LW sounds biphobic AF. If anything, her boyfriend is the one who should "move on" (whether or not he's bi - bigotry is never a good look on anyone).

Question for the commentariat: Although, I realize THIS guy just needed some butt play, what recreational drug completely kills boners? ("he was partying, if you know what I mean")

ASSCAFE, you may want to believe that you are a sexually experienced adult, but your expectations concerning male sexual response suggest otherwise. First, eating pussy and sucking on breasts is definitely fun and arousing, but why do you think men are going to become erect from stimulating you? Sure, for a woman being aroused will lead her to become wet, but that doesn't imply men should become erect without being stimulated. Even the second time you and your partner were together, he was eating your pussy, but you were providing him no stimulation. Nonetheless, you jumps to the conclusion that maybe he need Viagra. Indeed, you were confused when he said no. Only when you directly stimulated his penis with your mouth did he become erect. Didn't that clue you in?

ASSCAFE, perhaps the rimming and anal play were critical to his arousal, but the reality is that you have been operating under the erroneous assumption that being naked and allowing a man access to your body is enough for him to become erect enough for sex without you having to do any manual or oral stimulation of his penis. That is just wrong, and if anyone in this story should have been dumped it was you. You sound really lazy around foreplay.

As an aside, I was with a woman like this once, and it is really flabbergasting to be told you must be addicted to porn or gay if you cannot become erect spontaneously because your sex partner is naked. And in my case, she quit after 3 seconds of oral sex after receiving for the 25 minutes it took her to orgasm.

@2 It's hard to say, but I've known guys who couldn't get hard on E.

@1 she doesn't sound biphobic to me, she sounds American.

@2 alcohol for nearly everyone, and cocaine for some people and both known flacciditators.

@2, 'Partying' is code for meth, which does inhibit erections. That's one of the reasons why I don't go near any idiots dumb enough to do it.

What SA, men don’t get aroused fingering us? It does depend on context.
Sure, she took a while to get around to attending him, sucking his cock. He didn’t get hard until she licked his arse etc.
All good, LW, this means the man enjoys having his prostrate stimulated and has nothing to do with his orientation.
I thought this was a golden oldie, but no.

I legitimately LOL’d at #9

2 Alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy, meth, pills heroine basically most drugs. Some are worse than others. The older you get the worse it becomes. Ecstasy was a great drug to fuck for hours on up until my late 20s. After that it was hard to get and keep an erection while peaking. Went from my favorite drug to no longer taking it.

Marijuana results in catastrophic boner malfunction for some. Ahem.
At least, that's what a friend told me...

@13 There are studies that try to prove that Cannabis can lead to ED there maybe some people that is true with. Just like they also claim daily use will make a man unable to orgasm.

I know that to be false for me but I'm not everyone so maybe it's true for 1 in 10 million men.

Just so you know Coke (the soda) paid for studies that prove that you can drink or eat as much as you can and all you need is exercise to remain at a healthy weight. Review the study before accepting their views because often times they are biased by money (let's be blunt in either direction sometimes the bias works for you... somtimes it doesn't)

@2: IME, e and acid are both pretty hit-and-miss when it comes to erections. I've never (been around a man who) experienced that on pot or cocaine or meth, but who knows, everybody's different.

Another component might be his ability to relax around LW. She admits to resorting to admonishment which is a sure-fire boner killer. Could be that the rimming took the pressure off as much as it is "his thing."

And lolz to @9 and yes to @3's first paragraph.

Also, "coke dick" is a common saying after all, but I don't think that's what's going on here.

So is there yet another euphemistic meaning of "party" I have to learn, or does LW know as little about slang and/or drugs as sexuality? I'm famliar with "party" as an euphemism for both sex work and the use of some "party" or "club" drugs (MDMA, methamphetamine), none of which are inherently linked to erectile dysfunction (inability to orgasm is a common side effect of drugs that mess with serotonin, not so much erectile dysfunction; if anything, alcohol is a more common/likely culprit, though, that, too, is more likely to inhibit orgasm than erection).

At any rate, the only problem here is the common myth that men are always interested in PIV sex, that it's the preferred sexual activity if all (straight) men, and that a lack of an erection is some kind of referendum on their partner(s) or sexuality. Which is even less reasonable when we consider the involvement of psychoactive drugs (whether they do, in fact, commonly result is sexual dysfunction or not).

