I've always heard lesbians use turkey basters for their DIY artificial insemination needs. A needle-less syringe does sound like a better idea.

(For the LW in question, though, I don't know if having a baby with that dude is a great idea. I think that came up in the original thread.)

@1: I think it's referred to as the Turkey Baster method. Only in Ballard do they actually use them for this purpose.

@1/CalliopeMuse: This isn't just rumor. I studied a family court case from California, which a gay man was sued by a lesbian for child support payments. According to the allegations in the complaint, they used a turkey baster. The court didn't care how the baby was produced, only that a human being was created.

I believe you are studying science, so I am sure you recognize that to make this practical, the semen will need to be suspended in liquid that can be flushed up the woman's vaginal canal. I presume there is a bit of trial-and-error in the process, but I suspect that a bit of distilled water that one might use in a laboratory would work.

I saw my name first up and thought hang about, what have I done now! Thank you LW for your vote of support, I think we are a pretty good team. Even the strays, live and learn. And Dan, hugs are full of some feel good hormone, so you might not want the hug, I’ll send you the hormone. I love you, you’re the Man.

I would be honoured to guest write a column while Dan is away! Thank you, reader, for the vote of confidence!

And speaking of confidence, there are indeed ways to confidently ask for a kiss. Do not ask as if you expect the answer to be no, or as if you're asking for a favour. Do not confuse asking with begging. Ask flirtatiously. As Dan says, it can be sexy. "May I kiss you?" "I would love to kiss you now." LW, go back and read the comments on that letter: every single woman who commented endorsed the "ask for a kiss" strategy; only straight men opined that women wouldn't want to be asked, and clearly women are the better judges of what women want? You'd think? The other point is that if a woman has such toxic-masculinity ideas that she'd find a guy "unmasculine" for asking for a kiss, you're better off dodging that bullet anyway, so win/win.

And congratulations to the newly poly woman for writing in, and thanks Dan for publishing the proof that poly does not in fact inevitably result in disaster.

How about, "Wanna make out?"

Basically what the women on the thread were saying was that if she wants to kiss you, she won't be put off either by verbal or non-verbal asking, but if she doesn't want to kiss you, lunging in will be awkward at best and Me Too-ey at worst, so it's better to ask.

I was recently asked at the end of a first date, " may I kiss you goodnight" and it impressed me so much. First and
most importantly because it demonstrated a clear understanding of consent, also it was extremely polite and thirdly I found it very romantic. I felt it demonstrated extreme confidence as well. This dude is now up to date number 4.

Yeah, sign me up. Be honoured to help Dan, so you guys can go on a free from writing SavageLove, holiday.

Bus blowjobs? I don’t think so. Trains maybe, some of those old style trains, with lots of separate carriages, draw the blinds.
Of the zipless fuck fame.

What does CTMFA stand for? I know ITMFA but I can’t figure out a C word to sub in.

@11/Philosopher Queen: Convict. The House of Representative votes to impeach the president, but it is then the Senate, sitting as a jury that decides whether to convict, and thereby remove the president from office. The Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court will act as a judge, although the precise nature of that rule is a bit murky.

On the subject of commenters, it seems about 97% of the comments are consistently from the 15 to 20 commenters. A very small community although Dan’s readership must be substantial. I’d like to hear from the people who don’t comment why they don’t. Or maybe they don’t read the comments. That would be too bad, they miss half the fun that way.

Dan, you must have google analytics. Can you tell what percentage of people who read the column or the slotd click on the comments?

@13 Because I forgot my password.

@13, I 'd say it's probably because most people have learned to never read the comments on the internet - comment sections are often a cross between a hellhole and a toilet.

And that's a shame because there are some great comment sections out there, you've just got to be brave enough to search for them.

The discussion about confidence and asking for a kiss is missing an important factor: context. If you're sitting on a bed, eating pizza with someone you fancy, blurting out a plea for a kiss is going to be rather fraught. Flirt first!

