I think this is good advice. I'm a swinger and recently while perusing the profiles in a city I was going to visit, I stumbled across the profile of a friend. A very long term friend, more than 25 years. It was clearly them from the somewhat obscured picture. I didn't feel right knowing his secret and not also outing myself. So I sent him a screen shot and admitted that we shared something more than friendship, we shared the same hobby. We had a good laugh about it, as it was the first time he was ever outed, he was very happy that he was outed in this particular way. We've never played, and probably wouldn't, but we did do a little naked hot tubbing the last time we were there so that was fun.

This letter definitely needs a follow-up from its writer. TMWAFP please let us know how it went!

TMWAFP, how about the following:

Hi [NAME]. I don't think you recognized me in my photo when you reached out. I wouldn't have guessed that you and I both enjoy [NAME KINKS]. I appreciate that you may not want to play with someone with whom you have had a professional relationship and see regularly around the neighborhood, but I still wanted to reach out because I like getting to know more people who enjoy [NAME KINKS] and I felt that not responding would be silly and create awkwardness when we crossed paths either on the street or at a kink event. Since we're both in the neighborhood perhaps we can meet for coffee one afternoon. I would enjoy hearing about your experiences with [NAME KINKS].

[Your name]

Something along this lines gives you both a way to save face. You're expressing interest in meeting up, but without too much in the way of expectations, and you're giving this guy an easy out if he doesn't want to play/fuck you (i.e., you're a former colleague and living in his neighborhood). At the same time, you're giving him a low stakes entry into exploring whether there might be some chemistry. There is also a built-in exit ramp to friendship is there is not mutual chemistry, but an interest in being friends (or at least more cordial acquaintances).

Sublime @4, yes, I was thinking some kind of preparatory "hey, I know you personally, it's Carl from Former Workplace" message might be less alarming than a surprise familiar face pic. I've matched with friends/acquaintances on OKCupid and exchanged "hey, fancy seeing you here!" messages. Though that may be awkward on a far more personal kink site. TMWAFP isn't attracted so perhaps -he- could be the one to say "oh, it's you, never mind then"? Then again I live in a place where friendliness towards neighbours isn't a big thing so perhaps TMWAFP has a different view towards this.

If there is a possibility that the two of you will work again or your networks are deeply connected, don't send your face pic. You may ne ethical and discrete but you have no assur5 that has as like-minded and before you know it, Mindy from Accounting is asking about your ball-gag choice of color

LW says that ignoring him would be rude. But is that true? I’m not up on dating app etiquette but in my experience, ignoring solicitations that do not interest you online is SOP. Maybe it’s different if the app is men only? Based on my experience and that of other women I know, I’d say we ignore the majority of solicitations. (In the old days on fetlife or aff, I might get over 100 responses and reply to only a few or one. Who has time to say even “no thanks” to everything especially when even a “no” gets you still more messages?) If you’re not interested, just don’t respond.

I think @4's approach is likely to make the LW feel best in the long run.

@8, I Wonder if the way the LW feels is less based on how you treat people on an app, and more based on how he feels you should treat people you know but not well.

Does LW just pursue the kink for thrills, or does he make friends through it? I came down on the friend side, but plenty of others don't.

Terrible advice! You aren’t interested, so just delete and block. Come on- it’s a freaking dating app! It happens every day! Being “nice” isn’t necessary when you haven’t even met in person. I’m sure you won’t be the first person who has ignored him, and vice versa. Jeez!

"Ignoring him would be rude"

That sounds crazy to me. Don't /most/ of the first messages on such a site get ignored?

Squidgie @8/Curious @14, I think it depends on whether they have exchanged messages already. If the guy sent an intro message with a face pic, TMWAFP should just not reply. But if they've been chatting about mutual interests and Guy said something like, I'm interested in progressing this and meeting up, here is my face pic, ghosting would seem rude. But in this case, rude is potentially better than awkward. TMWAFP doesn't owe him a face pic just because he sent one; if he doesn't want to either reveal his identity or ghost, he could write back and say "sorry, you're not my type."

Newbie @13, why the anger?

@15 BiDanFan
Ah, I see, it is not clear whether there was only one intro-message-with-a-face-pic and no interaction yet.

But even after some interaction, ghosting seems typical in my experience. The only point at which it disappointed me, was a situation like a couple months back with someone when we had done pretty extensive texting and agreed we wanted to meet, /then/ having the interaction suddenly end. (Probably just one of those people who are looking for online interaction only.)

p.s. Oh, for me, "pretty extensive" texting means like a half-hour total; the my goal on a dating site isn't to make pen pals.

p.p.s. WRT the "ignoring would be rude" statement, I wish Dan had ascertained whether there had been any interaction at all yet.

The people who hook up via niche sites are saying the opposite of what I would have said. They're saying, 'reply and out yourself to ease the awkwardness, or to address the current slight power imbalance of your knowing it's him and his not knowing it's you'. I would say, just let things drop--possibly by saying 'I don't think we're a match on physical type'. Or 'I know for some people [the kink] is about [the kink], but I have criteria for body type, too, and we're not going to be a match'.

Possibly kinks are the basis for a community more than I thought (as someone with pretty mainstream sexual kinks. Or someone whose kinks can be readily deduced from their appearance).

I also had the impression that the lw just didn't desire the messenger at all. Possibly he (he?) is conventionally more attractive than his correspondent, and was embarrassed to make much of this. Broadly I'm with cockyballsup @7.

TMWAFP You have nothing to lose by leaving a photo and a msg how to get in touch with you, He's already made a possible pass in leaving the mag. At worst the two of you have dinner once, But occasionally you find you both have interests (and people) in common, or you find traits in them you hadn't noticed before.that you find attractive,Meeting once doesn't commit you to him, after all.

I periodically see someone on Grindr that I know from somewhere / somehow. If it's too close for comfort OR I don't see a mutual attraction, I block them and move on.