Its time to show that package on OnlyFans, Ken.
It's time to show that package on OnlyFans, Ken. Kyle Monk / Getty Images

Fuck your COVID-19 relief: Says the United States Senate as they go on vacation until after Labor Day without passing another COVID-19 relief package. This week—which was technically supposed to be the first of the vacation (which, I'm sorry, these windbags get over three weeks of vacation?!?) was the last-ditch effort to get agreement between parties. It didn't work.

Meanwhile, the airplane industry is cratering: Carlisle Interconnect Technologies (CIT) in Kent, which is responsible for making a bunch of interior plane stuff, is about to lay off around 595 people. The downturn in the aerospace design industry first started when Boeing's 737 MAX 8 was grounded and continued when the pandemic grounded flights worldwide.

Fortnite was kicked out of Apple's App Store and the Google Play store: Now Fortnite's developer, Epic Games, is suing Apple. The issue began yesterday when Epic introduced the ability for players to buy "V-Bucks" directly on the Fortnite app, instead of through the App Store and Google Play store. To encourage users to use that direct payment method, Epic offered users a 20% discount by purchasing the "V-Bucks" directly from them. This practice is in violation of both the App Store and Google Play store's guidelines. Epic argues, along with many others, that this practice is monopolistic. As an NBC headline reads: "Fortnite conquered the video game world. Now, it's taking on Google and Apple." Check out this epic video Epic had at the ready:

Downtown shooting: Police are investigating a 1:00 p.m. shooting downtown at Fourth Avenue and Pine Street. A man was found with gunshot wounds in both his legs. One man has been arrested so far.

The Austin City Council has voted to cut around one-third of the Austin Police Department's budget: That came to around $150 million. Seems like we won't be the only ones lodged in the conservative news cycle.

Fox News puts Biden 7 points ahead of Trump: 49 to 42 in a nationwide poll. The Washington Post notes that "Voters overwhelmingly thought Biden would do a better job than Trump on every issue except the economy, where Trump fared slightly better," which makes me think the surveyors only polled a monocled real estate investor named Dow Rockefeller Jones III. Anyhow, there are 89 long days until the election, and FiveThirtyEight tells us that Trump wins 1 out of every 3 election simulations. Time to text like hell and save the post office.

USPS is removing mailboxes in Portland and Eugene: Those big, blue mailboxes where people, you know, mail their letters are being removed in Oregon cities. The Willamette Week confirmed it was happening. When asked, USPS workers said only mailboxes in a cluster (no solo boxes) are being removed. However, mailbox removal has been reported across the country. The reasoning is that mail volume is down due to the coronavirus.

A really good idea: DM your mailperson.


Cliff Mass claps back: The King of Weather got kicked from his weather slot on KNKX after his blog post last week compared protests in Seattle to Kristallnacht. He is now urging his followers to cancel KNKX. His big takedown is long and convoluted but if you want to dive into it, be my guest.

Trump is back on his birther bullshit: At a "press conference" today, according to the BBC, Trump spread a false rumor about Sen. Kamala Harris's eligibility to run as Vice President. "I just heard it today that she doesn't meet the requirements and by the way the lawyer that wrote that piece is a very highly qualified, very talented lawyer...But that's very serious, you're saying that, they're saying that she doesn't qualify because she wasn't born in this country," he rambled. Harris was born in the country. As the BBC explained, Trump was referring to an argument advanced in a Newsweek op-ed, which held that since Harris's parents were immigrants, she might not be a citizen if she was born while her parents were on a student visa. The dean of Berkeley Law school told the BBC the argument was "silly," citing Section 1 of the 14th Amendment, which reads, "Anyone born in the United States is a United States citizen." Of course, here I am falling into the trap of talking about a dumb Trump thing that doesn't matter, and yet also wanting to amplify the facts.

Looks like all the votes are counted in Pierce County: And the progressive Democratic Challenger in the 29th Legislative District, Sharlett Mena, is down 102 votes and also less than 1/2 of 1% of the total number of votes cast for both candidates. According to the Secretary of State guidelines, that close of a result should trigger a mandatory machine recount. No word yet on whether Mena plans to chase ballots, but I'll update if I hear back. Mena is facing off against twenty-year incumbent Democrat Steve Kirby, who referred to her as a "carpetbagger" in a mailer. He apologized, saying he had never learned the racist history of the phrase.

It's lion hunting time: Well, lions of the sea. It's been approved that up to 840 sea lions who roam a portion of the Columbia River may be killed over the next five years, reports the Seattle Times. The controversial program is for a good cause: making sure salmon and steelhead don't go extinct. The sea lions are the best part of visiting Astoria, Oregon, but I guess they must be put to death for all their fish murdering.

This is cool: Okay, I don't know how many of you understand Tik Tok. But I can do a crash course for the, um, less savvy. Basically, it's a video sharing app that is intrinsically linked to sound. That's sound like songs and mash-ups or voice-overs or all of the above. Once a Tik Tok is uploaded, the sound is just part of the app and anyone can use it. So things become memeified and cemented in an internal Tik Tok zeitgeist really easily. Here's a video showing the most popular Tik Tok sounds from this year:

Big primary year for Washington: Hell yeah, baby, turnout was 55% in Washington during the primary. That's the highest number of voters in a Washington primary in five decades. That's still not even the final turnout number, apparently. That will come sometime next week. In the meantime, go Washington. Proud that just over half of you got out the vote.

You think you've had a bad week? A Russian powerlifter just broke both of his kneecaps trying to squat with a 900-pound weight.

Seattle parents are pivoting to education pods: School is going to be remote next year. It could be a completely remote school year or a hybrid of in-person and online classes. Who knows! What Seattle parents do know is that they want their kids learning and socializing. So, some parents are creating learning pods—small groups of socially distant kids that will be taught by a tutor. It's an equity nightmare. Not all parents have the time and money to schedule supplemental education for their kids. The education gap will get worse. “I didn’t create the equity gap,” one parent, who is making a learning pod in her garage, said according to the Seattle Times.

Working from home? Feeling like ass? Take 15 minutes of your day to do this, please.

A police dog was killed: In an officer-involved shooting in Tacoma. There was another officer involved other than the dog officer (this isn't Paw Patrol, you fucks). The Tacoma Police Department was tracking a suspect in a drive-by shooting. The suspect exchanged gunfire with police during a foot pursuit. The dog cop, Roja, was hit and killed. The suspect is in critical condition.

9/11 is canceled: