Comments

1

What did the LW think before getting married: "She's not very sexual, it must be because she hasn't discovered bondage"? It's quite a leap of faith he made there.

2

https://twitter.com/Julio_Rosas11/status/1224424491092234240

This is an audio clip of Rush Limbaugh announcing today that he has advanced lung cancer. For the younger readers who may not remember, Limbaugh is a man who harassed gay men dying of HIV in the 1980’s on national television for sport.

Turnabout being fair play, I will leave it up to you to decide whether you’d rather take the high road, and say nothing, or play audio clips of a toilet flushing, as Limbaugh did to a gay caller, when describing how he wanted to dispose of the caller’s corpse.

Adios, Rush.

3

ffs LW, why does it matter if it’s sexual or not? Your wife has no interest, do whatever you want to satisfy your sexual needs.
Or better, divorce such a miserable woman.

4

BOUND, do not let your non-sexual wife dictate whether you can engage in bondage play.

As for the question whether engaging in kink is sexual or a form of sex, that is not easily answered. Typically, when I engage in a variety kink activities, I do not feel it is sexual, but yesterday, I spanked and flogged three women, and I definitely felt a significant degree of sexual satisfaction.

That said, I don’t see the answer to this question to be particularly relevant to you. Your wife has never enjoyed sex, and she shouldn’t control whether you get tied up by a guy or not.

5

Disagree Dan. Being a man of integrity means he doesn’t Lie to himself, which this LW has been doing for twenty long bloody years. DTMFA, she cares nought for you LW, so why do you hang onto this sham of a marriage.

6

@3, 5 There are often reasons for remaining in a marriage that have nothing to do with sex. Perhaps the companionship works for both of them. Maybe kids are in the picture. Who knows?

I like Dan's approach here. Wife has to know that her husband has a sex life that he needs to be indulging. Wife has decided, for whatever reason, that she will not or cannot fulfill that role. LW sounds like he would prefer to be getting into this sort of thing with her, but she's taken that off the table.

This sounds like a good compromise. Getting tied up (and no more) by another guy is pretty much the ultimate in non-threatening extra-marital sex. LW has zero romantic interest, or even sexual interest really, in other men, so there's no threat to the marriage there. LW is not interested in any traditional forms of same-sex sexual activity, so there's no threat there either. The only grounds wife has for getting upset would be that her husband is getting his rocks off with someone from outside the marriage. But she can't have her cake and eat it too.

Words of caution for the LW: before entering into any kind of bondage scene, especially one where you cannot release yourself, you need to take some serious steps to protect yourself.

1) Obviously all of the safe word and discussion prior to the scene rules apply. Everyone needs to be on the same sheet of music before the scene begins.

2) I love bondage myself, but there is really good reason to have some big time trust concerns. Those concerns keep me from trotting over to some rando's house off Recon and letting him tie me up. We just went through a nightmare scenario in Toronto where a serial killer was taking advantage of men looking for kinky sex who also needed some discretion due to family concerns, etc. That sort of thing is rare, but it does happen, and advertising "Straight discreet male looking for bondage scene-tie me up!" will be like catnip to a guy like Bruce McArthur.

So here are my suggestions. Ideally, you live in a bigger city where there are fetish groups who meet up in a public venue of some kind. For instance, here in Toronto, the Black Eagle has a monthly Kink 101 night. You can get tied up by someone who knows what he's doing in a place where there are lots of people around who will ensure that everyone is on their best behaviour. Also if you go to such an event in a bar, just drink non-alcoholic drinks. You do not want your judgment impaired (this is encouraged by the people running the event, BTW)

At a bare minimum, you should be meeting any potential hookup in a public place first (coffee shop, whatever) so you can talk about the scene and gauge how comfortable you feel.

If and when you decide that there is someone you want to experience this with at his place, make absolutely sure that you provide his name, phone number, address, and time when you expect to be done to someone who can look out for you. That might be your wife, but doesn't have to be. A trusted close friend or family member is fine too. Just someone who will raise holy hell if you disappear. Make sure your partner knows that you have done this. A good partner will thoroughly approve.

7

Oh, and, needless to say, ANY sign at all of any illegal drugs (especially coke, meth or GHB, all relatively common in the gay community, alas!), run far away and don't look back.

8

@2 my sentiment is that I'm sorry that be (or anyone) gets cancer. I'm also sorry he decided not to show compassion to others who were dying because of his politics. That's the worst in humanity right there.

I'd rather see his example as one not to be followed.

9

that he

10

PS, although I do think if Rush gets no compassion from those he maligned, he earned it .

11

I guess we're going to have to simply accept that there's no changing the wife. LW is aware of her... lack of interest in her needs, and 19 years later, still at it, so let's also accept that divorce is off the table.

Also, T/F, are folks into this tend to also be into chastity devices? If the LW's wife "hates sex" she might be into the idea of inescapable bondage that also makes it impossible to achieve erections...

12

8, 9, 10:

I think it’s an important discussion to be had, particularly amongst those of us who have been the targets of his abuse for decades.