You know, after my doctor jams his fingers up my ass to tickle my prostate, with rubber gloves of course, he also washes his hands and uses hand sanitizer.

Apparently he knows something about assholes that these folks don't.

@18~ Troll-la-la... What the hell did that have to do with the price of tea in China?

Yes @16, Dougsf; I can imagine erections might suffer if someone is demanding, ‘do you need Viagra. Can you hear me, Do You Need Viagra?’
LW, this man might be into fucking men too, though that would have nothing to do with him being aroused and turned on by butt play.
Prostrate, look it up and educate yourself about cis male bodies.

@19

"What the hell did that have to do with the price of tea in China?"

Just use hand sanitizer please.

@12 drew81
"basically most drugs"
@16 Dougsf
""coke dick""

IJWTS that with some drugs, coke for example, the effect upon dicks tends to move from positive to negative as it wears off. In other words, the high isn't the only thing that crashes, but also the ability to maintain erections.

I'm just saying that unlike alcohol, it's coming down off some drugs that negatively affects erections, not the high on them. In other words, fuck first(1)! (Er, before the affect peaks.)

From what I've tried, I'm guessing stimulating drugs have this pre-peak positive period, and I'm guessing depressants like alcohol don't.

(1)Like Dan says about Valentine's Day.

@13 ctmcmull
"Marijuana results in catastrophic boner malfunction for some."

Interesting. I think that's quite uncommon indeed.

The letter writer sounds like an idiot

@10/LavaGirl: As I noted @3, men will become sexually aroused fingering a woman, but not necessarily and probably often, not erect. Yes, a man can be aroused and sexually turned on without having an erection. Grown men are not teenage boys who get hard with every stray thought of sex.

@20/LavaGirl: "Prostrate, look it up and educate yourself about cis male bodies." If you read ASSCAFE's letter she writes, "Then I decided to lick his ass and—BOOM—he's hard!" ASSCAFE must have an incredibly long tongue to reach his prostate. And while having one's balls and ass licked feels really good, and for some prostate stimulation, but for men generally the only thing that is going to get and keep them erect is direct stimulation of their penis.

Sorry SA. Bum hole then. Look up bum hole.
I asked you guys before to explain further.
I just know men like it, I don’t need to know why.

Individuals may vary, SA. He may have eroticised his arsehole a lot, this woman sits there while he looks after her needs.. then she lays him down and sucks his cock. Nothing! Asks if he has problems, needs pills.. Still nothing! Then she surprises the hell out of him by licking his arse. Surprised This Woman Had It In Her, erection.

I still don’t know why men have Adam’s apples. They are a mystery to me, with their growing and shrinking appendages and apples in their throats.

It may not have occurred to LW (who, well, sounds like an idiot), but straight guys have assholes too. We may not have a clitoris, but we still have enough nerve endings there to make it pleasurable. And speaking for myself, as a straight guy, what makes it pleasurable for me is when a WOMAN is playing around down there.
FWIW, my wife doesn't like to be penetrated anally, (she's game to please me), but being touched/caressed there while I'm eating her out gives her an immediate orgasm.
So, maybe the LW should rethink her position on this, on him and herself.

@2 One of the things that put me off from acid (which seemed to be mostly amphetamine back in the day?) was the way it would make me dick shrivel up to a tiny hard nugget. Worse than being in freezing water. There was no way my dick would work on acid.
I had a great time on MDMA, the one time my GF and I tried it.

I think this letter is fake, you can’t ride a man with your fingers in his arse, unless your arms are really really long. Wouldn’t be able to do much riding.
Least they spelt come right.

Is this possible with reverse cowgirl.
/ Seems off this letter, a mocking tone. A homophobe trickster wrote this.

Re: partying: yup, for lots of mood-altering substances, 'it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.' That being said, as much as it pains me to agree with Dadddy on anything, he is right @9: assuming a guy is gay because he likes butt stuff done to him is like assuming a woman is gay because she likes being eaten out. It's just nerve endings - you don't have different nerves in different places depending on your sexual orientation.

Lava @30: good point. Maybe reverse cowgirl and he had his legs bent and knees up?

