Fan to Dan: Your Opposite-Sex Soulmate Is Out There Somewhere!

Comments

1

Don't worry KWBABFIWRII, you won't be single forever! Your opposite sex soulmate is just waiting for you out there on this planet or some other planet in this universe or another dimension!

2

I’m surprised Dan even responded to that first letter. As to the second, there is a 3rd choice: break up with the guy and enjoy your life until a much more compatible fit comes along...and one will soon enough.

3

L-dub 2. Omg break up!!! That whole ambition leads to success which leads to happiness thing though...? I haven't seen it happen like that myself... like ever, for anyone. So, live how you wanna, but know that ambition/success and happiness are two separate paths.

4

Thanks LW1, and may your next trip to check on the space colonies go well.
LW2: leave this man, and then think about how to proceed. Once you have farewelled such a downer, your mind will be different and you can worry then about the future. Do not stay with a man who makes you feel stuck.

5

Just a thought: perhaps LW2’s bf is perpetually bummed out because his gf works long hours and obsesses over her career instead of switching off and living life when she’s around him.

6

KWBABFIWRII, DTMFA!!

7

How unimaginative to believe that there are zillions of planets out there and that they'd be inhabited with beings that we'd recognize as having one of our two sexes who have souls and are looking for mates.

It's way more fun to think that my future meaningful interactions with interdimensional extraterrestrials will consist of euphoric inclusion of the sublime or shape shifting teleological hive minds, but nah, it's probably dicks and pussies across the universe joining in holy matrimony.

7

KWBABFIWRII, people in demanding jobs date, have sex, and start relationships everyday. Will you be lonely on your own, with no one to go home to at the end of a long day? Yes, there will be days like this, when you come home late to a dark apartment only to eat dinner alone. And there may be months without sex, and years without a relationship. But if you want a man in your life, you can work towards that life goal too, just like you are working towards your career success. Can your life be rich and rewarding without a life partner? It can be, but if being partnered is pulling you to remain in a bad relationship, I suspect you will want to be partnered sooner, rather than later. So draft that online profile, and get online once you break up, and invest a bit of time each day on dating activities.

@1/Urgutha Forka: I believe you meant to say, "Don't worry your opposite sex soulmate is not in The Land of the Lost."

8

Oh my god... this person needs to get on FB if she isn’t already. Seriously, just look at the lives of the successful, ambitious, women that put a lot of energy into their career and are single. (Or mostly single) They have the best lives. And they seem to just get better as they age. I know a lot of FB is for appearances but there’s some truth in there somewhere. And if you do then happen to meet someone along the way you have this incredible life to share and confidence (hopefully) not to waste it on someone that can’t appreciate it.

9

I went out with someone I really loved but it didn't work out (he didn't want kids, I did). The first time I tried to finish with him he told me that we got on really well and I should think about it for a bit longer. Fair enough. The second time, he patted me on the head and told me I was having one of my funny moments. I was so stunned I couldn't answer back, and let it drop. The third time... we went out to see Shakespeare in Love. That scene at the end where Viola walks on to the beach by herself, to a new life, on her own... I sobbed my eyes out all the way home, and finally he accepted it was over. Now, this was a nice man. Stubborn, but basically decent. I gave him the benefit of the doubt far too often and didn't stand up for myself.

You have tried to finish it several times OP. Several times is enough to know that you really mean it. You have to follow through and leave him this time. Stop allowing yourself to be persuaded out of it by not allowing the conversation to get as far as the emotional blackmail he's using to control you. I'd go so far as to say that if you always give in when you have a face to face conversation, then try doing it by email and explaining why. Keep your distance until he stops this selfish, controlling behaviour. The unhappiness is sucking the life out of you and you will feel so much better and liberated when it's done.

10

KWBABFIWRII, you won't regret it. You will have moments of remorse, some growing pains while you figure out life on your own again, and legitimate feelings of grief (it's part of the process, no matter how unhappy you are with the relationship, loss is loss and that'll sting until you work through it). Once the dust settles, you'll find you're so much more you than you've been in years. You'll be happy because you won't feel like you're settling and you won't feel/be undermined by a partner who doesn't share your values. And once you're living the way you really want to again, the guys you attract will be men who don't hold you back the way this dude does.