Thing thing about being alive is, everyone eventually dies. Those who attack the dying invite the same variety of abuse when their own turn comes.

And, at the same time, if we are magnanimous, we end that cycle, break that wheel, halt the pendulum.

I am conflicted on this topic. I know where the high road is, I’m just not sure I want to take it, however wise it may be. After all, we did nothing to invite his abuse, and he has been especially unsparing over the years.

Noble silence would of course be the smartest course of action. I don't feel all that noble, though. Part of me wishes I could confront him with recordings of his abuse, and play them for him as a soundtrack to listen to as he lay dying, in the vague hope he might understand at long last how it must have felt for his victims.

13

Come to think of it, isn't his marriage an (apparently) inescapable form of bondage already?

13

Yeah thanks Corydon @6. My response still stands. This man has denied his needs long enough, and given what he’s said about his wife she isn’t going to give him her blessing. So why bother running it past her. Life is short, and twenty years to be ignored and denied is surely long enough. Divorce her then he could have his kink and find a loving woman to have sex with and he wouldn’t have to wade thru more years of his wife’s cold cold heart.

14

You sharing the truth of who this man is Wandering Star, @12, is important. Dancing on his grave as he did to others, why join him in such a dark ugly place.

15

14,

An easy critique to make when you’re not one of the people whose friends and lovers he spat in the face of as they died. I don’t mean that it’s as much bile as it sounds, reading it aloud. I just don’t know any other way to phrase it that would communicate the sentiment accurately. There’s a lot of pain here. To take the side of he who inflicted it doesn’t sit well on the ears of his victims.

16

I brought some rope on our honeymoon for her to tie me up with and she was upset but she tried and then she didn’t untie me for quite a while.

I can kind of understand why she would be upset; unexpected kink (to that nature) isn't really what she expected. She tried; I don't see anything bad if she didn't untie you you for quite a while. Unless you set proper expectations you should be thankful.

... As far as not being very sexual; it's the one thing us (men) forget is everything else they do. We think because we can get it up easily why can't she be interested in me? This is of course ideal ... you can run into people who only have sex for procreation and nothing else; I met 1. She was 46 had 2 kids and 1 miscarriage and only had sex 3 times in her life.

Sometimes it's their idea sometimes there is more to the story and as the LW was only about himself we never know the true problem here. We just know that she was GGG and tried on the honeymoon and now he wants more.

17

Up to you Wandering Star, how you respond. Exposing this man’s ugly behaviour to others is defending your lost friends. I didn’t know about his behaviour back then, till you write your post. Get out there where they are lamenting his cancer and set them straight. The news is up on social media, so inform people of the truth.

18

@15 Stromm Thurmond's black daughter forgave him. Botham Jean's brother forgave Amber Guyger. The member of Emanuel Methodist forgave Dylann Roof. Rush lambasted a group of people that included someone you care about? Look in the mirror and see yourself.

19

17,

I’d rather set them gay than set them straight. It’s ironic how many common colloquialisms equate straight with noble, and how often the term gay is used as a byword for every negativity imaginable. I know it wasn’t your intention, it’s just the language and it’s built in equivocations. I’m the sort of person who, if you ask how to get somewhere, will tell you to move directly rather than in a straight line.

As for social media, I avoid it. I should avoid this comment thread as well, but it is my one indulgence. That’s why you see my posts here so often. I don’t even have a Facebook or Twitter account. Never have. The Stranger is like the one treat I allow myself while otherwise observing a social media fast.

20

18,

The thing about forgiveness is, you can’t really demand it. If you’ve done something requiring forgiveness, you can at best ask for it, but it’s not for the injuring party to issue a demand for it.

21

Funny boy. Then set them gay!

22

@2: Those who can't be gracious and expend compassion to their adversaries, are at best intellectually deficient and at worst inherently immoral.

23

@20 Wandering Star, Limbaugh was one of the earliest symptoms of the disease now metastasizing in the White House and Senate. He thrived on attention - all he could get - not unlike The Fetid Sepulchre, and attention feeds the bloated whole of the GOP (you can spell "whole" another way if you like; it still works).

Never mind forgiveness. Given that you are not on social media, where would you plan to play the clips of Limbaugh's loathsomeness? Parties? Here? How much energy is it going to cost you - and how much more of your attention does Limbaugh, or anyone like him, deserve for you to pay?

The older I get (and I am plenty old enough to recall RL from well before the right-wing media industrial complex owned the U.S. government), the more I realize that my attention is precious - it is monetized at every opportunity, after all. As I do with my actual wallet, I spend my money - and myself - only on such things as I think deserve the profit.

Negative attention on Limbaugh, especially the same brand of negative he made his life's work, and made his fortune on, will only be useful to more-of-the-same, and will be turned to the profit of yet more repellant profiteers, who will be able to say "Look how they attacked him while he died - send money now!"

Limbaugh's outrages are unworthy of preservation or wider illumination. Yes, we must know history in order not to repeat it, but there is a line between knowing the truth and amplifying the loathsomeness.

