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My husband left me for a woman who was a friend of mine, completely abandoning me and the kids in the process. The kids and I have scraped together a way to live, and are actually loving our new life, although it would have been nice to have any support at all from my ex. My ex-husband has recently been reaching out to me that he wants to be friends, have lunch, collaborate about the kids, etc., and/but I’m still mad at him. What do I do?

Seeking Pointers On Understanding Shitty Ex

Have you told him you're still mad at him? If not, tell him. I imagine your kids are still pretty furious too. Being blunt about your anger doesn’t preclude having a better relationship with your ex-husband going forward—in fact, you won’t be able to forge a better relationship with him in the future, have lunch without flipping tables over, collaborate on the kids, etc., until you've expressed your anger. He obviously owes you and your kids a huge and utterly abject apology for abandoning you. — Dan

Thank you for your response! After processing my initial fangirl heart attack over getting an email from you, I’m pondering seriously what you’re saying. So far I've just been giving him the cold shoulder. I guess if I go ahead and tell him I’m still mad then it’s up to him whether he wants to repair our relationship or not; if he owns his shit we can actually try to repair our relationship and be more cordial. If he doesn't, well, then at least I don’t have to wonder whether he’s the narcissistic prick I thought he was. I'll know. Thank you thank you thank you. — SPOUSE

I'm gonna give your ex-husband the benefit of the gravest of doubts here… but he may be reading your cold shoulder as a sign that this subject—running off with your friend, disappearing on you, the way he left you and his kids to fend for yourselves—isn't something you want to address. He may think (or he may have self-servingly convinced himself) that he's being respectful of your feelings by not bringing any of this shit up and/or by not offering you the abject apology he knows you deserve. It’s also possible that your shoulder isn’t as cold as you think it is or that he’s just as selfish, dense, narcissistic, and insufferable as his past actions would seem to indicate. Whatever the case may be, SPOOUS, don’t send signals. Make statements. — Dan

Good idea. I think I’m questioning whether I really want to have any communications with him and if it's even possible. But you’re right. Thank you! — SPOUSE

You obviously don't have to communicate with your ex or have anything to do with him at all—beyond what's legally required by your custody agreement, of course. But if you are going to communicate with him with an eye toward a more cordial working relationship, you need start in an honest place. Start with your anger, appropriately but unambiguously expressed. Use your words, not your shoulders. — Dan


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