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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: He doesn't want to cheat on his current girlfriend and he's worried he might if he meets face-to-face with the ex-girlfriend he's technically never actually met before. For six months everything was great with her first post-divorce boyfriend but now her friends are telling her to dump him. This reader recently met the half-sibling they never knew they had and they're already making out and they might be fucking soon and HELP! And, as always, this week's Savage Love and Savage Lovecast.

First up, we hear back from the woman whose letter prompted me to post a video of someone banging her head on a desk one thousand times...

Hey, Dan. WHTGP writing you back. Thank you for replying so quickly. I guess I already knew the answer. Just wanted to see it on print. And yes, I often felt like I was banging my head against a wall as he repeatedly gaslit me, and then when I resisted, he would double down. And then he said I was gaslighting him! He also amplified and preyed on some of my flaws that I told him had been issues in my marriage. So I thought that if I just worked on those flaws everything would be better. So much for that. The final straw was the "Are You Dating a Narcissist?" article he emailed to me, pointing out which sections applied to me. That and he said he was thinking about reaching out to my ex-husband to chat about my issues. So yup. I’ve dumped the motherfucker. Thanks again!

So happy to hear you took my advice right away, WHTGP, instead of waiting two years and then writing me to say you wish you'd acted on my advice sooner. And your asshole boyfriend—sorry, your asshole ex-boyfriend—was thinking about meeting up with your ex-husband? Yeah, no. We've seen that move before and we don't approve. Glad to hear you dumped the motherfucker!

Now we hear back from a woman whose question I responded to five years ago...

I just listened to your interview on Dax Shepard's podcast. It was great and I sent it to my partner to listen to so that we can discuss it. It also reminded me of an email I sent to you many years ago and I thought I might write again now with a life update. I wrote you back in 2013. You put the letter in your column and I got tons of great advice from you and the commenters. Thank you for that. Here's the update: My relationship with the male I mentioned ended in 2014. I was about to graduate with my masters degree and it became clear that we wanted to go in different directions and parted ways. I dated a bit, discovered that I am a gay lady, and I'm now engaged to a wonderful WOMAN who is the love of my life! I could not be happier, Dan. The answers to your column did help to open my eyes to the flaws of my previous relationship and for that I will always be grateful. Keep up the excellent work!

In your case, POPDAQ, I'm so happy you didn't take my advice in 2013! You were frustrated that your boyfriend of 3.5 year hadn't proposed to you yet and I told you to propose to motherfucker yourself already. Congrats on being a gay lady now and on finding the right gay lady to spend—fingers crossed—the rest of your gay lady life with!

Regarding this week's Savage Love...

Hi, Dan! You mentioned one of possible cause of penis shrinkage might have to do with Peyronie's disease. What perfect timing! Just this week the online comic "Oh Joy Sex Toy" focused on that very issue in a really helpful and educational way! Check it out!

About that trans woman who hooked up with someone at a dungeon play party without disclosing her trans status and whose play partner was fine with it but suggested when they were done that she might wanna consider disclosing her trans status to future partners and who called to ask me what I thought...

Not necessarily looking for a reply but I am wondering if I missed something in the call from the trans woman whose hookup partner was concerned she did not disclose her status ahead of time. In most human interactions, there would be no reason to do so unless she wanted to do so though, as you noted, it may be wise to do so out of caution. However, is this really not an exception? If one does not have the genitals a new sex partner would reasonably assume, is that not something the partner has a right to know? If nothing else, doesn't it get into an issue of telling a lie of omission to obtain consent that might otherwise be withheld?

I don't know... the woman who called was at a sex party in a dungeon. Lots of different types of people go to sex parties and while I think a trans woman at a sex party might want to disclose for her own safety, I don't think the onus is necessarily on her to do so. If someone absolutely, positively wouldn't wanna stick their dick in a person who had transitioned from one gender to another, perhaps that someone shouldn't be fucking strangers in dark rooms? Or maybe the onus should be on that someone to make polite inquiries?

Regarding Everything To Gain And Everything To Lose...