P.S. - check out the book "Too Good to Stay, Too Bad to Leave"

11

KWBABFIWRII - While contemplating your options you might want to consider adding a 3 to that list, one that examines what you will feel like and what your life will be like after having spent 5+ more years with your boyfriend sucking all the joy out of your life. How will that relationship have affected your career? Your self-esteem? You only get one life, and it's up to you to make sure you surround yourself with people who enhance and enrich your experience. Trust me, as someone who has had long term relationships with people who sound just like your boyfriend, it doesn't get better. Time spent trying to make it work is years you will never get back.

You say you have 'tried' dumping him in the past. You need to listen to Yoda: "Do or do not. There is no try."

13

LW2 - you are not responsible for his emotional reaction to a breakup (unless you want to be).

14

I'm not always happy being single, but I wasn't always happy in a relationship either. The grass is always greener.

The issue isn't whether being single is the right choice, it's the fact that your partner makes you unhappy 50% of the time. Not good!

15

So... let me get this right, LW1 is perfectly okay with fucking space aliens, so long as they're opposite-sex space aliens?

Wow. Okay then.

16

How is it we get get two #7 comments on this SLOTD?

17

This idea that there HAS to be an opposite sex individual for gay and lesbian individuals by concocting a "zillion"?!?! variants so that it is a possibility is stupid. What a dumb insecure way the LW has to save save the gay man from ruin.
If we are entertaining this child like way of explaining things then the LW has a perfect partner too a same sex partner. How about a non human partner. No not an Alien that is far to a romantic concept. I was thinking the LW has a dog, horse, or some other animal.
By presenting this insecure scenario, it feels to me they really can't deal with a same sex couple being perfectly happy so LW opens herself up to being on the receiving end of this dumb idea. Why just a gay man?

If these simplistic and stupid "everything is perfect in another universe or heaven" scenarios are going to make some feel happy and feel they might be able to save us from a same sex marriage, then these same people have to entertain that it can happen to them too. They could be perfectly happy in an opposite species marriage.

One needs to entertain that life has evolved in such a unique way on this planet over billions of years that it can't be replicated twice because of the odds and many unique events causing life to evolve into us and this is it for all of us. So make the best of it.
Woof! Woof!

18

Ms Lava - And here you were on my short list of potential LW1s from among the women of the assembled company. Mizz Liz neatly encapsulated the reason for my not putting her on that list; well played.

So LW is a woman, at least slightly left of centre, and a complementarian who has apparently not come across many mirrorists, or at any rate doesn't believe in them. I don't think she's actually Roman Catholic unless all the priests she knows are terribly unappealing - there are vibrations here of Father What-a-Waste, but one of the old mainline Protestant sects feels more likely. It's very shortsighted to think One Size Fits All regarding relationships. If she was thinking of the possibility of natural reproduction, it ought to have occurred to her that many of us are much better off not parenting.

Above all, how the flip does one reconcile wanting to convert us all with not wanting Mr Savage to turn conservative on home issues? Perhaps LW1 is a less prominent Souper herself.

19

On the other hand maybe STTA is on to something and there is also a man (or woman, whatever, same gender at any rate) on Earth or in space or whatever the hell who will definitely turn him gay. Something for them to think about.

20

I second @5's question/concern. We have circumstantial evidence at best; conclusions, let alone solutions, can't be reached.

21

@ 15

Reminds me of the guy a few years ago who was in love with his horse and Dan asked him if it was a female horse or a male horse and he responded in outraged indignation it was a FEMALE horse because he certainly wasn’t GAY.

22

So, LW2, the question is: do you want kids? Because it's not true that fertility takes a nose dive at 35, but it is true that things begin changing 38-41 (I'm a woman). I've noticed the changes in myself (someone outside me wouldn't) and my friends who had their first babies at 36/37 had no problems but those who tried at 39 did.

If you desperately want kids, just buy the house & have the kids with this guy and get divorced later if you must. Sounds like he's the kind of guy who'd prefer that to the alternative (being back on the dating market).

He sounds depressed, and desperate to be partnered. You sound desperate to be partnered. It's 50/50 whether either of you would land someone after this in your "mid" late 30s, but even though he sounds like he'd be the definition of "there's a reason he's single", tbh some women love being a caretaker so he could certainly get re-partnered/married more quickly than you. Late 30s is young and women look great at that age, but men looking for partners to marry are real dicks about age. Telling you this as a 41-year-old who men think is 34, and thought was 29 when I began dating at 36 after a breakup. Age is a dealbreaker for many.

