If you believe a CBD-infused pillow will help you sleep better, may we also sell you a CBD-infused bridge?
If you believe a CBD-infused pillow will help you sleep better, may we also sell you a CBD-infused bridge? Tara Moore / Getty

As with anything new, shiny, and full of promise, CBD is being hailed as a miracle ingredient that can solve any and all things that ails you, no matter the problem. Yes, CBD is a wonder cannabinoid with tremendous potential, and it’s better to introduce clean, well sourced, and tested CBD into your system than not. Does it deliver everything people trying to sell you CBD products say it does? No, but it’s worth experimenting with for a wide range of issues and conditions.

But nothing is everything all the time, and there are certainly times when you do not need CBD, at least not in the manner in which some are trying to tell you. There remains a sucker born every minute, and as our culture is seemingly headed towards making Idiocracy a prophetic documentary, perhaps more than one every minute. But that doesn’t have to be you, or the ones you are related to and/or love.

Welcome to what will undoubtedly be an ongoing cautionary series: The CBD Hall of Shame.

Up first: CBD infused athletic wear for the wokest of woke Karens and Workout Wendies in your life. You know what would really help getting through that next Crossfit or spin class? Some cocaine, yes, but I'm talking about some CBD. However, applying it topically or consuming it is so last decade. Instead, why not buy some overpriced workout wear that has CBD in it? I’m pretty sure that will work really well!

At least, that's what Acadaba ProActiveWear would like you to believe. In August of 2019, they announced a new limited edition collection of premium sports bras, leggings, and other athletic wear, that used “micro-encapsulated” CBD.

As the website explains:

Each of our pieces is made using luxury high-performance fabrics that are strategically infused with up to 25 grams of zero-THC, lab-certified, 99.9% pure CBD...That’s more than enough to last through 40 high-intensity, wash-and-wear cycles.

First, microscopic CBD droplets are wrapped in a protective polymer coating. Put simply, this coating creates an exterior shell for the CBD, to protect it from being damaged by evaporation, oxidation and contamination until their release is triggered. These microcapsules are then embedded into the multilayers of the fibers of our luxe fabrics through a patented textile finishing treatment.

These infused fabrics are strategically placed throughout the garments to align with your major muscle groups. As you move and create friction, the micro-capsules gradually open to release CBD.

Huh. Okay. Sure. Why not.

I guess micro-encapsulation doesn’t come cheap, as the lowest priced item listed is a CBD-infused sports bra for $125, leggings for $180, and a jumpsuit for $275. For the leggings, those “luxury high performance fabrics” are revealed to be the rare and highly sought after miracle cloth of the Gods: 85 percent Polyester and 15 percent Elastane, which come infused with a whopping 10 grams of CBD to target “quads, hamstrings and calves.”

(The website now reveals the remnants of this collection with sports bras marked down to $5 and leggings to $10, with many items sold out. Was it a hit or bust? I don't know. Or care.)

“But Mister Josh,” you ask even though that isn’t correct, ”I still have too much money and a dangerous lack of common sense, along with an all encompassing need to experience my CBD though this 'microencapsulation' of which you speak. Are there any other products I can buy that will not work, please?”

Merry Jane tells us "yes, there is: pillows!" And not just one purveyor of CBD pillows, but two!

Maker of stuff you buy when drunk/bored, Brookstone, partnered with 20 percent off junk mail coupon kings Bed Bath and Beyond last year to offer a CBD infused memory foam pillow. How do they do it? The science is complex, so try and keep up:

Brookstone places some CBD oil "into the pillow." They don’t say where on the pillow, or how, or what's mixed with the CBD if anything, just that it's “in.” And they don’t reveal how much CBD was included. “Enough,” I guess? You sleep on the pillow, and the CBD—because, remember, it’s now in the pillow—goes into your brain, I think, maybe through dreams? Or breathing fumes from the memory foam? Don’t worry about it, it’s gonna be great! Enjoy your CBD, lucky person!

Much like the athletic wear, these pillows are now marked down from their original $60 price tag to a mere $29.95. If you can find one of those coupons, that's another 20 percent off.

Which brings us to this month, and the California based “CBD Pillow” company, who must have read about the Brookstone offering and upon hearing disparaging remarks like “that’s the stupidest thing ever," answered “Hold my beer" and is now selling a CBD-infused pillow for $129, which is totally worth it. It also uses that microencapsulation thing, only this time the CBD is infused into the pillow’s cover. Oh, good.

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According to the press release, “Friction causes the capsules to burst, slowly releasing micro-doses of high quality CBD. The CBD is then absorbed directly through your hair follicles and skin to help regulate your sleep evenly throughout the night. The result is an all-night, relaxing calm to help you sleep better.”

Yes, of course it does. This sounds far better than absorbing CBD via... say... your goddamn mouth.

After absorbing all 170 mg of CBD via your head-tossing microdosing sessions, you can order a new cover for the low, low price of just $59. Including shipping, you're only out $200 for 340 mg of CBD and a memory foam pillow. Score!

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