Anal: It Might Be a Nice Place to Visit But Does She Want To Live There?

Comments

1

You have some options.

1 If you really don't want to have anal tell him. And don't.

2 Trade. Buy a dildo at least as large as his dick and fuck his ass everytime he fucks yours. That will give him some perspective. Be sure to get the kind that stimulates your special bits as you use it. have fun.

(btw he is really into anal because he is really into porn. which gives him a very distorted view of real world intimate relations. you might want to have a talk about that with him.)

2

I'm all for going slow. I was interesting in anal long before my wife was. We took years getting there, and now SHE is the one that asks for it not me. And yes, I was and still am game for her turning the tables on me, which she probably does more often than receiving from me. She is kind of a dom that way. Either way it is a win win.

So as Dan says, "there are lots of people out there who enjoy anal...not because it was something they always wanted to do, but because their partners' interest sparked their own.

3

FI, your letter suggests that your husband only recently broached the subject of having anal sex. There could be any number of reasons why he only was able to verbalize his interest to you at this point in your relationship, none of which have to do with your post-childbirth vaginal tightness. He may have assumed you would say no, or didn't really know how to ask for something sexual that was not already on the menu.

Anal still maintains a taboo status, so it probably feel incredibly erotic for him to engage with you in this way. But the odds that he will be uninterested in having vaginal sex with you once you have started having anal sex are really slim to none, even if having anal sex with some regularity would appeal to him.

By all means feel free to set some expectations now about how often you might be willing to have anal sex, if you are able to get there at all, but at least express this as your concern, rather than an accusation. You might also want to ask and share any other sexual fantasies that you both might be open to trying.

4

@1 Your last, parenthesized sentence is complete nonsense. People can be into all sorts of things without being influenced by porn.

FI, a word about vaginas from someone who enjoys them and also enjoys anal. Post-childbirth vaginas are not much different than pre-childbirth vaginas, and the small differences are usually an improvement. Tightness is good for wanking, but a vagina that is plumped and wet from its owner being turned on, is a much better sexual experience. Make sure you're really getting turned on!

Anal is a different experience. For me, it's a transgression (yay!), and a dominant/dominating activity (yay!). Every last woman I've introduced to anal has loved it. And I doubt very much your husband will want it all of the time. That would just be boring. But like Dan said, use your words. And good luck with it!

5

Hey LW,

You will find lots of examples of men who say women “love it” after being exposed to it- and I’m sure that’s somewhat true, but there are plenty of partners who love to please, and once they realize anal isn’t so bad they “love it” in that they love their partner’s enthusiasm and the feeling of being able to get him off so hard (if it’s a thing for him.)

My husband would describe me as “loving anal” now. In total reality I was much more like you. Wary, nervous for what it would mean for our vaginal sex life etc. fast forward several years into our anal having play- and it’s fine. I love how much he loves it, it makes me feel wanted and sexy and dirty and all those things. I’m used to the physical sensations enough now to find it at best- enjoyableish in moments (not whole sessions) but not painful or uncomfortable generally. (Husband also has a huge cock).

So don’t overly worry, use your words, know he will love both. In my experience, doing it actually reduced the “forbidden fruit” aspect of my husband’s interest, so I actually felt less pressure and less threatened-on-behalf-of-my-Vagina once we started having regular, occasional anal. We do it twice a month under the best circumstances, and one every month or two under the worst. It’s a lot of prep and energy so I still don’t get how gay dudes do it often. Once every couple weeks seems to work for both of us and he’s never lacked interest in my pussy since. Good luck, either way you’re a great sport and this will be good for the health of your sex life in the long run!

6

How long until anal comes as "standard" as oral?

7

@6 Anal is pretty much a "default" with teenagers. Sure not all; a few years ago I talked to a few ladies in their early twenties and it opened my eyes at how fast things changed.

As far as anal only being her future; provided he's a considerate it might not matter to you I don't see a problem. Some couples are into swapping in and out of the vagina and into the butt.

Some people argue this is unsafe and dirty this is their lack of understanding and an an overactive imagination.

Sure if he pulls out and he's got some poo on the tip you don't want him ramming it into your cervix; men (and women) have gone ass to mouth and not died.

Additionally you don't have to ignore your own vagina; you can throw a vibrator in or use one on the clit. Talk dirty and tell him how badly you want him in your vagina.

Use it as an opportunity

8

I'd tweak the suggestion by Good for the Gander @1.