Divorce this dude later.

23

Sorry Dan, your soulmate with a vagina is in another castle.

24

LW 2:

Lay your cards on the table, and tell him what you've said here. " I love you, but I can't stay with you like this. Please understand that I'm going to have to leave if things don't change."

Then also be prepared for being alone.

25

@Whirled Without End:
How is it we get get two #7 comments on this SLOTD?

Nothing in America surprises me anymore. Nothing.

26

I just want to echo that from a biological perspective, the idea of a "woman" evolving separately on another planet is laughable. It's not even likely at all that organisms from another planet (which probably do exist but we'll probably never contact them) are self-aware, are multicellular, move like animals do, sleep, are bipedal, breathe gaseous oxygen, can tolerate the same temperature range that we can, have the same day/night cycle as us, are on the same order of magnitude of size as us, have males and females, have arms and legs, have a skeleton, have that skeleton on the inside of their body, have ears, have a nose, have the same nutritional requirements as us, gestate their young inside their bodies, produce macroscopic young, reproduce sexually, are able to internally regulate their body temperature, or have even remotely the same lifespan and life cycle as us. It's more likely, but still not certain, that they'd even have a mouth separate from their anus, have a face, have eyes, have DNA, be able to even tolerate the presence of oxygen in their environment, or have a digestive tract at all.

Picture a two-foot-long alien with no arms and legs that lives in water under 40 degrees Fahrenheit, tastes all over its body, reproduces asexually, eats single-celled organisms it grows on its back, "gives birth" to microscopic young, has one orifice function as both its mouth and its anus, never sleeps, lives for 300 earth years, is exothermic, navigates by sensing electric fields, and communicates exclusively through chemical signals. What I've just described is unlikely to exist, but if life on earth is any guide, is astronomically more likely than anything resembling a human. Is this a woman? Is this Dan's soulmate?

(Most importantly for this guy's concept of a woman, it wouldn't have boobs! Mammals are the only organisms that lactate, not all mammals even have nipples, most species' nipples aren't on their chests, and humans are the only mammals where the females have permanently enlarged mammary glands.)

27

I can't speak to whether or not there are women from other dimensions. That's outside my purview.

28

"If you desperately want kids, just buy the house & have the kids with this guy and get divorced later if you must."

I don't get to say this unironically very often, so: please, think of the children.

29

LW2 — When one is with a partner who seems good in some ways and bad in others, the question to ask oneself is not "would it be better if I were alone?" (which no-one can accurately imagine — you don't even know for a fact that you'll be alone for very long) but rather "can I stand the thought of it being like this for the rest of my life?" (which you can definitely imagine — you're living it right now). In your case, the rest of your life is probably like 40-50 years. So the answer is obvious: GO. If your boyfriend "truly sucks the joy out of most situations", then staying with him means that most situations you're in will be joyless for the next FIFTY YEARS. You owe it to yourself to spend those fifty years doing something else, even if you can't yet imagine exactly how that's going to look.

30

Say what Mr Venn @18. You thought I’d write such a letter? I’m not homophobic. Or a believer in aliens sitting out there. Though, one does wonder about all those galaxies.

31

A kooky man wrote that letter Mr Venn. He says lesbians and homosexuals. Dork. Lesbians are homosexuals.

32

Well, dang! That's what I've been doing wrong: I need to start trying to date in other galaxies.

33

I think it's unlikely that LW1 has any coherent political ideology at all, Venn. Most people don't, much less most people who are preoccupied by the potential intergalactic soul mates of media figures they follow. It's also impossible to guess this person's gender- I see no telling signs either way. The use of homosexual for gay man specifically does seem like something a religious fundie might say.

@Calli- is that true about human boobs being the only ones that are permanently enlarged? I'm trying to think of utter examples and can only come up with cows. But perhaps they are kept this way for dairy and wouldn't be that way in nature? Or rather they'd not be in nature at all, being domesticated animals.

Anyway if all things are possible in the multiverse, I'm sure that must be a world of sentient boobs somewhere. Just breasts bouncing about, swinging with ball sacks no doubt.