Just read your response to ETGAETL and wanted to write in with a quick note about my experience. I got an IUD because I was wanting long-term, low-hassle, non-hormonal contraception. Had that (for me quite painful!) appointment, and a follow-up, and then went on my way. Close to a year later I ended up at the GYN with severe abdominal pain and concern the IUD might be perforating the uterus. The doctor on staff did an ultrasound and told me the good news: no IUD perforation. The pain was from a ruptured ovarian cyst and it was already clearing up. The bad news? There was no IUD there! It had been expelled—without my even noticing, likely during a menstrual period (when I already typically had pretty painful cramping). I don't even know how long I had been completely without contraception. And they say to do string checks and I maybe hadn't been doing that as often as I should have. But with the replacement IUD, they actually cut the string too short and it retracted into the cervix and I can't check that it's there! Anyway, all of this to say, you can find yourself "unprotected" even in the absence of someone lying—so if a pregnancy would be catastrophic, definitely take extra extra measures. Thanks for keeping up with the podcast and the column!

And...

Having recently gone through IVF, I wanted to point out one thing about the ETGAETL letter. She mentioned in it that one of the reasons she didn’t think she could get pregnant was due to her age. If she’s in her late 30s or especially in her 40s, she might want to wait to make any decisions regarding the pregnancy right away. Miscarriage and disability rates shoot up for women of advanced maternal age. (I had two chromosomal miscarriages in my late 30s and needed IVF to get pregnant with a healthy baby.) If she miscarries, ETGAETL's boyfriend wouldn’t need to face the consequences of getting her pregnant. (I’m not particularly interested in protecting him, but ETGAETL seems to want to do so.) Genetic testing in the first trimester could tell her if her child is likely to have a severe disability and she may not have the resources to raise a child with a severe disability on her own. So even though she might choose to carry a baby who is likely to be healthy to term, she might not choose to carry a child with a severe disability to term and she might want to hold off on making a decision on whether to continue the pregnancy until after the 10th or 11th week, when she can have blood drawn to estimate the likelihood of a chromosomal issue.

Regarding my advice to What To Do About My Ex...

I realize your post about how internet affairs are "just typing" is a decade old, but that you chose to repost it implies you still believe it. I met both my husbands online and had the most trashy netsex with both of them before we met. My first marriage failed because we were temperamentally incompatible in in ways that had shown up online and were identical in person except we were now yelling instead of using all caps. But it was great going into it knowing each other's kinks because netsex encourages you to be more honest about the most bizarre stuff; there are no practical obstacles, no expenses, you can do whatever you want. I felt so free to explore—there were no limits—and being responsible for my own orgasm physically, I learned what I liked there too. It made me mature sexually. But our relationship conflicts existed online and off in the same way and we would have failed no matter how we met. My second marriage failed because we were from different countries, he got deported, and the logistics overwhelmed us; I am disabled and could not keep up with my government's demands as my country doesn't protect the disabled as well as the US does. But pheromones were not a problem in either case.

With all due respect, Dan, this is an area you don't know about personally while I have 25 years of experience. My doctors and therapists praised me for finding a way to bring human contact into my life without the logistical difficulty of actual humans. They think it's good, healthy, and better than nothing. If a strap on is okay for a guy with a micropenis, why can't I strap on my keyboard?

You simply sound lucky—privileged even—to have the choice of meeting new people face-to-face every day. While many people do use the internet to create false personas, so do people in real life. They hide essential info like STIs and fetishes and marriages and mental problems. The skills you need to be honest and have good relationships are the same in every medium. I keep hearing how the brain is the most important sex organ and my brain is as hot as a whole bucket of tits, ass, cocks, and cunts of any size, shape, or color. It's great for you that you have so many local human orifices for your junk and your talking. I'm sure your life is nice. Well, mine is a nightmare of degenerative, untreatable, horrific pain, physical uselessness, and slow erosion of my connection to the world. I am doing my best with what's left. Please stop being such a dick about something you don't need or get. It makes me sad; you generally seem like a good dude. You're compassionate to pedophiles, for Pete's sake. Am I deserving of less?

You deserve no less and I'm sorry my recent repeat column made me seem unsympathetic. I know the internet is a lifeline—also a sexlife line—for many people. I actually have some pretty wonderful online friendships with people I've never met IRL. I couldn't have said that a decade ago. So my apologies and I promise not to run that old letter again.

Okay, we're going to leave it there! Have a great weekend, everybody, and we'll see you—and try not to disappoint you—on Monday! And here's a little thigh candy to close out the week...

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