Is it obvious that I dont know what the fuck Im doing?
"Is it obvious that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing?" GETTY NEWS

Here's your daily evening round-up of the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to The Stranger to keep it comin'!)

It's time for our abusive ex-president's second impeachment trial: As everyone will remind you, it's unlikely that enough senators will vote to convict Trump since it requires a two-thirds majority and Republicans are scared of their freaky darkweb base. Still, we might as well enjoy the spectacle while we can. The impeachment managers dropped a video detailing the Capitol Insurrection this morning. Watch it in full:

The main business today was affirming that the trial was constitutional: The Senate voted 56-44 in favor of the trial's constitutionality, with Republican senators Romney, Collins, Murkowski, Cassidy, Sasse, and Toomey voting along with Democrats. (That's six Republicans if you're counting.) McConnell sided with Trump's defense. It seems, again, unlikely that Republican senators will vote to convict Trump in a trial they believe is unconstitutional, but hey, maybe I'm too pessimistic.

Trump's lawyers—one of whom actually sued the former prez last year—were given the floor today, and... well, what can you say, other than you get what you paid for: They rambled incoherently for a while, blamed the Democrats for the insurrection, and claimed the impeachment trial will likely cause a civil war and is "disenfranchising" Trump voters... ummmm, like Trump did to people of color during the election? OH MY GOD WHO HIRED THESE LOSERS?

Even Ted Cruz thought Trump's lawyers shit the bed: Or, as Cruz told the Washington Post, "I don’t think the lawyers did the most effective job."

While Trump's lawyers weren't effective, impeachment manager Jamie Raskin was: But was he effective enough to move Republicans to vote to convict?

One of the last detention centers for undocumented youth in the country is breaking up with ICE: The Cowlitz County Youth Services Center in Longview, WA is terminating its contract with ICE, reports Esmy Jimenez for KUOW. The county has contracted ICE to detain immigrant kids, usually between the ages of 16 and 18, for nearly 20 years.

Michelle Obama is back at Netflix: Obama is the executive producer and a star of Waffles + Mochi, a show about two puppets named Waffles and Mochi who want to become chefs. She will play a supermarket owner who helps teach the puppets about healthy eating, which was one of her main projects as First Lady. The show will drop March 16.

Meet my only IRL coworker: It's sad our relationship is so transactional.

In an effort to improve the distribution of the COVID vaccine to those who have been historically ignored, the Biden administration is shipping doses directly to community health centers in underserved areas with an eye on racial equity—a small, but necessary first step.

RIP to the cofounder of the Supremes, Mary Wilson: She has died at the age of 76.

#GorillaGlueGirl update: Tessica Brown, the young woman who used gorilla glue in her hair and now has a permanent glue helmet, is still seeking a cure. TMZ says Brown is going to a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon for help. The surgeon, Dr. Michael Obeng, says he can fix her rock-hard hair in a few days with the right treatment and will do the work for free.

#FreeBritney update: People are doing a close-reading of her recent Instagram post, but what's new.

In "SPAAAAAACE" news: Congrats to the United Arab Emirates' science program whose spacecraft "Hope" has successfully entered orbit around Mars where it will study the planet's atmosphere.

Russell Wilson is allegedly trying to find "a classy way" to move on from the Seahawks: That's according to his former teammate, Brandon Marshall, who said in an interview that Wilson is frustrated with the team's offensive line and philosophy. And that's the most you're gonna get on sports from Slog today.

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ICYMI: Another monolith appeared in Turkey. We're with Eve Peyser at the Intelligencer: "If you’re looking to anonymously erect a sculpture, and you want it to have an aura of mystery, you should know that there are other shapes—a cone, a cube, even a cylinder—that are less played out."

FEMA will start reimbursing low-income families for COVID-related funeral expenses: Senator Chuck Schumer and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made the announcement this morning, saying FEMA will reimburse approved families up to $7,000. Many details are still unclear, but these funds were part of the December COVID-19 relief bill—the one that sent out the $600 checks. We're still waiting on those other checks... (WH Press Secretary Jen Psaki said Biden is "maintaining his firmness on the $1,400 checks" during the White House presser today.)

And finally, maybe Trump should hire this ZOOM CAT LAWYER to defend him? He literally can't do any worse.