Yes traffic, with a pillow or two under his arse, lower back. Like with cowgirl, pillow/s under the man’s shoulders/ head, gives him leverage.

Up @1, word. She's told him she doesn't want to see him again. I hope he moves on.

David @2: Speed, MDMA, cocaine, probably more that have made an appearance since I stopped "partying." These drugs affect some men's erections but not others'.

Sublime @3: "why do you think men are going to become erect from stimulating you?" Because most men under 40 at least can become erect just by thinking about sex. I wouldn't be at all surprised if, even if her number is high, the percentage of men who've been hard while going down on her -- BEFORE going down on her -- has, up to this one, been 100. That said, though, you're correct that women should handle exceptions more gracefully than ASSCAFE and the woman you dated. Both you and her now-ex are well rid.

Dadddy @8, sometimes you find the perfect comment. Well done. Guess "partying" impairs one's judgement when it comes to partners... who knew? -eye roll-

Lava @10, I too thought this must be a rerun since "he likes ass play, is he gay?" should have been completely debunked decades ago.

Lava @30, it's possible to be on top of a man, reach around behind yourself and stick your finger in his arse.

Also, I just noticed the headline. "Sexy Dude." She never said he was sexy. I agree with those who say this LW is biphobic and an idiot. Meth-head or not, the guy is better off without someone like her.

Yes Fan, I see that’s possible. You’d be doing a canter rather than a gallop.

Unless he moved at the same pace. Good workout all round.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=high-bi

@34/BiDanFan: No, 100 percent of men will not become fully erect simply by eating pussy or being with a naked woman offering sex. We have even had questions on this topic before, including a letter from Fragile Male Egos, the young female letter writer convinced that her direct nature in bed specifying the things she wanted from men was inhibiting their erections. And anyone attending a swinger party can attest to a significant number of men trying to get erect enough to put on a condom in front of a naked woman very willing to have sex with them.

Similarly, I have had more than one sex partner space out when we switched positions to enable her to get on top, who couldn’t seem to understand why not engaging in any stimulation might be an issue in maintaining an erection.

Bottom line, men aren’t machines, and the importance of foreplay goes both ways.

@38: ASSCAFE’s personal experience may have been 100 percent of guys getting erect (although there may very well have been some self helping going on too). But ASSCAFE still wasn’t sexually knowledgeable enough to know the importance of foreplay. And really that is no better than any man thinking every woman should orgasm from vaginal sex.

Sublime @38, I didn't say that, I said there was a good chance that 100 percent -of the men that she had been with up til now- had been able to be erect while going down on her. Hence her surprise that this guy wasn't. Agreed, women should not expect that an erection is a given and that they should be willing to lend a hand, or a mouth, and not take it personally if it doesn't happen.

@27 LavaGirl
"I still don’t know why men have Adam’s apples."

I really don't know either. Or even whether by "why" you mean the cause or the purpose. But I think they're from higher male levels of testosterone enlarging the vocal cords. And I'm thinking they're for what IIRC is called a display of aggression.

@41 p.s.
By "display of aggression" I meant speaking/shouting with a deep voice.

Sorry Sublime, I didn't see @39 before I replied to @38, in which you got my meaning :)

SA, I've found that for the majority of men I've had sex with, by the time I reach for their zipper, they're hard. And if we're talking about the first couple of times we've had sex, (as opposed to long-term partners) that would upgrade to vast majority.

So, it's not odd that a woman - especially one who is young and not all that experienced, as this LW sounds - would think it strange for a man not to be hard while engaged in sexual play; she may just not have encountered any men who require direct and focused stimulation yet.

Of all the stupid things she says in this letter, that's one of the lesser stupidities, I'd say. Her reaction to not seeing an erection, now THAT'S really stupid.

' "Everyone will say, 'oh he's not gay...' " '--

Everyone will only say that if you retail the amazing story about the gallon-loads of cum when you stuck your finger up his crack--retail it like sell it wholesale.... Did you enjoy the sex? Tell him he can't see men if he's bi as you want to be exclusive--and carry on dating him.

@Everyone else. Knock off knocking this lady for her ignorance. This is a funny story. She sounds a great lover.

'Vaginas make great closets'--this to me is the winning line. Mine is done up as such. My vagina! My closet! Walk-in purple. I'm joking!