How can you keep the memory of those you have LOVED alive, and honor their suffering at the hands of scum like Limbaugh? It seems like there are ways to highlight what was done to them, without giving voice to the outrage-seekers who oppressed and abused them.

24

@12: your magnanimity ends no cycle; breaks no wheel; halt no pendulum. Rush Limbaugh and his hideous ilk are not interested.

@22: You demonstrate all the intelligence and passion of a fortune cookie.

25

@24: Considering they contain little notes with words of wisdom, I assume that's not an insult.

26

@20 You've missed Sport's point there. You said that Lava wasn't qualified to offer her opinion. Sport presented evidence of people who had been wronged by whichever person and decided to take the high road -- I assume you'd think -they- were qualified in their circumstance. You're acting like it's a given that anyone wronged by such a person would be happy to dance on their grave when that just isn't so.

My view is that Rush isn't worth the mental or emotional energy. He's hateful, but he also does what he does to be -provocative-. Don't let him win in death.

27

@24, 25 IN BED!!!

28

My feeling is that for me to act as Limbaugh did would hurt me. I would have to do violence to who I am in order to behave in such a vile way - it would take real work for me to be the kind of shit he apparently is with no effort. And if I'm going to damage myself in my own eyes, it's going to take something or someone more worthy than Rush Limbaugh, the little worm.

So my own personal choice is to continue to pay him the respect and attention I have up 'til now - as little as possible.

I can understand how a person could have a different opinion, though, and I wouldn't judge anyone for it.

29

Regarding Rush... when a monster dies, there's no reason to feel sad, or feel anything really. If you're (too) happy about it though, it probably says something not so great about you too.

30

So... Dan's solution is to lie by omission to both his wife AND his potential play partners, in order to deceive them into giving him what he wants (marriage and bondage) because screw it, if the Almighty Dan thinks a dealbreaker is stupid, well, just use deception to get around the deal breaker?

Sorry, that's bullshit. If he doesn't want to be married to his wife, he can divorce her or lay his cards on the table and see if she wants to divorce him. If he doesn't want to rule out play partners ethically opposed to helping cheaters, then he can decide not to cheat. Alternatively, he can just accept that he has a smaller pool of options. But no, "lie to get consent from others" is not a valid ethical option.

Also, "inescapable bondage" isn't quite something you want to do with a completely anonymous rando, so there IS going to be a "get to know you" phase.

31

L-dub, not that I have to tell you this, but you've made some ridiculously bad calls relationship wise. Surprise rope play on the honeymoon...wtf? Assuming your wife would want sex more than she ever had shown a desire for in her life previously? Dude, major fuckups, and now here you are. I mean, do what you've got to do, but why not think about ending your marriage now, before you go off on this adventure and risk it all blowing up in your face if/when your wife finds out?

Oof. Good luck l-dub. Looks like you've only got bad options on your plate. At least one of those bad options gives you boners.

32

@22 Nah. Some people are monsters. Rush was one of them. Monsters don't deserve respect. Monsters don't deserve shit

33

Sportlandia @11, the problem with that is that forced chastity makes the forced person almost constantly incredibly horny because they're not allowed to get off!
I don't do forced chastity with my husband (yet) but he likes being told he's not allowed to orgasm for a few days, and this makes him ridiculously aroused. And, that does need to be met with engagement and teasing, I think. I don't think forced chastity would be much fun for the 'forcee' if the dominant really couldn't care less. Although, maybe that's just another type of kink...

34

Traffic spiral @30, the wife is no longer engaged sexually, he owes her zilch. That he’s allowed this sad story to go on for two decades, with this sexless person, that’s the teaser here. Why? From Day one she showed no imagination, honeymoons are supposed to be a little bent aren’t they. Sounds like nothing has improved since then. Joyless or no sex for twenty years and he’s been burning for his kink. Did she care? No. Lousy wives don’t get a look in when their husbands, or vice versa, finally decide to cut that tattered string.
First he could declare his independence to her. Tell her he’s done with her repressive sexual boundaries, he’s closing that door between them now, and will be seeking elsewhere to get his sexual needs met. Or he says nothing and goes and pleases himself, no guilt allowed.
He owes her nothing sexually for being such a bitch for two decades.

35

Good to see you busy @33. Here LW, this poster @33, shares how lovingly she enjoys her man’s kink. Go find yourself a woman like her.

36

22,

When you make your entire career out of attacking dying people, you’re in no position to demand compassion in the hour of your own death. It may indeed be granted by some, but that is for your victims to choose, it is not for you to demand. You can at best, beg.

37

Much love to Maimy's comment @23. Yes, our attention is one of the most valuable commodities we have. Don't give it to people and things that don't deserve it.

Wandering Star: So far as I know, RL isn't demanding compassion from you. Rather, some people here are recommending it. You don't have to take their recommendation. For my money, he was a worthless human, and the best thing you can do now--not only for your own sake, but also, conveniently, because it represents something he would hate--is ignore him completely. Anything else is likely to just make him feel vindicated by pointing out how successfully he hurt people.

