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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: A woman knows for a fact that she can't be monogamous but she married a man—and is planning to have kids with a man—who insists on strict monogamy; a woman's boyfriend wanted to watch her have sex with another man and she was game but it really didn't go well; a gay bottom aging into "daddy" status wants to know i there's there anything can do to make topping more enjoyable now that boys want him to top them? And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

A woman who who shouldn't have cheated">cheated on her husband with a co-worker and continued to cheat on her husband with that same coworker after she'd told her husband the affair was over—and whose coworker/affair partner was threatening to out her to her husband—sends in a lengthy update...

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I'm the one who shouldn't have cheated in this "double feature" SLLOTD.

I did not follow your advice. I was in so much pain at the time I wrote to you, and reshaping my idea of what kind of person I thought I was for doing such an awful thing. I've never been suicidal, but around that time I felt like I did not deserve to live. I lost some friends in the separation, and further self-isolated because I did not think that my remaining friends would stick around if they knew the "real" me. I also felt like I didn't deserve to have fun and so I stopped going out to pretty much all social engagements. When I wrote, I was trying to narrow my focus to ask for advice on the problem at hand—my coworker—and perhaps I didn't communicate well (or at all) the intense inner turmoil, guilt, and shame that I was feeling—all of which I recognized was a direct result of my own actions. At the time I felt like your response was another (deserved) lashing on top of the self-flagellation I was already giving myself.

I talked to "Todd" about how unacceptable his behavior was and that I had considered disclosing our affair to HR, and he agreed to back off. Since then we have had some heinous arguments at work but ultimately things have calmed between us and we are able to peacefully co-exist in the office, even if we're not exactly friends (which is better anyway). But even after all the shit, I still mourned our relationship as though it was a "normal" breakup, albeit privately and alone. (I have a therapist, but did not otherwise seek external support.) It sucked but the worst is over. Maybe if I had followed your advice, the last six months could have been less miserable and lonely. But I didn't feel entitled to the support of friends, and so leaned on my therapist exclusively.

My husband and I have been going to intensive counseling, and are making honest attempts to do the work to heal our marriage. It hasn't been easy, but we have made a lot of progress and the plan is to move back in together when my lease runs out. I do not think that any of this would be possible if I came clean to him about how I continued to act in that month after our separation... I don't know if that was the right choice, but it was my gut decision at the time. It still haunts me, but I think that at this point the reveal would cause more harm than good. He has very generously forgiven me for the affair (not that we aren't still feeling repercussions, just that he forgives me), and I'm trying to internalize that forgiveness. It's a process.

Anyway, I wanted to provide you with an update because I'm in a better place now (although still somewhat fragile so please don't be too hard on me). Even though I did not take your advice it was really good and I appreciated your response. And to the reader who responded with the advice about going to HR, I don't know who you are but I want to send a (virtual) giant hug and round of drinks (or your vice of choice) on me. You helped me to stop gaslighting myself and I hope I can pay it forward some day.

Thanks for sending in this update, TTCUMM, and rereading my original response to you just now... I was overly harsh, and I'm sorry about that. I'm glad Todd has backed off and I'm glad you and your husband have found a path forward. And while I don't think a relationship is a deposition and while I do think sparing your partner a painful truth is sometimes the most loving thing a person can do and while the affair continued while you were technically separated from your husband and that tips the scales toward non-disclosure... I'm concerned about your husband finding those details out after you've moved back in together and/or had a child. If you're relatively certain that the chances are low, TTCUMM, then you can take it the grave. But if you know Todd to be unstable or vindictive, or if other people knew about the affair and there's a realistic chance it could get back to your husband through a third party, them you may need to revisit your decision not to disclose this detail. Even if it never came out on its own, you may not want to live with this particular sword of that particular Damocles hanging over your head for the rest of your life. But I support whatever you decision you ultimately make about disclosure and wish you the best.

ASSHOLE also sent in an update...

Just wanted to say thanks for your advice and calling me out, and a huge thanks to your dedicated commenters. I don’t feel good, at all, from everyone’s response. I can safely say I did something awful. But it definitely changed my mind. I probably should have included that my ex-wife divorced me, and it wasn’t until after I learned she had been cheating on me with her coworker for six months that I could move on. So for me, that anger let me stop wallowing and let me start my life again. I guess that rationalized my behavior, but now that I think about it after you and your commenters: It wasn’t the anger that let me get over her. It was knowing the truth. I was deceitful and an ASSHOLE. Thanks for your advice, and a shout out to your fans.

Thanks for writing back in, ASSHOLE, and for reminding us that the LWs are reading, listening, and capable of growth. We're not just pounding our heads against walls around here. (And I agree: the commenters—not all of them fans of mine—are always insightful and add so much.) And while you're entitled to your anger (your divorce sounds awful), you don't want to hold onto it forever.

A recent caller on the Lovecast dated a guy she wasn't attracted to and a smart listener—a listener I follow on Twitter—had some thoughts...



A reader wants Wannabe Adulteress to reflect before she gets down to any adulteries...

Just read the letter from yesterday and it struck a chord in me. I would suggest WA see a counselor or therapist, to determine WHY she has such a strong draw to adultery. Her physical responses to crushes suggest there is something deeper at play. Here's an article to get her thinking. Not totally on point, but the idea that she has different parts, and what do the different parts really want, will I hope lead her to some new answers.

An endorsement of some evergreen advice...

And finally, some advice for CRISP, the gay dude who is just starting to explore topping...

I liked your advice to the gentleman who finds it difficult to top because he is so used to being a bottom. I have used a butt plug while topping and it did feel good. I am in a similar situation where my husband was a total top for many years and then we decided that we both wanted to become more versatile. I had a lot of trouble learning to top and I often would go soft for a variety of reasons that could be summed up by saying I needed to become more confident in that role and that I needed to feel I was pleasing him. It took me about a year of practice before a sort of internal switch clicked and suddenly I was able to top with confidence. So I would say practice, persistence and cutting yourself some slack makes a big difference. Just as many tops take a while to learn how to bottom the reverse is true.

Okay, we're going to leave it there! Hope everyone has a great weekend and we will see you back here on Monday!

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