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Due to sheltering at home for over two months I am isolated and sad. Shocking, I know. I live alone and was laid off in March so I've had nothing but time as of late. Enter Online Crush Dude, a friend I recently met online who lives far away and with whom I've been chatting quite a bit in a very intimate way. We have a great connection, vibe perfectly, and trade banter on every subject from preferred porn genres to movies.

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I enjoy his company a lot and after finding out that our sexual preferences sync up perfectly it's been difficult to fantasize about anything other than him. That combined with my isolation has developed this into a major crush and I'm honestly wondering if I should pursue it or ride it out till I have some semblance of a life again and judge this/him based on the merits then. Do I mention this to him, ask him if he's feeling the same, and pursue this sexy bastard? Or do I chill my fucking tits and see if it's just quarantine cabin fever talking? Thanks so much for your work, this bi bitch appreciates it deeply.

Breaking Into Totally Complete Heat

You're isolated and sad and Donald Trump is still alive and there's this one thing in your life that brings you joy and you're asking me if you should cut that one thing of your life? Or minimize it somehow because of the timing?

Fuck no. Enjoy this guy, BITCH. Do whatever's the opposite of cooling your tits. (Toast your tits? Microwave your tits? BENGAY® your tits?)

Sure, it could be quarantine cabin fever—you can never know if you're really into someone until you've met them and tasted their spit—but so what if it is QCF? If talking to this guy and bantering about your porn preferences and masturbating furiously to the thought of him helps you pass the time and keeps you sane, BITCH, you should keep talking, bantering, and masturbating.

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You should also relax: there's nothing you need to pursue here, BITCH, as you've already got everything it's possible for him to give you. At the moment. You have his time, his attention, and his virtual company. Until it's possible to travel again—until you can sit on that dick—what more could you want from him? And you should tell Online Crush Dude that you're crushing on him. If you're chatting about porn preferences and sexual interests, BITCH, then he's almost certainly crushing on you too. And in your case the stakes of disclosure couldn't be lower; if OCD freaks or bolts, what you have lost? A connection that may or may not have worked out once you were finally able to that person in real life. Online crushes, while intensely felt, aren't that hard to find and are easily replaced.

And if you're not into this guy when you finally meet in person, BITCH, or if he's not into you, at that point you can shrug and say, "Hey, we all did some crazy stuff to pass the time during the pandemic, didn't we?"


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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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