I agree with all of this advice, except she should just install virus protection software for him since he doesn't mind giving her access to his computer. She should also adjust the settings so a password is required for log in and then make another profile for guests, that way conservative brother will not have access to his browsing history even if he uses the computer while visiting.

What chaosgirl said. She beat me to it.

I agree with most things except the having a friend run into dad. The assumption here is that dad is gay versus dad just likes gay porn. As has been established in this column, porn viewing doesn't always have any link to what people do in their daily lives (esp. when tube sites are hell-bent on very specific narratives). Dad might just be curious, dad might be mourning what he missed when he was younger, dad might be gay, dad might just like watching two men fuck, two men suck, two men boss each other around, or dad might not know that other porn sites exist and this is all he found. It's like TV options in a hotel: 5 channels.

No reason for gay porn and Fox News to be mutually exclusive preferences, Dan.

I agree with Dan. MYOB. I’m gonna bet you would never once in your life have appreciated dad commenting on your sexual interests, even if it was to give you two thumbs up. Extend him the same courtesy.

You go dad, at ninety. chaosgirl @1 seems switched on with a solution because no, do not talk of this to your father.

I am baffled that so many adult children think that their parents want to discuss their sexual interests or practices. I assume that this isn't merely obtuseness about boundaries, but that such people are more likely to engage in this behavior due to their personality type. As in this case, however, all of the rationales typically provided are easily disposed, and what is left appears to be their need to feel they know the "real person" behind the facade of "parent." I don't think children are any more entitled to this information than anyone else, but I think that even if a child obtains it, they aren't necessarily any closer to "knowing" their parent. As @3/surfrat noted, "porn viewing doesn't always have any link to what people do in their daily lives." But it may be deeper than that in these cases, knowledge about their sexuality won't bring us closer to our parents.

I was fairly sure my father was gay, not least because I figured out aged 11 that my parents weren't having sex. I had it confirmed by finding gay porn on the family computer in the late 90s. In order to spare everyone's feelings, I suggested we each have separate logins, and peace ruled the family home. (Before anyone suggests I should have outed my old man to my mother, I will point out they were born in 1941-2, and would not have appreciated the applecart being upset.)

My dad started using personal computers in the 1970s. He had the world's first "portable" computer (Compaq). Even still, through the years, every time I came to visit the folks, I'd take the time to tuneup their computers, because they were both helpless at keeping them uncluttered and functioning properly. I'd also install and run the necessary antivirus, anti-malware, anti-adware apps, extensions, etc.
But I never - EVER - went snooping into their files or their bookmarks. Granted, it's possible LW couldn't have avoided seeing those tabs, but she went even further than that. She should be ashamed of herself and keep her damn mouth shut.
And no, please don't take Dan's advice and drop hints about your gay-friendliness or expressly invite him out to lunch with your gay friends. Presumably dad is not an idiot. (And presumably Dan has no experience with dealing with the dignity of a nearly 90-year-old man.) He will not appreciate this. He will suspect you "caught" him and will go to his grave feeling like his secret has been betrayed.

The concern about the malware and the conservative brother are pretexts that the lw's unconscious mind is setting up to have the 'let-it-all-come-out' conversation she craves. But her father does not want to have this conversation, and there is no need for it.

Agree with you both, SA and MartyVega.
This LW sounds patronising, like dad hasn’t lived these just on ninety years. He’s not a child, so don’t treat him like one. The man would be embarrassed to have his daughter speak of this. And the brother coming across the porn, same deal. Dad’s house dad’s business.

Establish a guest account on your dad's computer for your brother and other guests to use. This will help maintain your dad's privacy. I'd also password protect both accounts with your dad having a super easy password , like his birthday, that will help insure his privacy.

LW can always have a conversation about how incognito mode should be used for online banking. During this conversation, let it slip that it's also known as porn mode.

Why have some readers decided LW is female? I would have thought that viewing Dad's sex drive as a predictor of their own hinted at their being male. Not that it makes a difference.

@14 Because LW specifically identified herself as a straight female.

@14. Bi. 'I’m straight, left-liberal, and an LGBTQ ally with a ton of gay close friends (and female, however relevant that may or may not be)...'

It's ambiguous--but she's saying she's a woman, not that her friends are lesbian. (This has become the accepted reading).

Gotcha, I read that as saying LW had a lot of friends who were gay and also friends who were female. Carry on!

Actually it does make a little bit of difference -- an opposite-sex adult child discussing a parent's sexuality with them seems even more awkward and weird than a same-sex one, so LW should definitely double-staple her mouth shut.

