He says hes running for governor. Well see if he files the paperwork.
He says he's running for governor. We'll see if he files the paperwork. Lester Black

Eyman running for gov??? He says he's serious. Can you imagine? Shock jock Seahawks guy Dori Monson, gun nut Phil Fortunato, some guy who looks like he runs a youth group, and chair thief Tim Eyman all running to challenge two-term incumbent Jay Inslee? 2020 is going to be fucking insane. RICH SMITH

Look, this news is from yesterday but it's important: Here's where you can find the best Australian meat pies in Seattle. CHASE BURNS

The RNC Dropped $100,000: Just to get Baby Don's Triggered on the top of the New York Times bestseller list. The move speaks to the particular marketing genius the Trumps have perfected for years: fake. Here's the only review of the book you need to read, courtesy of Ashley Feinberg, "This particular cash grab, though, transcends the ordinary campaign-publishing vanity project. It’s the work of an author so nakedly self-conscious—or so in need of self-soothing—he constantly breaks off his message to assure the reader he’s proud, confident, and doing fine." RS

Some impeachment hearing updates for the day: Former National Security Council official Fiona Hill and State Department official David Holmes testified today. Fiona Hill is a fucking badass. Read part of her statements here, where she read Republicans to filth for pushing Russian propaganda to reach domestic political goals. Meanwhile, looney Lindsay Graham has launched a probe into the Bidens. Great, good, fine, let's see what we find there, sir. Have you called your old best friend John's daughter Meghan recently? I think she's still mad at you. CB

The MORE Act passed a congressional committee: This is a big deal, as the act would "not just put an end to federal marijuana prohibition, but address the countless harms our prohibitionist policies have wrought." There's a whole host of great things the act would do if passed, more here. CB

Biden fucking sucks:

It's difficult to write Slog PM at the moment: Because Stranger philosopher-in-residence Charles Mudede and El Presidente de EverOut Tim Keck are in the middle of the newsroom having an insightful conversation about writing. "You have to breathe fresh life into this monotonous thing, that is the sea," Mudede said, using the sea as a metaphor for language. "It's a hustle of bad sentences," he added after a moment of thought. Keck agreed, saying that writing takes him forever, even if it's "only like 10 words." Mudede nods, "Writing short is actually much harder," he continued, saying that writing long is actually a good strategy for generating new ideas, revealing arguments that seem to come from the language itself. Now Keck and Mudede are praising the work of Steve Humphrey: A great writer at The Portland Mercury. RS

Speaking of good writing: Seattle is being treated to some very fine readings this week and weekend. Tonight, the wonderfully weird and wise Mary Ruefle will read from her new book of poems, Dunce, from sorta Seattle-based Wave Books, for Seattle Arts and Lectures at the Broadway Performance Hall. On Friday at Elliott Bay Books, poet Tommy Pico will surely deliver a gut-busting reading of his new book-length poem, Feed, which will no doubt nourish parts of your soul that you didn't even know you had. You may as well pitch a tent at Elliott Bay and wait for Ben Lerner to stroll in on Saturday evening with his new work of autofiction, The Topeka School. I thought the book was excellent, and I think you will, too. RS

What do you think is going on with Smooth Bernie? Look, conspiracy theories are bad but this one is pretty fun. CB

Snowboarding legend dies: His name was Jake Burton Carpenter. I've never met a sport I liked, but a lot of people seem upset about this guy's passing. Pour one out for Jake. Oooooh. BURTON. Jake BURTON. Like the SNOWBOARDS. He's the guy who founded the Burton snowboards! A big deal!!! CB

Pour another one out for the viaduct: The last piece of the viaduct came down today. A little Christmas tree was put on the pillar to kitschily commemorate the moment. CB

Wait, let's get back to Fiona Hill: The Guardian is calling her a "heroine of our time." George Conway said he was starting a Fiona Hill fan club. Politico's chief called her a national treasure. But seriously, her testimony was stellar. CB

