He Suggested They Watch Some Porn and She Was a Little Too Enthused For His Comfort

Comments

1

When someone says "me and my girlfriend" instead of "my girlfriend and I" you know you're dealing with a self absorbed individual.

2

"Do people routinely choose to watch porn—do people ever choose to watch porn—featuring performers they don't wanna fuck?"
...yes? What a weird question.
OF COURSE people choose to watch porn sometimes featuring performers they don't wanna fuck. The act is hot, or it's fun to watch, or they're imagining themselves AS the performer not as somebody fucking the performer, or it's sexy to look at without wanting to be doing the things themselves, or whatever other reason besides "I wanna fuck the performers".

3

@1 nah.

In the era of tumbler/bdsmlr I see porn all the time with ehh people. Even clips that I like I may like more one day then find iffy the next. That's the great thing about porno, you don't have to wake up next to it 30 years later.

4

@1 - not sure that's accurate based on the information presented, but we surely know we are dealing with an LW with a poor grasp of grammar and style.

5

I'm going to assume they were watching James Deen?

6

Jesus Christ, this dude! Amiright?

@1 Nah, you're an idiot like him.

7

Good Lord men are such pathetic, sad little creatures.

8

They were watching James Deen I assume?

9

I don't know. It's one thing to say... blah blah blah is hot, or fuckable, etc. but imo saying 'I would fuck person X' without any '...as a fantasy...' qualifier is going farther than that and far enough that many partners would be uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn't say that to my wife. I'll say about someone that she's super hot or something like that, but I wouldn't say 'I would fuck her.' And I know that she would do the same for me. It's just polite.

10

@8: jinx, you owe me a coke.

11

Good Lord men are such pathetic, sad little creatures.

12

She wants to be fucked like the guy in the video fucks. That is why she had a porn ready to go when you asked. Then she said the guy was a piece of shit (you don't have anything to worry about) but she would fuck him because she can separate the man from the performer. Meaning she wants that performance. If I had to guess it wasn't really your idea to watch porn. You might have been the one to suggest it, but why did you suggest it? Was it something she may have hinted at to make you feel comfortable suggesting it? My advice would be to watch other porns the guy is in and try to emulate that. Like others have said it sounds like James Deen. Your girlfriend is probably trying to tell you she wants rougher sex. Of course I am a random stranger on an internet message board, so talk to her before you try to reenact his porns.

13

@11: jinx, you owe yourself @7 a coke.

14

ah yes, the celebrity hall pass. my wife says if salma hayek ever hits on me i can say yes. to dream the impossible dream....

15

Has anyone addressed the lw's girlfriend's concern that he will cheat on her? Their watching porn together has dislodged the misconception, the presumption of wishful thinking, that they are only attracted to each other. She has now told him she has desires that aren't necessarily in alignment with her ordinary sense of morality or her political consciousness. It seems she is beginning to acknowledge that he has these kind of desires, too; or maybe her fear he will cheat derives from a belief that she has devalued herself in her bf's eyes by avowing her desires, so that, in some way, he may believe he has a pass to be merely sexual in turn and run to infidelity.

I would think he should have a conversation with her about this. He could just say that he isn't planning on cheating on her--supposing he isn't, supposing he's happy in a monogamous relationship; that of course the law of desire is not that of liberal right-thinking ... but, perhaps (I'd say he can allow himself this) he might not be able to get the fact that a pornstar is an irl rapist out of his head in watching them fuck. Then of course he should listen to her. If he's disturbed by her having sheerly sexual desires, he should just try to get over it. It's possible that their watching porn will be good for them working out how they think of sex and what kind of sex life they want.

16

@2 Ankylosaurus I read that and thought, don't tell me I'm the only one! I wouldn't actually have sex with anyone besides my husband. Not even Chris Hemsworth, who's my celebrity pass. But I have been known to watch porn from time to time regardless.

I do, however, think that watching a rapist is morally problematic.

17

@15 Yes, Dan totally brushed by that. In my opinion, it's by far the more insecurity-inducing comment. As we all know by now, cheaters suspect others of being cheaters.

The idea that she wants to fuck other people - really fuck other people, not just fantasize about a dirtbag - may have now started forming in earnest in her subconscious, causing that little bit of projection to burble up.

