First up, In The Shallows took a pounding in the comments. But one reader came to his defense...
I think we can't go too far in shaming ITS. He made the classic mistake made by inexperienced guys: he thought sex was a rare commodity. Added to that, he probably had some residual guilt and headfuckiness from his religious upbringing. Of course, he wanted to hold onto the first person he slept with. In a sense, this dilemma was predestined. I see his path as "there but for the grace of God went I" thing: back when I was a green young thing, there were a couple of women I was not particularly attracted to who wanted to sleep with me. Thankfully, I pled shyness and inexperience and didn't go there... and I was still a dick and broke my first girlfriend's heart because I told her I didn't want to marry the first person I slept with... and that I also couldn't marry a non-Jewish woman, which is its own headfuckiness. I regret what I did to this day not because I didn't wind up with her, but because I was an asshole. My point? Sex education shouldn't just be about condoms and dental dams. It should also be an EMOTIONAL education. We should be taught to protect other people's feelings by having frank talks about what we expect out of relationships and what our emotional needs are BEFORE we sleep together. We need to normalize these conversations and this shit needs to be taught to kids just in the same way they need to be taught their bodies are their own.
The situation ITS's in isn't entirely his fault. It was to some degree predestined by both his upbringing and our toxic culture where women "have" sex and "give" it to men.
And...
Thank you for your great response to that poor excuse for a man who took no responsibility for his choices or attitude. My wife is easily 40 pounds heavier than when we first met. On the other hand, though I might be called scrawny, I'm in better shape now then I was fifteen years ago—but she has always loved my body, and I'm grateful that we have positive views of each other's body. (I don't see an overweight woman, I see a very sexy curvy woman!) There's no way my marriage would have lasted as long as it has if we weren't compatible EMOTIONALLY. While my once-slim wife jokes about being huge, I don't really notice; in fact I've gained such a strong association of sexual pleasure with her body type that I'm attracted to large women as much as slim women. Here's hoping ITS takes your advice and frees that poor woman to find someone who can appreciate all of her, not just her surface measurements. And that he learns to see beyond the surface!
About that column another reader says...
Not that you need to hear it (hopefully you get a lot of this) but I have been occasionally almost-moved to send a note of appreciation. Of course, semi-prurient interest is an attraction of your column, but today’s post in the Mercury ("Big Moves") reminded me that the deep humanity of it, delivered with just the right measure of snark, makes a difference in this world. I’ve worked in politics for a long time, trying to find ways to move people down the trail to justice just a little bit; the way you deliver sometimes tough advice in the interest of a better way of being offers a nice marker of ways to break through. So I don’t know what your email screener system is, but if you see this: thanks.
You're welcome. But in all honestly... I felt bad when I reread my advice for ITS. So I wrote to him and apologized for being overly harsh; my annoyed and impatient response no doubt contributed to him getting pounded in the comments. Fact of the matter is, ITS was abused—spiritually and psychologically—and wound up making choices he thought he had to. I want him to unmake those choices while doing as little harm as possible to his wife, who is essentially a knock-on-effect victim of the abuse ITS suffered. ITS replied...
I asked for honest feedback and that’s what you gave to me. I’m just glad you weren’t as brutal as some in the comments. (I’ve never been called an asshole so many times in my life but I guess it’s something I should get used to hearing.) I probably should have given you a little more context about my mental state when I met my wife—it was a difficult time in my life—but what’s done is done. If nothing else, you’ve helped me realize that my problem is much more complicated than just surface level attraction and that I need to seek professional help immediately. Anyway, thanks for addressing my question. I read your column frequently and always look forward to it. Well, almost always. This week's column was a tough pill to swallow. I hope you and your loved ones are doing well through everything that’s happening. — ITS
Regarding the very different kind of poundings FIRSTUP is looking forward to...
I wanted to thank you for your response to FIRSTUP. So many people are confused by the idea that a person can be a truly good friend without being in an exclusive monogamous relationship. I think it's sad that for so many people the only categories are "real relationship" and "transactional fuckbuddy." I also thought that the threesome idea was fun to think about.
Some other ideas that come to mind...
1. Staying 'in shape' by using dildos of various sizes, especially ones that can be affixed to something, for example, with a suction cup base, to simulate more intense thrusting than one's own arm can supply.
