Unconfirmed if this image is authentic, but oh what a delight if its real
Unconfirmed if this image is authentic, but oh what a delight if it's real

Herlock! It’s the name on everyone’s lips, by which I mean everyone’s typing-fingers, but as the saying goes, the fingers are the lips of the hands. Anyway, Herlock! Allow me to present to you: Herlock Sholmes, the world’s datest gretective! I'm obsessed.

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You see, there was a big video game attack a few weeks ago, and a bunch of naughty computer babies snuck into Capcom’s servers and grabbed a bunch of files. They demanded a ransom payment from the company, or else they’d publicly release what they found. Apparently Capcom wasn’t in the mood to tango because the internet is now flooded with what the hackers claim are classified documents revealing the company’s plans, financial data, and a whole bunch of personal customer info.

There’s a whole bunch of fascinating tidbits to sift through in the data dump, but I can’t stop thinking about one in particular. Fittingly, it’s a mysterious clue from which one might formulate some clever deductions. And one of those deductions has led nerd-sleuths to theorize that we will soon see my new boyfriend, Herlock Sholmes, the name I can’t stop saying, Herlock Sholmes, Herlock Sholmes, Herlock Sholmes. I am hypnotized.

It’s important to note that most of the leaked info has not been confirmed as authentic by Capcom, but then again why would they? Buried in the files are signs that Capcom may release a compilation of Phoenix Wright games, which are basically cute little crime-solving simulators. One of the games might be a title released in Japan but never in the U.S. that included an idiot detective character named Sherlock Holmes. Bringing this character to the west could be a dicey proposition because The Sir Arthur Conan Doyle estate is famously litigious around the name. Perhaps that’s why the leaked screenshots show that his name has been changed to Herlock Sholmes. The perfect crime!!!!

This wouldn’t be the first time the Herlock gambit has been employed. Herlock was originally seen in the wild over a century ago, in the book “Arsène Lupin contre Herlock Sholmes,” written by a French author who was miffed that he couldn’t use the Doyle character’s name in his own fanfic. The name was further mangled a few years later in a U.K. version as “Holmlock Shears,” and this game of international trademark telephone could not possibly delight me more. I want to see Capcom go even further by inserting Honic the Sedgehog, Sart Bimpson, and Chaster Meef.

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The leaked docs (if they are indeed authentic) also suggest that Capcom is working on adding multiplayer features to Resident Evil and porting some Resident Evil titles to VR, which would be quite the terror. I’m looking forward to all the viral videos of headset-wearing gamers thrashing around and screaming as virtual monsters lunge at them. There may also be PC releases of Monster Hunter titles that, for now, are Switch-exclusive.

And then there’s the personal data leak, which is not so fun. That’s the one piece of the leak that Capcom has indeed confirmed, and it includes lots of names and birthdates and addresses and more. As always, it’s a good idea to change your passwords frequently, keep an eye on your credit report, and if necessary, change your name by flipping a few letters around so nobody can possibly connect you with your previous identity. Thank you for reading The Stranger, Seattle's nonely oozepaper.