.

Would love an update!

Oh, and great headline!

Beyond the perfectly articulated

"what if he wants to [change]"

, it's not as simple as "who he is". At most it's how he behaves, and even then it's only how he behaves when you're there.

Right? It doesn't sound like you mind if the behavior which you mind occurs when you're not there.

And this whole "who he is" thing only goes so far. No one is "who they are" period; I'm a different person with absolutely every single person I know. All the world's a stage, no one is just one character, no one has no acting 'range' (well, Trump appears to have very little range, but he's clinically insane).

(Admittedly I can take it too far, and end up 'matching energy' on some level, and then face an impossible situation when I'm with more than one friend at once, but back to my point..)

If someone is the least bit aware, their behavior isn't independent of who the other person is.

Just because you aren't willing to pay the "the price of admission" to spend time with the default him, or more likely the him he chose to try out on you to start with, maybe he just mis-read you and is behaving this way assuming you like it. (Which wouldn't be surprising: sometimes introvert/extrovert in relationships complement each other, I know introverts who delight in extrovert partners' energy, and in which the extrovert is grounded by their partner.). Why on Earth leave him to guess, let alone leave him literally, without using your words and telling him what you want?

Sheesh. It's like you have a relationship strategy in which things only work by luck or mind-reading. I do not understand why so many letter, and so many responses, skip directly to giving up without even trying.

Hey, I'm not saying he'll want to change or be able to change enough that that'll work for you; I'm saying that's something no one on Earth knows until you try.

Be bold. Try. If it doesn't work then you can give up knowing it was time to.

@4 p.s.
And maybe you'd be perfectly happy if he just dialed it down a bit.

Person in their 20's - He has a few flaws, so I think I should I dump him?
Person in their 40's - He has a few flaws, but I think I want to marry him?

When I was in my 20s, I wanted someone with a nice car, mots of money, good looking, respectful, from a nice family, and had a good sense of humor.

Now, I have just two questions:
Does he have a job?
Does he have a dick?

I disagree with this advice. This is exactly what the 90-day money-back-guarantee concept is for -- three months in, he's annoyed by this guy's loud personality. Now is the time to say, sorry, this isn't working for me. TOBS is right that this is who this guy is and he shouldn't expect, or even ask, him to change. TOBS, I learned this the hard way. Stick to your guns and don't spend the next year and a half listening to repeated promises to change but having the same argument over and over again when he doesn't -- because he can't. At three months the breakup will be easier for him to accept and move on from. Unless you want to keep him as a FWB only and not go out publicly, which sounds like the source of the issue. But he is only going to annoy you more as time goes on and the NRE wears off, so don't cave to his pressure or promises.

Josh @6, it's more like:
Person in their 20s: Flaws? What flaws, this person is hot and the sex is great. Surely the flaws will magically fix themselves!
Person in their 40s: Flaws? I don't care how hot you are, I've learned my lesson, not going there. Why am I single?

People in TOBS situation need to realize that finding someone with whom they shares personal interests, compatible personalities, compatible religious / philosophical outlooks, mutual sexual attraction, and complementary kinky interests is hard, and does not get any easier as the years go by.

I do appreciate the introvert / extrovert dynamic can present relationship challenges. But TOBS not only wants to be less social, he wants to blend in, and he wants his partner to do likewise. That is unreasonable and unnecessary, plenty of successful relationships have one introverted person and one extroverted person, where the introvert lets their extroverted partner shine. Mr. TOBS can be a little more conscious about discussing certain topics, but the conversation may always be a little loud, but unless Mr. TOBS is disrupting others, TOBS needs to worry less about being the noise police. Moreover, TOBS does not have to be by Mr. TOBS side while he works a room at a party, so it should not bother him when Mr. TOBS does so. Trust me, Mr. TOBS' friends will see soon enough that TOBS likes being a wallflower, and will just let him be during gatherings. But the real trick for people like TOBS is whether they can be gracious and let their extroverted partners be themselves, and not be a wet blanket.

I think Sublime@10 well-articulated the important point that the introvert, too, could ("be gracious" and) adapt to "let their...partner...be themselves".

In other words, both of them could perhaps adapt.

Let's take talking "about kink in the middle of crowded restaurants". Maybe the extrovert could dial down just the volume of key words that, if unheard by other tables, would no longer embarrass the introvert. Maybe the introvert could adapt to not give so many fucks what other people think.

Maybe they could and would be happy to meet somewhere in the middle. Or maybe neither of them has any capability for adaptation/growth, who knows.

I do know that I can easily dial in quite a range of the extrovert/introvert spectrum, but I imagine that came with growing not to give so many fucks about what people think.

I guess it's not an encouraging sign that TOBS just gave up.

I think BiDanFan@8 is right if neither of them can adapt. But remember, our dear letter writer has "been single for a VERY long time". I wonder if people who never have to face that possibility can be too quick to jump to recommending pulling the plug.

I'm not saying that lucky people who never have to be single long if they don't want to be shouldn't aim as high as they want and pull the plug as quickly as they want, I'm just saying that those of us less in demand without that luxury might benefit from a different approach.

a lot of extroverts get really whacky & forward in their 20s, pushing boundaries wherever they can. this is especially so if they've been constrained or shamed for their whackiness while growing up. eventually, most learn to moderate their behavior as they age. once they realize that they CAN be who they are, they eventually don't HAVE to always express it. a common trigger for starting to scale things back is when they realize that their behavior is hurting someone they don't want to hurt. of course, at other times, they can say... FUCK YOU!!! I AM WHO I AM!!!! dunno which your ex-bf is. if he is the former, i hope you all worked it out!!

Fair point, Curious @11. Presumably, though, TOBS had already included that factor in his decision to break up with the guy. (Remember he isn't asking whether to break up; he had already decided to do so.) Sure, if you have fewer choices, you have to be less picky. The counter argument I'd make is that this is so early in their relationship. Again, if something's bothering him two months in, when everything his new love interest does should be charming and endearing, it doesn't bode well for how annoying the same trait will be a year or five years from now. I mean, I guess he has nothing to lose by telling his ex he felt uncomfortable with Ex's volume. He may not have realised he was doing it and being told so may make him think. Philosophy makes a good point. But my gut is that TOBS should listen to his gut, and his gut is telling him to cut his losses. It would be interesting to know what he decided.

If the sex IS great, then did LW just downgrade BF to FWB? If so, that might give LW something to lose. And there's a chance they may be in a relatively small social kink circle.

When the open/discreet divide is about kink, the difficulties of the difference are likely to be magnified.

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