34

LW2 didn’t mention wanting kids, how come it’s being suggested she have some.
The bf wants them to buy a house.
Really LW2, it’s staring you right in the face. This man is not your forever man, and owning a house with him? A big thing for him to moan about. So much for his anti capitalist credentials.
Of course single women know how to have fun. And know the beauty of returning to a quiet empty space, after a hard day of work.. where nobody demands a thing of them. Play the music they want. Relax with a wine or a joint, and read the latest gossip mag or whatever. Unwind and enjoy their solitude. Then run a nice hot bath..
Go out one or two nights a week.. all work and no play makes jack a dull boy/ Jill a dull girl.
Focus on living your life, which includes giving your career its due, and your private life. Make new friends, have casual sexual adventures, and keep an eye out for the man who will just fit, or closest to, who you are as a competent adult woman.
Who cares what the culture tells you is the way to go. Smash The Patriarchy, and go your own way.

35

LW2, in the immortal words of Dear Sugar ( https://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/ )... "Go, because you want to. Because wanting to leave is enough."

36

An inter-dimensional sex partner? And all this time, I thought someone living in New Jersey was geographically undesirable.

37

I think having two 7s is just showing off. But it does mess with your 69ing, I would think. So hey, GRIS, who wins now? 68 (AKA "you do me and I'll owe you one") or 69?

It seems like there must be an extant religion that is based on that very idea, that we have soulmates, AND they are not on this planet. Must be.

And am I the only one troubled by LW2 saying her man is a loser because he is too afraid and therefore half-asses things, and so she's afraid to stay OR leave?

38

STTA, your smoking hot same-sex soulmate is on that same planet, don't forget. If only we had warp speed, you'd be gaying it up like the gayest gay who ever gayed. Just saying! :)

KWAB, single in your -gasp- mid to late 30s? Fate worse than death, stay with Mr Wrong. Just kidding. The only thing that sounds bad about your first scenario is no friends. Why do you have no friends? Go make some friends! Then you could talk to them about your loser boyfriend, and surely they'd tell you that he makes you miserable and he's emotionally blackmailing you into sticking around. You don't seem to be quite the "intelligent career woman" that you see yourself as if you're falling for this! The two scenarios you describe are not the only possibilities for your future. Dump the guy and get some friends. (You don't mention children, but if you want them, Mr Joyless is surely not your ideal co-parent. You could be a single mother. Again, if you had some friends to help out.)

39

Urgutha @1, I spat my coffee. Gold star!

Poached @5, I don't see that in "He hates society, commercialism, his job, his friends, and I'm pretty sure he really doesn't even like ME that much." I see a stronger possibility of depression. Has she mentioned this to him? Or maybe he's just grouchy, which other women would find endearing.
Also, on second reading: "He gives me the normalcy of having a companion and someone to come home to." Get a dog. Problem solved.

Whirled @16, they were posted at exactly the same moment, by people in two remote galaxies...

Lady @22: Absolutely terrible advice. We all know what's best for kids is to start them out being parented by two people who can't stand each other, make them witness a bitter divorce, then spent several more years being shuttled back and forth between people who badmouth each other constantly. If she wants kids, she should break up with this man and find a sperm donor. If she wants a career and to travel the world, trust this 48-year-old, she will have no shortage of men to share parts of her life with.

Bouncing @29: Yes. She's falsely comparing "alone for the rest of my life" and "THIS man," forgetting that there are a couple billion others out there.
And with that false choice, she already knows the answer. Look how positive her single option is, and she is already all-capping about how she feels stuck in Option 2. Dump the guy. You wanted permission, here it is! Dump him and don't take no for an answer.

EmmaLiz @33, except that a religious fundie wouldn't believe in species evolving on other planets, because God created life on this one only, 10,000 years ago. This is a homophobe who has watched too much sci-fi (and therefore struck me as male, but yes, no way of knowing).

Lava @34: "LW2 didn’t mention wanting kids, how come it’s being suggested she have some." Because she mentioned a fear of being single in her late 30s, and it's not a stretch to think that she might fear being single at this particular part of her life because of fertility concerns. Or not. We all said "if" she wants kids. She could have just seen too many makeup adverts and fear men won't date a woman who has wrinkles. KWAB, word to the wise: they will.

40

If one follows STTA's argument to its logical conclusion, that would mean there is a same-sex soulmate for every one of us heterosexuals too.
But something tells me logic isn't STTA's strong suit.

41

slomopomo @37: Nice catch of the irony there.

42

LW1: Close. There's Captain Jack Harkness for everyone - but he's very busy.

