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I'm hoping you can reply to my letter by email. You can also post this, if you want, as maybe someone else has had the same problem.

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I have a son, who I gave up for adoption in England. Later I moved to Canada. I contacted him many years ago. We wrote to each other, then we started texting and exchanging family photos, etc. I went to see him and some years ago. He has three children. They seemed like a very happy family. Then he came here twice for his work and we met. I was very happy. We regularly texted about different things. Then one evening he told me that he hadn't been sleeping with his wife for a long time. That shocked me, as I thought everything was great between them. Then he sent me a video of his erect penis and other photos of his erect penis. I was confused and didn't know how to react. I felt like I needed to "comfort" him. (I have CPTSD from WW2 and both my parents abuse over many years.)

I felt like I was put in an awkward position all of a sudden. He started saying things like, "I'd love for us to share sexual fantasies." I responded: "This is incestuous. You need help." His reply: "But I'm enjoying this and I am completely okay with my sexuality."

The result is that now I feel too icky to remain in touch with him. (I never married & have no other children.) I did send an email saying I still love him but I'm too confused to be in contact right now. I can't find anything whatsoever on the Internet about all this. His wife isn't interested in what has happened. So I decided to turn to you for help. I don't know if I'm overreacting by not being in contact.

Confused Over Pics

Ugh.

To say your son's actions "put [you] in an awkward position" is to make the understatement of the year. It's way too polite, COP, but so very British/Canadian of you to put it that way. If I may: what your son is doing is outrageous and it must be causing you very deep distress and OF COURSE you're within your rights to cut off contact with him. Because while he may be enjoying this and okay with it, COP, you aren't and you're not and you don't have to show up for it.

And while your online search didn't turn it up, COP, there's actually quite lot on the Internet about the theory of genetic sexual attraction. Here's something I wrote about it early last year...

GSA is a real thing—or it's a real theory, at any rate, one crafted to explain why some many adult adopted children and their biological parents or siblings wind up feeling sexually drawn to each other after they meet for the first time. Most adult adoptees and their biological family members don't act on these feelings; the woman who coined the term to describe her feelings for her own biological son didn't act on these feelings. But some adult adoptees do wind up sleeping with their biological parents or siblings. Even more feel the pull.

GSA usually manifests early after contact is established or reestablished—during those fraught first few visits—and not years later. But while the timing argues against this being a case of GSA, COP, I can imagine a scenario where it's possible.

When you say you have CPTSD from WW2 and parental abuse... I'm guessing you're at least 80 years old. Which means your son must be somewhere around sixty. It's weird to hope someone has early onset dementia, but people with dementia sometimes engage in inappropriate sexual behavior (ISP). While ISP is seen most frequently in advanced cases of dementia, there have been cases where ISP was the first sign. Two more common early warning signs for dementia: poor judgement and decision making. So, COP, if your son experienced genetic sexually attraction after you met—if he was always sexually attracted to you—he may have done what most people who experience GSA do and kept that shit to himself all these years. And now, many years after your first meeting, dementia is shredding your son's judgement along with his inhibitions.

And when you say his wife isn't interested in what happened... I'm guessing that means you told her and she refused to engage. Maybe your son is a monster. Maybe he's lying to her about what happened. Maybe he told her you've been making things up or that you have paranoid delusions and not to believe anything you say. Or maybe she knows her monstrous husband is capable of doing something like this—maybe it's one of the reasons she refuses to have sex with him—but she's concluded, for whatever reason, that leaving isn't an option and her disinterest is a coping mechanism. But I would nevertheless urge you to reach out to her again, COP, and implore her to take her husband to a doctor for a cognitive assessment.

If he won't get help or his wife won't get him the help he doesn't realize he needs, COP, you aren't obligated to remain in contact with your son. But you aren't obligated to cut off contact with him either. If the thought of never again hearing from your son causes you more pain than the reality of receiving these inappropriate messages, you don't have to block him or cut off all contact. But you will have to clearly set and aggressively enforce appropriate boundaries.

And a bonus pandemic question...

Hi, Dan! I'm a hot single pansexual cisgendered male nurse here in Seattle. My dating life sure had taken a hit the last few weeks with working so much and the self-isolation. Any advice how we can get all of these sexy springtime Seattleites to GO THE FUCK HOME ALREADY (#GTFHA) and stop congregating so we can get COVID-19 under control and I can have sex again?

Nurse Belly Button

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It would help if the city closed the parking lots in Volunteer Park, Discovery Park, Greenlake, etc., to discourage people from jamming into parks. But it looks we’re in for days of rain, which should help keep people inside. Sorry about the your dating/sex life being on hold, thank you for the work you’re doing, and I hope you have someone to sext or video chat with when you have the time and energy to rub one out. If you don't, NBB, let me know and I'm sure we can find a steady stream of volunteers who'd be happy to help a hot male nurse out.


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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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