18

Oh raindrop, that is true.

19

Ffs, is this for real. Men don’t look at porn stars and think they’d like to fuck them? This woman is talking about his body, not his politics.
Relax LW, and yes, tell her who the porn stars you’d like to fuck are, and whatever else follows on from that conversation.
Porn is watching people have sex, all she’s saying is she likes the look of having sex with the guy in the porn. It’s called Fantasy.

20

I liked Dan's answer and his proposed script a lot. All humans have insecurities and I think we'd all benefit from getting better at admitting that we have them, talking about them, acknowledging them for what they are (ie insecurities, not crises), and taking responsibility for not letting them become crises (ie not letting them control us or our partners).

21

"Do people routinely choose to watch porn—do people ever choose to watch porn—featuring performers they don't wanna fuck?"
Yes.

22

"My thinking is that if I said I wanted to fuck a female porn star, she would no-doubt compare herself to the performer and become insecure. I'd appreciate any insight."

I have some insight: that's both common and utterly unreasonable. Very few people are in relationships with people who are their literal physical ideal, because our physical ideals - again, LITERAL IDEAL - are so restrictive and specific that few-to-no real people actually meet them. As a corollary, there is likely to be some specific person (or even several persons, or a whole lot of them) out there who are more physically attractive than one's actual partner, for nearly every person who has a partner. Reasonable people and/or people who want to be in long-term relationships realize that there are dozens or hundreds of reasons that their partners have opted to partner with them rather than those other people, and thus tend to not obsess over the idea that others might be sexier to their partners than they themselves are.

THAT SAID, per philosophy @9, that's a poor choice of words. "Would" is conditional, and one can be kind and assume the condition "if I didn't have a monogamous commitment with you" applies, but I can see how insecure anxiety twists that to "if I had the opportunity." I have some sympathy for PORNOS, and Dan's script is a great way to communicate what's up - to PORNOS and the girlfriend.

23

I think they should both move to Togo. Just for the heck of it.

24

LW, I think you are projecting.. saying she might compare herself to any Porn Star you might fancy. Is that what you’re doing, and why you’re upset?
How old are you guys..
Letter from a man who thinks girl is racist because she fancies black men, and now you getting upset about your gf’s fantasy.
Perhaps you two are not ready to watch porn together, to try something new. What about walking in the bush, and take a picnic.
A million things you could do, as a new thing to try.

25

And what was the porn you two were watching, LW, if she liked a rapist/ racist? Sounds like ugly porn.
Check the weekly thread this week, there
are porn sites referenced which sound less suspect.
You could view better porn together.
Won’t mean she or you won’t fancy the
Stars any less, at least they won’t be rapists/ racists. Better class of fantasy figures, I would assume.
Jealousy is a curse, and has nothing to do with love and caring for the other person.
She’s a healthy sexual being, being honest with her guy. She’s with you, so what’s the problem.

26

PORNOS, sex is a very base physiological activity which allows one's id to be unleashed. As a result, people say things during sex that may have some element of TRUTH, but may simply be thoughts or ideas untethered to actual desires. Moreover, our id is not the self-critical and moralizing parts of our psyche, so we are not aware that the dark, raw sexual things we say may be hurtful.

While you and Ms. PORNOS were watching scenes of consensual non-consent and BDSM* you were engaged sexually, and what popped out of her mouth was something honest: your girlfriend would enjoy being fucked by that performer. But those words were out of her mouth long before she could have given any thought to your reaction. Importantly, her id expressing a desire for someone sexually while being given free-rein, doesn't mean much if you know she (like most healthy, well-balanced adults) doesn't impulsively act on all her desires, including thinking with her pussy.

I believe that sex is most open and uninhibited when sex partners can feel like they will not be criticized for the things they say during sex. Obviously, there are limits here, someone should not have to hear about fantasies or things that are a turnoff, but a comment like Ms. Pornos made should be ignored. Of course, Ms. Pornos should give you the very same courtesy, to acknowledge those porn stars whom you would enjoy fucking, and the next time you two watch porn together, if Ms. Pornos feels free about her desires, express your own. As for her comment on your cheating. I would raise that, and inquire why that concern surfaced.

