Recent Savage Love Letter of the Day: She's been blowing her husband for 25 years but something's suddenly off, manipulative rich guy shouldn't get his balls busted for free, twenty years ago his wife announced she wouldn't be blowing or kissing him anymore... and did talkative tenants involve their property manager in their kink? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

Up first, gang bangs:

Hey Dan, I loved the discussion with Mistress Matisse about gang bangs. I've done many myself, and have a couple of thoughts for consideration:

As you noted, an organized gang bang is a lot of work to put together, and you do run the risk that the planned time/date ends up not working for everyone. Maybe the woman is not feeling well, or something comes up at work, etc. And then the attendees have the same issues. In my experience, about 1/3 of the people who say they're going to attend a planned gang bang actually show up. For that reason, if the caller is looking for a small group (which she should be if this is her first), she might consider going to a sex club or swingers party on a night when she knows she's in the mood for it. Every city of medium-to-large size has a scene of some kind, and if it's a weekend night she'll have lots of guys to choose from. It's also (usually) a "safe" place where there is a house safe word, people keeping the peace, some measure of security, etc. I love a gang bang, but I have to be in the mood for it, so if I am, I roll up to a club or party, tell the host I'm looking for a gang bang, pick a few guys (which the host is usually very happy to assist with), and away we go. If I'm with a partner, he can join in, "proctor" or go do his own thing, whatever suits him, and no one had to spend a lot of time planning. Voila, instant gang bang. If the caller lives some place where there's not a robust scene, maybe plan it as the center of a weekend trip to a bigger city.

I've written a gang bang aftercare piece, on my profile at Fet (@missyperception). (I also wrote a series detailing the ins and outs of FOSTA/SESTA last year too, which you can see on my profile!)

We've been discussing this old column for a few a couple of weeks and I wanted to be done with it. But one more...

I was 25 and had been reading Savage Love for ten years (back when it was printed on paper!) when I had to make a decision. I was at a party with friends and I ended up making out with one of them. She was 15.

I had to decide: Should I invite her back to my place? Part of me said: no way. She’s too young. But another part countered: it might be risky. But I’ve thought a lot about explicit, enthusiastic and ongoing consent. I know about the Campsite Rule.

We had a conversation about our expectations. And we decided to sleep with each other and continued to do so for a month or two. After we stopped, we met up a final time to discuss the experience. She sounded really positive, and I was relieved. My relief should have been a warning sign that this wasn't right.

Months after an amicable breakup, partly because of different mental problems that I had not known about, I ended up harassing her and acting terribly. I haven’t really spoken with her since then. But I have understood that the relationship left her feeling manipulated and deeply hurt. It took me a while to understand this: I would focus about my good intentions and her enthusiasm at the time. But now it makes sense to me that someone so far from adulthood cannot give meaningful consent. Manipulation can happen without someone consciously trying to manipulate.

Dan, I accept how you define of your experience at 15. Over the years, people have told me about their own similar experiences. I’ve come to think of it like drunk driving. I’ve never done that, but several times I have been in a car with a drunk driver. I was not hurt in any way by those experiences. Does that mean drunk driving is sometimes OK? No, no, no—the risk is so great that we all agree no one should ever do it.

It's the same thing here. We can't say often enough: Don't Have Sex with 15-Year-Olds. I feel so sorry that I can’t repair what I did. I would like to do my part to make sure other people don’t make the same mistake and cause the same hurt.

I'm going to blockquote myself here...

Adults should not just err on the side of not fucking 15 year olds because it's illegal, which of course it is and should be, but adults should refrain from fucking even a 15 year old who appears to want it and appears to be offering their consent because it isn't possible to know with certainty that a given 15 year old actually feels or will continue to feel the way I did and still do, e.g. that the sex they had at 15 with an older partner was consensual.

With that stated, restated, repeated, and reemphasized... it sounds like it may not have been the sex that left this young person feeling manipulated, hurt, and traumatized, but the harassment and terrible behaviors your engaged in after the relationship was over. But I agree: adults shouldn't have sex with fifteen year olds. To avoid normalizing the idea of adults having sex with 15 year olds... perhaps we should change the subject?

Regarding my response to the LGBT "ally" who scolded a straight couple for buying some bondage gear at Mr. S Leather, an iconic gay/leather/fetish shop in San Francisco...

I'm writing to thank you for the way you replied to RQS on June 11. I'm a straight guy. Recently I was visiting Berlin with other friends and we went to a gay bar to grab a beer. We were not drunk, noisy, or disturbing in any way. The bartender treated us with a sense of superiority and made jokes about us with his colleagues in German (which me and my friends don't speak), in a way that wasn't in any way friendly. When I asked him the sense of what he was saying he replied, "That's not meant for you," a declaration with a clear double meaning. This made me really, really sad. Even if in some way I can understand where this behavior comes from, and being totally aware that hearing straight people complain because they feel discriminated by gays is hilarious, I thought that that exchange was a loss for everybody. So thanks for taking a stand against positions like "People shouldn't be barging into spaces that aren't theirs."

