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I'm a cis bisexual woman in her mid-20s who's been in a relationship with a wonderful queer man for about two years. I'm pretty kinky and my boyfriend, for the most part, is not. We've had plenty of talks about things we like, things we fantasize about, the works. He is very understanding of our differences and any time I bring up wanting to incorporate a bit more kink into our sex life he is very accommodating and does his best. He's said many times that he'd be willing to try X if X is something I want so long as I tell him when/where/how to do X. But I want him to WANT to do X and it loses its appeal if he's only doing it because I've given him in-depth instructions and it's totally not his thing.

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Our sex life is good but the lack of kink, BDSM, and dominance makes me feel pretty bleh sometimes. I adore him in every other way, more than I could ever say, but he is my first relationship AND my first sexual partner and I can't help but feel a little odd about never getting to fully explore this side of myself with somebody on my wavelength sexually. I proposed to him in November and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But how can I get around this?

I realize open relationships work for many people, but it honestly seems like a headache to me. But I don't know how else to explore that side of myself. Do I just watch porn and masturbate more? Do I push him to give me what I need? Once in a while he gets that I need somebody to so need me so desperately that they become overpowering in their passion and rough from there and he does that but then forgets about it. Do I need to keep pressing him to remember what I like until he doesn't forget? Any advice you can give me is massively appreciated. I've never been happier in my life, Dan, and just want to get this last piece of the puzzle figured out. And with circumstances as they are right now, he's my only in-person company and I want us to both feel satisfied in every way.

Bedrock Desires Straining My Entirely Rewarding Relationship

You wanna do X and your fiancé is willing to do X but knowing your fiancé is only doing X to please you ruins X for you.

One possible solution? Doing X with other people—once circumstances allow, of course. But you don't wanna do X with other people because open relationships are a headache. (Unlike closed relationships, which are famously headache-free.) Which leaves doing X with your fiancé... which you don't wanna do because it doesn't work. So that leaves going without X entirely... which you don't wanna because you really, really wanna do X and going without something you need so badly to feel sexually fulfilled is a recipe for the kind of resentment that destabilizes relationships.

You say you've had rough/kinky sex with with your fiancé and that you enjoyed it, BDSMER, so there's clearly some small degree of ability or affinity in him for the kind of kink play you enjoy. You just wish you didn't have to have to prompt him so much or give him step-by-step instructions. Having to prompt him may be the price of admission you have to pay to be in this relationship. But if you prompt him consistently and patiently—if you recognize you're playing the long game here—your fiancé may one day catch a groove and start initiating the kind of rough sex you enjoy without being prompted or needing in-depth/step-by-step instructions. Once he gets into that groove and has a better feel for what it is you like, he may feel more confident about initiating and better able to mix and match and riff on your interests and the D/s themes that run through them. (And, I'm sorry, you don't want someone new to D/s or BDSM to just start winging it. You want to tell him what you want and for him to stick to those things for the time being.)

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If you give him a chance—if you give kink play with him a chance—he may surprise you by growing into the dominant role. And if he's willing to power through whatever self-consciousness he feels about being more dominant sexually, the least you can do is power through whatever self-consciousness you feel about him "only doing it" for you.

And finally, BDSMERR, while you guys are cooped up at home, I'd recommend ordering The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. Read, discuss, and play.


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