Lastly, if you and your Ms. Pornos have not engaged in the kind of rough sex that you now know arouses her, if I were you, I would invest my energies on a conversation about the kind of sex she would enjoy with you.

*Like others before me, I agree the video in question involved James Deen and involved rough sex, consensual non-consent, and/or BDSM.

27

You left out Racist, SA.
Good comment, the animal unleashed during sex is very different to the one driving their car to work.

28

Why do I feel like you're talking about James Deen, LW? (And was he ever even charged and/or convicted...?) Not surprising that she's into him; they call him the "Ryan Gosling of porn" or whatever for a reason.

I think the real red flag is that she would have no problem having sex with a racist or a rapist because she thinks he's hot. That she can "seperate the performer from the person" and that she would honestly fuck him, given the chance, says to me that her superficial needs outweigh her emotional ones.

Fuckin' RUN.

29

James Deen is innocent until proven guilty.

30

I get the impression that the girlfriend was probably voicing her thoughts about the porn actor as a way of trying to process (maybe with the boyfriend's help) her complicated feelings on him.

And I get the impression that the boyfriend somehow thought just showing her some porn would get her worked up enough to fuck him, and that didn't quite pan out the way she hoped.

I'm not sure this relationship is going to work out long enough for this to be a major issue for much longer.

31

Is James Deen a known racist though? I heard about the rape and assault allegations, but nothing about his supposed racism. But I don't really follow social media, so may have missed it. Google search didn't return anything damning on this account.

32

Philo @9, I think traditional notions of politeness and etiquette go out the window when you suggest watching porn together. Like Dan said, it was reasonable for the girlfriend to think that would include sharing examples of who each of them found hypothetically fuckable. Perhaps because he interpreted her "I would fuck him" in theory comment as reality, she projected that interpretation as meaning HE is open to fucking other people in reality, should the opportunity arise.

Sublime @26, great post. Lava, I agree they sound young. PORNOS, let this be a warning that "let's watch porn together" is a Pandora's box. If you can't handle that window into your partner's fantasies, leave the window shut.

33

@31, just got off work and googled it; he might not even be the one in question. From what I've read, he's actually actively called out people on racism in the industry.

I just wonder if this "it's okay to fantasize about rapists and bad people because it's only fantasy" extends to everyone, and how far does it go. What if the person in question that she's fantasizing about was Luka Magnotta of "1 Lunatic, 1 Ice pick" fame? Would that change anything? I just don't think it's in anyway healthy or acceptable to rationalize desiring to fuck someone you believe to be a rapist, and I mean...it's not like there are people who don't, and wouldn't, and haven't. Maybe I'm biased, but it's a horrid thought.

Like... I get what you all are saying, but it's most definitely red flag thinking at the VERY least.

34

Dan’s answer gives me some insight into why I don’t watch porn. I’ve never been one to have celebrity fantasies or even fantasies about any specific person.
so I am intrigued... do most people lust after the people they see in porn? Despite not regularly watching, I’ve seen some... mostly on in the background at a club or gay bar... and while it’s occasinally interesting, I’ve never seen a porn performer I would want to fuck. I did not know that was a thing. (Maybe the type of porn I’ve seen doesn’t induce this? Mostly weird German bdsm or “lesbian” made for men crap; I once liked some gay male bear porn but mostly just because it seemed realistic and like the guys were having fun.)
I am appalled that someone has taken the name of James Dean in vain. I’ve never heard of this Deen dude...

35

@34, Squidgie, I don't usually comment this much, but you just made me realize I can't relate, either. I've never looked at a porn performer and wanted them, and I'm a big fan of porn...straight, gay, and everything kinky and in between (including REALLY rough stuff, as long as I feel safe that it's consensual, I can't support it if it's not)... but weirdly just enjoy it all voyeuristically, and I'm a straight, cisgender female in a monogamous relationship.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, used to be REAL into Sasha Grey. Probably still is, even if he can't admit it, and I don't blame him, she's something to see. But I've never had that moment where I wanted them-- or her-- for myself.

36

Just as I formerly rooted against any caller to Dr Schlessinger whose first sentence's subject was, "Me and my husband," I decided against LW as soon as I saw that fatal phrase.

37

I want to know more about the girlfriend's concern that LW will cheat. How did that even come up? We have no information, only a lone sentence in a letter that's otherwise about LW's insecurities.