38

I've heard it said that Mr Limbaugh became slightly more human after he took up golf. (Most of his shots went to the left of his target line.) And we were once in agreement - when he expressed a desire for the return of Penelope Pitstop to the air.

He also set the gold standard for a line of conduct that sadly has not diminished much nor limited itself to one side of the political divide. Some among the assembled company may remember a Republican Congressperson named Mark Foley from a red district in Florida. He resigned from Congress in September 2006 after revelations of his having sent sexually explicit messages to male Congressional pages. Proximity to the election meant that his name had to stay on the ballot. Mr Limbaugh took a very aggressive line against any opposition party mention of Mr Foley's conduct; I well recall (from the days when I worked where they played conservative talk radio all day) his on-air complaint, "The Democrats are HOMOPHOBES! They're GAY-BASHING!" Not only was there a major As If He Really Cared aspect to the complaint, but apparently the Republicans' chosen replacement who received votes cast for Mr Foley actually had a campaign slogan, "Punch Foley for Joe!"

39

@6! Great comment, pay attention LW.

Weighing in on the moral quandary, I think*ideally* you tell your wife that because she has not been able to fulfill her relationship obligations (ie, vows to care for you in all ways, including sexually), that as a human being with needs you must seek it elsewhere. Inform her you will not be putting yourself or her in physical risk (but being smark a la @6) and also by not engaging in any actual “/“sex”)- and this is a concession she must allow for making a one sided decision that your marriage was going to be sex-free.

I, unlike some of the other commenters, understand why you may not want to dtmfa, as many folks want to keep their marriages in tact for hosts of other reasons, companionship, financial, family, healthcare... what have you. All are acceptable answers.

Ideally you meetup with dudes on retcon that you can be honest with, and ideally you can be honest with your wife, as exampled above.
However if it’s easier or just ends up being the case that you give selective information to your wife, or to guys on retcon, on the sliding scale of “wrong” and grey area, you’re in a relatively safe place. It’s not ideal, it’s still dishonest, but the people you hurt and the way you might hurt them are all pretty low-impact. Good luck enjoying your fun kink! Life is about to get better :)

40

LW, are you happy with bondage being your only sexual practice for the rest of your life? If you are, okay then. But take five minutes to imagine all kinds of sex. If that has appeal... seriously consider telling your wife that you're going to look for sex outside of your sexless marriage.

And, LW, does this marriage bring you joy or health insurance or something else lifesaving?

41

I'm not a kinkster but my friends who are would heartily cosign Corydon@6 about safety practices.

42

While I always doubted rl when he said he is well I never doubted that he is indeed a very sick man. Yet being the conspiracy theorist that I am I won’t be surprised to find out in few months that this was nothing but yet another attention grabbing stint.

That said, I’m totally on Wandering Star’s side. Lefties are way too often expected to turn the other cheek and promptly “let go,” something we never expect from the other side.

A special fuck you to raindrop, our ever pseudo cheerful noble moralist Reagan fetishist who paid his way to claim his pathetic “parenthood.”
It was 1986 while the AIDS epidemic is in full rage when our folksy president joked that maybe we should send Qaddafi to San Francisco. Ha ha.
Those who can't be gracious and expend compassion to their adversaries, are at best intellectually deficient and at worst inherently immoral.

43

Tell your wife that you would like nothing more then to be tied up on your birthday and spanked real hard like a naughty school boy. If it fails to happen then tell your wife you are going to have to place an ad on Craigslist to find someone to give you the birthday present you didn’t get. Then ask her to help you pick a successful candidate from the responses you get from your ad. If she truly loves you she won’t care about your kinks. Most girls do not care if the guy they are dating turns out to be bisexual so whats a little rope play in comparison. If she bawks does she really love you anyway? Probably not. Next.

44

I think it should be clear that there is a difference between not giving a fuck whether Limbaugh lives or dies and showing -compassion- or expressing sympathy that he has cancer. I fall in the first camp: I really do not care one way or the other about him.

45

@43 I mean this in the nicest way possible, as I would want to be corrected in the same situation. It is "balk," not "bawk."

46

@45 but chickens, !bubawk!

47

I hope rush has the gayest nurses in the hospice and every caring act they do for him sends a shudder of shame and regret through his soul.
Or if hes utterly irredeemable a spasm of homophobic loathing.

48

Yup. Your kink is definitely sexual, and it's definitely not cheating if you tell your wife. The wife hates sex. Which either means they're not having sex or that she's having sex she doesn't enjoy, which can't be any fun for either of them. Time for a companionate, open marriage (or no marriage at all). Ask the wife which she would prefer. Then go have the fun you deserve, whether that's bondage or vanilla sex or both.

I was perplexed by Dan's paragraph telling BOUND he should say that he is single to avoid having to have a lengthy discussion with his play buddies about his sex life with his wife. Why would saying he is married necessitate this? He can honestly say he's married and his wife's not into bondage without making a casual play buddy his therapist.