I do not have a penis, but if I did, and fairly new partner asked me in the middle of sex if I needed Viagra, I’m pretty sure that would damn near guarantee I would not get an erection.

Beedeetee @48, gold star.

M?? Harriet - LW does not qualify.

She sounds a selfish lover, Harriet. And a clueless one. Asking a man mid sex if he needs viagra.

@50. Venn. Qualify for what?

@51. Lava. That was the clueless part. But still not that clueless, in that she pauses to ask whether anything's wrong. Then when his dick shows signs of life, she shows it attention (generous) and when she's getting somewhere, she goes straight to what aroused him last time (ass-stimulation). So I think 'pretty good'.

She clearly knows nothing about queers--gay or bi men; hasn't come into contact with them (us) and makes wild stabs at recognising them. But I wouldn't want to live in a world where all the sexual minorities and sophisticates huddled in the cities, or their own enclaves, and all the inexperienced, not-bigoted people never met them, in the bedroom or anywhere else. I don't think you would either--? Incomparably the best answer to her has been Dan Savage's--in that he just answered her questions.

@48. Beedeetee. That happened to me near-constantly (the asking whether I was enjoying it, not whether I needed Viagra) and it meant nothing; sometimes the sex went on to be fantastically good. Young people tend to equate 'flaccid dick = lack of sexual interest' in hookups--but when told 'no, it doesn't mean that' can often quickly get over it.

Harriet, let’s stick to the clues. He attends to her, she sits/ lies enjoying the attention, and by inference does nothing. LaDeDa Lady, then lies him down.. What, is this a Drs surgery?.. and starts sucking him. Even before she opens her mouth about Viagra, she’s shown herself to be a selfish and unimaginative lover. It’s a fake. All of it. Whoever wrote it did so to express their bigotry. Or if it isn’t a fake this woman is, as others have said, an idiot.

@47 I would estimate that LW represents maybe 2/3rds of people in their beliefs. I've never been reliably able to finish (sorry, what I mean is I have amazing stamina) and been accused of being gay by multiple partners even immediately after an hour long fuck. Seriously, a LOT of women will presume you are gay if you deviate from that Standard Straight Male script any bit whatsoever.

"I've never been reliably able to finish (sorry, what I mean is I have amazing stamina)"

I can if I choose go for a long time too. Is it common to not be able to cum sooner if one wishes?

Don’t know if any of us can order up an orgasm, curious. Though guess there are some who can.
I thought S was talking about holding back his orgasm to make it a longer fuck. Then it goes awol. What would I know.
That’s why so many men wear loose pants, because of surprise erections. That must be difficult when you’re out and about, and bam, the little beggar starts to stir. Men do have hardships which are so different to us women.

... so different to the hardships of us women.

@56 Well, I think, from when I want to finish the job, it takes me another 5/10/15mins to get there. When I was young, that process would start after 30-45 minutes; at my age now, I start trying to finish quite a bit sooner. So there is some control, but I'm never repressing my own orgasms in order to last.

@57 LavaGirl
"Don’t know if any of us can order up an orgasm."

I bet it's pretty common for guys to be able to decide whether to keep on moving down the freeway, or to take an offramp (which will enable one to cum in say 5/10 minutes).

p.s. The mechanics of this offramp-taking are finding and following rhythms that highten one's level of arousal.

@62 cockyballsup
"Antidepressants and stimulants (such as ADD drugs)...seem almost de rigueur for young men to be on these days"

Wow that is bad news; I'm all for those meds for those who really need them, and I know that depression and ADD are present in a significant percent of the population, but I'm skeptical that so many do that it needs to be "almost de rigueur".
I've long thought that the medical community too often operates as a marketing arm of the pharmaceutical industry.

"Low testosterone, an increasing problem in men"

Any ideas why the population's testosterone levels are decreasing? (I seem to recall reading something about hormones in the meat supply.)

"psychogenic...a pressure to perform, either self-inflicted or by a partner, causes worry about performance that destroy arousal"

That is so very concerning; I urge people to be proactive to address this kind of thing before it snowballs into becoming more difficult to surmount.

I’m more than happy to be told I’m way off base here, but the language used in the letter came off as a non-native English-speaker rather than someone who is really just that ignorant/clueless/dim. (ie, if someone were to read it aloud conversationally to me, I would suppose it was either written by a child or a non-native speaker based on diction and tonal indicators.)

