I agree with the last LW. There ought to be more portrayals of pegging in movies, TV, etc.
For the last LW, there /are/ women out there who find it a turn-on. For me, part of it is that the man is being open about receiving that kind of pleasure and admitting that that area /can be/ pleasurable for him without having anything to do with his sexuality. In other words, he's not afraid to admit he likes it and that it makes him gay; he's /secure/. Unfortunately, I've seen accounts by some men who admit to enjoying or ask for prostate stimulation from their female partners who go on to ask, "What, are you gay?" or similar reactions. That certainly doesn't encourage a sharing atmosphere in a relationship...
You don't say in your letter, so you might already have, but it's important to discuss with your wife exactly /why/ she isn't into it. Is it the ick poop-related factor? There are things to mitigate that. Is it her own insecurity vis-a-vis your sexuality and what that might possibly mean in your relationship? Is it that she is just generally more submissive and finds the idea of topping not at all appealing? Topping is about more than penetration -- look for "topping from the bottom."
Good luck! Hope she comes around.
Erotica written for women was also my first example of a graphic depiction of sex and I remember there was a huge focus on oral sex, describing the giver's and receiver's pleasure from a female POV (meaning the pleasure each person derived from both giving and receiving). This was before I'd become sexually active and I wonder if that's why I just expected sex to be that way, and then it usually was? I had sex for more than a decade before encountering a guy who thought "women don't care about their own pleasure" and I was legitimately confused! I seriously did not know until that moment that anybody had those beliefs, perhaps partially due to that old timey erotica that I'd internalized as the norm?
Good catch LW, agree. LEASH, don’t write any of your kink down to introduce someone to it. And this current girl, or one of them, asked you straight up if you had a kink. Still you hid.
If you are not strong in your kink, no one will understand it or respect it as part of who you are.
Same goes for cis men with prostrate play. It is about sexual stimulation, nothing to do with orientation. Some gay men are never fully penetratrated, they are still gay.
So teach cis women how much pleasure this brings you. Like so many women have to teach men re the great significance of the clit/oris.
Fingers to start, gloves if needed, at first. Pegging is a further step. Take one at a time.
I just started reading your column and was pleasantly surprised to discover it is on the Internet! Have you considered maybe recording some spoken-word version? You could use phone calls instead of letters, maybe involve other guest respondents.
Yes, agree with the criticism of the advice to LEASH. Don't avoid a laughing reaction by texting her, so that she can (potentially) not only laugh at him but show the text to all her friends. I'd modify Dadddy's advice to, when at home watching YouTube, cue up "I Wanna Be Your Dog" by Iggy Pop and use that as the conversation opener. That sexy bassline and Mr Pop's torso would make anyone feel it would be hot to keep someone on a leash. :-)
Aw, Slomo @5, everyone's gotta start somewhere. Now this guy knows he can google "Dan Savage" and "pegging" and find several of the articles he's looking for. Not that these are guaranteed to make his wife interested in doing that to him. What about pegging porn? Some amateur pegging porn might make his wife realise how much fun it is for the men who dig it -- and how much fun that makes it for the pegger.
Ah, Mr Savage, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
(but sometimes irresistible 😁 )
Its always somebody else's responsibility to teach men to be 'good at' sex.
We have two overlapping problems:
a) generations of unteachable boy/men
b) women who would rather die than have desires/intentions of their own and risk, you know, actually TALKING ABOUT THEM.
8-- But the highest form of intelligence! Don't forget the intelligence.
If the last LW doesn't know it, there are ALREADY excellent resources demonstrating the joys of pegging in the Bend Over Boyfriend educational movies, making the prospect of the female partner more comfortable and amenable to see women taking up the reins.
For the advice re: revolt in this follow-up, I think some of the advice is swinging the pendulum too far (fyi, mid 40's straight guy here). Making sure the girls orgasms is nice and important.... But I hear more and more guys talking about how they always are laser focused on making sure the girl comes first.