Good call, though, in the PS. Springing an undisclosed kink on someone on your honeymoon is an asshole move, if that's what he did. Shudder.

49

Corydon @6, great advice. I hope BOUND is reading.

Ricardo @13, gold star! You're correct and perhaps that's why he's still in this marriage.

Wandering @15, deciding to take the high road by not mocking someone who deserves it is not taking his side. I think those on the high road could take the middle ground by standing by and letting all those who are hurt enough to enjoy the schadenfreude while keeping their own thoughts to themselves. For one thing, crowing about how Rush Limbaugh deserves lung cancer could come back and bite one on the ass if one then gets cancer oneself. One might feel that letting this news pass unremarked is better karma, if one indeed believes in such a thing. In other words, one can be pleased he's getting what he deserves but handle that pleasure with more grace than he displayed toward others. Again, that doesn't mean you are "on his side."

Maimy @23, I agree. It's just giving him more attention, which he never deserved in the first place. And yes, fuel for his supporters. "These lefties claim to be compassionate, look how they are kicking a man when he's down." Another argument in favour of quiet schadenfreude.

Lava @34: "honeymoons are supposed to be a little bent aren’t they." I disagree that a honeymoon is the right time to whip (sorry) out kinks you haven't discussed before. Honeymoons are supposed to be passionate, sure, not an opportunity to throw a vanilla partner into the deep end of one's undisclosed kinks and say, surprise! Here's what you signed up for, now you can't get out of it. Inescapable bondage, indeed.

CMD @42 et al, I think there's a difference between grace and compassion, and one can display the former without having to feel the latter. I don't think RL deserves any compassion at all, but I don't think one must engage in mockery to signal lack of compassion.

Dude @43, one, BOUND never said he was into being spanked; two, Craigslist personals have been defunct for several years now; three, statistics show that "most" (straight) women DO care, in a negative way, whether their male partners are bisexual; four, it's emotional blackmail really to say that "if you loved me, you wouldn't care about my indulging my kinks with other people." This woman does; and five, thank you for the amusing mental picture of Mrs BOUND tying him up and clucking like a chicken!

Harrison @47, I think your attitude is perfect. Thank you!

50

48: I didn't tell him to offer that he was single. Only to omit info—at least at the outset—about his wife. If he's clear that he's seeking casual bondage play, he isn't obligated to disclose that. I don't think he should actively lie and didn't tell him to lie. And he should tell the truth to anyone who says they don't play with partnered people and/or partnered people whose partners don't know they're doing this.

51

Hi Dan, thanks for clarifying! I agree that this is probably something the majority of his bondage buddies won't care about one way or the other, so he shouldn't feel obligated to volunteer it.

52

Lying by omission is lying - especially if you're only omitting it because you think the other person would refuse if they knew.

53

Another safe option for the LW could be to simply seek out local rope enthusiasts and events on Fetlife. Lots of areas have reglar classes and casual get togethers for peer rope sharing and learning. This is a fun and socialble way to get to know others that are into rope and potentially a good way to meet a reliable friend to tie with. And definitely not in the realm of cheating, which the LW seems concerned about.

54

Fan @49; twenty years ago such a kink wasn’t openly discussed as it is today. I give him a pass for his clueless attempt on his honeymoon, which should have quickly pointed out to both of them, that they were not erotically suited.

55

I don’t see how it’s lying, Traffic Spiral @52. The wife has withdrawn from having sex with him, why is what he now does with his erotic life, any of her business? She has rejected his kink, won’t have sex with him.
Under her thumb, is how I read this man. Repressive energies will do that to one, over time.

56

Traffic @52, he would be omitting it because he believes the other person wouldn't care if they knew.
One way round this would be for him to put "married" in his profile? Cards on table, no awkward conversation necessary.

Lava @54, clearly you've never had a kink sprung on you without warning, and on the honeymoon at that. I do not give him a pass, because don't you agree, if they were going to find out they were not erotically suited they should have found this out before making a lifetime commitment? And to bring this up by saying "I've brought some rope, tie me up," instead of having a conversation. No, if this is the way he introduced her to his kink, he earns a retroactive DTMFA.

57

Also, the film Secretary came out in 2002. Twenty years ago is not pre-internet, not pre-Savage Love. Bondage is not that extreme. There is no excuse for, A, not telling her about it before they married, and B, not even letting her enjoy their honeymoon before "upsetting" her with this new kinky demand.

58

Traffic @52, my reply presumed you were referring to the omission of not telling his play buddies he is married. If you mean whether he should tell his wife, of course he should. He owes her a lot more honesty than he does a casual kink buddy, and he does have reason to believe she would care.

59

@5 Lavagirl. That! LW has not been true to himself. And it must follow, as the night the day, that he can’t be true to others.

60

54@ Lava: don't be intentionally obtuse. If you honestly think she wouldn't care, then there's no reason to hide it from her, is there? Honesty isn't an obligation that is dependent on whether you're getting enough sex. Also, she was up-front about the fact that she didn't like sex, so she's been honest from the start - he owes her the same.