The only reason I am adding this comment is that if my initial itch is correct, it could indicate cultural differences that would possibly explain LW’s bizarrely naive take on the situation.

Just early morning thoughts from someone who has read these comments sections avidly for a decade now.

@64 ThursdayFae
I think you're right that there are indications English isn't ASSCAFE's first language. Thanks for the interesting slant on the letter!

@59 Sporty - men, by self report and internationally, last about 3-4 minutes w PIV. So you can see why many of the women you have been with were surprised and grasping for an explanation. Easy enough to get ahead of it by explaining in advance, rather than let them be increasingly concerned over 45+ minutes, likely with some is he not attracted to me thrown in.

@66 it's still inappropriate to leap towards "gay" or "not attracted". MOST women can orgasm through PIV - and if they don't, I'm not going to be the one to "grasp for an explanation" - the explanation is that people are different and achieving orgasm is complex.

And trust me, I've done explained it in advance many times - it has no, I repeat NO impact. It's probably like telling a guy that you've never had an orgasm through PIV, they become orgasm hunters. Most women assume its a set-up line to make them feel better when I do get off. But nope!

"Almost 80% of women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex"(1)
"Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse."(2)
"18 percent of women...said that vaginal penetration alone was enough to come..."(3)
"...U.S. women...slightly more than 18 percent reported they orgasmed from intercourse alone."(4)
"About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone"(5)

(1)https://metro.co.uk/2017/09/21/almost-80-of-women-dont-orgasm-from-penetrative-sex-6945941/
(2)https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic
(3)https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/neepb8/the-science-of-female-pleasure-still-needs-more-attention
(4)https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna983311
(5)https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289

@68 "reliably" - ~70%-80% of women don't always orgasm from penetrative sex. But most have at least once.

"About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone" https://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/sex-study-female-orgasm-eludes-majority-women/story?id=8485289

@70 I take it you didn't actually read your own links

Sportlandia, we usually don't address each other...probably because when we do we don't communicate well, for example:

One:
@67 you post "MOST women can orgasm through PIV"

Being a Savage Love reader I think I know otherwise, so @68 I quote a news story saying "About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone".

Then @69 you say you said "reliably"...and you did, but /not/ in @67...and not WRT women: you said "reliably" @55 about yourself!

Two:
In prior months, we did try a few interactions with each other. Each interaction had a similar pattern. First we went back and forth a few times; in each response I saw you misunderstand what I had written. I'd say I thought this, you'd insult me, I'd insult you back, then you'd send a reply quite full of swear words.

In neither of these examples were we really communicating well. I of course have no idea why they went this way.

In example One, did you mean something like "I should have added "reliably""? Or were you reluctant to admit you hadn't (perhaps because you knew most readers wouldn't know) used the word "reliably" to modify that sentence about women? Perhaps because (understandably, since we've gotten along quite poorly) you see these interactions not as logical debates, but as opportunities to fight?

In the patterns of example Two, maybe those too are being treated as opportunities to fight. I know I really don't want to do that. I'd really like to be able to have a logical debate (instead of an illogical fight) when I interact with people, but the pattern of misunderstanding me I mentioned in example Two really makes that impossible, because you're not talking to me, you're talking to words you put in my mouth (aka straw men).

Or maybe you're not trying to fight. Maybe you just think very differently than I do, or maybe you don't always take the time or have an interest in conducting a logical interaction?

Maybe this all sounds backwards to you. After all I see you claiming (once more) in a more-recent thread that BiDanFan misread /you/. As I noticed you mention in another recent thread, when one thinks everyone does something to them, maybe it's not everyone, maybe it's them?

@71 Sportlandia
"I take it you didn't actually read your own links"

This is true, I just pulled those quotes from them.

@72 I think it's clear that @69 is "clarifying". I'm aware most women don't always orgasm from PIV, but it's besides the point: My argument was that's inappropriate to leap from "didn't orgasm" to some fantastical explanation (such as, "i guess he's gay") - there's really no reason to leap towards any explanation.

And FWIW, I don't insult anyone that doesn't insult me first. I don't recall whatever particular conversation you're referencing, because other than a few regular posters, I don't remember names or avatars all that well.