I wouldn’t say I was “rooting” for COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations to rise high enough to force public health officials to cancel Thanksgiving this year, but I completely and thoroughly resent the renewed pressure to pay $700 for a plane ticket home just to eat the Bad Feast with the family.

When Fauci canceled Thanksgiving last year (for the liberals, at least), I cannot describe the relief I felt. Finally, a year when I could blame my absence on the prevalence of a deadly virus rather than on my ordinary distaste for holiday travel. Maybe, I thought — just maybe — we would all feel that same relief, and my family would realize how stupid it was to gather together from every corner of the country just because most everyone else was doing it.

Don’t get me wrong. I love and even like a few of my family members. I even like to see them in person on occasion. But you’re telling me I have to fly to the “heartland’ in the middle of the blizzard season just to put in a little face-time? Can we not do this in June? Why aren't we doing this in June???

The only thing I’m looking forward to this year is becoming the family’s COVID-19 detective. I’m almost certain that one of them is lying about having taken the vaccine, but who could it be? The Bill Clinton apologist? The one who voted for Ron Paul? Any of the foot-dragging cousins? The granola aunts? A surprise boyfriend???? You just never fucking know.

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