That kind of intensity, even though it may come from the right place, can be a huge mood killer... And in some ways is sort of selfish. Yes the intent is to "get the girl off," but the under current is that the guy gets a sense of accomplishment because he accomplished her orgasm, and now he gets to enjoy his orgasm guilt free.
Here's a little secret... Guys can be compassionate and accomplished lovers, even after the jizz leaves their cock. If she comes first, great. If he comes first, also great. Just warm up your fingers, tongue, vibrator, etc., And keep going at it.
This idea that she needs to come first really isn't doing anyone and good.
@12 Jellob absolutely! I hate the word “fore”play, it should be possible at any time, right? On the other hand: some, many men I know fall asleep really deeply right after they orgasm... even mid-morning. Or are otherwise suddenly uninterested in sexual play. So while there can be flexibility to “she comes first”, it’s not such a bad rule of thumb..,
@12, you're absolutely correct about the a-holes who are come and done (or the even more amazingly selfish who go to sleep mid-morning. I've never heard of that one. Crazy). So yeah, I agree that "she comes first" can be a nice guideline, but let's not get hung up on it,
I meant @13. Sorry.
JelloB / Castora: Seconding the observation that many men either fall asleep or otherwise have no motivation to continue sex after their orgasm. I understand this is hormonal, not mere selfishness. "She comes first" is the standard workaround for this phenomenon. I agree, though, if she hasn't come -- or if she came before PIV but not during and she'd like to again -- it would be great to popularise the message "sex isn't done just because he's done." But "she comes first" is fewer words for those men who are sexual boneheads to process. ;-)
@16, Dadddy. I'm not even sure that all sex education puts forward the idea that sex should be pleasurable.
@Dan'sCorrespondent. It's just too much of a stretch to think that men's unwillingness to be penetrated underlies the worst injustices of society. I say this as a lifelong willing penetratee. Surely we can have hopes of building a more just society--even a slightly fairer society-without asking all guys to lube up in preparation for the republic?
ladies, please suggest some must read Erotica written by women..thanks...curious guy here
M?? Harriet - I wonder what that LW makes of gay tops.
@9 Unteachable men? Everyone is teachable. Just because no one bothered to teach them doesn't make them unteachable. That dismissive "they can't learn" attitude is behind so many awful things in history and so much apathy today. They can be taught and it isn't particularly hard. Most men feel insecure about that area and would welcome training - I know I would have. Much of my 20s would be so much better if I hadn't learned everything through hearsay while going to Catholic school.
@12 Yeah, it isn't that cut and dry.
1.) A big part of me becoming better was to learn to accept "it isn't going to happen for me right now" as not the end of the world. We've all heard how faking orgasm is awful because it trains men poorly but if they can't accept that sometimes orgasm isn't going to happen for whatever reason, you can't blame someone for faking. That harkens back to that open communication thing (everything does doesn't it?) but its also about taking ego out of it.
2.) I also think that it is important to note that ED changes the game on some of this. If both partners are desirous of the dude coming, there may have to be a focus on those needs during the actual penetrative sex act. That of course does not mean that there can't be lots of other kinds of play before or after.
Larry @22, agreeing with your point 1. The opposite side of the coin from men who don't care whether their partners come are those who are hell bent on making her come at all costs, and whose egos are tied up in getting that result. So yeah, as a young woman who hasn't been taught to communicate and doesn't have the knowledge of what gets them off or the confidence to ask for it (or indeed, the perspective to just say, "I'm enjoying this but I don't think I'm going to come so you just focus on yourself"), it's easier to fake an orgasm so the sex can end without your hurting his feelings.
@23 Yeah, it took me a long time (like years) to get my wife out of that loop. Her ex (an otherwise super nice guy) tied up his ego in it and so it was ingrained in her after all that time that she faked it from time to time. That really bothered me because there's no way for me to learn so we talked and talked and eventually worked out way out of it.
It's proven useful as I've gotten older and the equipment very occasionally doesn't work as well. We now both have a frame of reference that sometimes one of us won't finish but it was still fun.
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