I'm a heterosexual woman in my 40's with a very high libido, same as my partner. Since the lockdown started I have lost 50% of it and my partner (who is a total horny dog) has lost his entire libido and is nowhere to be found. I'm crossing my fingers and hope it shall pass once thing get back to normal. On the other hand he's lost a big chunk of his work due to coronavirus and as a self-employed woman I'm also experiencing financial discomfort. We're very concerned about our jobs. We're also worried about our older folks. I have two family members in the UCI connected to a ventilator as I type this.

Now that I think about it... my libido can go and f-ck himself.

Does not worrying about your libido cause to stay away further? Strangely enough, doing something else like household chores can summon it to the surface.

I find it interesting that Dan & Dr. Lehmiller both totally skipped over LW stating, “... my partner changing his medications in consultation with his doctor, but he has been doing that for years and it never had this effect...”

Well, it may not have happened before, but maybe THIS medication acts differently. Loss of libido so close to a change in meds certainly warrants a conversation with your doctor.

In what ways are you monogamish? Losing that aspect during isolation could affect his libido or interest in sexual activity at home.

At least this will make it easier to NOT HAVE ANY FUCKING KIDS.

@1: ugh, hope things improve for you and family.
@6: huh?

Now /that/ was a well-suited expert!

Everyone knows that things like stress/anxiety/depression affect other things like appetite and sleep (sometimes, in the same person, increasing and decreasing those behaviors at various times).

And I'm still intrigued by that Vonnegut's 1963 'Cat's Cradle' asserts that when the world is ending no one will want to fuck.

Given how compelling and comprehensive the expert's presentation was, it's surprising I can think of anything to mention he didn't cover. However:

LIBIDOS mentions a change of medications; if from that I can infer there was a change since the Now Times started, and that we're talking psychiatric meds, perhaps given the generally stronger need for such now, perhaps he's on a stronger one now. And such meds are very well-known to affect libido, so maybe a stronger one did. I won't suggest switching back, that would be his psychiatrist's role (but will note that they tend to not regard libido killing as a concerning side effect!), but that would be a way to test this hypothesis.

Fuuuu at someone getting cuddles and no sex. I'm so starved for anything even remotely haptic.

@8 p.s.
I just noticed that the line I included after "However" got disappeared.
(In that line I noted that I was repeating Donny@4 WRT the meds, but I'd already written it before I'd noticed.)

Why did it disappear? I put it inside of the brackets that look like less than, and equal signs. I just did a test and it seems whatever one puts inside such brackets disappears along with the brackets. If your comment includes nothing else, I just discovered, the site says "You have to write a comment."

Sorry to hear that patriciav, @2, hugs to you. Yes, stress about money is a big desire squasher.

There is a difference between living together and being isolated with someone in an apartment for five weeks as your life and normal schedule are upended. Wake and sleep cycles may have changed, exercise routines altered or ended, diets modified, and one's psychological state affected by being confined to a small area and without regular contact with people other than your partner. Any of those things, let alone all of them together could significantly reduce anyone's desire for sex. And not having any time apart from a partner - even a partner you love and to whom you are attracted - is not necessarily conducive to sexual interest.

I think the best advice is to try and maintain normal routines around waking up, eating, exercising, and stimulating your mind, including, to the extent safely possible, getting out of one's apartment to walk. Couples might also try to build in a few hours apart from one another this way too.

I think the advice around activities like erotic body massage is also good. It may not be the sex she wants, but it maintains a level of sexual connection and her partner can use her vibrator and toys on her as well.

Kinky sex several times a week? Where did they find the energy? If she/they expect sex to be kinky, perhaps that's part of the problem. He might have the energy for low-key vanilla sex but be too stressed out to deliver whatever kink they've been enjoying. Yes, if this is the first time you have experienced a stressful situation -- and I would say this is the most stressful situation I've ever been in, and it's globally stressful! -- it's not surprising he's only learning that stress zaps his libido. Sounds like you're dealing with it fine. I agree she could try to involve him in her masturbation -- that may get him turned on enough to join in.

Donny @4, yes. My guess is it's a bit of column A and a bit of column B. They can't change the lockdown situation, but they can change the meds. Start there and see what happens.

don't discount the meds change as a contributing factor.

@13 that was my thought as well. In addition to all the other plausible explanations, you just don't have a chance to miss each other. You're just up in each other's business all the time and you don't even have little anecdotes to share at the end of the day because you're both there all the damn time.

I wonder whether "permission" was LW's or partner's word, but it seems a good sign that a LW asked and was given leave.

SA @13 has good advice. Some sort of routine and find ways to get out of each other’s faces for several hours a day.

My libido tanked after the 2016 election. The reason for that is making itself conspicuous at this time as well.

Agree with all who say that the change in medication is the likely culprit. Tied with that is you can't see a doctor for anything that's less than life-threatening, and you can't see a doctor in person even for that. (I'm only exaggerating a little.) The doctor who changed the medications most probably did so through a brief teleconference which, under normal circumstances, wouldn't be considered good medical care. In this case, I'm recommending treating the underlying medical problem first, then seeing what's going on the sex life.

@21 Fichu
"the change in medication is the likely culprit"

I wouldn't go that far. But it was certainly a glaring omission to not explore that possibility first.

Ankyl @5 says something worthwhile, but I see a lot of projection and punditry in the other responses. And talk about an expert talking boilerplate! Polish the boilerplate and not polish the apple! Do not say anything specific, interesting or worthwhile at all! In my view, this was the worst expert wheeled on in the entire history of Savage Love.

The lw's husband is getting an inkling of what it would be like to be married to her (in his subconscious) and it's making him freeze. They are monogamish--for now. Of course they could in theory and with negotiation continue to be monogamish when they 'marry', 'commit in perpetuity' or have kids. (Or do they have kids already? I don't think we know). But the guy's subconscious thinks it will be harder. In a way, he sees his secondary or the other people he fucks as an escape valve. It's harder for him to perform without this.

One reason I think this is the lw's describing a relationship of 12 years as 'steady'. 'Steady?' As in 'going steady'? What you say when you're 14? I had the sense that she's psychologically or symbolically dependent on the guy's say-so for the relationship to continue. Ways for her to try kick-starting their sex life (if it really matters to her; if it matters more than just saying, 'there's a lot for us both to worry about right now' and letting it slide) might be: to say they can still be monogamish when they are formally or indissolubly committed to each other; to take it more upon herself to be monog or poly in her own sex life, as she chooses (if this isn't already a matter where she exercises a high degree of autonomy), and to ask him (if she doesn't already) how important the extra-mural sex he has is to him--whether it is his most exciting or liberatory or self-defining or expressive form of sex, or whether his most intense sex is in fact with her. I don't really see the lw's question meaning anything or deserving to be asked without the issue of kids--whether she has children with this man--coming up. This is the big picture of her relationship. If all she's asking is, 'can a man's--or a woman's--libido drop when they're stressed?', the answer is yes--but it doesn't seem like a very searching question.