Last year I was dumped by the father of my children. We'll call him "Brad." It sucked and I was heartbroken. Shortly thereafter, I was lonely and just looking to date casually, but I ended up meeting the most amazing man online. We'll call him "Tim." We both knew within a few minutes that this was it. I immediately entered the healthiest, most enjoyable relationship I've ever had. Unfortunately, neither of us were really ready for this. We were both still legally married. He went out of state frequently to visit his kids, and stayed in the former family home with his ex, sleeping separately, but acting for all intents and purposes like they were still a family. He didn't seem to have any sense of urgency to get a divorce. He was constantly apologetic and validated my feelings, but it still hurt me very deeply. It was a lot to overcome, despite the rest of the relationship being pretty much perfect.

While seeing seeing Tim I wound up sleeping Brad on several of the occasions when Tim was gone visiting his family. If I'm being honest, it gave me the closure I needed, but I feel terrible about it. I know, I know: I'm an asshole. I then decided that the right thing to do was to break up with Tim, so I did. Tim immediately went back up to his ex and served her divorce papers. He's completely and utterly devoted to me. Tim now wants to get back together. I know that I could marry this man and be very happy. I am ready to start a life with him and be faithful to him.

My question is, should I tell Tim I cheated on him with Brad? It seems like the right thing to do. I just feel awful. Every time Tim says nice things about me, or tells me he loves me, I feel this deep ache that I'm not the good person he thinks I am. I want to tell him, but I don't want to hurt him. He is such a nice guy. He'd forgive me and never use it against me. But he'd be so hurt, and it could also damage my ability to effectively co-parent with Brad.

I remember a column many, many years ago where you advised a man not to tell his wife he cheated—because he wanted to do it for him, to absolve his own guilt, not because it was the right thing to do for his marriage. So, is this situation like that one, or am I an asshole trying to justify dishonesty in order to make my life easier?

Lovesick Idiot After Redemption

Ask yourself… if Tim slept with his soon-to-be-ex-wife when he was home seeing to family business and staying in the "former family home" and some of that sex with his then-wife overlapped with your time together—if it turned out the end of his marriage was just as messy and protracted as the end of yours—would you want him to tell you? Or would you appreciate not being told? — Dan

To be honest, if he did that, I wouldn't ever want to know about it. I just want to start over. So I guess that answers my question? Thank you. — LIAR

The Golden Rule—good advice then, good advice now. — Dan