38

I agree with @37 that the "I'm worried you'll cheat on me" is probably an entirely different issue and requires an entirely separate conversation.

Also, gee, Dan, you're watching porn wrong! How I do it is I put on the porn, and it's my partner's job to keep up a steady stream of "oh you are so much hotter than that actor on the screen - no totally!"

39

@17. Gentle Hate. I didn't see any suggestion in the letter that she was thinking of going behind his back.

@34. squidgie. I think people's headset varies watching porn--even the same person's, from time to time. Sometimes I just want to see something primally sexual for purposes of release. Sometimes I want to be titivated, thinking something hot, strange or interestingly compromising is happening to the people in the film (or that they are actively doing something hot and so on). Sometimes I imagine I am a participant, either an active or a passive party to the sex they're having. It's relatively rare for me to think, 'I'd like to fuck that performer'. But sometimes, yes.

@27. Lava. The animal released driving to work! Glad I live in a city of cyclists...

@37. Malevolent Al. I can see the cheating comment and the porn watching as connected. They've admitted they can both be impersonally sexual--horny--for the first time. The thought has gone through her mind, 'will he cheat? Is he concerned I'll cheat?' Or 'does nakedly lusting mean I could cheat?'

40

@39 the comment "I'm worried you'll cheat," apropos of nothing else, suggests the thought of doing so is somewhere in her mind, rather than his. She was the more enthusiastic participant in their little experiment - I can't see how that could trigger any direct suspicion of him.

Of course, I have been on the receiving end of plenty of projection, so that perhaps affects my judgement. With so little to go on, we tend to fill in the details of the letter writers' lives with our personal histories.

41

Both LW and GF seem to be a bundle of insecurities condensed into a one paragraph letter. Where the heck the “worried you will cheat” comment came from, we can never know, but I’d say maybe there was something behind that, so the two of you need to have a serious conversation about it. As for LW’s reaction to her TOTALLY NORMAL AND APPROPRIATE comment while watching a film of other people fucking, I say, “Good god, LW, get over yourself! REJOICE that you’ve got a woman who A) wants to watch porn with you and, B) feels comfortable enough to share a tiny little bit of her fantasy with you.” If you are as young as you sound, and even if you’re not, Learn this lesson fast. Insecurity will doom a relationship faster than anything. And, if you can’t feel free enough to be honest with each other and NOT flip out when your partner says some innocuous comment, better keep your separate apartments, you’re gonna need ‘em sooner rather than later.

42

@11 i know, women at least hold the line at masturbating to get uncomfortable with their partner's sexuality

43

My preferred porn is pretty exclusively gay male, so even though my problematic fave is on my 'would fuck' list, I don't think I'd meet his requirements. Not that it matters much, since he seems to have been blacklisted for his views and I don't see so much of him these days. Still enjoy watching him in action, though.

44

The cyclist is an animal as well Harriet, all humans are.
Watching porn, seeing different performers and how they are having sex, it’s that part of them only, on display. The animal response in the woman, to him fucking, by passes intellectual judgement.
If they were sitting having coffee and he came out with racist or sexist attitudes, her response would be very different.

45

@40. Gentle Hate. Once someone has admitted they'd like to have sex outside of a relationship and without any emotional commitment, they've opened their mind to the possibility they could cheat. (But this could be just a fantasy--not something they actually want to do, or a temptation they could easily resist). PORNOS and his gf are in this position. Her fears should be easy to him to defuse: 'Do you think I'll cheat just because I'm capable of feeling raw lust? No; I value our monogamy and don't want to hurt you'. If he's worried about her cheating, he should ask her whether she has slept with someone else, whether she wants to, whether she thinks it's wrong--and so on.

Sublime @26, Bi @32 and Donny @41 are all level-headed and compassionate about understanding the unreconstructed nature of horniness and managing jealousy. On the question of why people cheat, it's obviously for a a variety of reasons, and they're being weak and suffering a lapse is a big part of it; but I'd think couples not being able to be frank and negotiate explicit boundaries will be one contributory factor.

46

@44. Lava. I agree with you about sex (bypassing rationality, beyond a certain point) and about cycling, too, probably. Thankfully the cyclist's impulsiveness isn't that big a danger to anyone else.