I'm reminded of the sex education class in Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life":

Mr. Humphrey: Name two ways of getting [the vaginal juices] flowing, Watson.

Watson: Rubbing the clitoris, sir?

Mr. Humphrey: What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.

Now I look forward to Dan taking vacations! Y'all will do /great/!

More than infinitely better than some random guy with the same name as Dan.

Whirled without end @13 I lurked for quite a while before I started commenting, mostly because I didn't feel like I had enough life experience to really contribute to the conversation. My first few comments were about stuff I have personal experience with, like mental illness and science, where I felt like I had a perspective that could add something. Now I just can't seem to shut up.

@16 Sites these days take one of several approaches towards commenting sections.

Some sites have just given up and removed comments altogether. This is an understandable decision but kind of a shame. Babies and bath waters and all that.

Some sites allow a free for all. There might be decent comments out there but they’re drowned in a vast ocean of Russian bots, compromised accounts posting spam, and sheer idiocy.

I’ve noticed a few sites only open commenting to paid members of the site. That approach has some advantages (only people with demonstrated interest in the site post) but basically is an elitist approach (I certainly don’t have the money to subscribe to all of the sites I read and to be honest if the Stranger took that route I’d probably read less and do without posting)

The best sites of all are those where they have built a cadre of active commenters and actively curate their comment feeds, deleting or not approving comments that are spam, bots, hateful, etc. Sites like that often nurture a culture that encourages substantive comments that are interesting to read. And that culture itself helps encourage new posters to interact in the same way.

Sites like that are precious and becoming rare. I can think of only three that I know of off the top of my head, with one being this one. I’ve heard in the past on other sites just how much work it is to moderate comments, and that work is unseen and often unappreciated.

So three cheers for the commenters and moderators here for creating one of the most interesting places still around online, a throwback to what the internet used to be before the eternal September.

@20 Let's be honest, comments sections sucked well before 2016. Around 2012 or 2013, I had a YouTube comment replied to like this (paraphrasing from memory): "Bitch kike whore, I hope you get raped to death in front of your kike parents." As I'd hope you can imagine, I'd said nothing particularly provocative (I think it may have been about evolution, though), and perhaps foolishly used a couple of Yiddish words. Luckily, I had used a basically anonymous throwaway account, so at least it didn't really make me fear for my safety. That was the last time I posted a comment on a YouTube video.

Actually, I think it was more like 2010. I think I was in early high school. That nasty comment did have quite an impact on my internet behavior.

As someone once said, the regular commenters here can be insufferable. I think having them stand in for Dan is a really bad idea. Reasons are as follows. Some of them are vicious and callously attack the LW's with zero compassion, do not have a detached and balanced point of view, but are biased to hell by their own value systems, full of ego and judgements, and seem to think the comments section is their own cosy little club where they get to high five each other about being first to comment, have bitchy spats and infighting, congratulate each other on things entirely unrelated to the letter itself and generally make it all about them and their opinions rather than the LW, which is where the focus should be.

Dan on the other hand is calm, kind, compassionate detached and furthermore, experienced. He is of course the only one qualified to select a suitable replacement for himself during vacation times. If he thinks some of the vultures in the comments section are the appropriate types, well it's his column so he can do whatever he wants, but there is potential for more harm than good in my view.

No doubt my point will now be demonstrated by certain of the regular commenters ripping me to shreds for having an opinion contrary to their own.

sandwichesatbedtime @23: "Some of them are vicious."

Sorry, but have you read the comments section at Fox News? In this corner of the interwebs, you may encounter sarcasm, dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns, parody, litotes and even satire, but it's far from vicious.

Besides, Dan is eminently capable of selecting the right commenters for this mission, and then editing the results for publication to the rest of us.

sandwichesatbedtime @23 I have to disagree. Everyone is human, and the frequent commenters here are certainly not perfect, but in general I find this a far more considerate place than almost anywhere on the internet (which I'm sure is largely due to the site moderators as well as the culture of this comment section). I find the people here more willing to examine themselves than the average internet commentor, and certainly more willing to concede that something they said was wrong in the face of a well-reasoned argument.

