f144/1248898617-1247248405-candidate_survivor_slog.jpgLast night was awesome. The candidates were all great sports, and I think we all learned a lot about democracy, track suits, robots, and Sally Bagshaw's sexuality. And now, the highlights.

PART ONE: HAIKU

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We weren't fast enough to type every candidate's original haiku (or, you know, almost-ku), but we managed a handful.

Rusty Williams: "Precious Seattle. You're people I long to serve. Make me your champion."
David Miller: "I suck at haiku. But I rock at policy. Miller for council."
Robert Rosencrantz: "Elect Rosencrantz. Create opportunity. Build a strong city."
Dorsol Plants: “Communication. We must protect the neighborhoods. We can do better.”
Mike O'Brien: "Grassroots candidate. Hometown mission, real world plan. Eat tunnels for lunch."
Nick Licata: “My wife says ‘Nicky!’ My dog says ‘Dad.’ Don't fret, vote. I'm Nick Licata.”
Marty Kaplan: "I've got the vision, perspective, judgment, wisdom. I'll be in the sky."
Jesse Israel: "World War 2 took 6. The moon, 8. The genome, 10. 40 for light rail?"
expands."
Sally Bagshaw: "Bipartisan wrong? I thought it was popular if I"—long pause—"swing both ways."

PART TWO: THE NUMBERS

Number of candidates who have been to a Vera Project show: 8 (out of 14)
Number of candidates who have skinny-dipped in Lake Washington: all of them (!!) except for Robert Rosencranz and David Miller
Number of candidates who have smoked weed: fucking EVERYONE except for Robert Rosencrantz, Mike O'Brien, David Miller, and Bobby Forch
Number of candidates who have health insurance: everyone except Dorsol Plants
Number of candidates who are vegetarian or vegan: 2 (Plants and Carver)
Number of candidates who support tolling on I-90 and 520: 14
Number of candidates who support decriminalization of marijuana: 12 (everyone but Rosencrantz and Miller)
Number of candidates who are against the tunnel: 4 (O'Brien, Ginsberg, Carver, Bloom)
Number of candidates who would vote for Nickels if they had to vote today: 4 (Kaplan, Bagshaw, Israel, and Royer)

PART THREE: THE TRACKSUIT

Come on. Just look at it again:

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PART FOUR: MIKE O'BRIEN IS SLIGHTLY HOT

Right?

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PART FIVE: RICHARD CONLIN'S TALENT SHOW RAP

"Put your face into a human space/and you'll create a space/that you cannot replace/There's a movement coming/and it'll keep on coming/Together we will work/and no one will be a jerk. There'll be a place for all/AND WE WILL CONQUER SPRAWL."

PART SIX: THE QUOTES

"This is a comprehensive solution. This isn't a tunnel." - Sally Bagshaw (crowd jeers)

"I don't want the American Chem Council coming into our city. I never have." - Jessie Israel (moments after agreeing with the fact that she disagrees with the bag tax, even though earlier in the evening she was on the yes side of the bag fee on stage—so, in other words, she will now vote to keep it after campaigning for months that she would vote to remove it?)

"The economy is the issue that no one is talking about." — Bobby Forch

"I wish Forch's talent was Make Lindy West a Sandwich" - Lindy West (I was hungry)

"This is the music capitol OF THE WORLD and we have to recognize it!!!" — Licata

"Nick, you've been in office since the War of 1812." - Dominic Holden

"I have a passion for social justice...I am not afraid to stand up to the corporate establishment." - David Bloom

"Is there anyone in the world who's like, 'Nah, I'm not really that into social justice. Just don't care for it.'?" - Lindy West

"Nick Licata looks like he's ready to go clubbing in Berlin." - Bethany Jean Clement

"You want a deep, dark secret? You were talking about the mile high club? I want to know if anyone here is really part of the mile-high club. I fly my own plane." - Sally Bagshaw (!!?!?!!?!??!)

PART SEVEN: THE WINNERS

Dorsol Plants (32%)
Jessie Israel (19%)
Sally Bagshaw (17%)

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PART EIGHT: THE HANGOVER

Blergh.