Already dreading how many times Ill have to say in my old age, no, really, things really were that dumb
Already dreading how many times I'll have to say in my old age, "no, really, things really were that dumb." Michael Vi/Getty Images

Trump said he wouldn’t sign the bill before he signed the bill: Look, nobody really liked the spending and relief bill passed by Congress last week, but without it the government would have shut down at the end of the day today and unemployment payments would have stopped as well. Trump insisted it was a lousy bill and he wouldn’t sign it, but then late last night he did, so…thanks, I guess.

Washington will send $550 checks to nearly 100,000 people: It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing. Governor Inslee announced that the state will extend one-time payments to tens of thousands of gig and freelance workers who would have lost federal unemployment benefits due to Trump’s Christmas surprise.

The Nashville bombing is catnip for conspiracy weirdos: Police say a 63-year-old man named Anthony Quinn Warner drove an RV to a relatively empty section of downtown Nashville and then blew it up. Nobody can figure out why except for countless weirdos on Twitter who are convinced it had something to do with voting machines, a missile, the deed to a house, and a lamppost named Crystal. There’s no evidence for those theories or any other, of course. If you’re that desperate for a story that all adds up into a nice neat package, allow me to suggest The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, one of Agatha Christie’s more satisfying novels.

What happens to the people cleared from encampments? The Seattle Times put together an informative little Q&A about Seattle’s new team that will conduct outreach in encampments of unhoused people in 2021. The paper does a nice job of explaining the city’s policy on clearing camps, on the outreach workers’ relationship with the mayor’s office and police department, and notes that there are numerous organizations working with unhoused people. But there’s one big question they don’t delve into: When a camp is cleared and the people living there scattered, where are they supposed to go?

Have you seen these dogs? Two service dogs belonging to Nayla and Dakotah Burkes were stolen on December 23. The dogs are trained to help Nayla with seizures, and she desperately needs them back. One was turned in this weekend to a Petco, but the other is still missing. Keep an eye out for two pit bulls, last seen near 143rd and Dayton Ave N.

New COVID testing sites are now available: The city has opened three additional sites in the last week, one in Lower Woodland Park, another at 2nd and Republican, and a third at the old UW laundry building near the Mount Baker station. Reservations are required, they’re free, and they require an oral swab instead of the dreadful poke-your-brain nasal version.

People in ancient Pompeii liked to eat hot chip: A nearly 2,000-year-old street food stall has been uncovered, complete with colorful frescoes of lounging ladies and poultry. The stall sold pork, beef, fish, and some kind of dish involving snails. It is all, as Crassus says, a matter of taste and not appetite.

The New Year’s show at the Needle is going to be weird: No fireworks, no big light show, and of course no crowds. This year the Space Needle will ring things in with a virtual show that you can watch online. A sneak peek shows the structure surrounded in what looks like UFOs and tentacles, which frankly sounds like a dream come true.

Police vs furries: This weekend, furry-Twitter discovered that for some reason the National Police Association has blocked seemingly all furries. Nobody can figure out why. But now is as good a time as any to point out that multiple police departments have distanced themselves from the NPA over its fundraising tactics, with one chief using the word "scam" to describe it. Expect to see art of a very cross-looking Chief Bogo next time you check FurAffinity.

Balloon Boy’s parents have been pardoned: At last, our long national nightmare is at an end. The parents who claimed their young son had been carried away by a balloon, only for the boy to reveal during a live interview that the whole thing was staged, were just granted a full pardon over a decade later. Why now??? Who knows. But now that his record is cleared, the dad says that he’ll apply to get a general contractor’s license and will attempt to get on the show Shark Tank.

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The hot new trend is The Great Muppet Caper: I don’t know why but for some reason my Twitter timeline is overrun with clips from The Great Muppet Caper right now and I’m not mad about it. This scene with John Cleese is one of the greatest things ever committed to film.

I'm getting a yarn baller today and will be more powerful than you can possibly imagine: Goodbye, messy hand-wrapped balls of yarn. I've finally caved and will be picking up my swift and yarn baller today, transforming my shelf from a messy plop of loosely-arranged piles of multicolored spaghetti into a meticulously organized military formation of beautiful balls. And then I'm going to knit the shit out of some scarves. Nobody can stop me now. NOBODY.