Like I said above, nobody is perfect, and everybody here has their moments and their triggers, but I, a highly sensitive and socially anxious person, feel pretty damn comfortable saying things here I wouldn't say elsewhere. Of course, I'm just anonymous words on a screen to everyone here, so the stakes are pretty low as far as social anxiety goes. But it's the only comments section I participate in regularly that's open to the public, and I think that says at least something.

@23 sandwichesatbedtime
I'm not gonna respond to all that, but I do want to note that the comments section and the column are different things, which I expect pretty much everyone would approach differently.

While a column addresses the letter writer; in the comments section one doesn't know if the letter writer is even reading, so I don't see why "the focus should be" only on someone who might not even be reading. And what's wrong with a people having a little fun and community in the comments? It's not like commenters are being paid with money you know. (Dan played the comment-number game a couple weeks ago: was that wrong too?)

Probably everyone would think a lot more deeply and spend more time on a column than on a comment. Maybe you'd be surprised; I bet some (including me) don't have the time for comments they'd make for a column. Although some regulars' comments are already routinely so thoughtful and thorough and deep it's awesome to imagine what they'd produce if they took it even more seriously (some the the usernames I think that the most often of start with the letters n, E, and B; sorry for all those I'm not also listing now).

It's also nice that it's not all millennials and Gen Z here, so even if I'm still solidly in a liberal bubble, I can get out of my generation's cultural bubble a little bit. If that makes sense.

Mz Mooz @ 21
A former coworker who grew up in NJ told me that once after getting into a fight with another child and describing the scene to her father she asked him why the other child called her a kite. He chuckled and said she’ll figure it out as she grows up, which she did.

Sandwich, there's like 5 million people on reddit you can get to abuse you at the slightest provocation. Why are you over here, bending over, screaming "OH BOY IT'D BE AWFUL IF SOMEONE YELLED AT ME!!!?" No one over here can be bothered - and I'm including Sportlandia and Dadddy in that "no one."

Did 4chan shut down or something?

@28 Other than the internet and family jokes in poor taste (my long-dead grandmother was a Hebrew school teacher and would apparently privately call the nature walks she took her students on "kike hikes"), the only time I've encountered the word is in The Great Gatsby. It seems, thankfully, to not be frequently used face-to-face among people my age, at least in the area where I grew up.

On the theme of linguistics, I maintain that ending phrases with prepositions can be confusing: I first read "because you have to can lead" as "you have to put lead [qua the chemical element represented by Pb] into cans," was thoroughly derailed by the next words, and had to start over. Also, the serial comma is mandatory, and I will only refer to an individual person with "they" if they doesn't complain about singular verb constructions (because I can only do it without constant concentration by mentally substituting "They" as a proper noun, like a nickname).

Re: BUSTED, I imagine they smell like smoke, which tends to be very obvious to non-smokers (smokers become desensitized and notice it less) and is unlikely to be the case these days unless one smokes because smoking is banned in just about every public place in the Anglophone world these days (so someone isn't going to smell like smoke because ze has to work in a smokey bar or cafe).

Thank you sandwiches for your critique of the international and mostly/ sometimes happy family we have here. I’ll pass, on asking you to the staff Xmas Party.

Re: asking to kiss people, I'm still pretty sure that nobody who wants to kiss you is suddenly going to change zir mind because you asked first.b, as BiDanFan reiterates above. But let's say ze did; do you really want to date someone who 1) is that inconstant regarding zir desires, and 2) thinks confidence is more important than clear consent? Like, especially the second one, which may imply the other person violating YOUR consent in the future if ze favors action over asking, so even if you don't care in general, that implies a danger to you in particular?

