Cant wait to see in you orange, Donny! The good news is, itll match your hair.
Can't wait to see in you orange, Donny! The good news is, it'll match your hair. Win McNamee/Getty

It has arrived! The "transcript," also known as "notes," between Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, was released by the White House on Wednesday, or at least an edited version of it was. It is a fascinating study in empty flattery, which is probably why Trump allowed its release. Zelensky strokes Trump's ego like he's a host of Fox and Friends, which makes sense, because before taking office, Zelensky was a literal comic.

As for exactly how damning this one document is, that depends on how much you hate Donald Trump. For Team ITMFA, this is a smoking gun. Here's the most damning passage (emphases mine):

TRUMP: I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it. I would like you to find out what happened with this whole situation with Ukraine, they say Crowdstrike... I guess you have one of your wealthy people... The server, they say Ukraine has it. There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. I think you’re surrounding yourself with some of the same people. I would like to have the Attorney General call you or your people and I would like you to get to the bottom of it: As you saw yesterday, that whole nonsense ended with a very poor performance by a man named Robert Mueller, an incompetent performance, but they say a lot of it started with Ukraine. Whatever you can do, it’s very important that you do it if that’s possible.

ZELENSKY: Yes it is very important for me and everything that you just mentioned earlier. For me as a President, it is very important and we are open for any future cooperation. We are ready to open a new page on cooperation in relations between the United States and Ukraine. For that purpose, I just recalled our ambassador from United States and he will be replaced by a very competent and very experienced ambassadors who will work hard on making sure that our two nations are getting closer. I would also like and hope to see him having your trust and your confidence and have personal relations with you so we can cooperate even more so. I will personally tell you that one of my assistants spoke with Mr. Giuliani just recently and we are hoping very much that Mr. Giuliani will be able to travel to Ukraine and we will meet once he comes to Ukraine. I just wanted to assure you once again that you have nobody but friends around us. I will make sure that. I surround myself with the best and most experienced people. I also wanted to tell you that we are friends. We are great friends and you, Mr. President, have friends in our country so we can continue our strategic partnership. I also plan to surround myself with great people and in addition to that investigation, I guarantee as the President of Ukraine that all the investigations will be done openly and candidly. That I can assure you.

TRUMP: Good because I heard you had a prosecutor who was very good and he was shut down and that’s really unfair. A lot of people are talking about that, the way they shut your very good prosecutor down and you had some very bad people involved. Mr. Giuliani is a highly respected man. He was the mayor of New York City, a great mayor, and I would like him to call you. I will ask him to call you along with the Attorney General. Rudy very much knows what’s happening and he is a very capable guy. If you could speak to him that would be great. The former ambassador from the United States, the woman, was bad news and the people she was dealing with in the Ukraine were bad news so I just want to let you know that. The other thing, there’s a lot of talk about Biden’s son, that Biden stopped the prosecution and a lot of people want to find out about that so whatever you can do with the Attorney General would be great. Biden went around bragging that he stopped the prosecution so if you can look into it... It sounds horrible to me.

ZELENSKY: I wanted to tell you about the prosecutor. First of all, I understand and I’m knowledgeable about the situation. Since we have won the absolute majority in our Parliament; the next prosecutor general will be 100% my person, my candidate, who will be approved by the parliament and will start as a new prosecutor in September. He or she will look into the situation, specifically to the company that you mentioned in this issue. The issue of the investigation of the case is actually the issue of making sure to restore the honesty so we will take care of that and will work on the investigation of the case. On top of that, I would kindly ask you if you have any additional information that you can provide to us, it would be very helpful for the investigation to make sure that we administer justice in our country with regard to the Ambassador to the United States from Ukraine as far as I recall her name was Ivanovich. It was great that you were the first one who told me that she was a bad ambassador because I agree with you 100%. Her attitude towards me was far from the best as she admired the previous President and she was on his side. She would not accept me as a new President well enough.

TRUMP: Well, she’s going to go through some things. I will have Mr. Giuliani give you a call and I am also going to have Attorney General Barr call and we will get to the bottom of it. I’m sure you will figure it out. I heard the prosecutor was treated very badly and he was a very fair prosecutor so good luck with everything. Your economy is going to get better and better I predict. You have a lot of assets. It’s a great country. I have many Ukrainian friends, their (sic) incredible people.


Ok, so here's what going on here. Trump, somehow still the President of the United States, is asking Zelensky to do two things: One, investigate CrowdStrike, the cybersecurity firm company that investigated the hack of the Democratic National Committee in 2016 and concluded that Russia was responsible for the attacks. Why is Trump blabbering on about CrowdStrike? Great question. The company seems to have no idea. In a statement, the company said, "With regards to our investigation of the DNC hack in 2016, we provided all forensic evidence and analysis to the FBI. As we've stated before, we stand by our findings and conclusions that have been fully supported by the US intelligence community."

My theory: Trump is so obsessed with the idea that he didn't win the election fair and square (because he didn't) that he wants to prove that Russia had nothing to do with it.

Then, Trump asked Zelensky, who, again is the comedian President of a foreign nation, to investigate Joe Biden, who happens to be the current frontrunner in the Democratic Primary, and he's going to direct his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani and U.S. Attorney General William Barr to assist in their investigation opposition research about Biden. And Zelensky, who sounds like he learned English from watching Celebrity Apprentice, agrees that this is a very fine idea from all the best people. It looks like a smoking gun because it is one.

Team Trump, however, will spin this like a fucking dreidel, arguing that because he didn't offer, like 47 virgins and a pile of cash, asking a foreign leader to interfere in an election is totally legal. I can just see the hashtag now: #NoQuidProQuo, although first someone will have to explain to Trump what "quid pro quo" actually means. Dude speaks Twitter; he does not speak Latin.

As for whether this technically counts as quid pro quo or not, Laurence Tribe says it is, but I suppose we'll have to let Congress sort that one out.

Trump's campaign team has already used the opportunity to fundraise (“This is just another smear job and a pathetic attempt by Democrats to rip the power from the people,” read an email blast from the Trump campaign. “I’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. TRUST ME, YOU SAW THE TRANSCRIPT.”) and State TV Fox News has already turned this into a story about Joe Biden's alleged corruption. Check out, for instance, this post by Fox News contributor Peter Schweizer: It's a 13-point list of things to know that doesn't mention Trump even once.

This continues on TV, where Fox News' "Chief Intelligence Correspondent" (lol) Catherine Herridge tried to downplay the gravity of the allegations against Trump.

"The key thing from the initial reading of this transcript," she told America's Newsroom host Bill Hemmer, "is that there are not multiple references, as widely reported, to the former Vice President and his son. Based on our count, there's a key reference and then some follow-on references, so a handful, approximately three. And then I would also emphasize that there is no clear link in the transcript between this withheld aid and the promise of a prosecution in this particular case, Bill."

Okay! Someone needs to instruct her on the definition of "multiple." Also... this transcript has been edited by the White House, and there very well could have been more than three references during the call.

Meanwhile in Congress, we have moral paragon Linsday Graham taking a break from licking Trump's asshole to call this whole thing a "nothing burger," which is perhaps the most embarrassing phrase since "cool beans."


Graham, by the way, had this to say during the impeachment of Bill Clinton over a blow job in 1999: “A president doesn’t even have to be convicted of a crime to be impeached. Impeachment is about restoring honor and integrity to the office." On that, we can agree.

As for where this goes next, word is the House Intelligence Committee will see the full whistleblower complaint today at 1 pm PST.