This judge isnt wearing gloves because of coronavirus, hes worried about getting splashed by whatevers trickling down Giulianis face
This judge isn't wearing gloves because of coronavirus, he's worried about getting splashed by whatever's trickling down Giuliani's face AndreyPopov/Getty Images

Another day, another humiliation for Rudy Giuliani: This weekend a judge laughed Rudy Giuliani out of court, and not because the former mayor couldn’t keep his hands out of his pants. Judge Matthew Brann found that not only did Giuliani fail to make a case for why millions of Pennsylvanian voters’ ballots should be thrown out, but that the whole lawsuit is so incompetent it should be dismissed “with prejudice.” Meanwhile, the New York Times conducted a hard-hitting investigation into why Giuliani's flop sweat is the color of a burst septic tank. So, all in all, it’s been a great couple of weeks for Trump's personal lawyer.

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Republicans love the Kenosha killer: Conservatives donated two million dollars to spring Kyle Rittenhouse out of jail, where he was awaiting trial for killing two people at a Black Lives Matter protest in Wisconsin. AOC called the move “protection for white supremacy,” and Republicans are talking about running the 17-year-old for Congress.

Everyone knows Loren Culp lost except Loren Culp: The failed Republican gubernatorial candidate lost to Jay Inslee by around half a million votes, but he refuses to concede. While it might not seem like Culp matters at this point — it’s not like Inslee needs some rando’s permission to continue being governor after winning the election — it’s an uncomfortable sign that the wackier wing of the Republican party no longer sees any reason to pretend they’re interested in following the rules. Maybe Culp will disappear into obscurity; after all, he organized a protest in Olympia last week that was attended by a whopping 20 people. But I fear that one disgruntled crackpot may try to escalate the situation with violence, so let’s hope his followers are as bad at sabotaging democracy as they are at picking candidates.

A Renton man was arrested for fatally stabbing his 11-year-old brother: The 22-year-old apparently got into a confrontation with his kid brother and killed him this weekend. KIRO got an interview with a neighbor, and also footage of the arrest — it’s rather distressing, and if you happen to see a clip of the arrest scrolling by on social media, I can’t think of a reason why you should watch it.

Police have arrested a suspect in the Milwaukee mall shooting: He’s a 15-year-old boy. Nobody was killed in the incident, but eight people were injured. Police described the suspect as Hispanic, so unlike Kyle Rittenhouse, Republicans probably won’t be interested in fundraising for his release.

There’s a snowy owl in Queen Anne: They don’t normally nest around these parts, so if you’re bird-minded grab some binoculars or a camera and get peeping. Meanwhile, a saw-whet owl was discovered in the limbs of the Rockefeller Christmas tree, probably trapped when the tree was felled and wrapped in plastic for a 200-mile journey to New York. The killing of the tree is likely to have been devastating for numerous nesting birds, so, happy holidays!

Jupiter and Saturn are teaming up: Keep your eyes up, because we’re about one month away from Jupiter and Saturn sliding into the same position in the sky. The last time they appeared this close was the 13th century, and the next time will be 2040. It’s also an astrologically significant occurrence, not for any actual reason but because it’s fun to pretend that astrology is real.

Moose licks prohibited: In news that will come as a disappointment to cars across northern Canada, government officials have asked residents to try to prevent moose from licking their vehicles. They like the taste of accumulated salt used to de-ice roads, you see, and officials fear that could lead to unfortunate interactions between humans and animals. Delightfully, the warning was programmed into one of those roadside signs, but because of the length of the message it appears as “DO NOT LET MOOSE” on one screen and “LICK YOUR CAR” on the other, which means that someone who only sees the second screen might think they’re receiving a very different instruction.

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The Nintendo theme park will open in the near future: Scheduled to be open in the spring, the Osaka theme park looks absolutely stunning. They’ve got castles for Peach and Bowser, mushroom homes, coin blocks everywhere you look, and pipes galore. Just absolutely beautiful, and I can’t wait to visit — though at the rate things are going here in America, I wouldn’t be surprised if Americans are never allowed into another country ever again. Fortunately, construction on a similar version started last month in Los Angeles, which will be fun to visit if any of us survive.

Turkeys are friendly: Here is a video of a man and a turkey cuddling. I can personally attest to Tofurky-brand Veggie Roasts being surprisingly delicious — and I usually hate that kind of no-meat meat — but for some reason only a handful of stores carry it in Seattle. HARRUMPH.

Yosemite Sam made love to a fish: For years, I've been telling people that sometime in the late 90s I once went to a mall in suburban Massachusetts that had a statue of Yosemite Sam engaging in what appeared to be the physical act of love with a fish. Nobody believed me, for some reason, but this weekend I was going through old files on my computer and discovered that teenage me apparently had the presence of mind to take a photo. Feast your eyes, world.