@8 -- "This dude is now up to date number 4."
--sandwichesatbedtime

You're dating George Costanza?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTRqgu2CS-E

It’s a game all thru some serious discussions, sandwich. I take offence in you saying people here don’t address the letter, and lack empathy.
And the someone you mentioned, D, said insufferable scolds. Quoting one of the most sexist commentators on the threads sure doesn’t shine a bright light on you.

I've always had a problem really understanding what was meant by those complaints about a comment section being cliquey, with regulars jumping all over dissenting opinions.

Because in an internet comment section, unlike face to face, all our voices have the same volume. All of us can make as many, or as few, comments as we like. We can be as long, or as short, as we like. No voice can drown out any other. It's not a group, it's a bunch of individuals.

So if any one poster feels jumped on, it's because a number of individuals disagreed with him, rather than that he was attacked by a group. And each of those individuals has as much right to say "You're wrong" as he did to make his original "contrary" remark.

Should I not tell @23 that I disagree with him, just because others have told him that they do? It would seem then that the person being silenced would not be he, but me.

Lava @ 32
What Xmas party??? Some of us are high flying kites, especially on Saturday nights.

Well said agony. We do speak as individuals.
This time zone difference issue makes us all getting drunk online together, a Xmas party, CMD, not possible. So how else to cyber celebrate?
We used to get called micks, the Catholics.
There were issues with Catholics and Jews in my childhood, though I could never get a handle on what they were. Like racism, bigotry makes no sense.

There’s not enough room between seats in a bus, usually, to give someone a blowjob. The blowee would have to sit around into the aisle, causing no end of trouble for those getting on and off the bus.

Fubar @17: I agree timing is important whether you're asking for a kiss or just leaning in. When someone has a mouthful of pizza is not a good time for either.

Calliope @19, I'm glad you're here and commenting. Please never shut up! :)
And sympathies to you on having received such bile. The internet is an ugly place indeed and with certain exceptions, the SL community is an exception, which is why I spend so much time here.

Sandwiches @23: "Dan on the other hand is calm, kind, compassionate detached and furthermore, experienced."
Dan: "You're an insecure bag of slop."
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2019/12/05/42190842/he-keeps-finding-himself-jerking-off-when-he-could-be-fucking-the-fiancee
"He is of course the only one qualified to select a suitable replacement for himself during vacation times." And he printed the suggestion, which suggests that he is taking it seriously.
"Dan is more experienced." BiDanFan
Member since 2013
7758 Comments
Funny how you spend two paragraphs denigrating the commenters but then offer your own opinion on whether regular commenters should fill in, which is contrary to Dan's. So is his opinion better than everyone else's, or everyone else's but yours?
Was that "ripping to shreds"? Re-read your first paragraph if you want an example of a commenter ripping others to shreds. You don't need to read the comments section if you find us insufferable, just saying. But since you are interested, you'll notice my pattern is that my first comment generally addresses the letter itself, while any subsequent comments address other commenters' points. If Dan does give me the honour of entrusting me with guest column duties, feel free to skip reading that week. I won't be offended.

John @31: +1 to Bus Guy reeking of smoke. I bet his cum tastes awful too, Creepy Admirer, just saying.

@40, 7758 since 2013 = only about 21/week, on average, or merely 3/day, if I did the arithmetic right. :^)

kristofarian @34: "You're dating George Costanza?" reminds me that, for all that gets said in these comments, people do tend to punctuate properly, so that's something, at least.

LavaGirl @39: I'd suggest the bus blowee would stand in the aisle, leaving room for other passengers to squeeze past, and receive what we used to call a "knee trembler". Judicious deployment of a raincoat would provide a degree of privacy. Problem solved!

Calliope @19: I second BiDanFan @40. I'm also glad you're here and commenting. I have it on good authority that "longtime reader/occasional commenter" had both you and curious2 @18 in mind when he said "few of the others", and regrets the omission.

