I'm a 25-year-old gay man (top) who has been dating a wonderful 23-year-old gay man (bottom). Our emotional connection is wonderful. I'm a recovering alcoholic (21 months sober) and a survivor of conversion therapy. I go to several AA meetings a week, meet with a sponsor weekly, and see a therapist weekly. My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive and understanding. We've been together the past six months, have shared that we love one another and I've met his parents. My therapist says I have OCD checking, depression, and anxiety and being in this relationship has been a trigger to a point that it's debilitating & medication is now being recommended.

One of those triggers has been our lack of sex. My boyfriend isn't as sexually experienced as I am and has never had anal sex. He's wanted to be in a relationship before engaging in it and we've bought an anal trainer kit for him to practice. However, he seems to have a bit more of a passive sex drive than mine. But we've only had sex (oral) six times (give or take). He doesn't like his dick to be sucked and he never orgasms in front of me. Mainly he will just give me head or a hand job. Also, he seems incredibly particular about sleeping in the same bed together as we've only done this once. Based off his sexual experiences that he's shared, it seems like there is a lot of anxiety he has around sex/sleeping over. (He's told me a story of how he threw up before the night of anticipating a sleepover.) I get frustrated that he shuts me down for sex/frustrated with myself that I have such an intense sex drive. I thank him for being patient with me (as I learn to tame my sex drive). We both agree that monogamy is best for us.

I just don't know what to do as I feel like I'm constantly initiating and getting turned down. He claims he just doesn't want sex all the time like I do. I feel like I'm always reaching for sex as it almost never happen—it's like the more I push, the more he pulls. I don't want this to turn into me nagging for sex or a sleepover but I feel like there's got to be a middle ground? It's honestly driving me nuts to feel so sexually deprived. At the same time, I love him dearly and he's one of the best things to happen in my life.

Sexual Deprived Gay Man

A strong emotional connection is great, SDGM, but sexual compatibility is important—and not only are you allowed to prioritize basic sexual compatibility in your sexual and/or romantic relationships, you'd be a fool not to. And that goes double in sexually-exclusive romantic relationships. And you and your boyfriend, I'm very sorry to say, don’t sound the least bit sexually compatible—frankly, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is in good enough working order to be dating anyone at the moment.

It's not just that your boyfriend has a low libido—one guy's problematically low libido is another guy's perfect fit—it's that he has crippling intimacy issues, SDGM, issues he needed to address before getting into a relationship, not after. Which is not to say he isn't a lovely guy! Or that your emotional connection isn't wonderful! But his overall loveliness and the general wonderfulness of your connection isn't enough to paper over what isn't working here. If he can't come in front of you, if he doesn't like having his dick sucked, if he doesn't seem to wanna be fucked (how do you know he's a bottom?), if he can't spend the night with you, and if after six months you're feeling painfully self-conscious about your perfectly normal desire to have sex with the person who claims to be your sex partner... then it's not going to work out, SDGM.

It already hasn't worked out.

And if your therapist is recommending meds because of the damage your relationship is doing to you—assuming I’m reading that part of your letter correctly—then your therapist should've advised you to get out of this relationship. If your therapist didn't give you that advice, SDGM, then you might wanna think about finding a new therapist too.

You can break up with someone without cutting him out of your life—you can continue to love this man dearly and be there for him emotionally, SDGM, but as his friend, not his lover.