LW ought to have put her parenthetical phrase after straight instead of after friends.

I'll agree with Ms Fan that it seems comparatively odd for a woman to take her father's continued sexual activity at age 80 as a personal harbinger. It would certainly feel more likely for a male to think his particular genetic inheritance well-functioning, even if that wouldn't be particularly accurate.

I think it COULD make a difference, however, under certain circumstances. If LW were male and had received The (Dreaded) Sex Talk from Papa, and if it had been excruciating (the example that comes to mind is that of Andrew Tobias, whose description of the desperation with which he managed to bleat that, for crying out loud, he already knew all that stuff, appeared in his pseudonymous memoir The Best Little Boy in the World), then I could see a sort of justice in LW's inflicting an elder's version of The Sex Talk on Papa. In theory, one could say something similar for female LW, only the likelihood that, especially with a mother she remembers so well, the sum of adult instruction she received came from Papa is practically nil.

I got off lucky on this count myself. Coming from a rather high GCCS strain, I didn't get a Talk. I was handed a book and told to read it. (It was a horrible book, but it was still less awful than the talk I'd have gotten from a parent who went along with my being forced into conversion therapy.)

As a rather kinky guy in his 50's with a mid 70's dad, I can tell you I'd prefer a dad who kept things to himself. My dad has a bit (maybe more than a bit) of dementia starting up and LOVES to remind me that he and my mom were swingers (which I know and have been aware of since I was 16 or so). And yes I'm a swinger too, but I don't talk about it with him because, of course I don't. But he is really hell bent on my knowing this thing from 40 years ago, although I have no idea why.

My parents have been long divorced and have managed to maintain the same level of heart warming...no...burning animosity for each other all that time.

the fuck he's 80 let him stroke it how he likes

@7 Agreed. I can't imagine ever discussing anything about sex with my parents. Maybe that's the blinders from being a straight dude but I'd only discuss sex with my parents if there was really no other way to do it. I can't think of anything more uncomfortable and personal.

That said, I'd like to be able to talk to my kids about it someday. Hopefully that isn't what my parents said 40 years ago.

@22,
Honestly, my mom has told me a few things about her sexual history in her 70s and I think I'm glad that she felt comfortable doing so.

The first was telling me how she got my POS father out of the house when he didn't want to leave (he thought maybe she and the kids should move). She started dating really big guys and having them pick her up and drop her off at home, using them to intimidate my dad without them having to say a word. She told the guys what was up. Good for her.

The second was telling me about her sexual abuse by her father. There were details I'd known earlier that made me wonder (and probably would have caused someone who was not her son to immediately know that she'd been abused), but I didn't let my self know that I knew until she told me. I'm glad that she felt comfortable talking about it.

Funny that Dan and most posters say 80. LW says her dad is nearly 90.

I'd tell a lie. Say you were checking your email on his computer and you clicked on something that you worry gave him a virus. Tell him as a result that you want to install virus/malware protection. Since Dad is not computer savvy, LW herself is in best position to know if he can learn to clear his browser history and use incognito mode. Regardless, she can simply offer to update his virus protection from time to time and clear it herself. She can also choose the option to have it clear each time he closes the browser. Brother is out of town, it's unlikely that Dad is going to be watching porn while he's visiting. And how likely is it for the brother to use Dad's computer when he's down anyway?

She should absolutely not mention that she saw this porn. Use another excuse if she wants to have a conversation about incognito mode- the banking excuse above is a good one. I can't believe she'd even consider telling him she saw this.

I also agree that it's a major leap to assume Dad is closeted or bi just because he likes to look at this sort of porn. Something about it has taken his fancy, sexuality is fluid and all that, but this doesnt mean he actually wants to fuck men. Or maybe he does and has in which case it's really none of the LW's business, and it blows my mind that she'd think that in his elderly years he'd want to share this with her and talk to her about it if he's kept it from her this long. She says she's a liberal pro LGBT with gay friends- presumably her father knows this about her. Seems some people are overly eager to show how accepting they are, regardless of whether or not the people they are eager to accept are seeking their acceptance.

Agree cbu. It’s like kids think their parents don’t have a rich private inner life. As if we only exist as parents. Even when they are adults too.
Mind your own beeswax LW, he’s a very grown man and can watch what ever the hell he wants to watch. And go cruising and finding himself a companion. Poor guy. Probably would like to do that except he knows his stuffy kids would disapprove.