To Sadder - "Breeding twinks" is a vile phrase. Treat them with superiour care and respect, and both you and the entire G will be well rewarded for it. Those of us who have ever been graced with their favour have had the opportunity to help put wise heads on young shoulders. "Give me a twink at an impressionable age, and he is mine for life," can be wielded for good.

Yes furbar @44, I see that could work. Let’s hope the bus doesn’t stop suddenly. Ouch.
Of course CatB, the podcast. Do you think Dan would hand that over too.. we could start the broadcast off by playing the sound of Kookaburra’s laughing, I’m sure that’s how movie news used to start here, and they are fun birds, then we could cut to the studio. Oh. Who would be the guest/s? Dan and crew would be gone for at least two weeks.
Now don’t let us get a little too ahead of ourselves.

Aw, thanks, you guys. ^_^

Yes Muse, you are one of us and it’s great you are under thirty.
My first choice CatB, would be aquaman. Just to look at him. Seriously though, what about that Professor from Canada, this time we can blame it on Canada. What’s the sad sack’s name? What a wimp, I’d like a verbal round with him.

Aminoacyl-tRNA binding sites and peptidyl-tRNA binding sites, 50S and 30S ribosomal subunits, Shine-Dalgarno polypurine hexamer. Retroviral integrase. Topoisomerase. Topoisomerase!

My head is spinning. Does anyone have some Advil? >_<

@13, Whirled, lots of people jump on for specific questions. They have experience and want to share. I try to pretend I’m in a private chat room, otherwise commenting while a semi recluse, thinking there are lots of people out there, causes headaches.
It’s a unique platform, an emotionally and intellectually developed gay man talking sex. It means all the borders are open, and one is free to speak. Yeah for Daniel Savage.

@46 Add me to the list of those who are glad you’re here and piping up. And let me also officially endorse the idea of letting LavaGirl and BiDanFan have the reins for a column. I think they’ve both pretty consistently shown excellent judgment.

Regarding the use of slurs mentioned by @30, something has definitely changed for the worse in my lifetime, and I think that something is the internet, specifically its anonymity.

I never heard that particular slur used and I went through infantry basic training at Fort Benning in the mid ‘90s. We had guys there from a wide range of mostly working-class and lower middle class backgrounds who tended to be more politically conservative. We also had a Jewish guy with a stereotypically great sense of humor (he went by “G. I. Jew, the greatest American Hebrew”) and I never heard a word of anti-Semitism spoken, either to his face or behind his back in my whole 13 weeks of basic.

The majority of the slurs and jokes were anti-gay (specifically against gay men not lesbians or other members of the community), not directed specifically against me (I was never out to anyone at all for obvious reasons) but just part of the general culture. I also heard anti-black racism as well now and then, but always voiced in private. I don’t think I ever heard an anti-Semitic remark the whole five+ years I was in, though I do recall one incident that made headlines in the Army Times when someone painted a swastika in the barracks over in the 82nd Airborne. We also heard rumors about right-wing militias deliberately sending their members to enlist as infantrymen to gain combat skills.

So yeah, my own experience is that anti-Semitism has definitely gotten worse over the years. And I’m sorry you’ve had to live through that.

Ms Lava - Prof Peterson seems to have been going off his rocker, perhaps it's his diet (apparently he eats nothing but beef, and reportedly claimed that drinking a glass of apple cider kept him from sleeping for a week), or perhaps the whole of the Intellectual Dark Web is headed that way.

I suggest that there are plenty of superiour grounds for criticism of him than calling him wimpy, whatever resemblance his voice might have to that of Kermit the Frog.

@43: And if a bus passenger should inadvertently bump the blower the blowee could be catastrophically injured.

Am I the only one annoyed by SADDER response? I mean it's the complete opposite of what Dan said. His advice was more 'get a life to get over this guy' not pine forever while having lots of anonymous sex'.

