On Thursday, top tanner Donald Trump publicly admitted that Russia helped him get elected. This confession, like all important presidential announcements, came via Twitter. Please read the following in the voice of Jan Brady:
Russia, Russia, Russia! That’s all you heard at the beginning of this Witch Hunt Hoax...And now Russia has disappeared because I had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected. It was a crime that didn’t exist. So now the Dems and their partner, the Fake News Media,.....
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 30, 2019
....say he fought back against this phony crime that didn’t exist, this horrendous false accusation, and he shouldn’t fight back, he should just sit back and take it. Could this be Obstruction? No, Mueller didn’t find Obstruction either. Presidential Harassment!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 30, 2019
Presidential Harassment! He's one meltdown away from reporting his enemies to Twitter.
Trump, perhaps, reading the replies to his tweets and realizing what he actually said, later retracted his statement. "No, Russia did not help me get elected,” he said when speaking to reporters from the New York Times and elsewhere. “I got me elected.” Actually, Donald, the electoral college and a minority of voters in this country, along with the DNC, James Comey, Mark Burnett, Steve Bannon, Hillary Clinton, America's obsession with celebrity, a handful of Moldovan teenagers, and the utterly clueless media got you elected, but at least you can claim a smidgen of credit for defiling the presidency even more than the previous 43 white men and Barack Obama did.
Trump, acting every second of his age, then attacked Rober Mueller and rejected the special counsel's statement Wednesday, when Mueller essentially said that Trump was not actually fucking exonerated so please stop saying that and read the report, you fucking morons. “I think Mueller is a true never Trumper,” Trump told reporters. “He is somebody that dislikes Donald Trump, he’s somebody that didn’t get a job that he requested that he wanted very badly, and then he was appointed.” It's Mad Libs, Presidential Edition.
Luckily, every paper, blog, and website this side of Beijing is reporting on this admission so Trump won't be able to memory-hole it any time soon... at least until he does something else idiotic and the news cycle shifts once again. If we happen to bomb Iran in the next day or so, it's probably not a coincidence.