LW2: Why do you think dumping your BF means no friends? Wouldn't you have more time for friends now that your bf's gone?

43

Mr Venn@18; I’ve been trying to work out why you made such an offensive comment. Was it my re reading and appreciating of Lawrence I mentioned to you on another thread, I wonder. His issues with homosexuality being pretty well known.
Or you being devilish, for the sake of it.

44

Ms Lava - Someone of a homophobic disposition wouldn't care about Mr Savage's suddenly turning conservative on home issues. It's reasonable to call LW anti-SS for thinking that everyone's ideal relationship is OS, but that would be setting a very low bar for -phobic, though again I reserve the scarlet H for people like Mrs Court. The bit about other worlds seemed more like you than anyone else of the present company.

Mizz Liz - I suppose that, if cross-examined by Rumpole, Phyllida Erskine Brown or even Mizz Liz Probert, most people would probably be unable to maintain much coherence in their political beliefs. Then again, the most politically coherent people are often the most frightening. LW's vocabulary choices certainly seemed incoherent - the least convoluted solution I could conjure was that the letter was really a masked proposal. Leading with "LGBT" and then going on to "homosexuals and lesbians" came across as both old-fashioned and inconsistent. LW also seemed to trip up in pairing "person you would want to marry of the opposite sex" with "that person would make you happier than any male could" before "That goes for all homosexuals and lesbians." I got this image of LW's deleting as too obvious a sentence to the effect of, "You aren't really homosexual," and then grabbing the H word for a safer sentence.

45

I’m sure the LW knows about her body clock. Why make an issue of it, when she hasn’t mentioned it. Maybe she’s one of those women who is not fussed with motherhood. And to suggest she marry Mr 50%, have babies then divorce him. Way off on a very strange tangent here.
This woman has a good career, and wants to build it up. Good move. As long as she makes time to have fun too. After she dumps Mr Grumpy.

46

Ms Lava @43 - This is only an explanation, and not intended as any sort of excuse. After the recent discussion of Ms Grizelda's letter's actually getting printed, I have occasionally read letters with the perspective of wondering who would most likely have written them if LW were among the assembled company. This letter struck me as a proposal, not as a homophobic rant. The rambling bit of the letter about planets and dimensions did make me think you the least unlikely suspect, as the most astrologically inclined. Then up popped your first comment, and clearly you weren't the LW.

Now on another occasion we might go into other offences or the strength of disagreement in interpretation here. For now I am content to accept that I did not give deep consideration to how you were taking the letter, and apologize for offending.

47

EmmaLiz @33 I'm not sure about cows -- I think their udders may be enlarged due to constant milk production. I've heard from a few sources that humans are the only mammals with permanently enlarged mammary glands, but I suppose I've never seen it in a peer-reviewed context, so I guess I can't be sure. Even if we're not the only mammal, we are certainly the only primates with that feature.

48

There's a strain of newage hippiedom that voted for Donald Trump, believes that women and men have separate roles, and which is condescending to alternatives to being in a straight relationship. That first letter fit precisely into that woo. LW 1 may be in his or her 60s or 70s, part of that generation and that subculture.

As for the second letter writer, older single women generally don't think about how having a partner would make them happier. If LW2 wants a partner, she should be looking among men who love their work as much as she loves hers, otherwise, you can get sucked into his negative attitude about work and success, which can hurt you.

49

Lavagirl, Vennomion is clearly just trying to troll you. Ignore him.

50

@33: “ I think it's unlikely that LW1 has any coherent political ideology at all, Venn. Most people don't, much less most people who are preoccupied by the potential intergalactic soul mates

Mormons are often conservative, though.

51

I'm straight, but I really care about the feelings of homosexuals and even lesbians. And I try to help them. Sometimes they are not aware that sex is only good when it produces babies and sex that doesn't produce babies is bad for you. (Alien hybrids are good too.) I try to help people see what is true and good and important, which is of course their truth. It is true that I feel so very certain of knowing what is right and wrong for them, that this matters more than their feelings.

Oops.

Really,
I think sex is also good to have fun and relax and bond with other people. And that everyone has different values and priorities. And that I should probably not have sex with people who seem to prioritize extraterrestrial exploration over others' happiness, since I value kindness, respectfulness, and other social skills in a lover.