61

Is there some reason why LW would prefer to be tied up by a man? I didn’t notice that in the letter. Wouldn’t going to a pro dom be the easiest thing for him? Someone with good references, experienced and safe, and probably a woman (just assuming since there aren’t many male pro doms.)
Also he should try getting more knowledgeable about safe self bondage. Surely there are ways to do this (although to be safe, someone nearby who can release you if something goes wrong or the house catches fire, is recommended.) the old key in the ice cube trick or something on a timer. I’ve done these kinds of things enough to know that such techniques exist, although inescapable is not my kink. (Imagination is quite sufficient for me to leave one hand free or loose.)
I don’t get the sense that this LW knows enough about bondage to do it safely himself. Research, books, bondage practice groups, all highly recommended. It shouldn’t be that hard to find a bondage buddy, look for someone in a similar situation and take turns.

62

Ugh. This letter breaks my heart. A perfectly good kinky straight man who wants to be tied up. I agree it's tough to come out to women as you are when you're ashamed, but a little confidence goes a long way. As Dan says often enough, delivery is everything. If you present your desires like a terminal illness, they will usually be received in kind. If you offer yourself up like an unusual delicacy, same thing.

I must be in the minority, since I'd expect this to be the place for sympathetic straight women to reply, but there is not much that's hotter than a dude tied up and waiting for me like I own him. Lucky for me the guy I now have was straightforward about it and gave me the chance to see how much I stood to benefit from having an 'on' switch as simple as a hank of rope. Now I get what I want any time I'm able to tie a few knots, and everybody's happy. Keeping an open mind is the best use of your highest sexual organ, y'all.

63

I once enjoyed Rush Limbaugh and also thought Newt Gingrich was going to usher in an era of actually reducing the scale and scope of the Federal Government. This is my public apology for being wrong wrong wrong. At least I didn't vote for Donald Trump...

64

Oh, and bondage? You need to be straight up truthful with the wife. You want to be tied up and she won't do it. You're gonna do it because you want to. She doesn't like it? Call an attorney and determine how to gracefully unwind your unhappy marriage.

65

Traffic @60: Exactly. We're a sex-positive lot so we sympathise with this guy, but let's attempt to see it from the wife's perspective. She has a low sex drive or is possibly asexual. Her first marriage crumbles due to this issue. She then meets another man, is honest with him about her lack of interest in sex and the problems it caused in her marriage, and he accepts her anyway, even marries her. She has done nothing wrong here. Then on their honeymoon, not only does he expect her to magically become sexual, but expects her to become -kinkily- sexual. Surprise! I continue to be perplexed by these LWs who marry people they are clearly sexually incompatible with. That said, I agree that if she has no interest in sex she should be fine with setting him free to get his needs met elsewhere. If she's not, it's time for these two to part ways.

66

@12. Wandering star. My thoughts are with Rush Limbaugh and his family as he faces his final voyage.

Why would a gay guy phone his show? I'm GQ; I try to steer clear of animosity. Not only (at one point) were a preponderance of heterosexuals hostile to me, but a sizeable proportion of the Savage fanbase, as was, were, too. You are only serving as an object for people's basic aggressivity; it's not personal. Walk on by. Keep your thoughts on higher things. Give people no cause to lash out.

/break/
In the first third or so of the comments I've read so far, his wife has gotten an awful rap. She dislikes sex. Is that a character fault? She's been the definition of GGG twice, tying him up on his honeymoon and allowing him to be photograped tied up. (But she disliked both). I wasn't even sure BOUND had had sex with her before they married. She was a divorcee, and honest; she told him (a big part of) the reason her previous marriage broke down was that she hated sex. In relation to the marriage, shouldn't his primary focus be trying to see if he can help her to like it?

67

@30. Traffic. Completely correct. The advice that he's entitled to go off and get tied up behind his wife's back is wrong according to BOUND's own standards of honesty. Of course, he's free to try to negotiate this; and, in a way, I'm rooting for him, but the getting-tied-up thing is sexual, and his doing it may well constitute infidelity as his wife understands it.

@54. Lava. Why are you giving him a pass for marrying someone with whom he's sexually incompatible? If there's one big no-no in the SL playbook, this is it...

@38. venn. Ah, Penelope Pitstop. Was what my childish ears heard as the 'Arkansas Chuck-a-Bug' actually 'the Arkansas Charabanc'?

@25. Raindrop. Prescient to have Buttigieg at the top!

@40. Mtn. Beaver. I wouldn't be sure he doesn't have sex with his wife. She hates it, but may still do it occasionally as a wifely duty. That sounds like the conception this couple have of marriage.

@50. Dan. He asked you--effectively--a question of fact: was getting tied up sexual, even if he wouldn'the be engaging in any form of genital contact with the person tying him up? The answer is 'yes'. He didn't ask for an opinion on whether he should go behind his wife's back to indulge his bondage kink.

