Dear reader, today I share with you the cannabis equivalent of such an ice cream flavor, and no, it's not the new Post Malone cannabis line, although that is a great guess. No, I bring you... Vapegasm.
"The what now?" you ask, understandably.
Vapegasm, which wins my own personal award for "Worst Cannabis Product of 2019 So Far," is a self-described "Technology Solution Pairing Vaping with Sexual Stimulation." Thank the lord someone has been on top of developing a solution to a problem I wasn't aware we faced. What an empty existence it has been not having my vaping and sexual stimulation paired properly. I'm such a fool.
But how does it work? It has something to do with Bluetooth and a phone app which communicates with a branded sex toy. Per the cringe-inducing press release: "Users are able to control the vibrations of a... connected sex toy by how long they pull on their vape pen.... The longer a user pulls on their vape pen, the higher they get and the more the... sex toy in a girl's vagina vibrates."
Oooooookay—some quick thoughts:
• Kink shaming isn't cool, so if this is a thing that you participate in, I hope it gives you tremendous happiness and know you are perfect just as you are.
• That said, I'm not sure how well the term "girl's vagina" is going to be received. It wasn't a hit with the women with whom I shared this press release. "Strike one," said a friend.
• One of these women was very adamant that she wasn't wild about the idea of anything with Bluetooth capabilities "going inside, or on, my vagina. That's... no. No to that. I don't want or need that," she explained. Even as a non-vagina owning person, I completely see her point, and I expect other women are going to share her view. The press release makes mention that "men's sex toys will available very soon," so points, I guess, for offering a wide range of Bluetooth-enabled products for people to put in their orifices.
• It's operated by using an app, and terribly sorry to be all "Luddite Larry" here, but have we gotten to the point where we actually need an app to just get high and satisfy our parters with a sex toy? (I'm pro toy, BTW. Toys are GREAT—more toys, all the toys all the time for everyone who wants them, state-subsidized toys at deep discounts!) If your desire is to combine vaping with sexual pleasure, you could, I don't know, use one hand to hit a vape pen, and the other to operate the sex toy. It's not rocket surgery.
• This isn't a responsible consumption model, as it requires longer draws to increase the intensity of the toy. No one is going to die for over-consumption (as they might if this were an alcohol delivery system instead of weed), but low-tolerance vapers may end up with some unsatisfied partners. ("Why did you stop? I was so close." "Oh my god, I'm so high....")
• Other ways you can pair cannabis and sex toys? Eating, or smoking, or vaping cannabis prior to toy use, or by using THC- and CBD-infused lubes. There seems ample evidence that society has found ways to successfully engage in weed and sex simultaneously for centuries with relative ease. To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever confused a lit joint with a sex toy, but if so, I do not wish to know.
The app's technology has been used in similar sex apps that connect the intensity of a toy to the performances of a user's team choice for the Super Bowl, a horse in the Kentucky Derby, and—sigh—"investments in cryptocurrencies."