I have to ask SADDER what happens if five or ten years pass and he's still with his boyfriend? Or a new guy, or has no interest in being your boyfriend? Are you going to look back and see this as time well spent? Or will you feel foolish for letting this go on so long?

Lava @45, I hate the sound of my recorded voice, so I'll pass on the podcast!

Corydon @50, your Jewish colleague sounds like a laugh.

MsAnon @53: Yes, it is annoying when people ask for advice and then do what they want to do anyway, but that's people for you!

Venn @44, I wasn't sure what "breeding twinks" meant. Taking young men's gay-virginities? Yeah that's problematic if it's what he's seeking out specifically. SADDER, between this and the teenage pining, I think you may need to grow up a bit?

It seems to me there are fewer regular commenters here than there once were. Some post much less frequently, and some have left entirely. Is it impolite to name names? Urgutha (hello!) would be in the former category. Others who left mostly or completely include Eva Hopkins, Kim in Seattle, Fifty-Two-Eighty, Fnarf, Treacle, Sax Fanatic, Aardvark, Helenka, Ankylosaur, Avast, Sirkowski, Ricardo, Functional Atheist, Clash fan, Catalina Vel-DuRay, and many more. Of course, people come and go, their interests and priorities change. But I enjoyed the broader spectrum of opinions, and even the snarky humor.

56 Ricardo, Ankylosaur and Avast still comment occasionally, and I'm always glad for their input.

Would like to have Seandr and Fnarf back, part of the Slog Golden Age...Judah got run off way back, always valued his input. Circle of Life, I guess.
Catalina was a hoot!

Ms Fan - The term may be a bit Humpty Dumpty, but every context in which I've heard it used has implied using young men as if they were Kleenex. What a nasty way to contribute to the self-inflicted problems of the demographic.

Sandwiches @8 - I'm with you. We hear plenty from the commentariat (myself included) on a daily basis. And as you predicted, the wagons have been circled. Sorry about that. I know from painful personal experience that many of the regulars can be vicious when confronted. Try not to take it personally.

@57: Catalina still comments, but hardly ever on Savage Love. Fnarf (vastly overrated) still chimes in every other year or so.

@59: Indeed the regulars can be incredibly vicious. For example, advocate "not aborting" and all hell breaks loose.

@61 - eh - I overstated that. Context is always key.

See raindrop, even trolls like you are allowed to complain that’s how great these threads are.
C’mon JibeHo, you give as good as you get.

The letter re SPOUSE is irksome.
LW, if this man had sexually abused his children, would you be advocating the LW step back and let daddy love back in? No you would not. Yet here’s a man who cared zero fucks how his children were for x time. If they had shelter and food, if they were safe and you suggest he’s good to go? He’s fine to let back into the fold. Under what proof?
The man if he was dead set serious about finding connection again, the very first words out of his mouth needed to be a big fat on his knees apology.
His sperm helped make the children, his behaviour has shown he’s not a father. If he’s changed, an apology to her and their children would show that might be the case.
He’d have to feel sorry to say sorry and he’d have to have had a good look at how he’s behaved to feel sorry. When he’s done that inner work, then maybe he could try again to re connect.

Wimp captures him for me, Mr Venn. He was on a panel here months back and a fellow woman panelist tried to confront his bull, he wimped thru it like the wimp he is because she kicked his arse. Then all his followers started giving her curry for upsetting their poor baby boy.

Bad reference on my part. I meant sandwiches @23...

Yes, hello. I’ve been verbally smashed by the best here and I’m thankful for it. Of course the ego gets a little bruised, oh dear, I’m being confronted. It sharpens one up, hanging in.

I always enjoy your comments JibeHo, though I don’t have your sharp eyes re Mr Venn. Yes, it gets heated and weird in here.. like wherever humans hang together. It’s like a social microcism, and it’s fascinating, if your interests go that way. It also teaches us about our patterns, which is invaluable. I am so thankful I found Dan, and this tribe of his. An extra bonus is interacting with citizens of the United States , Europe , NZ, Australia, Asia , all over. wow.
JohnH is always teaching me new random facts. How cool is that.