68

To echo happyhedonist's comments, I'm a cis woman whose kink is inescapably tying up my partners with rope. We are out there, although we are extremely rare. And 95% of the time my rope play also involves sexual activities of some kind.

69

Reminder to self: don't read the comments while one's sense of humour is impaired by events.

70

I didn't realize Rush Limbaugh's show was still on the air. I'm glad something will get his toxic brainwashing off the air. The best way would've been had so many not wanted it so much. I have no desire for him to die to end the harm he's doing.

I've done a lot of driving across this continent, and before satellite radio over much of it the only radio station my car received had his program on. What a horribly bankrupt human being. For example regarding illegal drug use: wanting jail for others and freedom for his own crimes.

I noticed something about my principles when Dubbya was conducting an invasion that took millions of lives. Let's just say I thought the greater good would be served by his death. But the day he left office I thought differently, because his war crimes were no longer in progress. By this principle I oppose the death penalty, but support the use of deadly force if necessary to save lives.

Though Rush's show is still poisoning people, when he goes off the air another evil lunatic will replace him, so I don't feel like his death is warranted to serve the greater good. (Though he's such good brainwasher that's certainly debatable.) There's your faint praise, Rushbo, you despicable putrid vermin.

71

Limbaugh's cancer doesn't have anything to do with his hatefulness toward people dying of HIV or any of the other shitty things he's done in his life.

Disease isn't a punishment for bad behavior. Disease is disease.

We don't have to suddenly pretend Limbaugh's a nice guy and that we wish him well. That would be a lie. But treating the cancer as some kind of comeuppance is fucked up.

72

Harriet, I gave him a pass for springing his kink on her on the honeymoon, given it was twenty yrs ago and bondage wasn’t as accepted and talked about as it is today.. not for staying in a incompatible relationship.
I find these situations are a mind fuck. One spouse unilaterally stops sexual intimacy and still expects the other to do what. Self pleasure the rest of their life?
We can only go by what the LW tells us, and by his account his wife wants this all to just be gone, his sexuality I mean, and they go on like this for several more decades. The LW is only fifty, he’s got years left of his juices flowing. Why should he upend the marriage when it is she who is not available and obviously not talking with him about options, or he wouldn’t be writing to Dan.
I see it as another form of domestic abuse, this closing down of sex by one partner and thinking that’s it for both.
You’ve got to adult up LW, and get real with your wife about your needs and wants. You are fifty years old, she isn’t your mother, and you have every right to seek to satisfy your sexual wants and needs.
Maybe the marriage is honky dory in other areas, and you have children still underfoot, etc LW.. or she’s rich or you don’t want to give up the lovely home she keeps for you. Sometimes we have to risk to live our truth, and yes lose some advantages in doing so. What you gain though is being able to stand up straight.

73

Also, thanks LavaGirl!
I really really don't understand why a grown adult would marry someone who they already know has had a marriage fail due largely to an aversion to sex, just thinking that it will all work out. and then spring rope stuff on them on honeymoon. It's ludicrous.
I think he should find another relationship and if he doesn't want to do that, just tell his wife that he's going to go and get these needs met elsewhere.

74

Hey Busy, neighbour, from across the sea. I sure hope you guys keep your PM in this yr’s election, and don’t follow the rest of us picking dumbo’s to lead.

75

@2 It's the low road all the way for me. It's scumbags like Rush who successfully destroyed the last traces of legitimate democracy in the United States.

Every time I read something about him dying, I giggle.

76

@2 et al.--

It's my understanding that Rush Limbaugh intends to remain on the air as he battles this dreadful disease.

I think that all of us should write to him to encourage him to go off the air, so that he can devote all his energies to battling his disease. We should also write to his company, to all the radio stations, and all his remaining sponsors. Encourage him to do all his work on his own to help himself, unencumbered by his on-air duties. In addition, in this way, he can also spend extra quality time with his wife. (Is he currently married? If so, which number wife is he on?)

As for the LW, Dan caught an important detail: did the LW spring the rope on her unannounced? If so, then I have more sympathy for her than if they discussed it ahead of time. It's not as if he wasn't aware of his fetish, or if the fetish manifested during their marriage.

77

Hexprone @71: Treating the cancer as some kind of comeuppance is NOT fucked up. It's wishful, blissful thinking. People have to be able to dream. Fucking Trump just gave the motherfucker a medal. Ugh.

78

busy_quilting @73: "I really really don't understand why a grown adult would marry someone who they already know has had a marriage fail due largely to an aversion to sex, just thinking that it will all work out. and then spring rope stuff on them on honeymoon."

It was 20 years ago. People were much more optimistic back then, and insanity hadn't been invented yet. But springing the rope was a major blunder that she's probably never gotten over. No doubt, she assumed it was for her, and was devastated.

79

Fubar @69, hope landing on the magic number cheers you up in some small way.

Hex @71, yes, well said. The universe does not give AIDS to those who deserve it, and it does not give cancer to those who deserve it. I give no sympathy to Rush, who doesn't deserve it.