47

Knowing the names of pornstars must be a straight thing. However, I'd expect to be shot down for this: there will probably be gays with places in their memory palaces lovingly burnished (I'd say) and adorned with the handles (huh-hmm; Iron Mike, Emphatic Clint) of their favorite porn performers.

48

Donny @41, the omnipotent comment god earns his moniker yet again.

Some snobs here. Mr "Me and my girlfriend" may not have a college or even high school education but that does not mean he has no emotions or that they don't deserve the same sympathy as anyone else's.

49

pollyc @28/33

I dunno, as a kinky person, my view is that people fantasise about all sorts of weird, fucked-up shit, and it doesn't make them bad or immoral, in and of itself. It's not something we choose. As long as everyone can draw a clear line between their "problematic" sexual fantasies and their politics, I'm OK with that.

When the LW's GF said she could separate "the man from the performer", I don't think the she was "rationalising" her attraction (because it's not rational) - more drawing a distinction between her logical/ethical brain and her lizard brain. In the same way, I can still watch Pirates of the Caribbean and find Captain Jack Sparrow sexy, even though I think Johnny Depp is a garbage person. I find it way more problematic when people can't separate the man (or woman) from the performer, and feel compelled to deny or minimise their "problematic fave's" real-life shitty behaviour. Since the GF openly called the porn actor "a rapist and a racist", I don't think it's the case here.

With someone like Luka Magnotta, who is ~primarily~ known for being a murderer, I think the situation is a bit different. People who fantasise about famous murderers usually (though not always) fancy them ~because~ they're murderers, not in spite of it. If my partner admitted to such a crush, it still won't necessarily be a dealbreaker or a red flag for me, but I would definitely want to have a longer conversation about the nature of their fantasies, and what they made of them.

51

I wonder if the concerns about cheating are related at all to the porn incident. Could be two totally different conversations about different subjects that the LW has linked. There's quite a bit of context for the girlfriend's totally normal comments about the porn star (which the boyfriend needs to get the fuck over- he's thinking about it days later? OMG). But there is no context at all for the "later on at dinner..." part. Why did she say this? What is she worried about? Are we just talking about two jealous and insecure individuals? Or did something lead up to her saying she was worried about him cheating? Like- what was the context for that conversation? Was it an opening to talk about a nonmonogamous relationship? Or is the girlfriend just being insecure also? Or did the boyfriend mention something that made her think he will cheat, etc?

Letters like these don't really hold my interest because there is no context for anything- we have no idea what's going on with this couple.

52

Also the fact that she says she can separate the performer from the man means she would literally fuck James Deen the performer, not James Deen the racist rapist. That's what she's separating.

Does this make sense in real life? Like say, if she were to meet Deen in real life, could she separate the performer from the man? No. Does this matter? No. Fantasies are not rational, sexuality is not rational, and unless you are in a situation in which she is likely to meet and fuck James Deen in real life, get the fuck over it and stop thinking about it. What you are frustrated about is that it's not rational in your mind- like you are asking her "FOR REALZ?" and she's all "YES FOR REALZ" and this troubles you because you want her to be all "Nah, baby, it's just a fantasy and in real life he's problematic and you are my one and only"- just stop it. Don't spoil the fun. Don't ask people to pull their fantasies out and examine them in the rational light of day. Instead, consider their real life actions (not their words to describe their fantasies) and then do whatever it was that Deen was doing in the porn she had all queued up. (Use your words of course).

Emotions and actions are different things. She's telling you how she FEELS and you are asking her how she'd ACT. She's responding by telling you how she feels she would act. Since this scenario is unlikely to ever happen -and if it did by some bizarre twist of fate, it would not in reality be the way it is in her fantasy and therefore she'd feel different and act different in any number of totally unpredictable ways- then you are being really stupid by focusing on the hypothetical and never-gonna-happen ACTIONS rather than the extremely real and right in front of you horny FEELINGS.

The second thing- that she's worried about you cheating- nobody can respond to that without more info, but I have no fucking idea what that has to do with her craving James Deen unless she's likewise worried that you are going to fuck a porn star in which case you guys both deserve each other and should purchase each other chastity belts and install tracking devices on one another's cars.

