@114 Ricardo
Right on.

For example, just recently I was happy to believe ASSHOLE's self-assessment that he was an "asshole", whereas given that we only had one side of the story (from aforementioned "asshole"), I was unwilling to countenance his tangential and IMO unreliable story about his GF that some leapt to believe. I mean it could have been true that ASSHOLE was objectively narrating his GF's faults, but I as an "asshole" he did not earn our belief he was a reliable narrator, so as far as I'm concerned it was a gratuitous, irrelevant, and foolish tangent not worth anyone's time. (Though to be considerate to him, a visitor here who presented as willing to improve on the topic of the behavior we wouldn't agree was right, I didn't bring this up until the reader-roundup thread.)

It's true, there's no "arbitration". (Of course maybe raindrop meant "moderation", the standard Internet forum term for someone tasked with keeping out the garbage.)

All we have is people helpfully calling garbage garbage, but that only helps when people experience self-awareness or shame, but (look at Donald Trump) that just doesn't work on some people.

I'm thinking of one other person here (username doesn't begin with "r") who seems completely unable to see their schtick however people try to point it out.

Bucksfan, you seem like a sweetheart. I am glad you made it out of there safely physically and emotionally. Those guys both sound like losers. Stick to the lady threesomes or make friends with some nice dudes first.

Sublime, really sorry to hear you had an inconsiderate lover. It can happen to men, too, the surprise of a selfish or ignorant or just bizarre lover. But if you can compartmentalize and laugh off the weird stuff and just ask for what you want and there's some strong attraction too, it can be a nice change of pace. If your judgement about safety is ok. I think the first exposure is the worst.

Raindrop @107. No. You've misread it. She says this one experience of being naked with two men who didn't respect her boundaries was a fucking nightmare.

Quoting her actual words:
"I’ve had one other threesome with two men..."
"I don’t think some of you can understand the terror that comes when you are naked with two men and neither really gives a fuck about your boundaries or what you want. It is a fucking nightmare."

She has been naked with two men on exactly two occasions in her life. This. Is. Not. A. Pattern.

You are conflating this comment with YOUR general experience of living this sort of lifestyle, which presumably you enjoyed in the beginning, yes?, but grew jaded by. She also states that she has had other threesomes which DID float her boat because, hello, they involved different people than these two. Your judginess is all about you, not about her. And I'll tell you off as many times as it takes.

Raindrop dahling. I used to think you were a little old conservative lady. You didn't say you were a lady? Sorry.

The letter writer did something risky that she wanted to do, and discovered that she did it with the wrong people. You assume the sex she wanted was the problem, most of us assume the people that she chose were the problem.

I've had a bit of group sex. It's awesome when the others are men but when a woman was involved it was awful. So.. Maybe it depends more on the people you have sex with, not the kind of sex you like. And maybe everyone is into different sorts of people, too. Maybe group sex is just difficult because the higher risk of shady people.

Maybe it's risky outsource your judgement to strangers on the internet.

"No need to be polite about out as you're dealing with impolite people in an impolite situation
stop allowing sex videos of you end up on the internet.
stop putting yourself in these situations."

Is bucksfan your child or subordinate that you give orders without explaining yourself?

I wrote a script she may like..
" I'm going to stop, this isn't working for me.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave, this isn't working for me.
Hello officer? Sorry to bother you, but I'm having some trouble with my date, they don't want to leave, can you swing by?
Thank you for arriving officer. They just left. Would you like a beverage?"

It's possible to politely handle impolite people. I think that it's generally more fun than flipping out on other people when I can't handle the situation.

@122 Philophile
Reading that was to enjoy something beautiful. I had to read it again just to bask in it as though it were a warm fireplace on a winter day.

Wow, I can't believe all the people who are debating whether the third deserved to be called an asshole or not. Who fucking cares? He's not the one who wrote in with a problem; for all we know, he's forgotten about the whole thing by now. He's probably not reading this column, so why are you all so concerned about defending him?

Aw curious that was like a hug. Thank you.

Raindrop, thanks for listening, and again sorry for earlier misgendering you. I also think you have a point that she can practice (vetting partners, advocating for herself, politely setting and sticking to boundaries, hoping for the best and planning for the worst, gracefully handling rejection) in twosomes to improve her chances of a satisfying threesome with men.

It's good to be able to recognize and maintain loving relationships, and to protect yourself.
Calling people names when they make bad enough mistakes is a shortcut. To shame. It works to manipulate people who respond to shaming. But why not just reason through the mistake? Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone could be called an asshole, it's really meaningless unless you are into power dynamics. It's like a lot of people dislike reason. That makes me a sad panda.

All of the commentary is so interesting to me. My wife and I have enjoyed (very much!) a Vixen/Stag relationship for a long time now. There have been guys who exhibit some quality that turns her off, some she's called "douchie" or "asshole-ish". The point is, IT DOESN'T MATTER what he did (or didn't) or why she felt the 3rd was an asshole. Whether you'd prefer she said "didn't feel right" or "not into him" or "it's turning weird and I'm uncomfortable" - or calling him an asshole. The statement should be the end of the discussion. She's a "no" and that's all that matters. I agree with Dan, the LW needs to find a new partner; her boyfriend broke every rule of boundaries and trust, before, during and after the incident. Full stop.
My advice to the LW, if she ever does want to explore the lifestyle - after she DTMFA and she finds a good partner - would be to explore the local lifestyle clubs, they exist in almost every city. Boundaries are practiced, 99.9% of people follow the rules and are respectful and it's a great, supportive and fun community.
Finally, in our experience it seems to happen about 10% of the time that the dude can't get hard, too much pressure, feels rushed, he's not comfortable with me there (watching, participating, or just with her 1:1); it happens, it's normal, and sometimes it just doesn't work. It happens! I get embarrassed even after a long time doing this, ED meds make everything so much easier.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience @ BucksFan. I hope you're dumping your shitty consent violating boyfriend.

If you have a threesome with two guys in the future, I suggest meeting with everyone together for a coffee beforehand. This is a chemistry test to make sure you're into fucking everybody involved. You can talk about what you're into - such as being pleasured by a hand or sex toy (or tongue if you're okay with that risk level), if an erection isn't in play. You can also make sure that everybody's boundaries are clearly stated.

If you want to get to know them a bit as a human, the coffee meet up is a good time to do that. Something to note, small talk is good, but a lot of people don't want to reveal their workplace to people they only meet for sex. (for some jobs, you can't even be vague by mentioning the general industry.) So if you want to get to know them, ask about their hobbies or what books they like, etc. If they don't want to talk about anything other than sex, you can write them off, and they never need to make it to your bedroom.

@79 Martial arts probably won't help much with two men, each of whom was probably about 1-1/2 times her weight. Very few of us are Bruce Lee and Bruce Lee couldn't have done what he did in movies without the benefit of choreography and special effects. The fighter a few weight categories higher generally wins.