Lava @72, she didn't unilaterally stop sexual intimacy. She told him up front that sexual intimacy wasn't her jam. He chose to put on his rose-coloured glasses and not believe her. What a mind fuck for HER, thinking she found someone who accepted her, and then as soon as she makes a commitment he reveals he expects her to perform kinky sex acts. (If, indeed, the honeymoon was the first mention of his bondage interest.)
I agree that as soon as BOUND discovered she meant what she said about not liking sex, they should have had the discussion about opening up. A bit late but they should have it now.

Busy @73, exactly.

Fubar @78, I don't know that we can assume that she saw the rope and assumed he was going to ask to tie HER up, though that is a good theory. If so, that's another level of trauma that he unwittingly subjected her to. Why couldn't he have said verbally, "I like being tied up, is that something you'd be willing to do for me sometimes?" Words had been invented 20 years ago. If he hasn't apologised for this thoughtless move, he needs to start there.

80

@72. Lava. But I'm not sure she's unilaterally pulled the plug on the sexual imtimacy. On two counts--first, it's possible she still has sex with him (though she hates it), and second, they may never, in the course of their marriage, ever have enjoyed any happy sexual imtimacy.

/break/
The marriage is frustrating for him because she hates sex--and has it, if at all, through gritted teeth. It's frustrating to her because he always wants sex, and the type he really wants, being inescapably bound, is redolent of self-harm to her. The answer, clearly, is for them to uncouple companionship from sex. But it sounds as if this presents them with a big cultural challenge.

Limbaugh is only entitled to the same consideration that any human being is--if he steps out the Subway, we shouldn't shove past him to get on, etc. Beyond that, he has no claim on our attention.

If it comes out that Biden was fifth in Iowa three days before New Hampshire, it should focus the minds of the primary voters.

81

Traumatised? Over a bit of rope. C’mon. Anyway, he said she tied him up on the honeymoon and took a long while to untie him. She punished him, by leaving him tied up for a long time.
The letter is cryptic. Twenty years together and they can’t talk about his desires? Her desires? Does she have any.. this intimacy is corroded, and him going off is going to corrode it more. Better he fronts her with his truth now, not wait till it rusts away completely.

82

Fubar @78, the more I think about your theory the more it makes sense, and how horrifying. She's been up front about her lack of interest in sex, she marries this guy, and on their honeymoon, in a hotel far from home and anyone she knows, he pulls out some rope. Imagine the terror that must have gone through her mind in that split second! "I've married a murderer!!" BOUND, what on earth were you thinking? I'm not surprised any sexual desire she might have had for him vanished in that moment.

And am I the only one who thought he was saying that she left him tied up for a long time as if -- to him -- it was a good thing? Perhaps she left him tied up because she had to leave the room and calm down, maybe call a friend. He's lucky she didn't leave him tied up, pack her bags and leave.

83

Also, the headline is a bit weird. He doesn't say he wants to experience inescapable bondage once before he dies. On the contrary, I suspect he wants to experience it on a regular basis.

84

THE HEADLINE
Reading the headline I wondered if the dying was to be the result of the inescapable bondage. I think Dan's headlines are wonderfully attention grabbing, weird as a feature not a bug. The only fun thing about writing headlines is trying to come up with some kind of wordplay, not only for readers but also for personal satisfaction.

THE ROPE
It did seem pretty clear that the rope was a honeymoon surprise, and "didn’t untie me for quite a while" sure didn't feel intended as a service. It's heartbreaking if he killed any possibility of their sex life in the first second, 19 years ago; if that's true then while he caused it, isn't her not saying so and calling it quits at some point even worse (since as an asexual wouldn't feel the need to so for herself)? If that blunder brought disaster, it only added to his disastrous choice of an asexual partner to have sex with. (Maybe he thought that [as it is for him] the rope would be the missing key to her sex drive?)(Is there some underlying reason for such self-defeating behavior?)

/Break/
Nowhere in the letter does he say he's straight, but if he were mightn't he enjoy more getting tied up by a woman? (Though since he turned to Recon, perhaps everything in that sentence is wrong.)

85

Curious @84, since he had to ask whether bondage was sexual, perhaps the logic behind his preference for being tied up by a man is that he's not attracted to men, therefore the bondage wouldn't be sexual, therefore he's not cheating on his wife. Whereas being tied up by a woman definitely would be sexual and therefore constitute cheating for him. Perhaps he fears a woman's knots won't be strong enough. Or perhaps he just doesn't want to pay for it, and men are the only people eager to do this for free.

Also, I was employing hyperbole when I hypothesised that the rope request put Mrs BOUND off her husband for the rest of her life. Clearly she didn't have any interest in him to begin with; if she had, she'd have been able to get over this upsetting event. But it can't have helped.

86

@85 BiDanFan
"since he had to ask whether bondage was sexual..."

Yes that cascade sounds like a logical deduction to me!
It would be really nice if he had an open relationship with the wife who doesn't want sex with him

(I should get hyperbole better since I like to use it.)


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