Oppsie.
Oopsie. ALEX EDELMAN/GETTY IMAGES

On Thursday, top tanner Donald Trump publicly admitted that Russia helped him get elected. This confession, like all important presidential announcements, came via Twitter. Please read the following in the voice of Jan Brady:



Presidential Harassment! He's one meltdown away from reporting his enemies to Twitter.

Trump, perhaps, reading the replies to his tweets and realizing what he actually said, later retracted his statement. "No, Russia did not help me get elected,” he said when speaking to reporters from the New York Times and elsewhere. “I got me elected.” Actually, Donald, the electoral college and a minority of voters in this country, along with the DNC, James Comey, Mark Burnett, Steve Bannon, Hillary Clinton, America's obsession with celebrity, a handful of Moldovan teenagers, and the utterly clueless media got you elected, but at least you can claim a smidgen of credit for defiling the presidency even more than the previous 43 white men and Barack Obama did.

Trump, acting every second of his age, then attacked Rober Mueller and rejected the special counsel's statement Wednesday, when Mueller essentially said that Trump was not actually fucking exonerated so please stop saying that and read the report, you fucking morons. “I think Mueller is a true never Trumper,” Trump told reporters. “He is somebody that dislikes Donald Trump, he’s somebody that didn’t get a job that he requested that he wanted very badly, and then he was appointed.” It's Mad Libs, Presidential Edition.

Luckily, every paper, blog, and website this side of Beijing is reporting on this admission so Trump won't be able to memory-hole it any time soon... at least until he does something else idiotic and the news cycle shifts once again. If we happen to bomb Iran in the next day or so, it's probably not a coincidence.