53

Also just an aside, I don't really like Deen, but he's the first straight dude porn star celeb that had wide appeal with straight women that I can think of. This is probably wrong and there were others before him, but I can't think of any right now. And what a shame that he had to go and be a rapist. Like, why can't we have nice things?

@43 and @50 if you are talking about my fellow Houston native tankie who voted Trump, then his views are more naive and self-absorbed than intentionally harmful. He spends too much time in his head and he's too old for that shit but he's a nice person who actually cares about things and just has stupid views that he thinks are strategic in the long term. Not at all in the same category as James Deen, IMO. If you are talking about someone else, then my bad.

Any women have any current suggestions? Who has replaced Deen?

54

Cocky @50 and EL @53, yes, I imagine we mean the same person. And while I know that he didn't have any malicious intent, that really doesn't excuse his stupidity. Such a shame that his career seems to have suffered for it. Especially after he went all 'mountain man' with the beard and such.

55

Fan @48, is it snobbery, not sure it is. Putting self first in a sentence points to attitude, however unthought thru it might be.

56

EmmaLiz @51-@52, great posts. I can't add more.

57

@54 Sanguisuga Oh yes, agreed. Actions have consequences and his include losing his career which seems fair enough to me. I was just trying to make it easier to overlook this in your fantasies!

58

Lava @55: I disagree. It's just incorrect grammar. At worst it sounds childish, which seems fitting as this LW seems young and naive to me.
Has Paul Simon got "attitude"? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6VrKro8djw

59

I wonder if putting yourself first or using me when you are supposed to use I (or vice versa as an overcorrection) is regional? Do people do this in the UK or Australia?

In the US, it is extremely common to the point of being a colloquialism and has nothing to do with being selfish. It's often a regional or class indicator- most people have to learn not to use it in school. I assume people with college educated parents who grow up in neighborhoods like that maybe don't have to unlearn this, but basically everyone else has to learn that it's incorrect- the colloquial usage is to say "Bobby and me" or "Me and Bobby" as the subject. "Bobby and I" is also common and technically correct, but the speaker has communicated successfully in all three cases (you understand them), so unless you are in a context in which it makes sense for you to correct their grammar, it's better to respond to the meaning. We have no idea if a person who uses a technically incorrect colloquialism is self-absorbed or not, but I could make a pretty good case that a person who corrects someone else's grammar unnecessarily is either petty or snobbish.

60

Also I wouldn't make too many assumptions about the guy's education. Plenty of people code switch on the regular. Writing a sex/relationship advice columnist online is a perfectly appropriate context to use a more casual register.

61

The problem with the "they're with you, so what's the problem" response (which is a common one) is that almost everyone has been with someone else (and if they haven't they likely will in the future), so being with you now is no guarantee that they'll stay with you. Inertia isn't enough.

It's normal for people to be attracted to other people even when they're in relationships, and anyone who wants a healthy, stable relationship would benefit from being able to recognize and accept that fact; your partner being attracted to other people (inevitable) doesn't mean that they're going to act on it (voluntary). But in order to feel secure in a relationship you need to feel confident that your partner has chosen to be with you rather than their other options because they value what you have to offer (or that if they don't, other people will). If you don't feel confident about your partner's attachment to you, it could mean that you're fundamentally lacking in self-confidence, or it could mean that they're not giving you the kind of positive feedback that builds confidence in a relationship. There's a big difference between "I would totally fuck that person" and "I am turned on by the thought of fucking that person (or someone who looks like them) but I am also very turned on by fucking you, so you have nothing to worry about." There's also a big difference between "I got carried away and admitted that I have terrible judgment when I'm sexually attracted to someone" versus "I'm really turned on by the fantasy of fucking that person in the porn (but when I'm not in the heat of the moment I'm well aware that they're a piece of shit I would have nothing to do with."

62

Chase, all that's true, but a couple things... #1- if you suggest that your partner watch porn with you- literally watching attractive people fuck for the purpose of turning you on and you getting off- I think it's common sense that you can't afterwards complain if they express the fact that those people turn them on and they like to think about fucking them.