LW2, I think it depends on how you feel, which is not crystal clear. Namely, do you really love him? Do you try to honor your feelings, and support his growth or ask for help while you tell him you love him, and take your distance or ask for help when you don't feel nice towards him? If you feel stuck maybe you can learn to take the distance you need firmly but kindly, day by day, until you are only together in name or your relationship has improved.

Both of you seem to be focused on what you'd like to change about others more than on improving yourselves or asking others for help, blame vs assertiveness. Are either of you good at accepting and appreciating each other and handling conflicts kindly, as well as feeling like you are in love? It's not clear that you've simply asked him to make the behavioral changes that are most important to you, if his behavior makes you feel out of love. If you can't respect his decisions or discuss them respectfully for nearly 50% of the time, maybe you do need to find someone easier for you to love, or make yourself into someone for whom it is easier to care for others.

Yes, the only thing necessary for a break up is one person voicing their decision.. And following through.. But break ups still need to be done reasonably and kindly while respecting everyone's feelings, to be done well. That's what I think is right and good and true.

52

Venn, Scientologists have a religion founded on psychopathic aliens, and isn't the rumor that they are gay conversion therapy for movie stars? I took the "I don't want to make you conservative" part not as meaning they had any opposition to conservative politics but more like an "I'm just sayin'" excuse.

Undead, Had no idea until just now that Mormons believe in aliens. I'm going to run with the LW being a Mormon.

Calli I don't know either and I'm sorry it's udder and not utter since it spoiled my joke. I never got better than a B in spelling. Very brief googling tells me that dairy cows are bred that way, but then instead of reading more, I got sidetracked by pictures of giraffes nursing their young. Imagine knowing that giraffes, amoebas, bees, jelly fish and mushrooms all live on this planet and then assuming there's dicks and pussies across the universe? You know that parasite that eats a fish's tongue and then attaches its body to the original muscle base and replaces it, living inside the fish's mouth for the rest of the its life? Maybe the LW misunderstood and Dan's alien sole mate is like that, a slab of sentient flesh grafting itself on his feet.

53

Scientologist is a likely theory for STTA.

54

Also, KWAB, you may want to note that you've been struggling with this question for almost two years and that you've been with this guy for almost two years. Coincidence? Of course not. This. Isn't. The. Guy. Do you really think of this man as nothing better than your second-worst option compared to dying alone? Do you think he'd be flattered to know that? Break the fuck up, move the fuck on.

55

KWBABFIWRII presents the decision as Manichaean: live with him and his 50-50 happy/sad, or break up and be single and career-focused.

There is a multiplicity of possible choices for her going forward, more than I can list.

A few:

She could choose to try to work things through with the BF. After all, 50% of the time he's not bad, and the other 50% he's not scary or dangerous. She could tell him that she needs things to change if he wants her to remain in his life, and the changes include: whatever she things needs to to change to improve the relationship. Maybe he should go into counseling? Maybe they should go into couples counseling? Maybe something else as well? Whatever it is, she needs to be firm, she needs to set specific and easy-to-understand and -document goals for him and/or them, and stick to them. N.B. Is it possible that she needs to make some changes in her life to make her a better partner? Just a thought.
She could choose to break up with him, then create a life for herself that is not necessarily so career and money focused by herself.
She could choose to break up with him, then create a life for herself that is career and money focused by herself.
She could choose to break up with him, then create a life for herself that is not necessarily so career and money focused, with someone else.
She could choose to break up with him, then create a life for herself that is career and money focused, with someone else.

Etc.

Not only this, but she raises a couple separate yet probably entwined issues: the relationship with him, her work- and money-related drive.

If she does choose to break up, then she gets to make the decision, and she needs to be firm and decisive.

One last idea:

She can set up her boyfriend with one of the space alien women mentioned by the first LW. Or, she could hook up with a space alien man. Or both!

Oh, I agree with @52: I wonder if LW1 is a Scientologist.

56

LW2, you say you already feel stuck, so unstick yourself. You say you're not sure he even likes you that much, then cite his best quality as giving your life normalcy and a sense of stability, so you're even on that score. You say you don't get why he wants you to stay while at the same time asking if you should stay strictly to avoid being single instead. Perhaps he feels the same way.

I love all of Dan's alternate suggestions and I personally chose to choose to do #1 and #2 on Dan's list when I did not feel my life could accommodate a traditional relationship and I have no regrets so far. I think it might be easier to find my extraterrestrial soulmate than to find a partner who fulfills Dan's suggested #3, but who knows, I haven't tried that one.

