Maybe deadly?
Maybe deadly? HAZEMMKAMAL / GETTY IMAGES

This 103-year-old Washington woman just jumped out of a plane: Kathryn “Kitty” Hodges went sky-diving over Snohomish County. She jumped from 10,000 feet up in the air. “It’s fun, so why not have some fun? Hallelujah!” Kitty said, according to KING5. That's the kind of energy I'm looking for going into the weekend. (Yes, I know there are four bylines on this post. No, I will not reveal my identity. Figuring out who wrote which blurb is part of the fun, Raindrop.) We should all harness Kitty's "fuck it, I'm 103" mentality in everything we do. Death is always around every corner, after all.

The autopsy results are in and... : Jeffrey Epstein died by suicide. Epstein was found dead in his cell almost a week ago. The autopsy showed that Epstein hanged himself. Meanwhile, two more women have sued Epstein's estate.

Armed and blessed: Churches across the country are training their congregations how to use guns to defend themselves against active shooter situations. "Not all security experts support this approach," according to this AP article. That's the shot. Here's the chaser: "But it has gained momentum." In case the god-fearing folk in these gun-toting tutoring sessions don't feel close to Christ, the curriculum incorporates Christian teaching. Once a churchgoer goes through the training they are dubbed "a sheepdog," and will volunteer as security at their church. Who needs gun control?

In case you're thirteen and looking to get married: Here's where you can. Also, if you're 13, stop reading us! We post sexy things on here!

Here's a sexy thing: Ooooh baby! Ink!

Peter Fonda is dead: The 79 year old actor—best known for his roles in films like Easy Rider and The Limey— died today of respiratory failure due to lung cancer. He was brother to actress Jane Fonda, and son to the late Henry Fonda.

Not exactly a Kodak moment for Missouri police department: The Columbia Police Department posed for a little selfie on Thursday. It was taken at the site of where an infant's body was found that morning. The photo, captioned "out keeping the streets safe," was meant to show city employees on the job.

Greenland won't be bought: And isn't for sale. Apparently, Donald Trump has been looking to expand his real-estate portfolio and add Greenland into the mix. Though it presumably began as a joke, Trump kept bringing up buying the semiautonomous Danish country. Greenland was rightfully horrified by the idea of becoming part of our barely-functioning cesspool of a country. Also, a member of the Danish parliament pointed out that, frankly, Denmark can't sell Greenland so, even if they wanted to—which they don't— they couldn't.

We Got a Vape Scare, People: The Washington Post reports that the CDC is looking at 100 cases of “mysterious lung illnesses linked to vaping and e-cigarette use in 14 states” across the country. The vapers, who have been hospitalized after “difficulty breathing, shortness of breath or chest pain,” have reported vaping “nicotine, marijuana-based products, and do-it-yourself ‘home brews,’” so health care officials are not sure if the substances or the devices are causing the injury. So, uhhh, maybe cool it on the vapes for a second until we figure this shit out.

I don't know why KOMO is so casually sharing this video: Of a MAN GETTING SMITED BY GOD, but here you go.

You’re fired! Again: According to Crosscut, a King County Superior Court Judge essentially re-fired Seattle Police Department Officer Adley Shepherd, who had been fired and then rehired again after pushing a handcuffed woman.

Watch out for floaters this weekend: The beach at Magnuson Park is forced to shut down through at least Saturday after a port-a-potty was pushed into the water, reports the Seattle Times. Seattle Parks and Recreation says that they’re waiting to get back water-quality tests to before they reopen the beach.