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I could use your help. A few days ago, me and my girlfriend of seven months were in bed together. I suggested we watch porn to try something new. So she puts on her favorite scene. During the scene, she says "I would fuck him" about the male performer. I asked if she really meant that and she said yes. I was shocked. She said she hates him as a person because he's a racist and a rapist but she can separate "the man from the performer." Later on at dinner, she says she's worried I will cheat on her.

It's been a few days later and I'm confused about all this. Actually, I can't stop thinking about it. Should I be upset about her comments? Should I bring up to her the fact that I'm hurt? My thinking is that if I said I wanted to fuck a female porn star, she would no-doubt compare herself to the performer and become insecure. I'd appreciate any insight.

Pensively Obsessing Right Now Over Situation

Do people routinely choose to watch porn—do people ever choose to watch porn—featuring performers they don't wanna fuck?

Look, PORNOS, watching porn together was your idea. And your girlfriend was not only down, she had her favorite porn scene cued up and ready to go... a scene featuring her deeply problematic porn fave. (I don't know about your girlfriend, PORNOS, but I watch porn to get racist fucking rapists off my screens for a few minutes.) Her comment about this male performer may have been insensitive in the most literal sense—she didn't sense that it would make you feel bad—but your girlfriend was merely articulating something you should've assumed (assuming you knew her to be a "consumer" of pornography): she watches porn featuring performers she fantasizes about fucking. That doesn't mean she actually wants to fuck that problematic/shitty porn star IRL, PORNOS. And someone fantasizing about fucking an unavailable, unobtainable, and intolerable porn star doesn't mean they can't also be concerned about their IRL boyfriend/girlfriend/enbyfriend cheating on them.

All your girlfriend is guilty of doing here is, well, something people in monogamous relationships who're mature enough to know their partners are still attracted to other people and secure enough in the relationship to know their partners aren't actually going to fuck other people: jokingly exchange "celebrity free passes" they're never gonna redeem because 1. they don't wanna cheat and 2. they're never gonna meet Brie Larson or Shawn Mendes or [insert problematic porn star's name here]. And even if some straight married schlub with a Brie Larson pass were to meet Brie Larson, PORNOS, the odds that Brie Larson would wanna fuck that straight married schlub—or that Shawn Mendes would wanna fuck his girlfriend or that [problematic porn star] would fuck your girlfriend—are less than zero.

So "I would fuck him" in reference to a porn star isn't a sign that your girlfriend, boyfriend, enbyfriend isn't attracted to you or is comparing your unfavorably to porn stars or pop stars.

All that said, PORNOS, you invited your girlfriend to watch porn with you and she assumed—incorrectly, as it turned out—that you were aware she's still attracted to other people, even if she's committed to you, and that you're comfortable with that fact. And that was a perfectly reasonable assumption on her part, PORNOS, so you're not allowed to be mad at her about it. But you're entitled to your feelings and to avoid having your feelings hurt again like this in the future, PORNOS, you're going to have to explain yourself to the girlfriend without blaming or shaming her.

I've taken the liberty to write something you can memorize or copy and paste and drop into an email...

"I learned something about myself the other night when we were watching porn together. Now I watch porn, you watch porn, watching porn together was my idea, and we both watch porn featuring performers we find attractive. Of course we do, right? But hearing you say you 'would fuck him' about that porn star made feel bad. Now I know you're not actually planning to fuck that asshole because you're never going to meet him and we're exclusive and I trust you and I know you wouldn't really wanna sleep with a racist and a rapist. Or vote for one. But in the future, if and when we do watch porn together again, can we stick to 'he's hot' or 'she's hot' or 'that's hot' instead of talking about wanting to actually fuck this or that porn star? I know 'I would fuck him' was just idle dirty/porny talk and you didn't mean to make me feel bad. But it did. I guess I'm a little more insecure than I realized. And hey, while we're processing insecurities, honey, if I've said or done anything that made you feel insecure—if something I said made you worry about me cheating on you—let me know what it was and I won't do or say that thing again."


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