2. Plenty of lube.
3. Less irritating condoms, such as "Unique" brand condoms.
4. Hole rotation.
5. More foreplay. I don't want to insult FIRSTUP, but I have found that it's possible for me to be mentally turned on and ready before my body is quite as ready as my emotions and my mind. If this is also the case for FIRSTUP, then perhaps she can negotiate some erotic denial scenario so that the PIV doesn't start until well into the experience. I'm thinking one of those erotic treasure hunts where several other games are specified before PIV.
6. Consider seeing the new guy first under the condition of not allowing his dick in her. Sessions where only the female gets off can actually help in a "new connection" scenario. Some men enjoy themselves more if the added complication of their own dick is off the table. Trust me, a lot of guys appreciate having new material for the spank-bank, and it makes for much smoother sailing the next time you get together. I think women tend to over-estimate how much guys over the age of 25 want to "put it in." That way she can see the new guy for the warm up and then head over to long-standing guy for the main course. Sort of an asynchronous threesome. This is also a great way to signal to new guy that monogamy isn't on the table.I totally get it that sore pussies are a normal part of life, but sometimes there are little tips and tricks that can help a polyamorous, sex-positive lady overcome!
Regarding CAR...
I'm really surprised that neither Dan nor any of the commenters (so far) have addressed this: "I don't have the mental capacity to handle him breaking down into tears on top of everything else going on including, full-time work, 3-4 hours of commuting, cleaning the house, and cooking dinners." In addition to working full time in a stressful situation and spending 3-4 hours commuting, CAR still has to do the cooking and cleaning while their partner, who is out of work and home all day, apparently isn't taking on the bulk of these responsibilities? That seems as big a jerk move as not offering the loan of their car! I can't imagine why CAR wants to hang on to this guy.
A listener asked me to offer some moral support to everyone out there trying to remain sober during this difficult time. I did just that at the top of this week's show and the listener who prompted me writes...
Thank you for your response to my request that you give people in recovery some love during this pandemic! And a special thanks for putting it at the beginning of the show—that was great. You were very articulate, and my friends in recovery appreciated what you had to say as much as I did. I expected no less from you. Thank you for regularly demonstrating integrity on your show. Great work! P.S. Because of another comment you made on Episode 703, I am now trying to date other bi women instead of lesbians! (Things that make you say DUH!) Will check back in if I find one who is butch enough and kinky enough for me; no luck so far. And I'm so tired of straight men I could scream.
You're welcome and good luck. And while I know straight men present their own unique challenges... if you've been dating mostly straight men up to now... then most or all your bad dating experiences have been with straight men. Trust me: gay men, bi men, lesbians, bi woman, pansexuals, etc., can be awful too. My archives prove it.
Regarding Monday's SLLOTD...
I read the letter about the taste of shit. My husband tells me that if I ate something with the sweetener Stevia in it, that taste comes through. Nothing else does; there's no poo. Otherwise, there's no distinct taste. I'm guessing that if one ate hot peppers, that would burn one's tongue, since it burns the butthole on the way out.
And...
I have no experience with the flavor of ass, but I may have some relevant experience. About three years ago I had my rectum cut out because of cancer and ever since I've been far more attuned to what comes out of my bum. In addition to feces, the bowels produce significant amounts of mucus and other fluids, which I unfortunately frequently leak. I've noticed that my diet and gut microbiota can change the smell, color and consistency of these fluids. It would not surprise me if 'SHIT' is tasting this mucus, and tasting differences in different people's mucus. P.S. If nothing else, SHIT should get the HPV vaccine. HPV can cause rectal cancer.
And...
My tongue gets deep in ass because my tongue is fucking long (picture attached). I'm not overly bothered about douching, but most guys I fuck with do douche pretty deep so I tend to eat pristine ass. Get deep enough and most of them taste kind of sweet. Your writer isn't tasting shit. He's tasting colon.
And finally...
Man, Dan can be such a dick sometimes. The question we were all clamoring for? Doubtful. And he didn't even bother to answer? That's just fucking lazy. Thanks for nothing, Dan! Having said that, I've tasted the sweet taste too lived to tell about it. So no harm, no foul... right? Right?
Sometimes?
Okay, we're going to leave it there! Hope everyone has a great—and safe—weekend and we'll see you back here on Monday!
