Hey, how was your weekend?! If you were Vice President Kamala Harris, then you spent part of it handling a controversy manufactured by right-wing media after a member of your comms team logged onto Twitter and encouraged your constituency to "Enjoy the long weekend." After affixing the last cans of Coors Light to the tops of their beer can pyramids, millions of Republicans around the country shot off some tweets about how mad they were at Harris for not spending every waking moment in a state of constant reflection before gulping three shots of Fireball off an ice luge and jumping over the side of a boat to a catch a football Jake's dumb ass threw way wide.
If you were Vanilla Ice, then you posted this instantly canonical tweet.
Happy memorial day happy because we have the freedom to have a backyard cookout, sports, and sharing smiles. Thanks to the soldiers. #HappyMemorialDay pic.twitter.com/RAmk0nfTEr
— Vanilla Ice (@vanillaice) May 31, 2021
If you were disgraced general and former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, then you spent the weekend apparently calling for the military to violently overthrow the government, gun down hundreds of protesters, and spark a civil war. "I want to know why what happened in Myanmar can't happen here. No reason. I mean, it should happen," he said to a crowd of absolute psychopaths in Dallas.
Here is video of former general and National Security Advisor Mike Flynn calling for a Myanmar-like coup to replace the sitting U.S. president with Donald Trump. The talk of war is very real. pic.twitter.com/1GoP5OG1He
— justin glawe (@JustinGlawe) May 30, 2021
If you were a deposed lawmaker in Myanmar, then you probably spent the weekend allying your "shadow government" with a rebel army to “'demolish the dictatorship and to implement a federal democratic system' in Myanmar. "Myanmar’s security forces have killed more than 800 people since the coup, according to figures cited by the United Nations. More than 4,000 people have been detained," Al Jazeera reports.
If you were Peru, then you doubled your COVID-19 death toll and became "the country with the world's highest death rate per capita," according to the BBC. Health officials blamed a poor testing regime and grossly inadequate support from the government. In six days, citizens will either choose "leftist Pedro Castillo" or "right-wing candidate Keiko Fujimori" to lead the country after a year of political turmoil and tragic waves of death.
If you were Naomi Osaka, then you spent the weekend withdrawing from the French Open. The world's "highest paid female athlete" said long bouts of depression following her 2018 win over Serena Williams and the anxiety she feels before press conferences drove her decision to quit the tournament, the New York Times reports. On reddit, Osaka's sister said the player's "struggles to win on clay courts like the one at the French Open" prompt the press to ask questions about her performances on clay, "which hurts her."
If you were Texas Governor Greg Abbott, then you promised to veto the part of the budget that pays the Legislature after Democrats walked out of the Capitol building to kill a bill that would have enacted "some of the strictest limits in the nation on voting access," including one that would limit Sunday voting hours to restrict the "'Souls to the Polls' tradition in the Black church," reports the New York Times.
If you were an abortion activist, then you may have spent a moment pressing President Joe Biden to permanently waive a Food and Drug Administration policy that requires doctors to give abortion pills to patients in person. The FDA waived the requirement during COVID-19 to help stop the spread. With the Supreme Court expected to decide in favor of Mississippi's 15-week abortion ban, advocates say the pill may be the last hope for women in those states, who often live hundreds of miles away from the nearest clinic anyway, Politico reports.
If you were a lucky Yemeni fishermen in the Gulf of Aden, then you spent your time drying out the $1.5 million worth of ambergris you found in the belly of a passing sperm whale. "The rare treasure they discovered in its belly has lifted them out of poverty," according to the BBC.
If you were a small plane, then you landed on the 101 near Thousand Oaks for unknown reasons.
If you were an unvaccinated person who plans not to get the COVID-19 vaccine, then a quarter of you will also not follow CDC guidelines to wear masks indoors, threatening the lives of the vulnerable all around you.
If you were one of hundreds of local teens, then you probably spent your Saturday night on Alki getting lit at a Seattle copy cat version of "Adrian's kickback," a party born from a viral TikTok post. Cops started breaking up the party around 9:30 p.m. Officers with the Seattle Police Department arrested three people, and a cop broke a thumb while trying to break up a fight, according to the Seattle Times.
BREAKING: a huge party at Alki Beach is being broken up by @SeattlePD . We just watched as a woman did a striptease on top of a police cruiser and was forced away— along with many others. Police are ordering people to leave. pic.twitter.com/t8kEWRbBmj
— Ryan Simms (@RyanKIRO7) May 30, 2021
If you were a Casa Latina employee, then you may have spent some time planning for the next protest outside your workplace. Several staffers alleged sexual harassment complaints against another staffer who has now left the organization, which connects immigrants with jobs and offers language services. "The board announced last week it would investigate after hearing complaints related to the allegations and 'overall workplace culture' from some of its 37 staffers," writes the Seattle Times.
If you were Memorial Day itself, then you were the warmest version of yourself since 1995. That heat will hold in Seattle until Saturday.
Activity slowing down on Lake Washington this evening as the warmest Memorial Day in Seattle since 1995 comes to a close. Even with the high of 80° today in Seattle the average high temperature for the month of May was only 65.7°, coldest May in Seattle since 2012 (63.8°). #wawx pic.twitter.com/YjIXL0zXhJ
— NWS Seattle (@NWSSeattle) June 1, 2021
If you were any member of the King County Council, then you likely spent some time preparing for a vote to stop the Sheriff's Office or any other county agency from being able to scan our faces because the technology is too racist to use. The council meeting starts at 1 p.m. Watch here.
If you were me, then you concluded that Mare of Easttown was the best Medicare for All ad you've ever seen. Aside from that, you appreciated Kate Winslet's performance as a tragedy-hardened east-Philly detective and Julianne Nicholson's performance as a long-suffering matriarch burdened with secrets, but otherwise thought it was a fine soap. If you're in the mood for more Philly-related content, please watch Philly D.A. so I can have someone to talk to.