This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: Her boyfriend isn't using condoms with other men and she's not okay with that. His wife needs clitoral stimulation in order to come and he's not okay with that. He already came out as a trans gay man and now he wants to physically transition to male but his husband isn't okay with that. His girlfriend told him she'd so totally fuck a particular (and particularly problematic) porn star and he's not okay with that.
And, as always, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

First up, two guys from liberal backgrounds (the LW and the columnist) need to do better...

"I’m a man from a very liberal background. Recently, a girl I started dating..." Fuck no. Either this person is a pedophile (or ephebophile or WHATEVER) or this MAN is dating a WOMAN. Not a GIRL, a WOMAN. Yes, "girlfriend" is fine, Dan, because "boyfriend" is also common usage. Using "girl" when you're using "boy" is probably mostly fine in general. But in a case like this... FUICK OFF. To all the "very liberal" cismen out there: stop calling grown-ass women "girls." It's offensive, belittling, misogynist bullshit. Men, do better. And you, Dan, need to do better at telling men to do better!

I recently warned a Black reader about a risk he was doubtless already aware of and another reader—I'm guessing a white one—isn't having it:

Ur stupid comment that cops are always "looking for an excuse to arrest or harass a Black man" is another cringe bullshit all encompassing stereotype of the white racist cop. U put them under all one umbrella... shame on you... this comment further promotes unwarranted hate for all cops... a young black kid reading this... just adds to an already hateful tension between the two.

Hmm... I'm guessing this widely-publicized and completely outrageous story about some shitty racist cops looking for any excuse to arrest a Black man created a lot more tension between cops and Black communities than my column ever could.

We recently discussed whether "guys" is a gender-neutral term on the podcast...

@fakedansavage re: “guys” as gender neutral. It’s not. Just ask some straight dude about the “guys” he’s dating. Some will protest, or at the least correct you. Until you can ask a random man from Alabama about the guy he’s married to without fear, it’s a gendered term.
— Calamity Jan (@VJGoh) July 7, 2019

Regarding the Lovecast caller who didn't know what to tell new romantic prospects about the awful family she no longer speaks to...

This is a response to the woman in Savage Lovecast Episode 663 who sought advice on how to address her no-contact-with-abusive-family while dating. My situation is similar in that the topic of my family is a Conversation Landmine, and some people might see it as a red flag while dating. There is nothing wrong with her telling the only-child-dead-parents lie to anyone she doesn't feel comfortable with, but in my experience, when starting a relationship that has the potential for long-term intimacy, it is better to tell the truth, but not the WHOLE truth. Her summary of the situation was fine, and this is coming from a mid-30s, "professional," straight dude.

If I were her I'd say this: "My relationship with my family is complicated. I left home at 16 and I've chosen to stay no-contact ever since." Then I'd pause to let the other person speak. 9 times out of 10 they'll offer a sympathetic gesture. If they ask for details you're not willing to share, say "I don't mind talking about that with the people I'm close with, it just takes time for me to get there." Either way, that topic is be closed, and then I'd pivot to asking my date more about her family, or another relevant topic. Most people enjoy talking about themselves and won't notice how you redirected the conversation. For me, starting that way makes it easier to become closer as a relationship develops. At the same time, I feel no guilt lying when I make small talk with Randoms.

An unpleasant past isn't a red flag: the REAL red flag is showing your date that you don't know how to meet new people without making them feel uncomfortable. That means acting as if common conversation topics are off limits, or displaying signs of rage. It doesn't matter if your rage is justified, or if it is only noticeable from your tone or phrasing. An honest, appropriately vague answer, delivered in a matter-of-fact tone shows him you're someone he can feel safe introducing to the important people in his life, and someone he can feel safe being vulnerable with. He might not notice it, but his brain will.

We spoke about straight people using using the f-word ("faggot") and decided it wasn't okay but another listener is wondering the f-suffix...

Follow up question in regards to straight people using the word fag. I'm actually a bisexual female, but I function mostly is straight. I have lots of gay friends and they call me their fag hag. Is it still a bad idea for me to call myself a fag hag? Thank you, I love listening to your podcast. You've changed my life.

So long as it's used affectionately and ironically and so long as the term is embraced by the user and so long as it isn't tossed around in front of strangers and so long it isn't used as an insult, I don't have any problem with your use of fag hag.

Regarding my response to Come As You Are...

I have noticed on more than one occasion, that you tend to attribute a partners closed eyes to either lack of attraction to their partner, or because they are fantasizing. I can tell you from experience that that is not the only reason for it. I have a very difficult time getting aroused, and when I do, it is pretty tenuous, and can be ruined by the errant thoughts going through my brain. I am also a pretty stressed person with a ton of errant thoughts drifting in and out of my brain at any given moment. When I close my eyes during sex it is mostly because I am trying to block out everything and just focus on the physical sensation. Otherwise, my mind might grab on any number of things that come into my field of vision. For example, I see a snag in the blanket out of the corner of my eye, which makes me think I need to clip the cats nails, which makes me think me think about whether she's trapped outside the room, which makes me wonder if there is anyone outside the room who can here us. And now the mood is blown because I am worrying about whether our roommates can hear. That is just an example of how it can snowball. So in my case, closing my eyes helps me clear my head and be in the moment. I am as attracted to my partner as I am to anyone, but I am not particularly visually stimulated, and never have been, so his beautiful naked body is just not enough to distract me from the overpowering white noise of my own thoughts. And, I am not not fantasizing about anything else, because I am trying very hard not to think at all and just feel my body's response. Anyway, I just wanted to let you (and possibly your readers if you decide to publish this) know that. I know my partner sometimes worries that they aren't attractive to me because of it, so I want other people who may be feeling the same insecurity to know that it may not be anything they are doing wrong.

And...

TK

You said this to the guy who doesn't like how his wife gets off: "4. Your wife is fantasizing about something when she closes her eyes and starts rubbing her clit." I wholeheartedly don't believe you can assume this! I also close my eyes when I come. It is not because I'm fantasizing or escaping. It is because blocking out visual stimuli makes the orgasm more intense! I am fully present in my body, in my sensations, and maybe my visual cortex gets flooded with different input. The world of the visual and the narrative absolutely fade away and I am pure sensation. Men don't generally understand this, but I was quite surprised to hear from you the suggestion that she must be fantasizing! No! Women don't always need that! Sometimes we are simply all present sensation.

A recent Lovecast guest expert has fans out there:

I always love hearing @Earlytobed on the #savagelovecast!
— Rebecca Kling (@RebeccaKling) July 6, 2019

Some bonus advice for PSA...

To the 57-year-old dude taking ED meds (special shout out for the Robyn reference, Dan!): DO CARDIO. I’m a single hetero cis female in my early 60s, and limp guys are the bane of my existence. In my adventures of the last few years, more than one man has told me that regular cardio workouts keep the hydraulic systems in order. Likely some penis owners/operators are lucky and don’t need to keep up their cardiac fitness in order to get and stay hard. But for everyone else, aerobic fitness maintains blood flow—to lots of important places!

Another possible fix—short of DTMFA—for SAFER, the woman whose promiscuous bi trans male partner isn't using condoms with random men:

Communication and compatibility issues aside, she could just make him use a condom with HER.

And finally...

I like you Dan. That’s despite the fact you’re wrong about almost everything. Which is quite the compliment, if you really think about it. I’d be flattered if I were you. 👍
— Dominic (@Meridian808) July 11, 2019

Okay! We're going to leave it there! I hope everybody has a great weekend and we'll see you Monday!