Pizza on Bed Guy. Yeah. I've told my daughters that under no circumstance should they go to any man's room / apartment / house until there is a common understanding of why they're going private. And as far as I'm concerned, if you just want to share a pizza or watch a movie that's best done somewhere in public until you know each other well enough to get naked.

tim browne @69 I agree to the extent that, out of pragmatism, I wouldn't go to a straight guy's apartment (certainly not his bedroom) unless I was willing to have sex, but I also feel this is highly unfortunate. What if I'm just friends with a guy and I'm not interested in sex but want to hang out with him? I can neither go to his place (interpreted as a signal for sex) not invite him to mine (interpreted as a signal for sex). Even if I were to explicitly state I'm just interested in being friends, I may not be taken at my word. Someone's going to say, "But if he's the type of guy who'd ignore your words like that, why would you want to be friends with him at all?" That's true, but it still feels very limiting, you know? Even if we set aside the risk of assault, I have to limit my options in terms of what I can do with friends in order to avoid misunderstandings. It's sad.

(Not that I have any male friends right now. I get nervous around men (including gay and trans men) which is fairly limiting in itself. I'll get over it someday, though. I've gotten over most of my bullshit so far.)

*nor invite

Considering the Stranger’s lax/non-existent policy on commenters registration I’m glad many in this section can call bullshit when they see it.
Check out other sections of the site, like today’s AM News that mentioned a UW research of how well transitioned kids are doing and spot the bigots with their new daily ad hoc accounts. There’s a reason they don’t come here, knowing they will not be tolerated and likely deleted.
To his credit raindrop was sympathetic, though he's still boasting his Reagans fetish for some unknown reason.
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2019/12/09/42224988/slog-am-uw-researches-trans-kids-russia-is-banned-man-registers-beehive-as-service-animal/comments

tim @69: I understand your theory here, but like Calli, I find it sad and limiting. Most of my friends were male for much of my life. To not be able to be alone with them would have been highly inconvenient. Yes, once or twice people tried to move from friends to more; in those cases, we talked it out. Sometimes it was awkward, but no more so than it would have been for me to be avoiding being alone in a room with any guy for years of my life.

Ms Lava - I'm not disputing the accuracy of the claim, just putting it on the same plane (though not on a par with) as Judy Gold's calling Trump-defending Sen Graham (or Mr Savage's calling Dr Bachmann) a "f*ing f**t". Perhaps the one isn't a thinly veiled substitute for the other in your parts.

I had three asterisks in the first F word and four in the second. They were eaten in transit.

Mr Venn. No. Straight up wimp, no other word is needed. I could waste my time thinking of some.. he’s not worth it he’s such a wimp.
Proves my point then CMD. If raindrop won’t let a bad word pass about Ronald the denying any focus and help when the AIDS epidemic hit Reagan, wtf is he doing here except to troll?

You can write out whole swear words here, Mr Venn. Dan allows it.

Jibe @59, okay, I'll bite. Sandwiches blazed in @23 hurling a bunch of insults at people, then correctly predicts that we'll take exception. Doesn't take Sherlock to figure out that nobody likes being insulted; defending oneself is not "circling the wagons." From where I sit it's Sandwiches who "vicious and callously attack[ed] ... with zero compassion," "full of ego and judgements," and "rips other commenters to shreds." Then, in response to these personal attacks, JibeHo advises Sandwiches to not take rejoinders personally. As the wise-beyond-her-years Calliope would say, oy.

Tim @69, why not just lock them into chastity belts while you're at it? How are young people supposed to get to know each other to the point of deciding whether they want to get romantically involved if they never have a private conversation? Pizza Guy's crush had been clear that she only wanted to be friends; what more could she do? It was Pizza Guy's fault, not hers, that he refused to hear her. Sure, warn your daughters that men can be dogs and give them some scripts for saying no definitively, but warning them to never go to a man's home is playing into rape culture and setting them up for victim blaming if HE does something inappropriate.
Besides, students have very little money. Hanging out in dorm rooms is often the only affordable option.