Instead of framing it almost as retribution ("at least as large as his dick"), I would talk about Mr. FI's anal fantasies and ask about him possibly wanting to receive as well as give. Reassure him that you won't think less of him if he fantasizes about a finger, tongue, or more in his ass. Spend as much time easing into anal play for his ass as for your own, and see where that leads.

As coolie says @2, maybe you'll end up giving it to him more than he gives it to you, and that too can be a win-win.

9

I wonder who @1 Good for the Gander is. The username('s saying) so matched "...fuck his ass everytime he fucks yours..." that after I smiled, I right-clicked, and the account has already been deleted.

10

She doesn't talk about vaginal/oral sex during her period, but anal sex during her period might be an acceptable compromise. She would need to stress the importance high quality vaginal/oral sex. Essentially quid pro quo. Who knows the anticipation of having anal sex might be a turn on for the husband (as with sex only after marriage, personally I would want tp know if there was sexual compatibility before tying the knot, much more preferable to hassle of getting an annulment or a divorce)

11

@6, Sportlandia, never. Oral for some isn’t standard either.
LW, your husband will cope if you pull the plug on anal, at any stage. It’s your body, you have agency over it, so exercise that agency and only do what you are comfortable with.

12

Tell him that you've read (you've now read it here) that men who are experienced receiving anal make far better ass-lovers. It's true. Tell him that he has an ass too, and if he's so sure it's fun for the receiver, he'll happily show you by offering his own ass up for a good pegging. If he won't do that, he can't ask it of you.

I will say that your fear that once he's had back, he'll never go back is unfounded. The guys I know who've enjoyed anal like it for a bit of variety only. Mr FI, if you're reading, assure your wife you love her pussy, even post kids, that it's plenty tight enough, and that you just want to change things up now and then. And be willing to take it up the ass for her. Which WILL make you a better ass lover; as I've said before on these pages, you DON'T fuck an ass the same way you fuck a pussy. Instructional videos for you, too, if you haven't already -- and I don't mean porn!

Good @1: Assumes facts not in evidence. Men have been curious about/into anal LONG before porn existed in its current, anal-focused format. It's reasonable for him to want to try sex a different way, though I agree with your premise of fair being fair.

Qapla @5: Thanks for your post. I will agree that Mr FI is probably obsessed by anal because he's not getting it, and once he ticks that box he'll ask her about it less, not more.

Dum @7: Thank you for putting her off the idea of anal entirely! FI, no, you don't need to let him stick his dick immediately back into your vagina after it's been in your butt! He could wear a condom while in your ass and then take it off to fuck you in the vagina, if taking a clean-up break kills the mood.
I do agree that a vibe or his fingers on the clit make anal MUCH more enjoyable. Have him start by stimulating your clit until you are close to orgasm, then that whole area will be much more relaxed and ready to be penetrated. Then keep that clit action going while he is fucking you. It will distract you from the discomfort and you may even be able to come yourself. Weed may help too.

Skeptic @10: You're right, she never says she or her husband is uncomfortable having vaginal sex during her period, so why conflate these two issues? Having one's period does not make anal sex easier. She should have anal sex if she's in the mood for anal sex, not because her vagina is currently "dirty."

13

'What do I do?' Tell your husband you do not want to give up vaginal sex for anal.

With that so easily sorted, I'll move to a question. Do Kegel exercises tighten post-childbirth vaginas? What are Kegel exercises?

14

Also, Skeptic @10, having one's period tends to correspond to a loosening of the bowels, so that may paradoxically be the WORST time one could engage in anal.

15

@5. qapla. How do gays do it so often? Preparation, routine. Normalising it. Diet, douching. Being ready to go as the window opens, typically with less foreplay.

16

Ms Fan - You seem almost in conversion therapist mode in the opening of #12. My first instinct is to ask why you'd think LW would even want such a thing; my second that you think LW's just making the request will be enough to make H run for the hills whimpering. That would probably be a highly satisfactory resolution, I'll grant.

There may be something to the assertion that it will improve H's skills, and perhaps there's even some value in disparaging exclusive topping/bottoming in an OS context, though I don't think I'd say that there's any inherent virtue in versatility.

17

M?? Harriet - Although in this case one might consider this to cover the spirit of the question, would you please be careful not to speak ABOUT as if you were speaking FOR?

18

@17. venn. When does one cease to be gay for you? Desiring women? Having sex with women? Being NB?

