I need your help. I have entered into a period of my life where I am devoting all my mental resources toward my academics—grad school—and am not interested in dating. Thus, I bought a Real Doll so that I may enjoy fantastic masturbation during this loveless period. Unfortunately, while my parents were visiting, my mom discovered it and she reacted very, very badly. You see, my dear mother is a feminist and she is very upset by the doll and believes that it is an indication that I have lost all respect for women. I do not feel this is true. I view myself as a feminist, and I realize this society sexually objectifies women. But I also believe that I can masturbate with a rubber woman and have wild fantasies and then come back to reality and respect everyone—men, women, others. My mother, however, is extremely upset, and we haven't been able to have a civil conversation since. I am hoping you can possibly give me some perspective.

Dolled Up

My perspective: Your masturbatory routines—including your masturbatory aids/aides—are none of your mother's fucking business. And if your mother wants to be shocked by something, DU, it ought to be that her son-the-grad- student had $5K to plunk down on a sex toy.

Your options at this stage are pretty limited. You can apologize to your mother and tell her what she wants to hear ("You're right, Mom, I'm making an appointment with a therapist and donating my Real Doll to sex-starved grad students in Africa..."). Or you can tell your mother to fuck off and butt out ("It's my dick, Mom, and I'll stick it in whatever I want. You remember that 'my body, my choice' stuff, right?").

That said, DU, your claim that you bought a Real Doll so you could "enjoy fantastic masturbation during this loveless period" doesn't quite pass the smell-of-day-old-spunk-moldering-in-the-lifeless-orifice-of-a-silicone-dummy test. Most guys manage to tough out their loveless periods with the help of the porn industry and their own right hands. And most guys who opt for insanely expensive, life-size, hard-to-hide sex dolls do have issues with women—most are plagued by feelings of inadequacy, not superiority—so you may want to entertain the possibility that your mother might be right.

But even if you do have issues with women—still an if—they're still none of your mother's fucking business.

Originally published May 20, 2010.


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