the anti-choice activists are getting ahead of themselves like slurring drunks at a frat party and making everything more transparently nasty than it need be.

And please—if you can—make a donation today to the Yellowhammer Fund. They provide "funding for anyone seeking care at one of Alabama's three abortion clinics and will help with other barriers to access (travel, lodging, etc.) as well as able." And if you'd like to make a donation and have a cool t-shirt to wear...

The wave of abortion bans is the product of forced birth extremism; and forced birth extremism kills women.

I made a series of tee shirts telling this crucial truth. All profits go to @yellowfund to fight for the women of Alabama: https://t.co/hoHLnF7eER#AbortionIsAWomansRight pic.twitter.com/mDtVUEPCJR
— (((Tae Phoenix))) ✨ (@TaePhoenix) May 16, 2019