19

Venn @16: Conversion to what? Yes, I'd like to convert Mr FI from a clueless, curious straight guy who just wants to "get to fifth base" into a lover who's clued up about the correct way to fuck an ass, for FI's sake. And in my experience, the best way to do that, other than having an expert penetratee to practice with (which FI is not), is by learning what it feels like to have one's ass fucked. Why would FI want to fuck her husband's ass? Because she wants to get to a place where anal is pleasurable for her, and it's more pleasurable with someone who knows what it feels like to receive. (Also, who knows, she may enjoy it.)

And indeed, if Mr FI's reaction is to run for the hills whimpering, it will succeed in converting him from a clueless, curious straight guy to someone who respects FI's wish for her arse to be left alone, so either way she wins.

20

Venn @17, it's my understanding that you have been celibate for years if not decades, so I would consider Harriet at least as qualified as you to speak on the topic of man-on-man anal sex. I'm sure Qapla's reference to "gay dudes" was intended to be inclusive of bi dudes who frequently get fucked by other men.

21

I would also echo the commenters who say that she doesn't have to. If these tentative forays (presumably with fingers and toys) are not enjoyable for her, then Mr FI can live out his life never having fucked an ass, it's not the end of the world. Her letter just reads as if she does want to do it, so I am basing my comments on that presumption. (Mr FI, ease up on the badgering, it's not going to relax her sphincter any.)

22

Anal only: It’s a thing. https://www.analonlylifestyle.com/. Don’t be so quick to dismiss LW’s concerns.

23

I don’t know why you should feel insufficient LW, because your pushy husband is wanting to try anal. Your vagina is available, and it’s sad to read a grown woman, a mother of two, feeling so out of control about her own body and the sexual experiences she wants to have.
Even if you do try it and don’t want it again and pushy keeps clamouring for it, you can say No. can’t you?

24

Whirled @22: "Dear LW, you're right. Once your husband gets your ass, PIV will never be good enough. Might as well divorce him now." Better?
[CN; sarcasm. It is HIGHLY unlikely this will happen, so it makes no sense to scare her like that.]

25

@24 BDF I totally agree. I love anal, but even as the giver it isn't something I would want to do every night. Personally my enjoyment of it isn't so much about the feeling (which to me isn't as good), but the taboo, and how much she likes it. Every other aspect makes it less desirable, the prep, the potential accidents, cleanup after, etc. It is very hard to time my orgasm with her wanting to stop.

26

BDF @24, a ton of posts on the forum are “how can I get my wife to try AO?” Could one of them be LW’s hubby? Nah - what are the odds? But just sayin’.

27

@26/Whirled: Uh huh, all those "married" men on the forum trying to get their "wives" into an anal only lifestyle, and not a bunch of incels trading erotic fiction in their fever dreams or other fantasists.

28

By way of anecdotal evidence that he's unlikely to only want anal, I can offer myself.

My wife has always allowed me some anal, but it clearly isn't her preference. For a while, we were in a place where she was usually saying no and I was asking for it almost every time we had sex. After some thought, I told her that I was pretty sure that a huge part of what turns me on is knowing that she'd let me do it if I ask. It's closely tied to the D/S aspect of our relationship. I had a bit of a history of getting off vaginally as soon as she told me I could have anal, even if I'd previously been having trouble coming, so I figured that this might work out for both of us.

I suggested that she try not saying no (unless circumstances made it a really bad idea) and told her that I was pretty sure that I would ask a whole lot less and I wouldn't actually take her up on it most of the times she said yes after I asked.

It worked. I don't ask very often, she almost always says I can, and I usually don't take her up on it.

29

DCP123 @28, interesting. Do you use a sort of reverse safe word for when yes really means yes?
You're also lucky she didn't dump you for asking for anal every time you had sex. I don't think I would have had much patience for that.

30

What is with all these men imposing anal on women. If she says no, she means no.

31

Lava @30, she didn't say no.

32

@20. Bi. A 'dude' is one thing I'm not. Try Boris Johnson. But thanks for stepping in.

/break/
I think anal is something people can come to like. If there are acquired tastes in food, there might be acquired tastes in sex.

33

Harriet @32, I'm not letting Not My Prime Minister appropriate the word dude. The Dude abides! Besides, I was only following Qapla's lead. Do you want to be a "gay dude" for the purpose of having authority to speak on the subject or not? If the dude fits, wear it! :)

34

Sounds to be like she’s being coerced Fan, from her letter. Hounded into acceptance.
Sorry about your new fuckwit PM. Now we’ve got a matching pair.

