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The new game Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity features heroes from the Zelda games fighting hordes of monsters. Each one has fabulous, incredible powers. But do they have the power to do drag?

I ask because one of the heroes, Urbosa, has intense drag queen energy, with big hair, high heels, confidence for days, and a sassy snap that slays her enemies. That got me thinking: If all of the main heroes of Age of Calamity were drag performers, what songs would they do? And so naturally, as one does, I have evaluated them and assigned drag numbers to each in the latest installment of Play Date, a very serious video game analysis series.

For Urbosa, I considered "Greased Lightning" since her primary weapon is electricity; also the song "We Belong" because Pat Benatar briefly says that we belong to the thunder, which is a bold meteorological declaration. Ultimately, though, I went with "My Humps" because Urbosa lives in the desert and pilots a giant mechanical camel.

Then there’s Impa, close friend and confidant of Princess Zelda. Because they’re so close, I went with "Thank You for Being a Friend."

Daruk, leader of the volcanic Gorons, gets a number that’s a bit more choreographically intensive: The Goddess number from Showgirls. Daruk lives amongst lava and explosions so it’s a perfect fit, and also he’s already wearing next to nothing.

I’m sorry to be so on-the-nose with Mipha, the fishy princess of the Rito, but she’s going to have to get "Part of Your World." Her situation is just too similar to that of Ariel. She longs to leave home on an adventure and harbors a secret crush on Link. And as long as we’re doing a song from The Little Mermaid, let’s just have her do a quick change and perform "Poor Unfortunate Souls" since it’s always a crowd-pleaser for the gays.

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That leaves us with the Princess and the Hero of Time, Zelda and Link. Zelda, a bit of a worrier in the Hyrule Warriors games, will get "Hyperballad" because I feel like her thoughtful anxiety is a good fit for Bjork. And for Link, who never speaks, I’m split between "Express Yourself" and "Silent All These Years." Maybe he can do double duty, one number before intermission and a second at the end of the show.

So there you have it—please, if you're a drag performer, feel free to take any of these ideas and use them in your show, and let your completely bewildered audience know that it’s all my fault. And if you'd like to join me for livestreams of more games, join me over at twitch.tv/mattbaume—Today at 2 pm I'm launching Furry Fridays, a weekly stream of furry-friendly games, because it's 2020 and fuck it.


This Play Date video is sponsored by Activefireball, who streams RPGs all the time, 100% 24/7 RPG's all the time ... Except when they're not. Catch them every morning from 8AM-9:30AM Monday through Sunday at twitch.tv/activefireball.