I do know a couple women who chose the "focus on career" (or other significant time investment) thing and later had fulfilling love relationships and did not seem to regret that choice. Of the women I know who stayed in shitty relationships to avoid being alone, a couple of those partnerships rallied eventually but most broke up anyway eventually.

57

7-- You are so right. I think it was someone commenting on Star Trek and Spock's being the product of a mating between a human and a vulcan who said that there was a greater chance of a successful mating between a human and an artichoke. Why look to other planets for an opposite soulmate? Why not see if there's a nice head of celery that would do the trick? It makes as much sense.

More seriously. Why soulmate? Why not perfect sexmate?

KWABFIWRII wonders if the stigma is still there. The stigma about being 35 and single? Who the hell cares. How about the stigma about being 35 and miserable?

58

Does anyone else think that L1 is a joke? I imagine a bunch of stoned Dan-Fans trying to come up with the most preposterous letter they possibly could think up, all while giggling furiously.
Dan’s advice to Stuck and LW2 should be up there with the Platinum Rule when it comes to Dan’s central theories. I’m going to save it for the future when my children start to enter (and obviously exit) romantic relationships (I might cut out some of the more Varsity references, though, cause I’m kind of a prude).
Lastly, listening to the podcast and want to reiterate that gender reveal parties suck. Besides all the gender issues they could potentially bring up, but mainly just because NO ONE F’ING CARES. How annoying for someone to make guests gather just to elicit the same “yay” or “oh wow” response they would give for either girl or boy. The only gender reveal party I’d want to be at is one where one of the guests loudly blurted out “god-dammit” when the gender was revealed.

59

Does everyone other than me already know the word 'Kakistocracy'?

"A system of government that is run by the worst, least qualified, and/or most unscrupulous citizens."

How could I not know a word that should be the word-of-the-half-century?

If everyone knows it I wanna start using it.

From https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kakistocracy it seems not to derive from caca, but I still want to imagine it does.

60

Curious2 @ 59, yeah, pretty much just you at this point. Sorry.

61

But the real point is, THIS is actually post #62

62

and oh yeah ... Traffic @42, perfect. Yes, there's a Capt. Jack for all of us. He'll get around to you.

63

Women are happier without children or a spouse, says happiness expert: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

Seriously though, I've been in relationships like yours and right after the breakup I was immediately flooded with all the happy memories and wondered if I'd made a horrible mistake. THEN not 24 hours later, I felt like I'd been let out of prison. You WILL experience feelings of regret. (you spent 2 years with this person! Sometimes even people who were abused miss their abusers!) That's normal and to be expected, BUT those feelings of regret do NOT mean you made a mistake. Get out before you waste any more of your life on this looser. And good luck.

64

I would love a househusband. Is there such a thing as a mail-order groom?

...

(KIDDING! KIDDING!)

65

Over to Carole King.. 🎼 “It’s too late baby, now it’s too late. Though we really did try to make it. Something inside has died and I can’t hide and I just can’t fake it. Oh Nooo...”

66

@64 CalliopeMuse
Mail order male?
I bet we can find you one who will pay /you/!

67

EmmaLiz@33 & Calliope@47~ speaking as a lad who grew up on a dairy farm, I can tell you that cows will “dry up” and their udders shrink if you don’t keep them having calves all the time.

68

So it seems we ARE the only mammals with permanent boobs! Sexual selection is a strange beast indeed. Humans with penises who like humans with vaginas sure have unique tastes as far as the animal kingdom is concerned. I'm glad I can safely pull out that factoid once again.

69

And EmmaLiz @33 I would totally pay actual money to see an animated version of your Planet of the Boobs.

70

@64: I know several men who are stay-at-home fathers and husbands, or who spent months or years doing their rotation taking care of the home and children while their wives worked. Men who want to be stay at home fathers, or at least who are willing to do so when the circumstances so warrant, are out there.

71

Fichu @57: Right on. What about the stigma about being only 30something and so desperate you've settled for someone you don't even like?

Vanilla @58: Even if it was a joke, it lightened up the column so hats off to the stoners who came up with it.
And I couldn't agree more about "gender reveal parties." Didn't these used to be called baby showers? What was wrong with those? It's a baby, everyone knows you're having a baby, no one cares about the biological sex of the baby, and indeed the biological sex does not tell you their gender. "Gender reveal parties" sound more like play parties for flashers. End this ridiculousness now.