I'm gay as gay gets and I've been treated with similar contempt by bartenders in gay bars in Berlin—so unless you were advertising your straightness somehow, it's possible the bartender was just being an asshole generally, not singling you out for anti-straight assholery in particular.

And while I believe everyone should be welcome everywhere, I don't think it's okay for people to "barge into" spaces that "aren't theirs." Bachelorette parties, for example, were banned from many gay bars back before marriage equality was achieved in the US because... well, because ostentatiously celebrating your upcoming wedding in a room full of people who didn't have the right to marry was obtuse and insensitive.

Respectfully entering a space that was created by and for others and being careful not to crowd out or intimidate the people that space was created by and for? Sure, yes, come on in, have a beer, drop some cash, watch out for the German bartenders (they can be assholes!), but please refrain from "barging into" our space or anyone else's space.

One reader thinks I was too quick to recommend a sex worker to a reader who asked about hiring a sex worker...

A better solution for Single Horny Mom, rather than finding a sex worker, would be to explore "lifestyle" websites, i.e. sites for people in open relationship folks and/or swingers. Many of them have single men as well as married men whose wives lets them “play” on their own (which can be verified), and they’re normally very condom-proficient (I like to call it good condom management). No one can guarantee that every guy is going to know what he’s doing in the sack, but at least they understand the concept of scratching the itch. Best of all, a membership on any of the available sites is cheaper than a sex worker and perfectly legal!

Some thoughts for TACTILE, whose male partner couldn't come inside her...

There are two reasons why this man may not be able to come inside TACTILE. He's circumcised and the free movement of foreskin over and around the penis head is not there and the scar tissue has desensitized the glans. I'm not circumcised and I pity men who are. And I know that when I use an elastic restrainer ring at the base of my penis to hold the foreskin back and maintain a very hard erection, the result is it also it becomes more difficult to ejaculate. Also, using an ED drug like Viagra can retard ejaculation. Also using THC (Cannabis) will also slow up an ejaculation. Possibly if his partner warmed him up by caressing, etc., it might get him closer to the intensity he needs. Sexual enjoyment is a two way street where both please each other.

BDSM parties, furry conventions, piss splashdowns: one of these things is not like the others, an annoyed reader argues:

I've been a subscriber to your Savage Love column for about two years, and for the most part, I've enjoyed getting your perspective on the various inquiries you receive. But every once in a while, you say something about the furry community that strikes me as inaccurate or unintentionally misleading. Here's the most recent example: "There are two kinds of people at any big kink event (BDSM party, furry convention, piss splashdown): the people who were always kinky, i.e., people who've been aware of their kinks since puberty (and masturbating about them since puberty), and the people who fell in love with those people."

Here, you claim that a furry convention is in the same category as "big kink events" such as BDSM parties and a piss splashdowns. I don't think you mean any ill-will by this because your material is very kink-positive, but to describe a furry convention like this reinforces a tired and outdated image of the furry community that most of its members have been trying to shed for decades.

It is true that roughly 2/3 of furries are LGBT+. It is also true that furries tend to be more open to discussing sexual orientation, gender identity, and unusual kinks than ordinary people. But that does not mean that furry conventions are solely or even primarily about sex. I think the only way a person could believe that is if they had never attended a convention themselves. Sure, there are some "After Dark" meetups for people with niche kinks, and I'm sure some of those people retire to their hotel rooms with one another for some late-night friskiness. But we're talking about perhaps 5% of what's on the convention programming. What about the art tutorials, the musical performances, the writing workshops, the stand-up comedy, the dance competitions, the poker tournament, the charity auctions, and the many other panels run throughout the event? How can the event be primarily about sex when so many of the attendees have experiences that never cross the PG threshold?

If you want to keep referencing furries in your writing, then I have a challenge for you: go to a convention yourself. You live in Seattle, and they have an annual convention in that city called Anthro Northwest. (Here's the official website.) Take a day or two out of your schedule and attend that event in November. Then report on your experience to your readers. I think this will change your perception of these events and the community as a whole.

I'll see if I can't make it—but even if 95% of what went on at a furry convention was explicitly sexual, it would still be perfectly valid. (Oh, and have you been in IML? In addition to the sex parties and sex toys for sale in the Leather Market, there are workshops, fundraisers, musical performances, art auctions, etc.)

And finally, I love it when my readers help each other out...

Actually, @fakedansavage, how DO I get my longterm boyfriend to start flossing his teeth and brushing them more often than once (or less than that) a day?
— Delightfully Depressed (@holographicbrit) June 12, 2019

Tell him.

And when he doesn't listen, make it clear that it bothers you, and why.

This is coming from an unhygienic man who is often pretty oblivious to it myself.

It hurts like hell to be told, especially from someone I wanna be close to, but it's the only way to deal with it
— I'm so Dane (@Nikolaj777) June 12, 2019

The only thing I would add to "tell him" is this: "And if he doesn't listen, if he doesn't start flossing and brushing his teeth daily, break the fuck up with him."

Okay, we're going to leave it there—have a great weekend, everybody, and we'll see you Monday!