35

Do you think ever before you write ?Harriet? Getting used to new food tastes is nothing like getting used to someone pushing their cock up your arse, especially when one has a perfectly good vagina just made for the purpose. Fine for those who want to try, who want to continue.
I don’t get this LW wants to even try, she’s being a good wife and letting herself be forced.
Note the concern re her vagina size, wonder if husband has thrown a few references around, re this. In different positions, a woman’s vagina is tighter. Get him to mount you from behind, LW. Nice tight pussy in that position.

36

?Harriet. A gay man, which you say is one of your personas, would know that being a bottom is a pretty set role for gay men, yet here you are suggesting it’s no different to acquiring new tastes in food. Do you tell that to your gay friends, that they really can get to like it.. no different to tasting new foods. A gay man wouldn’t speak such trite. Unless he thought only women should be pressured into liking it. Either way, to me, you are suspect.

37

Lava @34, I agree he's putting the pressure on (and told him to cut it out, see @21), but she herself says she's curious to try this. Unlike the woman in this week's column who says anal is a hard limit. She should tell him, "look, I am interested in trying this, but it has to be at MY pace. You've made it clear you want to do this. When I'm in the mood for some butt play I'll be the one to let you know." And if he keeps bugging her she takes it right off the table.

38

@7 Could things really change that rapidly? Because I’m looking at a survey from 2010 where 21-23% of women in their 20’s and 30’s had anal sex in the last year. 14-17 were 4-5% and 18-19 18%. 40-49 12%, 50-59 6%, 60-69 4% and 70+ 1%.

Vaginal and giving and receiving oral sex were around 80% for 20-24 who had the highest rates of anal sex. It’s certainly more common but I still don’t think it’s close to being expected regularly.

40% of women 20-24 said they had anal sex before in their lifetime, so 60% said they didn’t. 25-29 had the highest lifetime rate of 46%. So I’m thinking you may find many women who do it a lot, but a lot more are still not interested.

Also that is definitely not a good idea to go ass to vagina without cleaning or changing condoms. It’s not just feces. There is bacteria in the anus that should not be in the vagina. It may not be a problem every time but everyone says not to do that because it’s risky for the woman’s health.

39

Tropicalia @38: That data could also suggest that younger women experiment with anal sex, many at the request of their partners, but up to three-quarters of them realise they don't like it and take it off the menu. Which is exactly what I would expect, really.

40

@1: "btw he is really into anal because he is really into porn"

Utterly baseless assumption; why do so many people insist on things they have no actual reason to believe are true? He probably IS really into porn, because nearly all men are into porn now that it's so easily accessible, but there is zero reason to assume that the porn would CAUSE interest in anal, because people seeking out anal porn are doing so because they are ALREADY interested in anal (even just an initial curiosity).

It's not hard to not watch videos depicting anal sex if that's not your thing - don't buy/watch videos that the title and/or description indicate contain anal sex. Which raises another question - why do people act like porn works like that A Clockwork Orange brainwashing system where they're forced to watch it and can't not play a video in the first place or click it off if it's not something they like?

41

@22: Of course it's a thing; there's even a Savage Love neologism for one of the contexts that leads to it being a thing - saddlebacking.

42

@40 John Horstman
+1
I like porn and that hasn't affected in the slightest my personal lack of interest in anal. Easy to avoid watching it. If a partner IRL /is/ interested, am happy to go ahead with enthusiasm (for them).

I still wonder who created the fake account @1 just to post that comment.

43

Tropicalia @38, I’m wondering how those percentages compare with the percentages that had any sex at all in the past year because of course the set of no sex lies entirely within the set of no anal sex. Especially in those last two age groups. I’m not saying old people don’t have sex (There are actual memes about a particular retirement community in Fl because at one point it had the highest rates of new stds in the state) but frequency of sex does tend to decline and I’m guessing that things that age related things that affected sex affect anal sex even more. I’m not at all sure that the number of people who have had anal in the past year is at all representative of how popular it is, and the other possible confounding factor is that people over 60 are likely a lot less to say so if they did do it. All of the people I know in that demographic have a much stronger sense of keeping private things private, especially if there is any kind of taboo around it.

44

Anal sex has been prevalent around the world since a long time. However, it is not an act that can just be performed with minimal preparation. There are some vital fundamentals that should be taken care of in order to have a pleasant anal sex experience. For example- Proper hygiene must be maintained while performing anal sex. Anal region contains bacteria and it can lead to infections if cleanliness is ignored. Also, protection and lots of lubes should be used for couples who are trying it for the first time. I found some interesting tips written by a sex worker in this article https://sexbroker.io/blog/the-sex-workers-guide-to-anal-sex I feel these tips can help overcome the fears of having anal sex.