Calliope @64, given the gender imbalance in China due to the prior "one child" policy, I always thought mail-order husbands from China would be a great business idea. Guess it didn't take off for the reason KathrynLena @63 cites. If women can afford a mail-order husband, they can afford a cleaner and a vibrator. ;)

Calliope @69, I'm sure that planet has featured on Rick and Morty. And congrats on the magic number!

72

@5 & @20 "perhaps LW2’s bf is perpetually bummed out because his gf works long hours"

We don't need to decide who's to blame. They're not a good match; they don't make each other happy. So she should move on, despite not knowing what the future holds.

73

BiDanFan @71 Thanks! And according to my minimal research, there has not been a planet of sentient boobs on Rick and Morty. Do they have a suggestion box? >< ^^

While I find that show hilarious, I just can't watch it because it gives me the strangest unsettling dreams that affect the quality of my sleep. Unfortunate.

74

And are "gender reveal parties" actually a thing? I heard about those and thought someone invented them for a sitcom. People actually do that?! I agree, baby showers are perfectly fine -- and gender neutral, as long as people don't fall into the trap of pink=girls and blue=boys. I've always hated the color pink. Almost everything I own is blue. It's the best color! The ocean! The sky! The ocean!! (I'm more than a little obsessed with the ocean.)

When I worked at B&N, people were always asking me for books for girls, or books for boys, or saying the craft kits weren't for boys or the science kits weren't for girls. It was so depressing, and I had no choice but to keep my mouth shut and find them what they wanted (since I wanted to keep my job).

I just had dinner on Monday at the house of a married gay couple with three kids. There was a picture of one of their daughters wearing a little suit to a wedding, and their son was showing off his most prized stuffed animal, a giant Hello Kitty. It was quite refreshing.

75

The irony of having so many customers so set in their views of gender roles is that there are so many lesbians who work at that store. Only one gay man, but many, many lesbians and bi women (both in the cafe and on the book floor). The store manager (my boss' boss) is a partnered (I don't know if they're married or not) butch lesbian who wears dress shoes and button-down shirts tucked into slacks every day. But the customers are usually like, "I need a dinosaur book for a little boy and a princess book for a little girl. I don't know either of them, but I just assume that's what they want."

76

To reiterate Donny's point @67, the udders of cows (also sheep, goats, etc.) fill with milk shortly before they give birth (it's called "bagging up") and remain that way until the babies are weaned (either naturally, by the mom, or by being taken away, by the farmer). If the animal doesn't have an actively nursing calf/lamb/kid, the udders are far far smaller.

Modernity is weird. Witness that we all know so much about about, ya know, alternate dimensions potentially full of appealing aliens--or, say, what's happening in other countries--and yet don't know about, ya know, udders.

77

@74 CalliopeMuse
"are "gender reveal parties" actually a thing?"

Until I googled this morning I assumed it was a party a trans person gave to came out.

And now I know it's closer to being the opposite. Ugh.

78

Lies, Dan! You went on for months about your singular opposite-sex attraction for a period of the Lovecast, and here's you referencing it yourself a couple years ago - https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/10/30/25529613/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-if-you-were-gay-you-wouldnt-be-so-fragile

Apparently you don't have to leave your city, let alone your planet, to find her. :-P

@15: IIRC (I think this was on an earlish Lovecast episode), Dan has a story for that one - the horse-fucker he interviewed WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY back in the day of his call-in radio show who, when Dan remembered to ask at the end of the interview whether it was a boy horse or girl horse, audibly puffed himself up and responded, "SIR! I am NOT a homosexual!"

I think it was Dan; I'm not sure who else it would have been, and I'm pretty sure I didn't make it up, but my interweb searching is just giving me lots of unfortunate porn links I don't want to sift through, unlike when I was looking for a "Dan Savage lesbian firefighter" reference.

79

I thank Dr. Lawrence for His restoration of my marriage. After being separated for a few months, my husband has left the other woman and returned home to me. We are working to better our marriage. Dr. Lawrence is good. Continue to keep us in your prayers because I know the journey ahead will not be an easy one.” Drlawrencespelltemple {AT}hot mail com Whats-app + 1{305{203}1297