Fecal freaks need to act soon if they want to get this things poo for their veggies and annuals.
Fecal freaks need to act soon if they want to get this thing's poo for their veggies and annuals. greenicetea / GETTY

TYRANT KING INSLEE issues statewide outdoor mask mandate for large events: If you think it's wise to attend an outdoor event with more than 500 other people in the middle of a deadly respiratory virus outbreak, then you'll need to wear a mask when you do so no matter your vaccination status, the Seattle Times reports. Inslee announced the new measure, which we're already used to here in King County, at a press conference this afternoon.

Microsoft is done guessing: The company "indefinitely delayed" its plans to return workers to offices “given the uncertainty of COVID-19," according to the Associated Press. Once public health officials give the OK for a full-scale return, Microsoft will give employees "a 30-day transition period to prepare" to abandon their home office situations for the glassy environs of the Redmond HQ.

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Let the sports betting begin! People who want to waste a bunch of money betting on the outcomes of sports games may now do so at several tribal casinos around the state, KING 5 reports. Interested parties can place their bets in person at casinos run by the Snoqualmie, "Cowlitz, Lummi Nation, Puyallup, Spokane, Squaxin Island, Stillaguamish, Suquamish and Tulalip Tribes."

SPD dispatched massive force to arrest one DUI suspect and to hold off a Wednesday night bar crowd on Capitol Hill: SPD claimed a "hostile crowd" formed on the sidewalks on either side of Broadway last night after cops tried to arrest a Black man who had fallen asleep in his car and was parked in the middle of Broadway. Witnesses on the scene said the cops roughly threw the man to the ground after he'd tried to escape arrest. The phones came out after the man said he couldn't breathe. The cops used the on-site criticism of their tactics to justify the outsized response you see in the video above. By the time I arrived—about 20 minutes after the incident began—the two small crowds were hurling some cusses and recording the dozen cops trying to strap the man to a gurney and the dozen other cops just standing around and smirking in the middle of the road. Find more details over at the Capitol Hill Seattle blog. One thing's for certain: it's going to take an awful lot of mayoral high-fiving to change "the culture" over there at SPD.

Seattle Office of Labor Standards will redistribute $2 million in allegedly stolen wages to 53 workers at two concrete companies—Baja Concrete USA Corp and Newway Forming Inc—who the agency found "jointly responsible" for violations of "Seattle’s Minimum Wage, Paid Sick and Safe Time, and Wage Theft Ordinances," according to a press release. "The employees sometimes worked up to 19 hours in a day without the required number of meal and rest breaks and performed significant amounts of overtime labor without receiving any overtime premium pay," writes the OLS spokesperson. As I've reported more than once, Americans lose three times more money to wage theft than they do to all other forms of theft.

The Woodland Park Zoo's poop lottery closes next Friday: If you have compost needs, make sure to enter the zoo's lottery for a chance to scoop up "the exotic, highly-coveted Zoo Doo that Dr. Doo, also known as the 'Princess of Poo,' the 'GM of BM' or the 'Grand Poopah,' has been piling all season." The manure is "composed of species feces contributed by a variety of the zoo’s non-primate herbivores, such as rhinos, hippos, giraffes, mountain goats, tapirs and more; it’s perfect for growing veggies and annuals."

Airport food delivery service employs Gita robot to cart food to people: Rather than deal with the horrible inconvenience of ordering sandwiches at the airport's food court or whatever, some company has developed an app that prompts people to deliver you food to your terminal, and that company uses one of those heavily little robots to handle some of the deliveries, KIRO reports. Finally, all of our dreams have come true.

Redistricting poses a "slight risk" to Rep. Kim Schrier's hold on WA08, according to new analysis from The Cook Political report. That's only weird to me because all the gossip I hear about redistricting talks involves shoring up Schrier's seat.

About damn time: With daily COVID-19 infections hitting 150,000 and daily deaths hitting 1,500, today President Biden announced a handful of new orders meant to get the virus under control. According to the Washington Post, businesses with over 100 employees must require vaccination or "weekly testing" (or else face a "$14,000 fine per violation"), and all health care facilities "that accept Medicare or Medicaid funding" must require vaccinations. The new orders will "affect tens of millions of Americans." Medical and (for some reason) religious exemptions apply.

DOJ sues Texas over batshit abortion law: In a press conference today Attorney General Merrick Garland argued that the obviously unconstitutional law, which puts a $10,000 bounty on the heads of anyone who "aids and abets" a pregnant person seeking an abortion, was obviously unconstitutional because "it allowed Texas to essentially prohibit abortion while technically complying with Supreme Court rulings that forbid such a ban by deputizing private parties to enforce the new restrictions," according to the New York Times. The complaint does the work the Supreme Court Justices didn't, listing a bunch of legal precedent for why they should have tossed out the law immediately:

Meanwhile, the only thing I want to hear this man saying is "I resign my post:"

Federal judge blocks Florida's anti-protest law, for now: The law raises "penalties for already illegal acts like battery committed during a 'riot,'" creates "new felonies related to violent protests," and allows "those arrested while rioting to be held without bond," Politico reports. The definition for a "riot" in the law covers situations where someone “willfully participates in a violent public disturbance involving an assembly of three or more persons," which basically means that a riot is anything a cop wants to declare a riot.

To the deliver the next news item, we turn now to the high school version of myself: Holy SHIT, dude. Did you fucking see that they're remaking Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic for PS5? Remember that major plot twist??? It felt like we were playing a fucking movie dude!!!!! It's going to be like that again, but cooler-looking I think!!! Expect to see me at your house every day after school for a month with a 32-oz cup of Vanilla Pepsi, two taquitos, and an Annie's snickerdoodle cookie from QuikTrip. Holy SHIT!!!

Thanks, high school Rich. Back to the news.

Libertarian sea community collapses under the weight of its own stupidity: Some crypto dorks bought a cruise ship to begin a taxless sea community of "seasteaders" off the coast of Panama, but then they ran into insurance issues. Another big problem involved trying to satisfy the complex and divergent needs of hundreds of different people who wanted to live in "a floating society of like-minded freedom-lovers arranged in the shape of the bitcoin B," The Guardian reports. This piece from Sophie Elmhirst is an excellent long read if you've already given up on the week and feel the urge to laugh at people who steadfastly refuse to believe that we live in a society.

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The Taliban is beating and torturing journalists: The BBC has the story and the horrifying photos.

Chomsky has entered his Mountain Wizard phase: But he's still a pretty sharp tack when it comes to discussions of American imperialism: