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My wife is one of those women who need manual stimulation of her clit during sex to climax. Before meeting her, I had several long-term girlfriends, and not one needed to do this in order to climax. Before we got married, I explained that I wanted to explore and push the boundaries, and she promised me that would happen. But she has no fantasies, kinks, or fetishes, and she's not into any of the things I've proposed. Bringing this all together is that when we are having sex, she's so fixated on stimulating her clit, it's almost like we are in two different worlds. When she's working toward an orgasm, her eyes are shut and she's concentrating on the rubbing—whether she's doing it or I am—and I can't help but wonder if the work it takes to get her to orgasm is part of the reason she's not interested in exploring. I've talked to her several times about how I'm yearning to do more, but I haven't brought up my thoughts on how the way she comes may be affecting things.

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Come As You Are

My thoughts, in no particular order...

1. Three out of four women need direct, focused, and sometimes intense stimulation of their clit in order to climax—sailing a dick up the vaginal canal isn't going to do it for most women—so either you lucked out and all of your previous girlfriends were 25 percenters or many/most/all of your previous girlfriends were faking it.

2. I've never met a man who wasn't fixated on stimulating his dick during sex and/or having his dick stimulated for him during sex.

3. If your wife is picking up on your negativity about the way her pussy works, that could negatively impact her enthusiasm for sex in general and sex with you in particular.

4. Your wife is fantasizing about something when she closes her eyes and starts rubbing her clit. You might be able to have more productive conversations about your sex life—and your desire for a more adventurous one—if you drew her out about what's going on in her head when she's getting off. Tell her how sexy she looks, tell her you would love to know what she's thinking about, tell her how hot her fantasy is if she opens up about it (and don't freak out if she's not fantasizing about you), carefully build on her fantasy with some dirty talk. Once she opens up about whatever it is that's unspooling in her head, you can suggest realizing her fantasies in real life—and a few of yours as well.

5. And... um... lastly... your wife may need to block you out—she may need to clamp her eyes shut—in order to climax because... um... she may not be sexually attracted to you. That's harsh, I realize, and I hope that's not the case. But if marital sex for her is a joyless exercise—she gets you off then clamps her eyes shut and gets herself off—then this is a problem that can't be fixed, and spending the next five decades trying to fix it will be both futile and frustrating.

Here's hoping your wife's issue is something more common and something that can be fixed—she's sexually repressed but can work through it, this clamp-eyes-and-rub-clit routine was her masturbatory go-to for years but you two can find new and exciting ways to get her off. Those new and exciting ways to get her off will most likely require her to fixate on stimulating her clit—and that's okay.

Just because a woman closes her eyes during sex doesn't mean she's fantasizing about something. I love to look my husband in the eyes, but sometimes when I'm trying to get off, I just need to close my eyes and concentrate on what I'm feeling. Visual input is too distracting and makes it hard to focus. I get off pretty much every time we make love, but some times require more concentration than others.

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Concentrating On My Euphoria

COME is referring to my advice a couple of weeks back for Come As You Are, a man whose wife had to lean back, close her eyes, and rub her clit in order to come. I advised CAYA to ask his wife what she was thinking about when she did that—what scenario she was fantasizing about—and not to panic if she wasn't thinking about him.

Lots of women wrote in to say that they do—they must do—the same thing CAYA's wife does in order to come: close their eyes and concentrate. A majority, like COME, said they're not fantasizing about anything in particular; they're just concentrating on the sensations. But a large minority said that they have specific and sometimes wild/unrealizable/disturbing fantasies that they have to concentrate on in order to climax. Just as every fantasy doesn't have to be realized, not every fantasy has to be shared. But women (and men) who are lucky enough to have a loving, supportive, secure, and game partner should consider bringing their partner in. Allowing a partner to play an active role in your wild/unrealizable fantasies—through dirty talk—will make your partner feel like a part of your fantasy world (and your orgasms) and not an exile from it.

The letter from Come Are You Are was originally published on May 15, 2015. The response from Concentrating On My Euphoria was originally published on May 27, 2015.



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