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I have been with my boyfriend for three years and our sex life is nonexistent. We have not had any sexual relations in a year and a half. Three months ago I discovered a pair of panties in our apartment—panties that were not mine—and assumed he was cheating. He informed me it was a tool for pleasuring himself, that he enjoyed the feeling of the material, but that he did not wear them. It was hard to believe but I accepted it, since everyone has their own fetishes. But it didn't sit well with me and a few weeks later, while I was cleaning out our basement, I found a LARGE box full of women's lingerie, dildos, anal toys, wigs, and fake boobs. I confronted him in the most supportive way. He told me all about it—he dresses to escape the reality of manhood, he gets sexual satisfaction out of it—and I only asked that he include me somehow in this world of his. That has not happened and I feel betrayed and lied to. I've to ask myself those dreaded questions ("Is he gay?" "Is he happy with his gender?") because he has not tried to have sex with me at all for such a long time. Being rejected like this really does take a toll on someone emotionally and mentally. I also have discovered he watches gay porn and porn with trans women. I confronted him about that as well and he denied it.

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I am so lost. I have offered him a pass to go explore his sexuality with different individuals—men and women—so he can find himself but he refused. He tried blaming his lack of sexual interest on his testosterone levels but his test results came back normal. I know he masturbates on a daily basis and now that is starting to brother me. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not know how I can continue being his partner if nothing changes. And what should I do?

Completely Lost Over Serious Estrangement

You should leave him. — Dan

Thank you for taking the time to read my email, I appreciate your reply. — CLOSE

That was curt. I'm sorry.

But I don’t see what you’re getting out of this relationship and I don't understand why you didn't end it long before you found those panties. (Not faulting, just wondering.) You wanna have a sexual relationship with your romantic partner, CLOSE, and that's a perfectly reasonable expectation—and it's one your boyfriend led you to believe he could meet. But adding what you've discovered in the last three months... his panties, his boobs, his porn preferences... adding that together with how long it's been since you've had sex... the math would seem to indicate that your boyfriend isn't interested in meeting your needs or is incapable of meeting them. So unless you're willing to settle for this... he's gotta go.

The most charitable read is that your boyfriend is a very complicated straightish guy who has neglected you out of disinterest in partnered sex generally. But even if that's the case, CLOSE, he sought out a partner—that would be you—knowing he wouldn't be able to meet their needs and could only be bothered to fake it until you'd committed to him. That's a shitty thing to do. Whether he's a closeted gay or bi man (or a closeted trans woman) or whether he's not interested in sex partners of any gender, CLOSE, he had no business initiating this relationship—or if he only realized this about himself recently, he has no business remaining in this relationship.

Maybe he didn’t know how unfair he was being; maybe he was into sex with you three years ago and he's only gradually come to realize that he's bi or gay or trans and his desire for you melted away as a result. But even if the most charitable read is the accurate one, CLOSE, your boyfriend isn't going to be able to meet your perfectly reasonable needs. So unless you’re willing to settle for a sexless relationship… you gotta go. — Dan

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Please do not apologize for being straight forward. I laughed at the one sentence answer, because it is a true statement. I appreciate you going more into depth regarding my situation. I do agree with you, I have discussed this with him and he is depressed, ashamed, and "lost." I told him to seek help from a professional. Unfortunately, due to the virus I am stuck in my situation until the lock down ends. So, I will have to hold on until I am able to separate ties officially. Thank you again, Dan, and stay safe and healthy! — CLOSE


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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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