I'm a 41-year-old woman in my second marriage to a 42-year-old man who's been married twice before me. I lived on my own for ten years between marriages, raising my two kids and dating, but swearing I didn't want to get married again. That changed when I met D, who is funny, kind, has a great job and kids I love like crazy. They are a little younger than mine, and have some special needs. He left his town—over an hour away—and moved in less than a year later, and we got married a year or so after that. We'd always been "monogamish," and he's always pushed my boundaries a bit and opened me up to new things. But...

A few times he's pushed the boundaries too far: he has cheated on me by establishing "secret" relationships with friends and lying repeatedly. The most recent time was last fall, as we were in the middle of a crisis and custody fight for his kids. To save our marriage I proposed trying to be poly, since that is basically what he was going to be doing anyway, but at least I'd know about it. He promised to be completely honest, and has been as far as I know. He currently has a girlfriend and I've begun seeing someone.

In the meantime, he's proving to be unreliable in other ways. He forgets things constantly. He will spend his days off playing video games and doing nothing—not feeding the kids, doing the dishes, etc. He's terrible with money and any sort of responsibility. He's currently driving my car because he wrecked his and spent the insurance money on other stuff. I started taking the bus because he's forgotten to pick me up from work too many times. Our tax refund, slated to pay for my college tuition, was confiscated for his unpaid student loans.

All of that sounds horrible, I know. And it is. But he has a kind heart, is very loving, and deserves to be happy. He loves me and tells me often that losing me would destroy him. Since his last marriage ended (due to his infidelity), his parents have washed their hands of him. He's had some major depression from that abandonment. If I were to leave, he would have no support system, and even worse, his kids would lose the stability I know I bring to all of their lives. I do love him, but since the crisis is over, I'm beginning to resent all of the sacrifices I've made and will continue to have to make. If I could go back and do it all again, I would not. I'm also suspecting that poly will not work for me—I'm falling for the new guy, and I'm finding myself resenting the idea that I will never have the relationship I want—with anyone—so long as I am married to D.

So... what do I do? We are semi-comfortable financially but it would be impossible for either of us to live where we do on our own. I feel responsible for these kids. If I can figure out a way to finish school, I can afford living on my own after graduation next summer. But his kids won't be out of school for another four years. Most of the time, we have a great life and I kind of forget everything else. But I'm getting tired. And I'm getting angry more often and for longer. And my desire for him has started to wane so much that he's noticed. We see a counselor but I don't know how to answer when she asks, "What do you want?"

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Too Exhausted For A Witty Tagline

My advice (and I think you knew this would be my advice): DTMFA.

There's a reason—at least one and probably more—why this man has been divorced by two women and his own parents don't want anything to do with him. He's not in good working order, TEFAWT, and while that may be a tragedy for his kids (definitely a tragedy for his kids), it's not a life sentence for you.

Now no one is in perfect working order, of course, but a relationship one person can't leave—because the other person threatens to fall apart—isn't a relationship at all. It's a hostage situation.

D may be funny, kind, and employed, but he's also selfish, reckless, inconsiderate, and either honesty obtuse or manipulatively obtuse. He's lied to you repeatedly about significant stuff, he effectively stole your car, and he can't be bothered to get up off the couch and get his own damn children something to eat? Yeah, no. (I'll bet he can get his ass off the couch when he wants to eat his damn girlfriend.) And the semi-comfort you live in now? It's unlikely to last as D's particular brand of recklessness is the kind of gas that expands to fill all available space. And his awareness of your reluctance to leave on account of his kids—his other hostages—has created what he perceives to be infinite space. Which is why you're taking the bus these days.

Marrying him was a mistake and the divorce ripcord—yanked by his last two spouses—was installed to help people undo just the kind of mistake you made. "Leave" is easier said than done, I realize, and you've bonded with his kids and don't want to see them suffer. If you hung in there for four more years—one measly presidential term—and saw his kids through high school, TEFAWT, you'd deserve a medal. Even if you can only manage to stick it out until your graduation next summer, his kids would be in a better position to take care of themselves and you'd still deserve a medal. But you aren't required to stick around—and sticking around may be making matters (read: him) worse.

And I promise you he won't fall apart when you go—he'll just move on to his next mark/enabler.

P.S. Don't leave D for New Guy. Get your own place, stand on your own two feet, and be independent. You can keep seeing New Guy, of course, but you shouldn't move in with him or, God forbid, marry him.