I have an amazing and supportive husband. We've been together fourteen years and have a blended Brady Bunch of five kiddos. We've been active in the swinger community whenever we get the chance for the last ten years. We have mismatched libidos, but I'm sure part of that has to do with us having a significant age gap. (He's older, I'm younger.) I cheated on him once with a married mutual friend (we will call him "Bob"), admitted it, and the end result of that convo was my hubs agreeing that I could have other partners to help meet my needs. He even agreed to me still seeing Bob, but on the condition that it was "DADT." See, Dan? My husband is amazing and I just about worship the man.

Here's the deal with Bob though, for the last year I've been "hyper-aware" of him whenever he's in the same room as me. I get slightly breathless, my skin tingles, and every interaction between us is charged. He will just smile at me from across the room and I get instantly wet. As a swinger, I've been with tons of other men, I've had threesomes, been to a few orgies. We are still friends with most of the people we've played with and I've never had this strange, uncomfortable feeling as I've had around Bob. His wife finds it pretty hot and has given the okay for us to play—we even had a threesome (me, Bob, his wife), but they are closet swingers and twice she's gotten upset when non-swinger friends have noticed the electricity passing between Bob and I.

Dan, I don't like these sensations and I'm not in love with Bob—so why these intense feelings? I will go several months without being around him, rarely think about him, and think that the feeling is bound to have gone away... and nope, it's just as intense when I'm around him again and I feel so out of control. Afterwards I always feel extremely guilty, sick to my stomach over it, and it's worse when we actually do have sex. Why? I'm not a CPOS! There's permission from both spouses! I wish I could talk to my husband about it, but there's his request of DADT. Please Dan, shed some light on this for me!

No Clever Acronym

You're a married woman and there's this one guy who isn't your husband that you really wanna fuck... and this guy is married and has no desire to leave his wife... which means he presents no threat to your marriage... and your husband is fine with you fucking this guy (with certain conditions) and his wife is fine with her husband fucking you (so long as you're discreet)... and he's not the only guy besides your husband you get to fuck...

I'd say we can safely file this one under "pretty good problem to have."

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As for why you go all tingly and damp when he's around, NCA, the answer seems both obvious and insufficient: like it or not, you and this guy have amazing chemistry. It's that simple. The chemistry between you two is so incredibly intense that find it unnerving—and you're not the only one. His wife doesn't wanna see it (or doesn't want her non-swinging friends to see it) and your husband doesn't wanna hear about it (hence the DADT). To have that kind of chemistry with someone, to experience that kind of desire, can feel overwhelming. And while you're not out of control—you've managed to honor that DADT and tamp it down in front of non-swinging friends—you feel like you're not entirely in control either. Because you're not. Every time you lay eyes and/or thighs on this guy, NCA, you're reminded of something most of us prefer to live in denial about: sex is more powerful than we. It's why desire can feel like a kind of madness.

And even though this guy isn't a threat to your marriage now, NCA, he was a threat to your marriage when you fucked him behind your husband's back. You had no way of knowing that your husband would take that betrayal in stride, NCA, much less give you his blessing to keep fucking the mutual friend who fucked his wife behind his back. So while you're not a cheating piece of shit anymore, NCA, you were a CPOS that one time—and its possible some part of your brain still associates this guy with that dangerous betrayal. And while the disclosure (or exposure) of the affair didn't kill your marriage, it was a near-marital-death experience. So when you see this guy you're not only forced to confront your powerful desire to fuck him, NCA, but forced to face your own failings and shortcomings as a spouse and the risk you took fucking that guy the first time.


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.