Ciods @73, yes, this. If we don't trust men to behave like human beings how will they learn to do so?

@14. Whirled. Yes, these figures (for comment section readers) would be very interesting!

For the writing I do for work, I have a select readership. Sometimes, I will write a brief that has the effect that a case does not move forward--so the consequence of my reasoning is, perversely, that the thinking and writing I've done doesn't see the light of day. Possibly my comments here garner a wider readership than that specialised writing. Ridiculous comments I have made on popular places for tourists in Paris, London and Berlin on Google Maps and translated with a friend into Chinese have racked up tens of thousands of views.

I'm touched to be included by Dan's correspondent on the list of notable commenters, especially since all the others predate me. Would it be best if, during Dan's vacations, problems were made over to a collective?

@47. Lava. Are you thinking of Jordan Peterson?

@48. calliope. It's great you are commenting--and I'd also like to hear more voices from your generation.

@53. msanonymous. SADDER is one of those persons who want a 'forever guy'. Even if he's having a lot of sex, he'll always be pining for his ex until he meets the next potential 'forever guy'.

You’re sweet Harriet: is a collective the way to go. I mean I get a reader digs you opening every door to check if the solution is thisa way or thata way. Just not sure I’d keep my train of thought, while you were doing it.

BiDanFan @78 Oy, indeed. Oy gevalt, even.

Calliope @70, just to say that I hope this forum is helping you get over your fear of men. Most of them aren't awful! :)

BiDanFan @78 - It's instructive that you and others have taken sandwiches criticism of "some of them" to heart. How do you know to whom they're referring? I've gotten into a scrape or two on these boards, but I wasn't personally insulted by their comment.

If Dan wants a SLLOTD (which as far as I know is online only) answered by the commentariat, he can do that very easily. Simply post the letter, make a comment about his much deserved vacation time, and immediately throw it to the peanut gallery to handle.

But if he must pick a regular to answer the question, the clear choice is DonnyKlicious

Oh JibeHo, you and a couple of others have turned what is a bit of fun into sourpuss central.

JibeHo @84: Dan has in the past thrown a column or two to other writers. One was a panel of experts, another was guys named Dan Savage. I also recall a letter, perhaps a SLLOTD, that was answered by the guy sitting next to him on a plane.

The reader who suggested selecting some regular commenters to field a column named a few, but certainly didn't mean to exclude anyone, knowing that Dan is eminently qualified to make a selection. I know this because it was I that sent him the suggestion. As such, I wholeheartedly endorse DonnyKlicious and, as I hinted before, curious2 and CalliopeMuse. Anyone else who wants on the list will have to send me wine.

@86 You want to put me, a virgin, in charge of a sex advice column? That would be funny. I'm honored you thought of me, but I'm certainly not qualified.

88!

Calli @87: Not in charge... just a contributor. No doubt you'd be as valuable as your are in these daily columns!

I nominate EricaP as a commenter-cum-substitute. Her insightful discussion in this space brought me to my fucking senses about 8 years ago, and she can do the same for the readership.

Oooh, seconded @90. I think nocutename and EricaP are both consistently thoughtful (in both the "considerate" sense and in the "full of thought" sense), and bring a sort of calm presentation (rather than a knee-jerk reactionary one) to their responses. I appreciate that.

@90 awww, thanks, Steeeverino & ciods!

fubar @86 -- "Anyone else who wants on the list will have to send me wine." LOL

There was once a meetup of SL readers/commenters in Seattle, maybe ten years ago? I wasn't able to get there, but if there were another one, and if I did manage to attend, I would be happy to offer you a glass of wine, fubar, no strings attached.