Like, if she'd said this out of nowhere about Thor after they saw Avengers, OK I can see that he might have reason to feel insecure. Or especially if they were just sitting on the beach and she says such a thing about a surfer they happen to see. But he's the one that brought up watching sexy people fuck, so it seems weird to get upset that she says she wants to fuck the sexy people that he suggests they watch fucking.

Context is everything here, and I don't think you get to police the way people express their fantasies and their lusts. Best he can do, if this really bothers him, is to ask her not to comment around him on other men she'd like to fuck in the future (which is fair enough), and that will include not suggesting that they together watch those same sexy men fuck. Like, I suppose he could say "I want to set limits on how you express your enjoyment of the fantasy I suggest we share together". It's his relationship and he has every right to say that, but loads of people will find this unreasonable.

More importantly, though- it's already been said. She's already told him she feels this way. There's no stuffing the cat back in the bag. He seems upset that she feels this way rather than just being upset that she said it. He can't change the way she feels. It causes him distress, and really it's up to him to decide how to act about it.

2- and much simpler,

"But in order to feel secure in a relationship you need to feel confident that your partner has chosen to be with you rather than their other options because they value what you have to offer (or that if they don't, other people will). If you don't feel confident about your partner's attachment to you, it could mean that you're fundamentally lacking in self-confidence, or it could mean that they're not giving you the kind of positive feedback that builds confidence in a relationship."

This is a true statement but not really relevant to the situation. Your partner choosing to be with you does not mean that they don't want to fuck other people and it also does not necessarily mean that they don't fuck other people on the side or that they wouldn't fuck certain other people if given the opportunity. And while I agree that not telling someone how and why you are attracted to them could lead to insecurity, the LW doesn't say that's the case here. You can tell someone how attracted they are and likewise tell them how attracted they are to other people- the two do not cancel one another out. I think maybe it's a good idea for them to have a chat about what sort of relationship they want / need to have in order to feel secure, but if it's one that requires no expression of perfectly natural desires to fuck other people then again (looping back full circle) they probably shouldn't watch other people fuck together.

If you tell someone a joke, you can't really complain about how their laugher sounds. If you don't like someone's laughter, you need to be with someone else or else avoid funny situations when you are with them.

63

I find certain Republican politicians, bad boy CW stars, and terrible men of Tinder hot, and it's not like my sexuality is worried if they're pROblEmATiC. I'm not a big consumer though.

64

@62: I think you missed my point. The LW didn't give enough context to know whether she said something thoughtless and inconsiderate or whether she was open and honest and he took it badly (my guess is the latter, but it doesn't matter). The way for him to figure that out is not to tell himself "well, she's having sex with me, so it's all good", nor is it to say "well, we were watching porn so what did I expect". And hopefully it’s not “well, we just shouldn’t watch porn together or talk about sex”. She didn't just say that she liked thinking about fucking Mr. X, but that she would fuck him and that she meant that, so there's something to clear up there.

The missing information is how does she treat him? Does she express affection and attraction for him? Does she reassure him when he's doubting himself? Does she pay attention to his feelings and try to be considerate? If so, then he's making a big deal out of nothing and needs to take responsibility for his own insecurity before he scares her off. But it's also possible that his reaction isn't just his own insecurity getting out of control but due to him picking up on a lack of affection, some inattentiveness from her. Is her fear of him cheating due to projection, or a sign that she trusts him enough to be vulnerable with him? Again, we don't know enough to say. It's also possible that they want different kinds of relationships and have unstated expectations for each other.

He needs to have a conversation with her where he explains how he's been feeling without blaming her or making it her responsibility (he needs to say “you didn’t do anything wrong, but I started worrying…”), and asks her to clarify how she feels about him, and is honest about what he wants from her now.

Maybe she’s not that into him and the relationship is about to expire, maybe she’s totally into him and he just needs to hear it from her, or hear it in a different way, or maybe she’s totally into him and he’s bringing old baggage into the relationship and assuming the worst and he has some homework to do. The first step is to figure out which of those is the case. It's possible that this whole experience is the beginning of the unraveling of their relationship, or it could be a way for them to understand each other better and improve their communication.

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(to be clear: "I would fuck Mr X and I mean that" most likely meant "I would gladly fuck someone who looked just like that, under the right circumstances", and that doesn't need to be a problem unless it exposes fundamental insecurity on his part or a lack of empathy on hers).