Independents are turning against impeachment: "This is the second poll this week to show voters are increasingly likely to oppose impeachment, despite wall-to-wall media coverage of the House hearings that have produced bombshell testimony about how Trump threatened to withhold financial aid to Ukraine if the country did not open an investigation into former Vice President Joe Biden, a top contender for the Democratic presidential nomination," according to The Hill. Theory: "Independents," who aren't as politically engaged as people who identify as democrats or republicans, have bought the line that the President bribing a foreign country for his own personal gain isn't an impeachable offense, despite the fact that it absolutely is, because "Independents" don't understand foreign policy norms. RS

This woman's "Humans of New York" profile really broke the internet today: Read the caption. It starts out sorta normal and then it goes some wild places. I thought there was just one post but no, no, no—there are three. Read to the end. I especially love the line "She was like the Internet—could get you anything you wanted." CB

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“My mom threw me out of the house at seventeen for getting pregnant, then had me arrested when I tried to get my clothes. Then she fucked the head of parole to try to keep me in jail. She was some prime pussy back then. But the warden did some tests on me and found out I was smart, so I got a scholarship to go anywhere in New York. I chose the Fashion Institute of Technology, which I hated. But by that time I was already getting work making costumes for the strippers and porn stars in Times Square. All my friends were gay people, because they never judged me. All I did was gay bars: drag queen contests, Crisco Disco, I loved the whole scene. And I couldn’t get enough of the costumes. My friend Paris used to sit at the bar and sell stolen clothes from Bergdorf and Lord and Taylors, back before they had sensor tags. So I had the best wardrobe: mink coats, 5 inch heels, stockings with seams up the back. I looked like a drag queen, honey. One night a Hasidic rabbi tried to pick me up because he thought I was a tranny. I had to tell him: ‘Baby, this is real fish!”

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“My stripper name was Tanqueray. Back in the seventies I was the only black girl making white girl money. I danced in so many mob clubs that I learned Italian. Black girls weren’t even allowed in some of these places. Nothing but guidos with their pinky rings and the one long fingernail they used for cocaine. I even did a full twenty minutes in the place they filmed Saturday Night Fever. But I made my real money on the road. Three grand on some trips. Every time Fort Dix had their pay day, they’d bring me in as a feature and call me ‘Ms. Black Universe’ or some shit like that. I had this magic trick where I’d put baby bottle tops on my nipples and squirt real milk, then I’d pull a cherry out of my G-string and feed it to the guy in the front row. But I never used dildos on stage or any shit like that. Never fucked the booking agents. Never fucked the clients. In fact, one night after a show, I caught another dancer sneaking off to the Tate Hotel with our biggest tipper. Not allowed. So the next night we put a little itching powder in her G-string. Boy did she put on a show that night. Didn’t see her again until ‘The Longest Yard’ with Burt Reynolds. So I guess she finally fucked the right one.”

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“The scene was different back then. All the adult clubs were mob controlled. It all flowed up to some guy named Matty The Horse. Honestly the mob guys never bothered me. They were cool, and I liked how they dressed. They wore custom made suits. And they went to hair stylists, not barbers. These guys wouldn’t even let you touch their hair when you were fucking them. Not that I ever fucked them. Because I never turned tricks. Well, except for one time. I took a job from this woman named Madame Blanche. She controlled all the high dollar prostitutes back then. She was like the Internet— could get you anything you wanted. And all the powerful men came to her because she never talked. She set me up with a department store magnate who wanted a black girl dressed like a maid. I thought I could do it. But when I got to his hotel room, he wanted to spank me with a real belt. So that was it for me. I was done. But Madame Blanche set my best friend Vicki up with The President every time he came to New York. And don’t you dare write his name cause I can’t afford the lawyers. But he’d always spend an hour with her. He’d send a car to pick her up, bring her to his hotel room, put a Secret Service agent in front of the door, and get this: all he ever did was eat her pussy!”

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